Thursday, November 29, 2007

It's Official, We ARE Insane!

Well, this morning we got the final confirmation, we will be expecting a darling new baby around the middle of August of 2008. Welcome to the Wonderful World of Insanity, and I am your host, Queen of Know It Alls, Jamie.

It came as a shock to all of us. We had taken off that hat. Set it aside. Decided that we would admire it every now and then, however we weren't going to wear it anymore. It was now time to move on to Parents of Older Kids. We talked and talked and had just come to accept that A New Baby wasn't going to happen for us. We had a wonderful family just the way it was. Izzy is a great guy to leave that final note on.

Why did I even have the notion to test, to just "see" if possibly maybe it would come back positive. There was ONE test sitting in the cupboard, it begged me to be used, so I did. I honestly expected to see that singular pink line just staring up at me on that white field, mocking my tiny hope that maybe, just maybe, my darling hubby's spermmies worked with my eggies that month. To my utter shock and amazement, a faint extra pink line was there. Was I seeing things? Could it be?

Just to be sure I wasn't just projecting my hope and hurt on to this tiny defenseless little test, i scanned it in, after taking it apart of coarse (which they say you shouldn't do, however there was no way to take a good pic of it otherwise) and showed to my online friends. Many of them said "Yes, I see it too!!!" So I called up those mid-wives and said "Hey, take my blood" and of coarse they said "Glad to!"

That was the day before Thanksgiving. I was getting the van on Jason's lunch so I could drive up to get Katy Beth and actually be back at a decent hour. Before heading up, I had my blood taken. When I got to Jenn's place, I called them and they said "You are Borderline pregnant, we are closed on Friday, so come back on Monday so we can take your blood again" How you can be borderline pregnant on a yes/no test is beyond me, however that's what they told me.

Me being me, I bought a box of tests. After all, borderline just wasn't a good enough answer. So I tested again on Friday morning and on Sunday morning. They both came up with much darker lines. All right! That's the kind of progression I like to see! With the last miscarriage, I never really got a dark line on a pee test, so it was reassuring to see that line. Throughout the weekend, I kept looking at those tests, making sure I wasn't seeing things.

Monday rolls around. It is slushing from the sky as only Michigan can. I was going to wait to go until Jason got home, so I could run over there real quick before heading off to work. I had to go to the library anyway to return some books that I didn't want to become even more overdue, so I decided to walk, in the nasty slushiness to the hospital, which is about a mile from here. Izzy was protected from the weather in his stroller with the rain cover on it. I didn't fair so lucky. Note to self, next time I go a-walkin' in foul weather, wear shoes that don't have holes. Something with a closed foot would be a much better choice than my crocs.

I make it to the hospital in wonderful time, and back home again. Izzy goes down for a nap, I dry off and spend some time on the computer. I call for my results around 4. They tell me that Yes, I am pregnant, however my number is only 68, and for being 5 weeks pregnant, as their charts say I am, that number isn't high enough, so I have to go back, AGAIN.

On Wednesday, I just waited until Jason got home, and ran over there real quick like and had it done. Called them this morning. After two hours of waiting, they call me back and say my numbers are now 145, which is a little more than double and a good good thing. Therefore, I am officially pregnant, 4 weeks to be exact. Based on my hormone levels, they changed my due date to something more accurate. Maybe this time around I won't have to be induced or go too far over the due date. However, the misery of being 9 months pregnant in August is going to be abject and complete. And I will do it gladly.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Just a quick jot

Just a quick jot before I head off to the shower and then to slumberland. I must work again at Wal-Mart (the Devil Store as my darling Sister-in-Law calls it) and today was long and tiring, and I know tomorrow will be a repeat of the same. We now have lights on our Christmas tree, or Solstice tree, or Pagan tree, however you want to view it. No decorations yet, except the star at the top. Yes, I have a star at the top. And No, it's not representative of the North Star that the Sheephearders saw upon the Birth of Christ. Yes, I do capitalize all of that, seems disrespectful to a religion not mine to do so, I would ask the same from them.

Anyhoo, we have lights. That's what I did tonight. I brought home for dinner a big deli pizza (fresh pizza, bake in the oven) and watched "Forrest Gump" and put lights up on the tree. Why so early for the tree? Because if I think THIS weekend has been busy and tiring at Wal-Mart, just wait til NEXT!

Oh, Jason and I realized tonight that Izzy loves to walk. He's only been walking for about 2 months now, though it seems like he's been doing it forever. He's very close to running, and Gods help us all when that happens!

Jason has started the budget for when he takes over at the New Year. Already? Seems like he's trying to jump the gun here, getting a bit anxious, chomping at the bit as they say. He asked me if I really felt that he'd be angry at me? Um, yeah, I do. Though, I've never had anyone be nice about it. And when he was doing it, long ago, it made him angry then, so it seems to stand reason that that would not have changed. I realize only time will tell.

Friday, November 16, 2007

I have been remiss.

Well, what have I been doing? Oh, not much of anything really. Working 4 days a week at Wal-Mart. Taking care of the kids. Worrying about an ex-mother-in-law who fell down and seriously broke her ankle. Trying to help Jason rediscover his "lost creativity".

Lets start with Wal-Mart. Working there makes me realize there is just way too much commercialism and "give-me-ism" centered around December and the associated holidays. Being Pagan, I don't celebrate Christmas with the sense of the birth of Jesus and what not. We do have a tree. It's a Solstice Tree. I even got for it this really awesome rather "pagan looking" (per Jason's description of it) star. I'll have to post a pic of the tree once it's put up in all it's glory. Anyway, back to commercialism. Why do the carols start the day after Halloween? Why can you purchase Christmas themed items sometimes as early as AUGUST? There are many out there who say "Oh, it's the retailers". Well, yes, it IS the retailers. However, they wouldn't do it if people didn't buy it. After all, they only make money on things that SELL. That means that out there, there are people who actually BUY this stuff that early! WHY????

Working at Wal-Mart has really made me feel the pressure to BUY NOW. I'm a late Holiday shopper. I prefer to do it that way. Wait til the last minute, get great deals. This year, I have purchased more for Holiday gifts before Thanksgiving than I EVER have before! What is wrong with me?

I've also come to realize that as I am awake until the very early hours of the morning anyway - if I make it to bed before 1 A.M. I am either sick or just so tired I can't stay awake any longer - that I might as well be working those hours. After all, the purpose of me working is so that we can find our feet financially, isn't it? How can I honestly be contributing if I'm only working maybe 20 hours a week when Jason busts his butt for the full 40? That's another thing about this season. It really reminds me of how much money I don't have. And it only seems to get worse, never really better.

In my search to find my financial feet, I've discovered that I suck at spending money. I buy lots of stuff we just don't need. I just can't help myself. The common sense thing to do would be to hand my debit card to Jason and let him figure out our debt and money. However, that option literally makes me angry just thinking of it. Why you may ask? In all honesty, just previous bad experience with someone else handling MY money. I feel like handling the money, no matter how badly, at least gives me a sense, no matter how misplaced and useless, of power. So how do I overcome this? By swallowing my ill-placed anger and handing the reins over to Jason as of the first of the year. I really really don't want to do it. I guess we are going to try to do it together, but maybe to begin with, I should just step away from the money. I don't even have to physcially hand him my paycheck, it's direct deposited. Hopefully, I will be able to keep from arguing and fighting with him as he figures out my mess of things. And he stays married to me too. I have a feeling that January (maybe February too) is going to be a long, lonely, and cold cold month for me.

On to raising the kids. They are becoming responsible. When did this happen? Are these really MY kids? Well Hell, I must be doing SOMETHING right after all! There have been a couple of mornings (all right, a few) where I have just kept smacking that HORRID alarm clock and overslept by QUITE A BIT. OOPS. James always comes down and tells me "Mom, we are leaving for school now." What? My James? Getting himself and his sister up and out the door for school? Knock me out and call me Suzy! They ride the bus now, because of James' "issues" he gets a bus ride, and Jayden goes to the same place, so she gets one too, however we are still close enough that they can walk. So on these mornings, they invariably do end up walking. It's not really far, but the fact that they don't just stay upstairs and watching movies instead of going to school still shocks me to no end. Apparently, for my kids, a great threat to get them to go to school and behave is to tell them that if they don't, they will be homeschooled by me. Who knew that school was a mini-daily vacation from me as it is for me from them? Learn something new every day!

Izzy can now say 4 words and one sign. His IEP is at the end of the month. He'll then have a speech therapist and an early education teacher coming to the house to work with him and I. Izzy "swallows" his sounds. It sounds like they are "stuck" in the back of his throat or mouth, that they aren't making it to the tip of his tongue and fully out. He says "eat" now, though it comes out sounding like eeeeeeeeeettttttt with a bit of an "n" sound to it - that whole stuck sound thing again. And he can say "eeeeezzzzzzzyyyyy", though once again it's with that "n" sound. He likes to draw the vowels sounds out, and he LOVES making that "z" sound. I'm glad we went with calling him Izzy, instead of Jason's suggestion of Ike.

Jason wanted to call him Ike after his great (possibly great great?) Uncles. He has two. One was Crazy Ike. I think the other was Lazy Ike. Or something like that. Jason felt that Izzy was too "cute" for a boy. I told him that little boys are only cute so long and I wanted my little boy to be Izzy.

On to the Ex-Mother-In-Law. Her name is Linda. She is Homer's mother. She and I get along "famously", in all honesty, much better than my own mother and I, let alone Jason's mother and I. I think with both of those aforementioned women, we just agree to disagree and try our hardest to be cordial. Linda is a wonder. At the age of 63, she went back to school to study Cosmetology. Why? Well, as she told Jason, it's so she doesn't have to bust butt washing dishes for the rest of her life. This is where I get a little angry. Why does she HAVE to wash dishes? Why aren't her children helping her? Because they are too involved in their own lives, that's why. Jason and I both get along very well with Linda, much to Homer's chagrin. She fell down about a month ago and broker her ankle so badly she needed surgery. She was at work when it happened. She just got her staples out last week. She is getting Workman's Comp to pay her bills, but it barely pays her rent. She was working 2 full time dishwashing jobs at the time she fell. And she was finishing up the last big of her schooling.

She's close to 65 now, if she isn't already there. This is where our worry over her comes in. She lives in Wisconsin, so she could be near her brothers and mother and assorted extended family. They have helped her out during this time not at all. They are always too busy to be able to do anything for her. Even to just drive her somewhere. So she is in a town where her family won't help her, and her children are too self absorbed to notice. I told Homer his mom fell and broke her ankle, after giving him her cell number - he didn't have it- over 3 weeks ago, he STILL has not called her. Jason and I have talked and we feel that she should come live with us. She would help us out a great deal just by being here. I could go in earlier to Wal-Mart. Not to mention, then we would KNOW she is ok and she wouldn't have to bust her butt working 2 jobs dishwashing to make ends meet. It's time for her to relax, enjoy her age and the time she has put in. Now comes the intersting thing, how do we convince her that we need her more than we feel she needs to be here?

And Jason's creativity. Jason is in a funk, it comes and it goes, but this should not be news to anyone really. He feels like he is wasting his life away at his job. Like he isn't "accomplishing" anything, or even really providing well for his family. He has no inspiration to draw or paint. He's in an artist's hell. I don't know how to end it. I don't know how to inspire him. I worry over him. I worry over them all, though I am mom, and that is part of the "mom" job description, it says it in the book we get when we become a mom.

And so I leave you on this note. Enjoy life to the fullest. After all, you could be living with your worst enemy.