Monday, March 31, 2008

Warning, possible swearing ahead

I've been suffering lately. I guess that's the only accurate phrase for it. I keep it all bottled up inside. Letting it out only hurts me and hurts Jason, and most likely the kids too. I'm no stranger to depression. You can't have a life like the one I've lived and not know what the Hell that is.

I feel so damn tired all the time. I want to be curled up in bed, bawling my eyes out and sleeping. It wouldn't solve a damn thing, I KNOW that, however it's my desire at the moment. What the hell do I have to be depressed over? I've got a decent house, a wonderful husband, kids that are pretty damn good. Life looks great. That's the catch, it LOOKS great.

Inside I'm just a ball. And in all honesty, I couldn't even tell you what kind of ball I am. It's all jumbled and mumbled up. I know you all look at this blog and expect to see pics of those darling kids and the house and what not. Those will continue. But so will this. I need to get it out somehow. I can't keep losing it like I have been. Today feels like it's been an absolute waste of my fucking time. And everyone else's too.

Before you even go there, NO I'm NOT going to kill myself. That is the coward's way out. You don't solve a damn thing by just ending it all. You leave behind your old mess, and a new one on top of it.

This has just been one of those times for me where things just keep adding on top of one another. For starters, we actually decided to go with no more babies. I honestly don't believe it will happen. I'm so tired and worn out, I'm not sure I can do another anyway. Now it's just up to Jason to call and schedule the first appt to get the ball rolling on the big V.

I'm pretty sure that one of the oldest friendships I have has ended. It's not surprising to me, I saw it coming. It became all about her. It was what could she get out of it from me. However she just didn't have time for me when I needed her. We had some good times, so I'll choose to remember those and leave it at that.

The biddies are pushing for me to go therapy. Who are the biddies? They used to be our case managers for the services for James. We are in the process of going to a new agency, a pain in the ass in the first place. They really want ME to go to therapy. They feel I can't handle my depression on my own. Part of my problem with therapy is that my therapists always leave. After about 6 or 9 months, they find a better job and off they go, leaving me in the lurch.

They do know of one place in town where the therapists don't leave. The place deals with kids mostly. They will help adults, though only adults who have suffered through childhood sexual assault. Unfortunately, I am one of those adults. I, however, do NOT want to talk about that. I don't want to remember more than what I do. I know I do things that don't make any sense to anyone else, yet they make me feel safe. I don't really want to know why I do those things, what happened to me to make me feel like i NEEDED those things.

My life has not been easy by far. I know the childhood I had greatly influenced the adult I became, that I am still becoming. Jason, bless his heart, has nothing in his life to even begin to relate with mine. He wants to help, he wants to listen, he wants to help me heal, but he has no idea on where to begin.

I feel bad for Jason. I know there are plenty of times where I resent his "perfect" childhood. The mom and dad living in the same house with the three kids. The mom that cooked and was home when he was. He says he was lonely, that I can understand. However, he wasn't alone. He wasn't held responsible for much more than his years dictated he should be. He wasn't in situations where he should have been afraid for his life. He had fears. He was sheltered. Those things created their own idiosyncrasies. Though none of them are on the same plain as mine.

I feel so alone in dealing with all of this. In facing myself. In suffering through this horrid paralyzing depression. I force myself through the steps because I KNOW I have no choice, I must continue on. I have to for our family. I have to make it good and right. I can't let them down because of my own issues.

EVERYONE always says "oh, talk to someone". How do I know that will help? There are no guarentees in life. And what makes that stranger so much more suited to helping me? Because they deal with folks like me every day? Because they went to school to study folks like me? How is that in any way reassuring.

I won't do meds. I don't like the side effects. How is almost falling asleep while driving and not feeling a thing and STILL suffereing through horrid insomnia any better than what I'm going through now on my own. At least I still have the ability to feel and think. The meds make me blank. Completely blank. Or maybe I stop caring because I'm so damn tired, either way, it's not how I want to be.

So where does one go from here? How do I proceed in a way that is healthy for me and my family? How long does it take for one to be ready to go explore the deep dark forest of their past? What happens if I find the Big Bad Wolf? What if the Big Bad Wolf turns out to be myself?

Thursday, March 20, 2008

I've been here, but not really.

I've been playing with the blog, if you can't tell, but I haven't posted in quite a bit of time. I wonder why that is? I'd think of great things to blog about as I was supposed to be falling fast asleep, and then come morning, they'd be long gone out of my head, with the dreams I am sure I had just dreamt and could no longer recall. Things have been "weird" for me lately. I really can't put my finger on it. That's not entirely true. OK, fine, not true at all. Jeez, you guys are like the Spanish Inquisition! :D


It's been babies. That's what has been taking my time, my mind. And some other stuff too, but babies is where I'll start. Jason wants to keep trying for another baby. I don't know if I really want to do that. I'm tired and worn out. I was told I'd have to test as early as possible so they could make sure that things are "going as they should" and there is ALWAYS the risk of something just not going right at all. I don't know if I even want to attempt to go through all of that again. I'd love another baby, I really would, but at what cost? And isn't Izzy a good note to end on? Do we really NEED another child? Jason's family line is continued through Izzy. Afterall, he IS a boy and he IS named Dean.

A cute little girl to dress up and be frilly with. An adorable little boy looking so cute and stealing his daddy's heart. Those are images I have stuck in my head, that I'm obsessing over. And yet, I watch our other children grow and mature. As they age and become more themselves than us, I realize I've got great kids. Really awesome kids. Even the one with issues is better behaved than most withouth "issues".

Izzy is becoming a ham, he's a clown. His personality is blossoming and growing with the days. He's stubborn and willful and silly and so funny. He'll do anything to get a laugh. Jayden is downright beautiful. She is amazingly so, and so determined to not be smart too, though she's failing that miserably. James is smart and insightful. The things he thinks on, things I would never dream to consider. He keeps me on my toes with his questions. Katy Beth with her brain. She is a gorgeous beauty. She is going to make the boys beg and cry for her attention. Though I have a feeling she'll be more interested in her book than the likes of them.

I know that once you have another, you can't imagine your life without them. That's how it's supposed to work. We have plenty of pics of our life before Izzy, however it's like looking in at someone else's life. There are so many who desire children so dearly. So many who want and cannot have for one reason or another. Are we being greedy by continuing this path? Are we setting ourselves up for more heartache and hurt?

Jason has been on a quest lately to find "himself". To find his guardian animal, his totem I guess is what he said. He's trying to find a peace within himself. I can't help but wonder why now? What makes now any different, any better of an opportunity than before?

Lately, I've been so tired and worn out I can barely function. I don't have the energy to do the basic every day things, let alone go on a spiritual search for the "me" that is missing. I've been trying to exercise regularly, though that resulted in me GAINING 5 pounds. What is up with that? And now that I've "rested" a week, I've gone back down in my weight.

Jason told me I was a "good wife" on Saturday. He said that it was because I was taking all the kids to the park to play and not making him go with us, allowing him some much needed "alone" time. Though he has said it at other times. I don't feel like a good wife. I don't do those "wifely" things that most women do. I don't clean. I barely keep up on the laundry. I'm horrible with managing money.

Speaking of money, I've been doing a really crappy job lately, so of coarse that has been weighing on me as well. I told myself at the beginning of the year that I would do better. I'm not. I am going to stop carrying my debit card. I am going to start using cash to pay for things. That way, I can't spend what I don't have. I need to keep up on our savings. I need to start saving more for the kids. I need to budget MUCH better. Between Jason and I we make enough, even without the added bonus of the child support, that it shouldn't be such a stupid struggle for us. But it is, and it's my own doing. Why haven't I just handed it over to Jason? Pride. Shame. Fear. I keep saying I CAN do it. I'm ashamed of it, that I can't do it. I'm afraid of his reaction. No, he has NEVER given me reason to fear, however old habits die the hardest, kicking and screaming the ENTIRE way.

If this is truly like my journal, I should be posting more often, and I am going to try to do that. It's now almost 1:30, and I feel my lids getting heavy. I must retire and try again tomorrow. After all, that's all we can do, right?