The Insane Ramblings of a Serial Mommy

Thought Filled Thursday

2012-01-26T01:42:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about this guy I know.

He's a sweet guy.

A caring guy.

A loving guy.

He's smart.

He's a great dad.

He's a funny guy.

He makes great pancakes

He plays a great guitar

He thinks I'm sexy

He loves me and it doesn't get any better than that

Thought Filled Thursday

2011-12-15T23:27:00.005-05:00

Here is the new Thought Filled Thursday!

First off, a giveaway! Not mine, but one that I've come across! This game sounds SO COOL!!! I know that James would love to play it, possibly for hours! She's talking about Time Engineers. This is the facebook page for the software developer company, Software Kids. Go to Notes From A Homeschooling Mom to find out how you can enter. She's only doing it for another couple of hours, so get in under the wire!

I have been cleaning the office a lot lately. It's amazing how calming and comfortable it is in here now! The craft table is great in here! Once I have it all of the way clean, I'll take pics to share!

While I've been cleaning, I've been streaming How I Met Your Mother on Netflix. I know there are some people who are dissatisfied with Netflix, but I love the service. I pay just under $24 a month to get 3 dvd's at a time and unlimited streaming. The kids love it, I love it, Jason loves it, we all love it! Considering that we don't have satellite or cable, it's a great way to watch t.v. and movies. I love how I can control what the kids are watching.

Sewing. I really need to be doing more sewing. The MERCS are going to be at the Detroit Institute of Arts on January 20, 21, and 22 performing! If you are in the area, come check us out! Jason and I are trying to make arrangements for the kids so he and I can go out for the weekend with them! Back to the sewing, I'm working on the gambesons for the fighters.

So I am hoping that this post will work for you guys for the Thought Filled Thursday! I know there are a lot of links to follow, but they are worth it, I swear! Have a great weekend everyone!

Thought Filled Thursday

2011-12-01T00:43:00.001-05:00

Now I'm not saying these will be deep and amazing thoughts, but I'm hoping that by starting a weekly post I'll get back into the habit of posting and maybe do even more of it. I know many bloggers that have a random thought day post. I think Thursdays fit for me.

The Beatles. They're great. The group itself is no longer. The music lives on for an eternity. Yellow Submarine is a fav around here. Jason has the action figures that were made based on the cartoon. One of Izzy's most favorite movies is Yellow Submarine. All of the kids love the album.

Abbey Road in LEGOs. Now that's cool. Almost as cool as my kid named Abbey after this very album.

More Beatles in LEGO. Still can't get much cooler than that. This looks a lot like the sets from "Help" and "Ed Sullivan Show".
My man Johnny, looking suave and relaxed and oh so sexy. Yummy. And all kinds of other adjectives, most of them related to food or eating.

Almost nothing sexier than a man laughing. Have a pic of him laughing with his kids, that'll trump it. When it's Johnny, all bets are off.

Miss Piggy. Loved her as a kid. She has a new movie out, along with all the other Muppets. Took the kids to see it on Thanksgiving. It's just as good as it sounds.

There's my thoughts for this Thursday. If you don't hear from me before then, I'll see you all at the same bat time on the same bat channel next Thursday. Have a great weekend and beginning of next week.

Win a Kindle!

2011-11-26T14:59:00.004-05:00

I'm not giving it away, sorry I just don't have those kind of resources. However, Freely Educate is! Head on over to their page at http://freelyeducate.com and enter to win! I really don't think I'll win, but it's worth a try, right? I love this site, they always offer some amazing resources and ideas. Check them out, it's free to browse and they try to find free or low cost materials for homeschoolers, or those who supplement their kids' educations. What more could you ask for?

In Need of a New Title Photo

2011-09-16T00:59:00.001-04:00

Yeah, that one is a bit dated, don't you think? I am thinking a new layout too. I wonder if I can remember how to adjust the width of the text box to allow for my photos. I want something brighter, maybe a little easier to read.

Jason has been blogging a lot lately and it got me to thinking, why the hell don't I? I used to do it all the time but now it seems like I can't be bothered with the effort of it.

My brother set it up so the laptop and the tower can "talk" to each other. I wonder if I could use photoshop on my laptop without needing to install it by simply accessing it on the tower and opening it that way? That would be kick ass if that were the case.

This summer has been crazy weird and fun. I joined up with a bunch of rennie sword fighting odd balls and it has been a great time. I've done a bit of photography with them and I started another blog for some of those photos. Unfortunately, the tower died before I could edit the photos and do the first post! Now it's back up and running so I'm hoping that in this next week I'll get them up there for everyone to take a look at. Sadly the laptop is in the shop, the hard drive took a nose dive. Thankfully, it's covered by my kick ass warranty! I have to order the reboot discs from Dell, but that shouldn't cost more than $50 (I'm hoping it's less than that) and Best Buy will do all of the reinstalling. I'm going to give them the disc for the printer and have them do that as well just so I don't have to go through all of that again. Jack tells me he can set it up so I can I can use the laptop to tell the tower to print something for me. When I have him come set the network back up I'm going to ask him to set that up too.

We bought our house! We've lived here 4 years and I am SOOOO happy we are never going to have to move again! Jason's parents helped us out with the financing part, and we are VERY grateful for that! We couldn't have become homeowners if it wasn't for them. I wanted to mail Jason's mom some scones when we signed the papers, but Jason told me that they probably wouldn't ship well and to just wait to make them until we see them again.

Izzy is back in school for the year. His IEP went pretty well. Stacey, our family case worker, rocks the fucking kazbah! She was there for the IEP, along with Mary Beth, who is another person who works closely with our family. It made me feel better to not walk into the room by myself. It always feels so overwhelming when doing that. Thankfully his teachers are familiar with me and they know that I know my kid and I don't back down when it comes to doing what I feel is best for him, what living with him for the past 5 years has taught me is best for him.

James is doing pretty well. His medications have helped him find some stability, and he has a great therapist. Jayda - we are in the beginning process for her. She sees the psych on the 26th. I have a really good idea of what is going on with her, and thankfully, this guy (the same guy James sees) knows me and listens to me and honestly and actually considers what I'm saying and recognizes the value that my words and input have. It can be hard to find a professional, especially a psychiatric one, that does that.

The twins are 2. Yeah, that drives home the point of the title picture being outdated, doesn't it? I have some photos from this past spring when Kati was here visiting. I could use those I think.

Well, I suppose that is all for right now. I'll try to get back and blog some more within the week. Maybe even post some recent-ish pictures. Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Oh, as an afterthought, I've just started using this new blogger interface, so if things get a little wonky, that's why!

You Ever Look Around

2011-06-13T23:35:00.002-04:00

and realize that what your child has accomplished is HUGE even though other children his/her age accomplished that YEARS ago? Yeah? Then you have a special needs child and you know exactly where I'm coming from. No? Then you have no clue as to what the hell I'm talking about.

Being that I am raising SN and NT (neurotypical) kids, I see the differences every day. The twins are doing things that Izzy never did (and honestly STILL doesn't do).

Today was one of those accomplishment kind of days. Well, for one thing at least. Izzy let me cut his hair. Yep, that's it. Cut his hair. Well, more accurately, trimmed it. He didn't scream. He didn't shove me away. Admittedly, it didn't take very long, all of 2 minutes. I made sure of that. And I talked to him, asked him if I could do it. He had his iPad to help distract himself. He brushed at the fallen hair, probably because it itched.

This is HUGE. Now I will be able to trim his hair as it gets longer and keep him from getting a mullet as the top grows out. And for all of you that think "What's so big about a hair cut?" You have NT kids and have NO idea. That's what's so big about it.

I belong to this board, it's one of those message boards. It's private. We share, a lot. All of us have kids that were born around the same time as Izzy. There are many days where I don't share a thing. Most of them just don't get it. They have children who are going into a regular kindergarten class next year. Their kids can talk. Their kids are toilet trained. Their kids don't need special services or receive disability payments. None of them are learning sign language just they can hope to be able to talk and understand their child. Honestly, there are many days where I feel like I should leave the board. I feel like the outsider, looking in on all of these "perfect" children and it reminds me daily of where Izzy "should" be, where he "could" be.

I joke about how he'll end up with a really talkative wife because he won't try to get a word in. Or what kind of job he'll get as an adult. The true reality of it is that those things may not happen, in fact it is far more likely that they won't instead of thinking they'll be part of his life process.

I see this bright good looking kid who is burried in his own head. Where his 2 year old siblings can speak more than he can, where they can make themselves understood better than he can. Where they'll be toilet trained and on to learning "typical" stuff long before he seems to.

Izzy loves his puzzles. He's learning to count with them. He has one that requires him to put the pieces in by numerical order and he can do it through 10. He has another that requires him to do it alphabetically, and it doesn't always start with A, and he can do that too. He knows quite a few more signs than any of us do. I find I have to look up what he's doing just so I know what he's talking about.

All of this to simply say, today is a haircut. Tomorrow is...well I don't know, I'll have to wait and see. However I'm sure it's going to be HUGE, even if someone else's kid did it years ago.

It's April...

2011-04-03T21:14:00.004-04:00

That means that it's now World Autism Awareness month. Obviously this means a lot to me. These boys make life interesting and chaotic and worth living every day. Watching them grow and learn and change, and being there to help them do that, is, well, honestly indescribable.

I know a lot of mom bloggers with Autistic children are starting the month off with posts about what Autism looks like. After all, it doesn't have a look. It's not like some disorders where you look at a child and say "That child is Autistic" or "That child has Asperger's".

On a side note, why is it a child IS autistic and a child HAS Asperger's. Why isn't it one or the other? They are both on the same spectrum, have some of the same things going for them. Afterall, if Asperger's weren't called that, these Aspie kids would be considered high functioning autistic. Then they'd go from HAVING to BEING.

Anyway.....what does Autism look like to us? A whole mix of things, that's for sure. You have all of those "classic" autism things with Izzy. You get all of those social oddities and speech repetitions and "little genius" speak from James. But that's not how it looks, that's how they ARE.

I took Izzy to the store with me this afternoon. I needed to pick up some basics for the week and to get some specific stuff for dinner tonight. I don't usually take Izzy with me, he can be hard to manage, but he's getting better. He loves to sit in the cart, but he's too big to do that now, so I made sure to get a cart he couldn't sit in, that removed the issue right there. I put his hands on the handle, which was low enough for him (thankfully he's a bit big for his age) and I guided the cart, while staying close by him.

We walked through the store to where the dairy is. We've been learning signs, thanks to our extensive collection of Signing Time videos. Izzy doesn't speak. Well, that's not quite true. He speaks very little, and what he does say comes across as though he has a mouth full of marbles. Cheese is one of his favorite foods, so we signed cheese as we were picking out shredded mozerella for home made pizza later this week. A little further down, we needed some cottage cheese. Again the cheese sign, and he put the containers in the cart. We needed a gallon of milk (we go through at least 2 a week) so I signed milk and held the door open to the cooler by our kind. Izzy grabbed the gallon and put it in the cart.

Next on the list was chips (Pringles) and Chicago style popcorn. Down the snack aisle we went. I signed chips, and handed Izzy the containers to put in the cart. We found our popcorn, signing it of coarse, and put that in. Next was Daddy's soda. I don't know the sign for soda, so I used juice. I put that in because it's heavy.

We needed hamburger buns for the pulled pork and a loaf of bread (something else we go through quite a bit of each week). I signed bread for both because I don't know the sign for buns. And apples, everyone loves apples (we easily go through 2 3lb bags of them a week).

All through the store Izzy kept his hands on the handle of the cart, only letting go to put food in the cart and to try to sign what we were getting. Looking at him, you couldn't tell that he was autistic. Maybe deaf because of the signs and the fact that he was speaking. While in the check out lane, he let go of the cart to put the groceries on the belt. Then he did his jumping/arm flapping/squealing thing. THEN you *might* have seen him as autistic, if you were familiar with autism.

My point is that the entire trip to the store was a simple task to pretty much anyone, but to Izzy it's not. It's a time full of extreme stimulation where any one thing *could* be the final thing that adds up to being too much for him to handle any more.

Admittedly, Izzy is pretty adaptable. He was upset to begin with when he couldn't ride IN the cart, but he was content with holding onto it. While we walked by the other customers (and it was BUSY because it's Sunday) no one would have seen the autism, they would have seen a mommy and a little boy at the store on a Sunday buying groceries.

That's very true, that's what we were. A mommy and a boy at the store on a Sunday buying groceries. But we were SO much more. My autistic child was able to walk through the store and was learning and not overwhelemed to the point he couldn't handle it. This little boy was trying to communicate with me, and he was watching everyone else too. He was OK with walking down the different aisles and looking at all the foods.

I will say that I made sure to avoid foods that he would REALLY want (like candy, cookies, and cereal). I kept the trip as short as possible. I talked to/with him the entire time. Telling him what I was looking for, what we were getting next. In my way, I was trying to keep him informed so he wouldn't get to feeling lost or overwhelmed with all that was going on. I wanted him to stay focused on what we were doing, why we were there. By doing that, I was hoping that it help him feel secure, even with so much going on around us. I'm happy to report that this time it worked. Maybe next time it won't, but that's just the way it goes sometimes.

Autism doesn't look like anything, unless you are familiar with it. Another mom of an autie may have recognized what I was doing. I know I do. I was in Barnes and Noble one evening with Jenn. There was a mom who was working with her teenage/adult autistic son about picking out the item he wanted. He was having a very hard time narrowing it down, he kept telling her he wanted to get his thing and also that he wanted to go home. She was in line in front of us and ended up stepping out of line so her son could, once again, go back and look at what he had in mind. Some people may have seen a mentally challenged boy. The way he spoke sounded vaguely familiar to Forrest Gump. However, I KNEW. I saw more than the way he spoke. I saw the arm flapping. The frustration that was so clear on his face. I smiled at the woman. I wanted to say something else, but I wasn't sure what. I've had those same evenings with James. Taking him to pick something out and sitting there for 20 minutes while he made up his mind and changed it and made it up again and all the time getting more and more frustrated because it's HARD to take it all in. James is better able to speak than this young man was, but that doesn't make it any easier for him.

I often wonder what autism will look like as these boys get older. How will puberty go for them? What about dating? College? Jobs? These are all so unknown. I know more and more people are dx'd as autistic (or on the spectrum somewhere) every day. It seems like it's almost an epidemic.

I think part of it has to do with how many different things are classified as autism. I think it also has to do with how people are more willing to ask for help with their children and figuring out what is going on with them. I also think it has to do with how our society has moved from being a hard physcial labor all day to one of leisure and sitting and wasted energy. A child like James, about 100 years ago, growing up on a farm would have worked hard from sun up to sun down. He would have been too tired to get too worked up over much of anything. And if he had gotten worked up, more work would have been given to him. As for Izzy, he would have been placed in an institution as being a dumb mute and left to rot. He wouldn't have been given a dx and therapies and help. Neither would have James.

As I sit and look at our society and how it is now, I see the improvments for those with any kind of difficulty. And I see how so many people are still ignorant and unwilling to accept those that are different in any way. I know every person that drives by my house at night wonders why I have blue lights out front instead of the white ones like everyone else on the block. I know that people wonder why I homeschool my kids instead of putting them in the one size fits all institution that's "normal".

My family is different. In more ways than can be seen. I'm OK with this (usually, even I have my days, as does everyone) and I feel like everyone else should be too. Sadly, they often aren't.

We are told that we should accept everyone for all of their differences. The focus of years past has been skin color. In more recent years it's been sexual orientation and even more recently it's been religion. I want to see people get up in arms about acceptance of people are different mentally. Who are challenged by every day things in some way or another. I want to see the parades for their rights. I want to see the issues talked about on daytime shows and on the evening news. I want to see headlines about the fight to ensure that my children have the same rights, the same chances that everyone else gets.

Sadly, they are pushed to the back, beause it makes so many uncomfortable that it's "easier" to do it that way. Sure, we have laws that say we have to do it, but so many people just DON'T do it. Why is that? Why should I have to explain when my child has a tantrum (or runs away as James did once) in the middle of the store that he's autistic. Why shouldn't it be assumed that something MORE than just bad parenting is going on there?

Stop and ask yourself that. Do you hear a child screaming/crying/carrying on in the store/restaraunt/library and automatically think "If that were my kid he wouldn't behave like that"? Did you ever stop to think that no matter what I have done has NOT helped this child calm down and they are now throwing themselves on the floor/running away beause it's just too much for them to handle? Next time, alter what you think. Put yourself in that person's place (admittedly it's usually a woman, a very tired frustrated sad looking woman) and think how YOU would feel if everyone were staring at you and thinking EXACTLY what you are even though there is NOTHING that can be done.

Today was a success with Izzy at the store. Next time might not be or it might be James, who is "too old" to be throwing a tantrum like that. I don't feel that I should have to wear a sign or explain to everyone that he is autistic and can't handle what is going on that day.

All of this to say this....Autism doesn't look like what you think it should. Autism looks like what it is and for every child who is on that spectrum, it looks different. Don't close your mind, or your heart, to what autism is. It affects so many more than you know, the numbers should prove it if nothing else does.

My Own Space

2011-03-16T21:36:00.003-04:00

This past weekend was bittersweet. A couple (technically 3 because the twins are 2 people, meaning 2 milestones wrapped into one event) of milestones were hit.

Firstly, Izzy is now riding in a backed booster seat with JUST the seat belt!!! He'll be 5 at end of March. He's been in the 5 point straps up til now. He's a bit big for them but we were worried he'd try to get out of his seat if he just had the seat belt.

While riding the bus home, he would also be in a 5 point harness (special ed busses have restraints for the kids). His foot kept falling asleep because of the way he was sitting in it. His driver asked if it would be all right to put in him the seat belt (all seat belts that are being used with him have should straps). I said sure, we shouls give it a try, and that's when I decided to try Izzy in a seat belt.

On the trip down to SIL's he did GREAT!! He loved being able to look out the window. Our van doesn't have shoulder straps all the way across (it's a 99, it also doesn't have the latch hook system) so James went to sitting in the middle and Izzy and Jayda are at each side. He sat well in the seat and didn't mess with at all.

The 2nd (and 3rd) milestone was that the twins are now sleeping upstairs in a big kid room in a big kid bed!!! Jack almost pushed Abbey out of the crib on Friday and I knew it was time to send them upstairs. While the kids were gone this weekend, Jason patched a hole in the wall and we made the beds and put up a gate in the doorway. That way the won't accidentally fall down the stairs or wander into the play room and eat toys they shouldn't have. They are still sleeping together, and I figured that until they ask to sleep seperately, they will continue to do so. There is a 2nd bed in that room, that Kati will be using when she comes to visit. They do have some of their toys upstairs (Yay for some of the toys from my living room disappearing!) and their blankets and lovies. They sleep pretty well in the big bed, I think they are enjoying having more space!

That brings me to My Own Space. Yeah, it DOES deserve to be capitalized! As I'm cleaning up the office, I'm noticing a big empty space. Originally I thought that I might put a papa san in there, a quiet reading space that I or one of the kids could go to. However, the more I'm thinking on it, I'm thinking that maybe a craft table would be a better option. Right now, the pack n play is in there for Jack's tanturms. It'll stay there until he gets big enough to go to his room for them (standard house rule, all tanturms go upstairs). Then I'll have space to play with.

Which leads me to what to put in that empty space in the corner. I have a bunch of containers of fabric that really should go in there, to help declutter the living room. It'd be nice to have a place to work on crafts that I don't need to tear down each time I'm done with it, like I do with the living room table. Having the pc in there is handy, so I can look up things I might need to know, or even to play music.

If you had a space of your own, what would you put in it?

Ever Feel Like...

2011-03-10T00:18:00.005-05:00

The worst parent of the year? That's me today. It's not because of something I've actually done. It's how I feel. It's how a realization has made me feel.

I went to therapy today. I almost feel like that sentence should always be taken as a negative sign. Kind of like when your partner looks at you and says "We need to talk". You know something not so pleasant is coming your way.

I thought today was going to be a good therapy day. I suppose in the true context of therapy, it was a great day. However the aftermath has left me disoriented and wrung out. I feel lost and confused. Therapy is supposed to get at the inner stuff and really make you think and figure things out, to help you grow and become someone better, for yourself, for your loved ones. No one ever tells you that process can leave you feeling like shit. Yeah, it's one of those swearing kind of days.

Today my therapist did as all therapists do, she got me thinking and self analysing and bringing the crap to the forefront to be confronted so it can be dealt with in whatever manner it needs to be. Today, my therapist was a bitch for what she poked and prodded to the front. Maybe after some time I won't see it that way, but right now that's how it is.

I've talked a little bit about Jayda here. About her difficulties. I will be completely honest. I've never fully accepted what her report said about her. I put up a block that said "That can't REALLY be the case, let's go see a specialist, they'll tell me something different". I've always felt a wrenching pain in my heart when I think of that report, or what that report says.

Here's some self analysis for you, kindly directed by my therapist. Growing up as I did, being told the things that I was, I associate "being smart" with "being good" and "being pretty" with "being bad". Them's the fucked up facts. For me, it was all important to BE SMART. After all, that is what I got recognition for. Screw being pretty, that was for DUMB girls. I didn't need to be pretty, I had a "God Damned Good Brain In My Head" and I shouldn't take 2nd fiddle to anyone or anything because I had the brains to do EVERYTHING.

Yeah. Fucked up, right?

Well here's where it carries over to my kids in a nice fucked up manner. We've all got to do it, we'll fuck them up as we were fucked. Vicious bitchy crappy cycle, but someone's got to do it, right?

To me, smart is good. With my kids, they can have any manner of difficulties as long as they are smart. Smart is something to work with. Smart is potential and possibility. With being smart, we can figure out how to work around the difficulties and teach them something useful, that they are quite capable of.

Pretty gets you nowhere, ESPECIALLY the girls. It gets a guy looking at your ass or trying to look down your top. It gets you groped. It gets you oggled and mistreated. Pretty goes away. Very few women, as they age, are still considered beautiful. With most, you say "She was really beautiful when she was younger". Ouch.

Jayda is a beautiful girl, but she isn't smart. She will never be smart. Her possibilities have become the Atlantic Ocean and there isn't any swimming across it.

That was, I think, the hardest thing I've ever had to say about one of my kids. James is bi-polar and has Asperger's. Kati is a bit OCD. Izzy is a non-verbal autistic. However, they are all extremely smart. To me, the smart is the most important. Everything else is just dressing.

For Jayda, she doesn't have that creamy center. Where smart should be is nothing. If she is lucky, she'll be able to read at a 6th grade level, even as an adult. She will have to always use a calculator (or have something physical to use) even to do the most basic of math.

Jayda has never been one to ask why or how something works. She's always taken it at face value. She doesn't want to learn new things, to explore things she isn't familiar with. While the rest of the world goes on around her, she is perfectly happy sitting at home playing her dolls or playing tag with her friends.

So I'm left trying to figure out how to parent her. I admit that I don't know how. The thought of even trying is so overwhelming to me it's shutting me down. I am having a very hard time envisioning any kind of future for her, what are her options? She could be a....stripper? Or a...cheerleader? She could be the perfect 1950's house wife. Oh wait. We don't live in the 1950's. And she'd have to be able to thing logically in order to keep a home running and organized enough to keep things going smoothly. Well, crap, where the fuck does that leave her?

I know, she can be a trophy wife! Won't have to think, just needs to look pretty. And in about 5 years, her husband will dump her, leaving her nothing (because she didn't think to make sure she was taken care of) and marrying some new girl. Obviously, that is every mother's dream for her baby girl. *snort*

What do I teach the child who doesn't have the desire to learn? How do I guide her to become the most that she can be when that most is so little that even she sees it as depressing?

Part of the problem is that while Jayda isn't smart, she is smart enough to realize that she is different, that she isn't like her brothers and sisters or her friends. That she is being left behind in their jokes and conversations.

For all of this, I feel like the worst parent in the world. First when she came from me, when she was born, I didn't make her (literally make her) as smart as she could be. I left her short in that area, so short that her future is empty. Second, because I see her future as empty. I can't get my head wrapped around her possibility, her potential. I'm getting sucked in to seeing only an empty vastness that will never be filled and that is doing Jayda an injustice. And yet, I don't know how to begin to change it. I don't know what it is that she COULD learn to fill that space so she can grow into an adult and BECOME as we all do.

Sickness and Healing

2011-02-18T01:04:00.003-05:00

I thought of this post a couple of days ago, but I am just now getting the time to sit down and write it out. Izzy came home a couple of days ago from school, laid down on the floor, and fell asleep. He slept pretty much until this afternoon. I'm still on Thursday, even though the post technically says it's Friday.

He didn't throw up. No diarrea or anything like that. He had a mild fever, but with his history of seizures, we gave him tyelnol just to be safe. We gave it to him twice. In those two days. He would get up every so often. Enough to point to a movie that was being held in front of him, or drink from a juice box or 7 up can. Then he would pass back out for another few hours. We'd change his diaper every few hours. He was still wetting, so that was fine.

Izzy barely ate anything, which always worries every parent and it did us. He didn't speak or use any real form of communication. My abilities to observe and understand without language were really put to the test.

We knew that today he'd be feeling better because he actually ate some of his breakfast, drank 2 juice boxes (before he'd barely get down 1/2), and got in the tub. He was also trying to use some kind of words. The other kids and I went on a field trip and Izzy was crying and upset when we left without him.

Tonight, he ate dinner and again drank more juice. Yesterday he felt cool to the touch so I knew then that he was on the mend.

What does all of this have to do with anything?

Izzy's body takes over when he is sick. It stops doing all extraneous functions. It pees, poops, breathes, sleeps, and rarely wakes and moves. He will drink and barely eat. He doesn't sit up much at all, but stays in a somewhat commical position of folded over his legs, which are indian style. He doesn't talk. He doesn't run and jump and play.

He also doesn't try to clean the house because it *must* be done. He doesn't go into work because it's what he *must* do. His body heals itself quickly and efficiently. Why? Because it is allowed to do as our bodies have been doing for eons.

There are so many times where we, as adults, find ourselves fighting those very urges and needs so that we can accomplish what we *must* simply because it's "what is done". Never mind that it takes us a week or longer to fully heal. Never mind that we are dead miserable for that week, and make those around us as miserable.

Why do we do that to ourselves? Are we truly helping anyone by going and doing what *must* be done while we are miserably ill?

I'm rather certain that most of the people that read this blog are parents. Aren't we supposed to be setting good examples for our children by doing things that take care of ourselves?

What is pushing yourself through your illness teaching them? That they must sacrifice their well being for those around them? If they aren't healthy, how can they be the best at whatever it is that they are doing? Doesn't the same go for ourselves.

Those of you with children that aren't autistic, how many of them do you send to bed to rest while they are sick? How many naturally lay in bed and feel miserable all on their own? Do you force them to do things that they don't want to while they are in that state? Why do you do it to yourself?

To be the best people that we can be (I'm on a tangent lately apparently) we need to pay attention to our bodies, to how they have been programmed to care for themselves. If it hurts, don't do it. That's a lesson that harkens back to our childhoods. If it hurts and is miserable to get out of bed and keep going as though we are well, why do we do it? What is it that honestly can't wait to be done?

I'm saying this, pay attention to what is going on with your body. It tries to shut down when you are ill so it can heal. The more you allow it to do what needs to be done, the sooner you will feel better.

As a side note, I'm not speaking of life altering illnesses here, but things like the flu and diarrea and severe head and chest colds, and sinus infections to name a few.

Rose Colored Glasses

2011-02-10T10:56:00.005-05:00

Any free thinking person realizes that Love Beats Hate. Sounds simple, right? You just look at it and go "Well, DUH". Sadly that isn't quite the case.

Now those of you who read here regularly know me. You know I stand up and say what I feel and think and I don't come across at it sideways, it's all straight forward. I feel that's the best way about it. You even know that my last post was one about unity.

I've always felt a bit like a dreamer. (Yes, "Imagine" just popped into my head, as I'm sure it did yours). Maybe it's naievete or looking at the world through rose colored glasses. You'd think that with all the difficulties I've had in my life that I would be a cynic. I can't do it. It literally makes me ill to be like that. It's against my nature. I have a feeling that it really is against everyone's nature.

Huh? What the hell am I talking about?

Think about it. When something really upsets you, how do you feel physically? At the least you get that frown on your face and your brow furrows. Right? If it keeps going, your stomach begins to get messed up. Your muscles tighten up. You feel aches and pains that really have no cause. Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe it's all that anger and frustration you're feeling? Have you ever noticed that when you are feeling that way, the whole world is a piece of shit? That nothing ever goes right? Everyone and everything is out to get you?

Let me tell you how it goes with these rose colored glasses. I feel good. Really honestly good. I smile. I'm happy. I try hard to share that goodness with others. Those things in life that make everyone angry, used to piss me off beyond belief, I take them for what they actually are, happenings in a life.

Your life is built of moments. Good ones, bad ones, scary ones, happy ones, sad one, enlightening ones. Allowing yourself to be brought down by few, or even one, of those moments short changes you in your ability to experience the rest of those moments.

How many times have you been angry about something, and your child or other loved tells you "I love you" and you totally missed out on it and gave them a simple "yeah yeah, I love you too, now go away"? Cut a little close to home?

I do not stand here unaffected by those moments. I am not a purist preaching to those that have strayed. I too, am in there, allowing myself to be affected in ways I shouldn't be. But heres the difference, I am trying, I am learning, to let them go. There is nothing I can do to change them once they have happened. It's that simple. Carrying that hurt, that anger, that mistrust, doesn't help anyone. It doesn't fix anything. It just festers and grows and affects everything and everyone in your life in a way I know you don't want. Why would anyone actually WANT to spread that around?

I know this is a post about sharing love and marginalized populations. Stop and think, are you putting yourself, and your life in with that? Are you marginalizing your own life, not living it to the fullest you can because you can't let go, you can't love and care and be happy? Maybe you feel you can't allow it, or maybe you can't heal from a past hurt, whatever it is, it's an excuse, it's a way to hide away, it's not being absolutely the best person you can be. And you are hurting yourself and those around you as you were once hurt. To deny yourself, to deny your loved ones the love, attention, and caring that you and they deserve, you are continuing that hurt. And when you break it down, it always originates with some kind of hurt.

So here's my statement to you. Let go of the hurt. It's not doing you any good, or anyone around you. Allow yourself the pleasure, the joy, the love that you and they deserve.

They may be rose colored glasses, but the view is amazing.

In The Name of Unity

2011-02-03T15:58:00.003-05:00

You'd think that being a parent of a large family there'd be unity in numbers? That other parents would be able to cross boundries of religion and livlihood and come together for the simple sake that with this many kids finding others with that in common would be great. It'd be supportive. It'd let you know that you aren't alone in this craziness of kids and households and all of that.

Apparently, I'm wrong. I guess I see the world through rose colored glasses. I guess I don't understand. Wait, I know I don't understand. I was told that because I don't fit in their box, that I cannot play.

I am tempted to post the email that I received. It's from one of the mom bloggers of the "All In A Day" blog post. I think I won't. I do have lots to say though

I would think that exposing yourself and your children to ALL of the people of the world would teach and encourage them, and yourselves, to be the best and the brightest that you could be. That you would want your children to understand and ACCEPT that there are so many different people in the world and they are all amazing for who they are.

However, that doesn't seem to be the case. Apparently because I think differently, because I see the world from different eyes, from a different perspective makes it so I'm not qualified enough to play along. Or maybe it's those very differences that scare the hell out of them. I was told that the ladies of the list want to make sure that their readers, who are young impressionable moms, read only "wholesome" blogs. It give the understanding, without coming out and saying it, that I might "corrupt" those young and impressionable minds.

It leaves with the feeling of How Dare I Be Different and Want To Join Their Club? Why would I believe that would be allowable? Maybe they should make clear when they say "Come Join In The Fun" that it says "Only As Long As You Believe As We Do Because We Must Keep it Pure".

Personally, I want my children to go out and be active members of our world's societies as a whole, not just little sects of it. I want them to KNOW that they are only one small part of what makes up a pretty amazing place. I don't want them to be deterred by the thought that someone isn't ok simply because of how they look, how they speak, or what they believe. I would think that every parent would want that for their child. But I've been corrected of that notion. I think that to do that to your children, keep them in that secluded box, is to do them a great disservice. When they become adults, and honestly even before then, they will realize that who they were taught to be isn't all in the world, that in fact that very belief is in the minority in most of the world. Living such a close minded life is detrimental. It doesn't matter what the beliefs underneath are, it boils down to the same problem.

Our world is rapidly changing. And it is going to continue doing so. We need to raise our children, whether we have 1 or 20, to go out and be members of the WORLD, not some small knit close minded community. Those types of communities is how atrocities and terrorists come about.

For people to be so close minded that they are only willing to accept their own is how this world ends up with things like apartheid and slavery and terrorism and genocide. These concepts go across the board in their inability to accept anyone else for who and what they are. Sadly, they are also often backed by religion. I don't want to be the part of any religion where concepts like these are acceptable. Where I'd be considered "saving" someone else for not believing as I do. What exactly am I saving them from? It's their soul, it's their life, who the hell am I to tell them how to live it?

Moreso, who am I to tell another what they can and can't read? Who am I to tell them who they can or can't love or marry? Who am I to dictate to someone else anything of the sort? I'm no different than anyone else and if I'm not in the position to do those things, who the hell are THEY who can do it to me?

I pity these women, I pity their children. They will never understand, nor experience, what life truly has to offer because they will not be able to open their minds, or their hearts, enough to allow someone who is different in. They are so afraid of the influence that person may have that they can't allow it to begin with. Which leads me thinking if their way of life is so great, why the fear of someone else? Could it be their own self doubt? How would it be possible that ONE person who is different, who sees the world differently, who lives their life differently, has the potential to cause so much havoc? That I can't be allowed on a list because I might not offer the "right" kind of guidance to young mothers? Makes ya think, don't it?

Anyway, I'm done with my tirade. I don't know what I'll do in place of that post. I thought it was nice in concept at least. Ah well, to each their own. At the end of the day, they have to lay in their beds and I have to lay in mine. I can't do anything about the fact that they see the world in black and white and I see the full spectrum of colors.

Prayers and blessings everyone. I really hope that your eyes are open to the world as a whole and not stuck behind the guise of being "right".

Not So Much All In A Day

2011-02-02T17:12:00.004-05:00

This was an introduction to a post joining with a bunch of other bloggers about being parents of large families. Apparently, I'm not "good enough" to be part of that because my views are different and I "take the lord's name in vain". So I was pulled from the list. Lovely, right? I'm still leaving a majority of this post up. I like the idea of doing something like this each week. I'll figure out a different name for it. If anyone wants to join along, go ahead. If not, that's ok too.

I'm Jamie. I'm married to Jason. I have 6 kids total. Jason and I share 3 of them, and it will soon be 5 of them. He's adopting James and Jayda this year (YAY FINALLY!!).

James, Jayda, and Izzy are all special needs. I talk on this blog about that, A LOT. It's definately a fixture in our lives. There are many many MANY ups and downs with having so many specific needs. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to do what is best for one without short cutting another. James has Asperger's Syndrome and is Bi-Polar. Jayda is still in the discovery phase. She will be seeing a pediatric neurologist at the end of April to see if maybe there is something going on that way. Izzy is Autistic and almost completely non-verbal.

My mornings and early afternoons each week are BUSY. Between OT, Tutoring, therapy, classes, and regular doctor appointments we spend quite a bit out and about. Thankfully with Jason working 3rd shift, he stays home with the non-appointment kids and gets Izzy onto his school bus. Afternoons when the appointments are done are spent doing schoolwork.

James and Jayda are homeschooled. We don't follow a specific curriculum, which makes it easy to tailor to their needs and interests. I've started blogging about already and I will be doing that more and more. Izzy attends a school with a specialized autism program.

Kati, my oldest, doesn't live with us. We see her as often as possible, but with her being a teenager, she has a busy schedule of her own and we feel it's not often enough. She plays the violin and flute. She's in drama club, plays basketball, and recently joined the wrestling team. She's in 8th grade this year and is amazingly brilliant. She loves to read and write poetry and draw.

James is 12. He's funny with a sarcastic whit. He is learning to love reading, I'm teaching him to bring a book to every appointment and class because you just never know when you may end up sitting there and be waiting. James loves legos, right now his focuses are the Bionacles. He is a great artist and loves to draw in pencil. Video games are a favorite way to pass his time, and he feels he doesn't get to play enough.

Jayda is bright light in our day. She always seems to be happy, unless of coarse she is being thwarted by her brothers. She is the girliest girl I've ever met and I'm trying to figure out how she came from me. She loves her skirts and pink shirts. If it glitters or has feathers it becomes a daily part of her wardrobe. The outfits she comes up with always make me laugh. I often wonder if she'll have a future designing clothes. She's just beginnging to learn to sew and cross stitch. She also wants to learn to play guitar and piano.

Izzy is short for Issac. He is mischief packaged in a 5 year old boy. While he doesn't talk much, he is sharp as a tack. He loves all things with wheels, and the movie Cars. Jumping and bouncing are great fun to him, especially now that he has his own mini trampoline. Izzy is very much a rough and tumble boy who loves mud puddles and digging in the dirt.

Finishing out the kids are our 18 month old twins, Jack and Abbey. They were our last "baby". They keep us entertained and in stitches from their cuteness and antics. They are learning new things every day and are very very happy. I'm pretty sure they know how cute they are and use it to their extreme advantage.

Jason is my rock and co-conspirator in this crazy game of life. We're both in our mid 30's (already? When did we become grown ups?). We've been together for 8 1/2 years and married for 5 1/2 (almost 6) of those. He is the opposite side of my coin. Our cores are the same but how we look at things is completely different and it works out. He collects coins and his interests change with the seasons it seems. He's an amazing artist and plays the guitar beautifully. He works at WalMart. His plan is to work his way into management.

I'm honest and frank and prone to swear. I'm working on the swearing thing, at least curbing it a bit. It's crazy and chaotic and I couldn't imagine having it any other way. I am crafty to a fault. I have about a bajillion projects of all sorts going on at once, knit, crochet, scrapbooking, sewing, quilting, and beading. I play the clarinet, tenor saxaphone, and bassoon passably well. I'm teaching myself piano (along with the kids, I'm about 2 steps ahead of them thankfully) and Jason is teaching me guitar. I love to cook and bake. The best thing I've ever bought for my kitchen was my Kitchen Aid mixer. And no, my hair isn't blue anymore. That was a temporary dye.

We all live in a big old house (over 110 years old) in a moderately sized city. Our goal is in a few years to move much further north where it stays colder longer and there are fewer people. Our only limitation is that there has to be a WalMart somewhat close by so Jason can work. I garden when it's warm, both flowers and food. We do a lot of work on our old house and when we move, I know I'll miss it, and all the trees, bushes, and perennial plants I've put in.

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you enjoy checking out all the blogs that are playing along!

Good News

2011-01-29T21:06:00.003-05:00

He agreed. He called me a few days ago and said that he'll do it. I don't know what changed his mind, but he said he'll do it.

James has joined facebook. When I signed him up, I used my name. A couple of reasons. I want him to get used to seeing it and spelling it. If he were to become friends with some of my friends, as I figured he might so he could have more neighbors in his games, they would know he was my kid.

My ex friended him. He made a completely seperate profile just for the friendship. I'm not sure why on that one. I got some 1/2 ass answer about how he wanted to protect his privacy and he didn't want me seeing what was going on on his page. Um, OK.

Jayda has never really known him. He and I seperated when I was 6 months pregnant with her. Jason and I have been together since she was a month and a 1/2 old. Jason IS her dad.

Jason and I have decided that once we receive the refund from my ex's income tax, we'll file the paperwork with that money. It's not budgeted or anticipated for anything else, so it's perfect. He owes quite a bit in arrears so his income tax return has a lien on it to pay that down. That money comes to me. When the adoption is finalized I'll be requesting that the reamaining amount of arrears is dismissed so he will no longer owe it.

I have always hated James' middle name. Out of my three choices, I picked the most "normal" one, but it still isn't one I would have gone with under any other circumstances. As it turns out, a lot of us in the family has the same initials. I suggested to James to consider a new middle name, one that starts with the same letter as most everyone else's. He said that would be fine and we started looking through baby names. One of the first ones that was suggested is what he liked and it fits him well so we are going with that.

For Jayda, we are changing her name from Jayden to Jayda. Honestly, I didn't want to name her Jayden to begin with. That was a conflict with my mother. When she was about a year old I realized that I had heard the name Jayden quite a bit, but always in reference to a boy. Wait, every once in a rare rare while Jayden would be a girl. There were even boys with the y in the name. Having grown up with a "boy" name, I didn't want to do that to my daughters. Jayda has also not liked that her name was a "boy" name. We tried calling her Jayd. That didn't go well. She didn't like it. So I suggested Jayda. I don't want to change her name too much from what it is now. She was OK with it. I told her that I could show her a Jada in real life. I found pics of Jada Pinkett-Smith. When Jayda realized that Jada was a girl, she was married to Will Smith (who she ADORES) and that their son is Jaden, she was completly on board. Now it's a matter of training all of us with the new name. We are doing it now before the adoption so that once it takes place it's old hat. I've talked with her therapist and tutor about it and they are going to use Jayda as well. I need to call her OT and talk to them. OT was cancelled this week for a seminar the OT's went to.

Anyway, we are very happy with the news that things are moving in a good direction around here. Hopefully by the end of this year, or the beginning of next at the latest the paperwork will finalized.

Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope you have a good weekend and get some good news yourselves.

Answering Tough Questions.

2011-01-19T23:49:00.004-05:00

I've recently come upon an occasion (or 12, I do see a therapist after all) where I have to ask some really difficult questions. Self inventory kind of questions. Questions that really have no right or wrong answer, but leaving them unanswered just isn't an option.

What I've done in the past is just avoid those questions. It's easier that way. Leaving those questions unanswered means that I don't have to look at myself, into myself, to find out what it is that makes me tick.

What I've come to realize is that I'm at the point where I can't avoid them anymore. Let me tell you, that sucks ass.

These kinds of things make me feel vulnerable and scared, and that always rises the hackles and puts me on the defensive and usually leads me to being pissed off. I know I'm getting pissed when I start swearing more (yes, I swear when talking with my therapist). I get loud too. My loudness has taken a long long long time to get to any semblance of control, and when I'm angry, that control slips and slides away.

I've discovered that being the parent of these kids, these very special kids who need so much from everyone around them, is that I really don't know shit. That sounds funny doesn't it? It's true. I don't know a God Damned Thing About Anything. Everything that I've needed to know as an adult I've been learning from these kids. Well, and my husband too.

It's a process. This parenting thing. It takes so much time and effort to be a parent.

I know of many parents who look at me and say "I don't know how you do it all, I can barely handle my *insert any number* kids." This is normal for me. Trust me when I tell you that I don't know how I do it either. I wake up in the morning, do what needs to be done and then go to bed each night. That's how I do it. I know that if someone else were in my situation, they'd do the same thing, or at least I'd hope so. After all, being a parent is doing what needs to be done, no matter how much you want to, or don't want to, do it.

I was talking with Deb today about crisis and what IS a crisis. I've had many family workers who have said "I'm sorry, I can't come today, I've got a crisis" which is ALWAYS ok. It leads me to wonder, what exactly IS a crisis. In my mind, it's a kid ending up in jail or in the hospital. He/she has seriously hurt themselves or someone or are about to. That's crisis to me. Apparently, I live in a state of crisis and didn't know it. To an outside observer at least it looks that way.

I worry about what the future holds for my kids. It's not more one than the other, they each have their own very unique challenges ahead of them. I worry about how James will function in the working world. Authority and he don't mix well at all. I worry about Jayda and how she'll manage with such difficulties with comprehension. I worry about whether Izzy will even be able to communicate in a manner which can be understood by his family, let alone everyone else around him. How will these children hold jobs, have meaningful relationships, build families of their own?

I'm the kind of person who is loathe to ask for outside help unless THERE IS NO OTHER WAY. I've exhausted all of my options, all of my knowledge and I'm left staring at the wall going "Fuck, I need help NOW". I guess that's why the crisis thing to me is so extreme. Anything up to that point can/should be handled "in house". Screaming temper tantrums with or without throwing things and statements/proclamations of anger/frustration/anxiety/distrust/hatred/violence? Check, I can handle that. Needing to be held down in order to administer medication or keep from doing harm to self or others? Check, got that one covered too. Standing for an hour to hold a bedroom door closed to keep the child and keep him safe from himself and others? Yep, got that taken care. Sadly these are instances that happen frequently here. And I don't call for "backup".

There are so many kids out there that are throwing themselves off of roofs (I will admit that when James threatened to do that, I did call for backup, which was NO help and I took care of it myself) and shooting/stabbing/attacking people and running away and so many other horrible things that needing to restrain my child until he can regain his control seems so, well...minor. Deb tells me that I need to stop comparing it to what the other kids are doing. I need to look at it as an outsider would. Which is damn hard considering I'm living here every day.

How did this post go from self inventory questions to defining a crisis? It's simple really. When do I declare the State of Emergency and let loose with the tornado siren? Is my definition of crisis really the best guide? Would it be better to use the guide of someone else? And if I do, what exactly can they do for me? Trust me when I say talking to me/him on the phone won't cut it. If the person responding can't come here, then don't bother wasting my time. I'm too busy handling the situation and he's too busy causing it to be bothered with the phone.

So that's that. We'll see how it goes. I'm working with our family worker, Stacey, now about this. To see what we can come up with.

How do you...

2011-01-10T18:19:00.003-05:00

How do you convince a man that it's only a name? If a rose were called a thorn flower, it'd still BE a rose, right? This is the dilema (as a quick side note, according to Blogger's spell check, dilema is spelled *dilemma* Huh.) I'm coming across with Homer and James.

Homer has agreed to Jason adopting the kids, on ONE condition, that James keep his last name. HUH??? He doesn't want to pay child support, as it is he only pays 1/2 of what he's ordered to. I get the impression he feels he's paying for James. Homer has never wanted to claim Jayden as his. I don't know if he's pissed he has to pay support for her, but I do know he doesn't like it.

As far as Jason is concerned, James and Jayden are HIS kids. He's raised them for the last 8 1/2 years. He has done so with little input from Homer, aside from Homer's begrudgingly and unpredictably paid child support. It isn't unusual for the kids to go 2 or more years without seeing him and months without talking to him on the phone.

James has anxiety about his family relations as it is, I can only begin to imagine what it would be like for him to have everyone else in the family to have a different name. I think it would make him feel like he weren't as much a part of our family as everyone else.

Explaining that to Homer doesn't work. He doesn't care about that, he doesn't want to hear about that (or anything else that is ACTUALLY going on with James in any way that makes "his boy" seem less than "perfect" *snort*). All he cares is that James is "his boy" and "his namesake" (not keeping in mind that Homer's father has another son with the same last name) and that James should keep the name because that's what Homer wants.

I admit that I wish Homer would just stop paying support and disappear off the face of the Earth for at least 18 months straight. Then I could get the adoption done because of "abandonment". But he pays support 1/2 ass each month and calls every so often. Damn.

So how do I convince a man that is so self focused that what is best for his child isn't what he wants?

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope your week is filled with less perplexing things than what I'm trying to figure out.

That Whole Resolution Thing

2010-12-29T12:20:00.003-05:00

Do you do the resolutions? Do you resolve not to resolve? Personally, I set goals. I figure they are more attainable that way. I have some areas that I want to work on or continue to work on. Let me break them down for you.

House:

Keep it picked up - we have been doing a pretty good job at this one. I'd like to get it so we have the dishes almost completely caught up, the laundry almost completely caught up (I'm not deluding myself into thinking there will EVER be a point where they are both completely caught up, I live in a house of 7/8 people after all. Someone will always be using a dish or getting clothes dirty, it's the law of averages after all), and the office picked up.

Declutter/reorganize - This overlaps with a crafting goal because it means using materials that I have on hand, which will help declutter.

Deep Clean - The kitchen especially can use a deep clean and reorganization. This includes the back hallway/pantry area

Make progress on James' room. I'm not sure exactly what this will entail, it really will depend on our own funds, skill set, and when my dad is available to help us out. I know it will start with a deep clean of every surface in the room. It used to be a kitchen so it's kind of gross and wasn't cleaned well before we moved in.

Wall in the extra doorway in the Mid-Kids' (Jayden and Izzy) room.

Put up privacy fence. Fence materials will be bought with our Income Tax Return. We'll borrow a fence post hole digger from my dad.

Get a Super Yard Gate so that in the warmer months I can have the twins outside with me and not worry about them going where they shouldn't.

Gardening:

Get the gardens into the ground in a timely manner this year so that we can have fruit/vegetable harvests in the summer and fall.

Build at least 2 above ground vegetable/fruit boxes in the back yard. These will be for plants that grow above ground and/or take up a lot of room like melons and gourds, fruit, beans, and peppers.

Till the ground area for all below ground veggies (potatoes, carrots), tomatoes (they will use the fence for support), and other crops giving it a try like onions and garlic.

Plant at least one blueberry bush.

Seed grass early.

Till and maintain front flower and herb beds and back vegetable/fruit beds. This includes planting seeds and weeding as needed throughout the season.

Craft:

Use materials on hand to make the stockpiles diminish. I have plenty of yarn and scrapbook supplies and fabric to start and finish all kinds of projects.

Finish the multitudes of started projects and give them to the people I intended when I started it.

Learn to knit socks on DPN's

Have more pictures printed and scrapbook. I haven't scrapbooked in well over a year. It's something I enjoy doing but I just haven't done it. The kids also enjoy doing it and it's something we can do together.

Make more jewelry. I like doing it. Maybe at some point I'll start an etsy page, but we'll see how that goes.

Work on improving my knitting and crocheting techniques. Learn how to do 1 new stitch/technique each month.

Cooking:

Learn to bake a nice loaf of bread

Bake more

Learn some new recipes and get them in our monthly rotation.

Rotate the monthly shopping pattern with one month stockpile from Sam's and the next head to Meijer/WalMart to get what we need each week. This will allow us to use what is in our freezer over the next couple of months.

Cook with the kids regularly. This teaches them a good life skill, works on math and reading skills, and gets them helping.

Kids' Schooling:

Get them using the computer more. It's more interactive and engaging. This will be easier once I have a laptop (a planned purchase with our income tax return in Feb) so that I can work on the laptop in the living room and the olders can use the computer for schoolwork

Plan out a unit study and follow through with it at least twice a month.

Figure out how to use lapbooks and integrate them into our weekly work. This will go well with doing unit studies.

Work on the Feelings/Perspectives workbook.

Keep better track of their activities on the boards. This includes tallying points at the end of the week and having them "shop" in our prize box. I am also changing the board so that the week starts on Monday simply because we don't usually do any kind of "schoolwork" on Sunday.

Start utilizing all of the educational programming available with the Netflix. They usually find the programs really interesting and are learning things. Try to incorporate the programming into our weekly lessons.

Learn more ASL, even possibly take a class, and teach it to the rest of the family. Izzy is finally beginning to understand that motions are a way of communicating and I want to take full advantage of that.

Personal:

Work online more with either ChaCha or Amazon Hub. These two will allow me to get homeschool materials (that I have to pay for) as needed, get what craft materials I may need to finish a project, pay to print pictures, and help pad our income for expenses that come up between Jason's paydays.

Finish the SSI applications for James and Issac. Start researching SSI lawyers for when the denial letters come in.

Eat more fruits and vegetables.

Exercise 3-4 days a week. This could mean going for long walks, yoga, pilates, or wii workouts. To start with, I'll be focusing on yoga to strengthen and tone.

Take more pictures of everything. I feel like life is slipping by and there aren't enough pictures to document it.

Blog 2-3 times a week. Blogging helps me sit down and take stock of what I'm doing, what we're all doing, how we're doing, where we're going. I think that is important.

Talk and listen to the kids, all of them. No matter what it is that they are saying and if it bores me to tears. I want them to feel like they can come to me with anything so I need to show that I am willing to listen to everything.

Spend quality time with Jason on our kid free weekend each month. This means more than just being in the house together. I need to make time to spend with him, doing things.

Is this the year to be debt free? I don't know. However I want to work on paying down our debt. I want to get us living easily within our means so that we can also start having some savings. We are already on the road to doing this so it's a continuance kind of thing.

Stop self deprecating. Appreciate my value and worth. Know what it is that I offer to my family, to the world as a whole. Acknowledge my talents and faults and work to improve them both.

Un-Christmas each month. We (Jason and I) have decided that instead of one huge pile of presents at the end of the year, that we will split that pile up to 1-2 gifts each month. This will allow the gifts to fit into our budget better. Seasonal gifts (like bikes, skateboards, bubbles, chalk, etc) can be used at that time. Also, with the kids getting older, it will allow them to use gifts with their current interests in mind. We have found that likes and interests change within a 6 month period so buying something in May to use in December is hit or miss as to whether it will be liked/used. I bought a very small table top tree (on clearence for 1/2 off) for the kids to decorate with hand made ornaments each month. They'll wake up one day (a day chosen at random by me) and find their Un-Christmas set up for them on the dining room table.

I suppose that is all for right now. I've been thinking about these things over the past couple of days. Last year I tried to keep the goals simple, and I think I was successful. However I wanted more specifics this year, to give me better direction. I know these are year long things and can't be accomplished within a few days or even a few weeks.

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you have had a wonderful holiday season and the new year finds you in good spirits and health.

Entered a Contest

2010-12-25T10:27:00.004-05:00

For Westminister Fat Quarters on Fave Crafts. I love Fave Crafts. I get a daily email of about 20-30 free craft ideas and patterns. I often get emails with free e-books of MORE patterns and ideas. For someone who is always trying to think of things to do, this is a great resource for me!

So go check out Fave Crafts and sign up for their emails and start crafting!

Very Few Things Make Want To Cry When Reading Them

2010-12-21T02:49:00.002-05:00

However, reading what I read today does. It also makes me want to wake up all of my children and just hold them so much closer.

There is a woman, Amanda, who is from the same message board for moms of kids born in March of 06 as I am. Her daughter Alaina was born shortly before Izzy. She and her family really need your prayers and thoughts and good energy and all of that right now.

The women on this board are close, damn close. We have a lot of different personalities and quirks, but amazingly, 4 and a 1/2 years later, we still chat with one another and share our lives as though we lived next door to one another. They are one of my few contacts with other adults, they are a life line to me. These women, along with one other board, are my closest friends, and I've only met one of them in person.

Amanda had a little girl a few days ago. Her name is Lea. She was born with an infection in her lungs. That infection spread to the rest of her body through her blood. She couldn't keep her vitals stable. The doctors tried everything they could. Their final option was to do a complete blood transfusion in hopes that would remove the infection from her body. Lea would need to be put on a heart/lung bypass for this to happen. Sadly, Lea passed away earlier today.

Please keep Lea's family in your thoughts and prayers tonight and over the next few days. Amanda is the mom, and she's married to Nick. They have 3 other kids, Dyllan, Alaina, and Jack.

Homeschooling and Technology

2010-12-03T14:42:00.003-05:00

I don't usually do homeschool posts on this blog. I'm hoping to do that more. And crafting posts too. We'll see how it goes.

I want to mention some sites/things we are doing/using for our homeschooling. What I'm mentioning are free and for some of them you can get expanded features for a little extra. I have not been given anything by these sites to use them. I like them and I find them useful so I'm sharing the knowledge. We use them for homeschooling, but they can also be used to suppliment a public school education. The grades we are working on are all elementary, so please keep that in mind.

Kid Zui is a great kid's browser. I love how I can set up accounts for each individual kid. I also get sent an email of what the kids were doing, what sites they were going to, how long they were on it. It gives me comfort to know that they are doing things that are safe. I can also allow sites to go through that KidZui won't automatically. Each kid has their own avatar that they can customize. We paid a little extra so that they can earn more points and open new options for avatars and backgrounds. Jayden's account is pink'd out and James currently has a space theme. They use this for their free computer time but also for their schoolwork. By getting the emails, I know if they were on the site they were supposed to be for doing their schoolwork.

Academic Skill Builders is another great site. Their main site has a lot of different games that introduce and reinforce basic skills. They also have a section of games that can be used with the wii. You just need to have your wii set up to go online and you can get there. The games for the wii are meant for kids with basic reading/math skills already in place. They also work on stuff meant for kids up through 4th/5th grade. There are 9 levels for each game, each level takes 1 minute. The math games are multiplication, addition, and subtraction. The language games work on grammer, verbs, and antonymns/synonyms/homonyms. By having James do the work on the wii, he's using a video game to do his work (makes it more appealing to him), I'm not needing to print out a bunch of worksheets (more appealing to me so I don't have to track the work down and I save printer ink and paper), and with it being interactive I am hoping he retains it better. I like with the wii games I can walk into the room and directly observe him doing the work and know immediately what he's doing and where he might need some help.

ABC Mouse is a site that I like for preschool and kindergarten skills. With the difficulties Jayden has with language and reading, this is a great site for her. I also set up an account for Izzy to work on some basic skills. You can try it out for a week for free, then it's $7.95 a month for three kid accounts. We did the free week trial and Jayden LOVED it. I liked that she could navigate the site with little reading skill required. The games reinforced the basic language/reading skills I am working on her with. There are math, music, and art activities as well. I love the readalong books. Jayden would pick a story and the words would light up as the story was read.

I use a lot of sites for printing papers. I'll do another post for a more in depth list of those. Some quick mentions are CurrClick and Enchanted Learning. Both sites have a lot of free downloads. With CurrClick it is a central site for a lot of different publishers. They offer free downloads and samples. You can also choose to pay for some stuff. The prices vary by publisher. With Enchanted Learning, you can choose to pay $20 a year to get unlimited downloads. By doing that you get a lot more available to download as well as downloading lessons/books all at once instead of page by page.

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Remember that just because you homeschool (or know someone that does) doesn't mean you can't utilize technology to help you teach. Look through the sites. Try them out. Share them with others. Keep the learning going.

Happy Sweet 16

2010-11-19T11:45:00.002-05:00

I often wonder if she's a girly girl and planing a huge pink princess type blowout for her 16th birthday. I often wonder if she's more like me, tomboy and blue loving, wanting a party with just a few close friends. Either way, I don't know. I know where she is, I could shove myself into her life and try to find out. That isn't the best way to handle it. Instead sitting here wondering is the way to go.

She turns 16 today and I regret that I'm not there with her, celebrating this once in a lifetime super exciting event.

I have always said that I live my life with no regrets, that all that has gone on has been for a purpose, for a reason and that regretting it is wishing my life to be different than it is. That's only true to a point. I've come to realize that it also sounds like I'm not apologizing for my mistakes. I also once stupidly said that I don't apologize because it doesn't accomplish anything. I realize now that it does accomplish something, it lets the other person know that I admit that I am wrong and sometimes, that may be all that is needed, or can be done.

I often wonder what kind of young woman she has grown up to be. I am sure that she is moral and kind and brilliant. Maybe she's musically talented, though I don't know if she would play an instrument or not. Maybe she likes bright colors and flowers and lets her personality show through that way.

I fully believe that my mother has never forgiven me for cutting myself off from my daughter. She was the first grandchild and her namesake. She was very special to my mom, as it seems only one other has been since. My mom doesn't understand the why's or how I could possibly do that to her/to us. For her, it was the best thing, for me it was the worst. What else does it matter if it was the best for her?

I wish I had more recent pictures of her. So I could put them up along with the ones I have of her when she was younger. While she is no longer my daughter in name, she is my daughter in heart.

Prayers and blessings everyone. Hold your loved ones close. You just never know if there may come a time when you have to do what is best for them and worst for you.

He Started School

2010-11-01T01:44:00.003-04:00

Izzy started school on the 27th. He rode the bus there and back on the first day. He looked a little lost when I put him on the bus, but he seems to have quickly figured it out. He won't be riding on Thursdays because of his OT, but otherwise he does every day. He came home with candy from their Halloween party on Friday, along with a cold. He's very snotty and messy and has graciously shared with the other kids. I don't know if he'll be going in the morning or not. I am going to call and ask for their opinion. I think he'll be staying home for a day or two to make sure he is over the worst of it, basically meaning his nose is no longer running like a leaky faucet. I do have some pics to share, I need to edit them. They'll be up later today (as it is now technically Monday).

We did nothing for Halloween. The kids watched a couple of movies and Jason made up little baggies (snack size) candy for them. Considering that baggie is more candy than they usually have in a month's time, they were pretty happy about it. The high temp today was 49. It was definately a stay at home and veg out kind of day.

We start school officially tomorrow (well technically today). I'm still figuring out all of the lessons and there are some more materials I'd like to get. I do want to get the ball rolling and get the kids into the groove of it.

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you all have had a safe and happy Halloween.

Craft Giveaway

2010-10-22T15:48:00.003-04:00

It's not a craft I'm making, it's one I'd like to make. I entered a contest to win one of these bracelet kits. I figure I can have Jayden help me out with them and she could give them to friends. Admittedly, if I knew how to make them, I wouldn't need the kit. I have plenty of stuff around here to make just about anything with.

I love favecrafts and the newslettes that I get in my email. I admit that I save them all there, for easy reference. Yes they all of the crafts that are listed are on the main site and I could search for them. Sometimes the ease of scrolling through the email and getting the ideas that way is nicer. I may be at a loss for an idea and I'll get the email and have an "AHA!" moment right there.

If you craft in anyway, I highly suggest you sign up for the newsletters. Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you have a fun filled and crafty weekend.

According to the BBC

2010-09-21T19:21:00.004-04:00

I got this list from Unmitigated.

The BBC believes that most people will only have read, on average, 6 of these 100 books. Let's see how I stack up, shall we?

1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen (all Jane Austen books are on my to be read list)
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien (I will totally admit that I tried to read this book and I just couldn't do it)
3. Jane Eyre - Charolotte Bronte (again it's on the list to be read)
4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee (in fact, James is going to be reading this one this year, he just doesn't know it yet)
6. The Bible
7. Wuthering Heights (on the list to read)
8. 1984 - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa May Alcott (I've read all of her Little Women and Little Men books)
12. Tess of the D'Ubervilles - Thomas Hardy (Never heard of it before)
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller (never heard of it)
14. Complete works of William Shakespeare (Partially, and honestly they are plays and are meant to be seen performed, not read straight through)
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier (never heard of it)
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk (never heard of it)
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger (on my list)
19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger (on my list)
20. Middlemarch - George Elliot (never heard of it)
21. Gone with the Wind - Margaret Mitchell (and the sequel Scarlet)
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald (on my list)
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy (thought of it, it's a bit of an intimidating read)
25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh (heard of it in passing, not enough to be interested thoug)
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky (Ugh, that just SOUNDS like work to read)
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck (and East of Eden)
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll (and Through the Looking Glass)
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy (thought of it)
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis (wouldn't this count as one of the Chronicles of Narnia?)
36B. Because of the repeat, I'm substituting The Jungle - Upton Sinclair
37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres (never heard of it)
39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Aurthur Golden
40. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41. Animal Farm - George Orwell (I went through an Orwell phase just before freshman year of high school, I was a geek, I spent a chunk of my summer reading classic books)
42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45. The Woman in White
46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. Far From the Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding (I know this is a popular in high school and I'm not sure how I ever got around it and I'm pretty glad that I did)
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
51. Life of Pi - Yann Martell
52. Dune - Frank Herbert (Never had the desire, but Jason has read the entire series)
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon (good book on getting an inside look from the perspective an Asperger's mind)
60. Love in the Time of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck (on my list)
62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas (it's on my list)
66. On the Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70. Moby Dick - Herman Melville (in all my reading of classics I never had the desire to pick this one up)
71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes from a Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Aruthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - AS Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kuzua Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance - Rohnton Mistry
87. Charlotte's Web - EB White (along with The Trumpt of the Swan and Stuart Little)
88. The Five People You Meet in Heaven - Mitch Albom (along with For One More Day and Tuesdays with Morrie is on my list to read)
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthor Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. The Three Muskateers - Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare (I've seen it performed, does that count, and isn't this part of the complete works of Shakespeare?)
98B Due to duplication, I'm substiuting my own The Scarlet Letter - Nathaniel Hawthorne
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl (and the follow up Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator and James and the Giant Peach. I also have a collection of his short stories meant for adults)
100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

How many of those books have you read? How many do you think should be on the list? Have you even heard of all of them?

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you are able to work on your own reading lists this week.

Izzy

2010-09-04T01:06:00.004-04:00

The past 4 years have been a rollar coaster with Izzy. From the moment of his impending birth and the fact that it took 3 days for that to happen all the way through to this moment now at 1:08 in the morning when he is wide awake and standing next to me it has been an interesting ride.

He has definately done things the hard way as it's said. Maybe he just needed to do them in a way that would definately be memorable. Whatever it was, it will definately not be forgotten any time soon.

Spending almost his entire first year hopped up on drugs left him agreeable and happy. It also made figuring out what was going on with him later more difficult because everyone would always point back at that first year and say "Oh, it's just a carry over from that, he'll catch up soon enough".

I know his pediatrician mentioned in passing once at least a year ago, if not more, the possibility of autism, and if I thought that might be the case. I was firm in my statement that no, that couldn't be it. I was familiar with autism after all, simply because of all that James has gone through (Asperger's and ASD are both parts of the same spectrum of disorders) and Izzy just wasn't anything like James in behavior.

It wasn't until this past May that I actually considered the validity of the "Autism Question" as I'll call it. Jayden's therapist, who spent a grand total of MAYBE 10 minutes a week with Izzy said that she felt he was autistic and that he may benefit from a special local autism program. I didn't like the woman anyway, so as is my way, I told her off in a barely veiled "polite" manner.

What she said stuck with me. It just wouldn't let go no matter how much I told it to go to hell and that it couldn't possibly be the case. Then I did what I usually do and went looking for answers. The thing about answers is that when you get them, they may not always be what you want out of them. What I was finding was that what was going on with Izzy very well could be autism.

Now that I knew about the possibility I went to the pediatrician and asked what to do next. So she told me. I put in the request for an evaluation through the local agency that handles that stuff county wide. I met with them for the original appointment in June. The evaluation was scheduled for the end of August. A very long wait for a final answer, and a very frustrating one at that.

At that first appointment the woman told that based solely on what I said there that it seems like Izzy is autistic and that he would qualify for the program. From that point on, I told people that he most likely had autism. We didn't know for sure, but we were looking for the answers and waiting for that day at the end of August that would hopefully yield them.

That day was August 26. I took Izzy at 9 in the morning to the school where we met with the team. There were 4 people on the team. For just over 2 hours they took turns playing with Izzy and talking with me. Getting as much info as they could through observation and from what I had to say. They left for 10 minutes. When they came back they had the answer. I had been told that they may need to do a home visit or two, and I was expecting that, but they told me that they wouldn't need to, that they knew then what was going on.

Izzy is autistic. He'll be attending the special program 5 days a week for 1/2 days, most likely in the afternoon. This is a year round program. It is run by the county wide agency, not the school district. He is going to remain in this program until they decide to "mainstream" (I really hate that concept, but I won't get started on that now) him and then he'll come home to be schooled. At that point, we'll keep extra services, if they are needed, going.

I know a lot of parents would be absolutely devestated with this diagnosis. I was expecting it. I am relieved to finally have it because now things can move forward with meeting his needs in the best possible way.

Prayers and blessings everyone. Don't despair if you get news that isn't usually seen as the best. Take it and know that with that knowledge you can do what is best and turn it around for the better. I know, that's so glass is half full all we need is love hippy stuff, but I honestly believe that.

All pictures are copyrighted by JD Rhodes Photography in the year of 2010. Please don't take them or use them for anything. That's just not a nice thing to do and you could get in some big trouble for it. Thanks.

Pink Frog Dress

2010-08-25T23:42:00.002-04:00

I made this dress for Jayden and she wanted her pics taken while wearing it. As I'm rather proud of the work I've done on it and I think she looks absolutely FAB-U-LOUS I willingly oblidged.

I don't really know why, but I like this picture. Jason would be able to say lots of fancy camera terms, but to me, it's just visually appealing and it's not even like she has a big grin. Of coarse, Jayden really isn't a big grin kind of kind. She's always been a bit more on the serious side. She's either serious or goofy it seems.

Thankfully our yard out front provides a decent backdrop for photos, it doesn't require a special trip to the park or anything like that.

I like profile shots like this. I think it allows you to see some other aspects of the personality of the person than what you usually get from a direct on shot.

Jayden loves to make faces at the camera, the way that I do too. It's like it's own magnetism of some sort. We see a camera and we either try hard to ignore it or we pull a face.

I have the fabric cut out for another dress of the same pattern. That one is much different in color. It's got a classic blue rose theme going. I'm hoping I'll get to it soon, but I was thinking of making something cute for Abbey first.

Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope that you have a wonderful day. As a side note, all photos are property of JD Rhodes Photography. Please don't take them without permission. That violates some serious laws, not to mention that is just mean.

Laying It All Out There.

2010-08-23T23:58:00.004-04:00

Lately it has come to my attention that I am not at all well liked or received by members of my family, be they by birth or marriage. There has been a lot of critique about how I do things around my house, the choices I've made regarding my children's education, whether I work outside the home, how I spend the money we do have, and other assorted things along that same path. So I've decided to lay it all out there for ya. After all, no one can really know anything until you know the full story, right?

Let me start off with my schedule for this week. Keep in mind that Jason works full time 3rd shift. So that means he has to sleep at some point during the day. We have it set up that he goes to bed between 1 and 2 in the afternoon on the days he works. On the days he has off, that can be pushed back to 4 or 5 if absolutely necessary. He gets about as much sleep a day as I do, which is between 6 and 7 hours. However he has to do it while the kids are at home. He's not a heavy sleeper like I am so it can get a bit wearing. On his nights off, I have him go to bed as soon as he can and then he sleeps through the night until I go to bed around 1 in the morning. He deserves it.

This week I had Monday free, which was nice, but rather unusual. Honestly, the only day a week I get free is Sunday, and on occasions it's Saturday. Though if James gets the scholarship for the art class he wants to take, there goes Saturday mornings. Oh wait, Jason goes to donate plasma twice a week, Wed and Sat mornings. He does that to help bridge the gap with his income STILL being $1.20 less than what he was making before he was laid off almost 2 years ago. The only way he was able to get full time was to go to 3rd shift, which also meant an immediate $1 extra an hour for shift premium, or the gap would be more like $2.20 an hour. While 3rd shift sucks, it made financial sense for our family to do it that way.

This week I have nothing on Tuesday morning until 11:30 which is Jayden's tutoring. Because of the severity of her phonological disorder, she needs a specialized tutor. We get a reduced rate for her tutoring, however it still costs us $30 a week out of pocket. When dealing with a budget as tight as ours is, $30 is a lot of money. We are lucky if we get child support from my ex each week to help cover that. Tuesday afternoon James has therapy at 3. Jason has Tuesday off so after James' therapy, he'll go to bed. I may ask him to stay awake long enough for me to cook him fried chicken (something he and I have been craving) before sending him off to bed for the night until 1 or 2 in the morning (at the earliest). Keep in mind I need to drive to both of these appointments and they both last for an hour and I can not take any of the other kids with me.

In the middle of the 2 appointments we have Bette, who is a parent aide and comes once a week, at 1:30. She'll be here for an hour. She frequently spends her hour here with one on one time playing with Izzy so that I can take that time to do some housework in a different room.

On Wednesday morning at 10 we have a developmental eval for the twins. It is taking place here at home. Because of the special needs of the others, it was highly recommended that we do this, so we are, just to set minds at ease all around. Jayden again has tutoring at 11:30. Because I think the eval and the tutoring will overlap a little, I believe that Jason will have to finish up the eval while I take Jayden to tutoring. Jason will go to donate around 8:30 or 9 in the morning so he can be home in time for me to leave to take Jayden where she needs to be.

On Thursday morning Izzy has the first part of his eval done. I have to take him to the school to do it. It will easily take 2-3 hours. There will be a couple of follow up visits to the house within the next couple of weeks to watch him in his home environment. Then it will take at least a couple more weeks (if not longer) to put it all together and come to a final conclusion and diagnosis. Jason works Thursday night and will head to bed as soon as I get home from that. Usually Thursday mornings are spent at OT with Jayden and Izzy, but it was cancelled because of the eval this week. Next week we'll go back to OT for the two of them at 10, which lasts for an hour.

At noon on Friday Jayden has therapy. As part of her diagnosis it was found that she has quite a bit of depression going on. I also wanted her to work with someone who has experience with working with siblings of kids who are on the autism spectrum, as we know James is and believe Izzy to be. Therapy will last for an hour and again, I have to drive her there and can't bring any of the other kids with me. Jason works Friday night and will go to bed as soon as I get home.

On the nights that Jason works, I wake him up between 7 and 8 so he can get up and take a shower and have some dinner and spend some time with us as a family before he leaves for work shortly after 9. He gets to work about 30-40 minutes early, but he has said that it gives him time to get in to the "work frame of mind". I can appreciate that.

James will be starting OT of his own. The OT that we use is getting the authorization from the kids' insurance so they can set up his first appointment. She has a group in mind for him to come with and hopefully that time will work with our already busy schedule.

James' sensory stuff has been very out of whack lately. He isn't sleeping well, he's overly and very easily annoyed with common every day things. He finds Jayden to be extremely annoying and regularly tells her to "shut the fuck up" and that he will "kill her if she doesn't shut up already". Each time he tells Jayden to be quiet or to shut up, he loses a day of video game time. He is still expected to do his chores, however there is no reward for the day. Jayden processes by talking her way through it and it isn't fair to her to expect her to be quiet for the sake of James. Unfortunately, he will have plenty of times in his life where the stimuli around him will annoy him and he needs to learn to cope. Learning to cope with his little sister talking seems like a good place to start. OT will hopefully help him figure that out.

Are you tired yet looking at my schedule for the week? In what I see as an ironic twist, this week is relatively calm. Next week has even more in it, and the kids' therapies haven't been scheduled yet. Add in a med check with the psychologist, therapy for me, and the unscheduled as of yet therapy for the kids and it's just chock full. Throw in the occasional check up for one of the kids with their regular ped or a doc check up for me and it's almost insane.

Are you looking at it and wondering when I get a chance to run errands? I fit what I can in when I am already out for appointments for the kids. If I need to bring a kid that isn't the appointment, like needing someone to try on shoes or clothes or get glasses fit, I make a trip home and trade out kids. I try to set aside a morning to go grocery shopping on my own. I have Jason pick up things while he's at work already, like milk and bread and dish and laundry soaps.

Our afternoons are spent mostly at home. That doesn't mean we sit around and do nothing, sadly that is far from the truth. We have 2 case managers that come at least once a month. There is also the weekly parent aide. We are looking in to being able to get a cleaning aide to come 2-3 times a week to help me keep up on the housework. I know that our aides will increase once Izzy is in the specialized program.

What? I need help with the housework? Don't I have ALL afternoon to dedicate to that? Yes, and no. With the way the house is laid out, doing any work in the kitchen is very disturbing to Jason, who is trying to sleep in the very room attached to the kitchen, so dishes are out. It's why I wake him BEFORE I start cooking dinner each night. I don't usually cook during the day. That doesn't mean that the kids don't eat, it just means I'm not making hot meals for them. The older ones know how to use the microwave and are allowed in the kitchen one at a time to make their meals. The one at a time rule keeps arguments and the noise level down. Did I mention that Jason usually sleeps with ear plugs in?

Jack and Abbey still, thankfully, nap in the middle of the afternoon. While they do that, I have the kids help me pick up the living and dining rooms. Sadly, almost as soon as it is cleaned up, Izzy comes along and takes things back out and throws them all over. It's not unheard of for him to take things from downstairs and throw them around upstairs or vice versa. Izzy has no real concept of "play" and how to interact with things. He also has no patience to sit there to learn. I can take some time in the afternoon to work with him, but it's not enough unfortunately. It's another reason why I feel a specialized program is the right fit for him.

Oh, and Izzy is almost completely non-verbal. Meaning he has about 3 words he says, but only when he REALLY wants them. His signs that he knows are mostly used only after prompting. A lot of his time is spent crying and throwing tantrums because he simply can't make himself understood or he wants to do things that we stop him from doing, like taking all of the books off of the shelves or throwing things out the window. We had to box up all of the DVD's and get them out of the living room because he would constantly throw them around the downstairs. It seems that the more noise it makes while he does it, the more he enjoys it. He loves to throw his rescue heros across the dining room table simply because they are hard plastic and it's a wood table. It's things like this that also keep Jason from sleeping well.

Jack and Abbey are now at the age where they are not happy being contained in their pack n play or crib. They don't spend a majority of their day sleeping. They want to be out crawling and walking (which Jack is getting better at every day) around. We block off the doorway to the front hallway and the doorway that leads to the back part of the house and let them have free range roam over the living and dining rooms. This requires direct supervision by me. It means I can't be off cleaning the office or using the computer (even to do ChaCha which earns us some extra money) or in the kitchen cleaning or even taking laundry to the basement. It requires that we keep the living and dining room floors very picked up and clean. They have started climbing and have discovered how to get to the books on the shelf and love to take them out and throw them around. Climbing on the tuner and changing it from what is on is fun for them because it gets a reaction out of everyone in the room. We already have the windows usually closed because of Izzy, but with them crawling around also means that fans are not going. Unless we have the individual a/c units in the windows (and it's getting too chilly to do that) it is very stifling in these rooms because of the lack of air flow.

Aside from Jayden's tutoring and the shows that I have the kids watch on Netflix, we aren't doing any schooling right now. The shows they watch are History Channel specials and things like Mythbusters and Extreme Engineering. Jayden has taken a liking to Sid the Science Kid and the one with the reading team kids, I can't think of the name. We will start "normal" schooling once Izzy starts school. With him gone for a good chunk of the day, we'll be able to spend our afternoons with fewer distractions and interruptions from the work at hand. I'm already working out history and geography lessons, how I want to teach them both so it's at their individual level and yet doing the teaching at the same time. I've started prepping James so he knows that part of his reading time will be spent either reading to Jayden, or having her work on reading to him. I'm developing the best way to teach spelling and handwriting without it being a fight. I know James' focus in math this year will be multiplication, division, and fractions. Jayden will work on addition and subtraction. I want to use life lessons that teach science and math and reading, but I also want to do specific science experiments and work on the scientific process. I think we'll focus on natural science, but also touch on chemical science with chemical reactions like Mentos and Diet Coke. This will be the first year that James will be expected to complete a book report. They will both be working on their creative writing skills. They are anxious to learn and to a point, I'm going to let them lead the way. I'll offer the topics and see where they can go with it.

Izzy really likes Blues Clues and has learned to say clue. He interacts with the program. I am uncomfortable having the t.v. on all of the time. Unfortunately, Izzy has gotten destructive to the point that if we don't keep him directly occupied with either a movie or t.v show he really likes or direct interaction with an adult, he "entertains" himself by tossing, throwing, and destroying anything he can get his hands on. This especially includes throwing things at the twins and he has a pretty accurate aim.

Because of the things that have been said, it has greatly affected how Jason and I are planning to spend our holidays. Things that we would normally do, like host Thanksgiving dinner, just are not going to happen this year. Jason will probably have to work that night and I'll probably go to my mom's. At least at her place, while she may not understand the why's and how's of everything we do, she is always supportive and caring. She and I may have our differences, but I know that when it boils down to it my mom is ALWAYS there and it's NEVER conditional, even if she doesn't like who I'm married to, and I know that first hand from my previous marriage.

Our lives may not be ideal by anyone's standards. They may not fit the mold that was set out in front of us as to how it's "supposed" to go, but it is OUR life. We are doing the absolute best that we can with what we are handed on a daily basis. It would seem that would be the best that you could hope for, but it seems to not be enough. I guess the part that pisses me off the most is the fact that it upsets me that so many negative things have been said about me and it actually does bother me. It reinforces the faults that I already see within myself and the people doing the saying have no first hand knowledge of what it's like to be here, where Jason and I are, living our lives on a day to day basis.

I think I have covered it all from A-Z. I am certain I've stirred a pot, but honestly, it's beyond the point of making a difference any more.

Prayers and blessings everyone, even to those that don't like me.

What makes it worth it?

2010-07-05T21:37:00.003-04:00

This is one of those rambling posts where I contemplate the meaning of the universe. Actually, I just contemplate life and the circumstances right now.

I think I'll pepper this post with pictures of the things that I think make worth it. Just as a reminder for all those readers *ahem, my husband* who need a little shove.

Things are difficult right now. They are everywhere. It always seems, that while you are in it, it is most difficult for yourself. That self perception really can get in the way of the whole picture.

Things are hard. We live in Michigan. Jason has a full time job, thank the gods, however it pays $1.30 less than what he was making when he was laid off. Apparently, to one credit card company (Citi Bank of all people, didn't my taxes bail those jerks out?) the $2500 we owe them is worth garnishing 20% of Jason's pay. That takes a nice chunk every 2 weeks out. Admittedly that debt will be paid off in December, however it makes for interesting times now.

Me working outside the home isn't an option. We've talked it up and sideways and back and forth. Jason needs to sleep at some point. We can't afford the daycare for 5 kids for the summer months. Let's not even get started about the school year and even contemplating placing the kids in "regular" school, aside from the fact that it has been reinforced by doctors, therapists, psychologists/phychiatrists that homeschooling is in fact the best thing for them.

Where would I get a job that would let me leave multiple times a week for various appointments? Not to mention the phone calls each week to come pick up James because he "won't behave". I'm trying to do stuff at home. ChaCha. EBay. I found this search engine called SwagBucks. You earn points (bucks) and can cash them in for gift cards and payments to PayPal and the like. I figure it's a way to at least earn some money toward Christmas.

All of this is to simply say we are trying. Trying our hardest to make ends meet in a very difficult time. It's not just a difficult time for us, however it kind of feels like it.

We keep getting told that our kids are worse than we thought possible. We got a dx for Jayden. her IQ is 78. Average is 90-110. She couldn't even get in to a regular school in Forrest Gump's system (his IQ was 75) unless I did the principal the way his momma did. I don't think Jason would appreciate that too much, do you? She is always going to struggle to understand spoken and written language. Or maybe it's that she is born to speak a different language, one we don't know of yet? I was told that even the worksheets I've been having her work on are probably too much for her and we need to go even more relaxed in her schooling. That came from the psychologist that did her testing.

Izzy most likely is autistic. He's trying to speak more now that he's in OT. His words aren't any clearer. He says the middle of the words, the softest parts, the parts that require the least use of his tongue. He is gibbering away all the time now. It doesn't make any sense to the rest of us, but at least he's trying. Hopefully we'll be able to get him in to a special autism program in the fall.

My ped told me that our 2nd income should be from SSI for the kids. She also does not see how I could work outside the home. The hard part is convincing the SSI people that there is a need for them. That the difficulties I see every day are severe enough to impact them as adults. When you meet Izzy, it's obvious there is something going on with him, but not with James and Jayden. You really have to get to know them to pick up on it. That normality is deceiving and can be the downfall for the SSI. How do I explain to them what is going on? I have to pick up that defeatest attitude that my husband has been carrying around and portray it to the SSI Determination Board. It goes against so much that I see in the kids, but I understand it needs to be done. Apparently, I need to try harder. We've tried twice with James and have been told both times he isn't "severe enough". Jayden is the next one I'm trying for. Then Izzy. Then James again. I'd like to hire a lawyer to do it. But I think I need to be in the appeals part of it first.

Well, I suppose that is all for tonight. We have a therapist/family aid/case manager/someone coming tomorrow. There is someone coming at least 2-3 times a week for various things. There are that many appointments as well each week that I take the kids to. So I have to go pick up the living room now, so that it will stay picked up (hopefully) until she gets here at 10. I am hoping that if Izzy watches a movie or two first thing he'll keep his destructive mess making tendencies in check. Here's hoping at least.

Prayers and blessings everyone. Remember, that while you are in it, it seems like it is the worst possible thing and that no one is going through it, or has ever gone through it, nearly as badly as you are. Take yourself out of the perception and you'll see it really could be so much worse.

I wanted to add the footnote that all photo credit goes to JD Rhodes Photography. All rights reserved. Copyrighted 2010 and all of that. Please don't use my photos (as I am one of the JD Rhodes) unless you have permission. Thanks.

Wow.

2010-06-05T00:20:00.002-04:00

It's been forever since I posted and I've really been slacking off with only 1 or 2 posts a month. I didn't post anything at all in March, what was that about!?! So I'm going to update with a bunch of pics. I'm not going to back track their dates. I usually do, but this time I'm not going to. I'll try to include when they were taken in the post, but it will be current so that what pops up will be the most recent stuff and no one will have to go looking for old pics.

July is going to be a busy month around here. James and Jayden are each taking a class once a week. James will be taking an art class for an hour and a half on Friday evenings and Saturday mornings Jayden will be taking a cheerleading class. I am also trying to get her in to a reading clinic at Western. The tuition fee for it is somewhat expensive. I figure if nothing else, Jason and I will "donate" our birthday money to it. Gotta do what needs to be done, right?

I should be getting the results of Jayden's eval shortly. Jason has to go in on Wednesday and do his part of the question/answer game and then we'll have them. I am pretty sure that I'll be told that she has severe dyslexia, which I know already. That is what the reading clinic is for. To give us some help and ideas on how to approach reading with her differently. I've been doing some reading and I have found out that for some dyslexic kids, they don't learn to read until they are teenagers. I hope that it doesn't take that long for Jayden, however I now know a better way to help her with her school work. We'll keep on working on the basic reading skills as well as sight words, and I'll help her with her other stuff by doing the reading aloud for her. I'll also be having James do some reading to her.

I have an appointment next Friday, the 11th, for Izzy to begin the process of an evaluation to see if he qualifies for the Croyden Autism Program. We are hoping that he does. It's a 5 day a week, full school day, all year program. We are hoping that if he can do that for ages 4 and 5, then by the time he is ready to start Kindergarten, we can homeschool him. We are hoping that the day to day therapies will be enough to get him signing/talking consistently as well as get him to sit still and be able to focus on a task for a short period of time.

We have switched agencies so we are getting settled in with a new case manager. We have to have a case manager in order for James to continue seeing Dr. O with Community Mental Health. Dr. O is a psychiatrist and is the one that handles the meds for James. We are trying to get James in to a program that does a mentoring thing. He'd go with the trained therapist 2-3 days a week for about 3 hours on average. They'd go do social things. It'd be a way for James to work on those social things he has such difficulty with in a setting where I wasn't right there to directly and immediately monitor and correct him. Which is something that he is going to need to learn to do.

I tried my meds at a double dose today. The twice a day dose is what is "usually" prescribed. I see the doc on the 8th for a follow up and I like to know what kind of effects I'm looking at before I ask for med increases. I do this for James usually, but it works great for me as well. The difference is ASTOUNDING. I actually had energy. I wasn't put off by the enormity of my tasks. I just hunkered down and worked on it. I got the girls' room almost completely cleaned and reorganized. Tomorrow I'm going to finish that room and then work on the boys' room, the stairs, and the landing area at the top of the stairs. On Sunday it will be the playroom and I see that easily carrying over in to Monday.

Jason has the weekend off so I'm hoping that once I get the boys' room cleaned, he can go in and paint it. We've had the paint sitting in the basement for quite some time, it's just been waiting for the right moment. I also have a wallpaper border to put up in there as well. I want to try to find all the stamps that I was using for the girls' walls and get back to finishing that. I have curtains to make for all of the rooms as well. It seems like a lot, but I know if I just take it one day at a time and focus on the task of the moment it will all come together.

I have been reading the Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover. I've just started it. It is making sense, especially the part about the person in the mirror. I'm going to talk with Deb on Monday about some of that to see what she suggests. Having grown up without a lot of direction about money, personal finance, budgeting, prioritizing, and personal responsibility I am a bit lost in this at times. I know that Jason and I have it worked out that I handle the bills and I'm just trying to make sure that things get done. I want to make sure they are getting done better however, so we can actually start making progress toward our ultimate goals. I've been talking with Jason about what I've been reading. One thing I have noticed is that some of his suggestions are out of context for a larger family on a smaller income. The concepts are sound so we'll see what we can do with what we have.

I have energy to "work" now, which is amazing. I am still doing ChaCha but I am making a more concentrated effort on doing it. I'm also listing things on eBay. I'm starting with my maternity clothes. They are in good condition and I know I'm never going to need them again so they are just taking up space. It's also hard to find affordable plus sized maternity clothes. They don't exist but for a very few stores, and then they are rather expensive, especially considering they are meant for a short period of wearing.

James is gone with Linda for 2 weeks. He left this past Wednesday morning. Jayden will be going for 2 weeks in August. Katy will be spending about 1/2 of her summer with us, a fact that she isn't too pleased about. That is because she would rather spend the time with her friends. Thankfully Jenn and I are in agreement that family trumps friends. This also is kind of "make up" for the school year when she has commitments and that kind of thing that allow us to see her about once a month. We'd love for it to be more often but the 1 1/2 hour drive one way is also a bit inhibitive.

Well, I think that is all for now. I'll be back in the next day or so to post some pics. I'm hoping to make daily blogging a habit again. I'll be updating The Journey blog after my appt on Tuesday, or even Monday after I have therapy. Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

This Other Blog That I Do

2010-05-02T11:59:00.003-04:00

Technically, there is more than one. I have one set up for James to talk about video games. I am hoping it helps his grammar and spelling and basic english skills. I'm also hoping it helps him get the video game rants out a bit in a format where there are others to "listen" to them.

Then there is the business blog. I'm just getting started with that.

Finally there is the Journey blog. That is the one I was referring to in the title. I realize I've been very lax in posting to this blog. For the year so far there have been less than 10 posts and here it is, the 5th month already. Wow. Honestly, it's been too much "effort". Though honestly, that doesn't make any sense. After all, it's just typing and clicking and that's it. So I'm working on doing it more. All around.

This other blog is my food journal exercise log health rant blog. I needed somewhere I could put it all down in one place. Somewhere that the focus was my health and what and how I'm dealing with it. I want this blog to be about family and my relationships with them. Showing off pictures of the kids and that kind of thing. I don't want the health thing to distract from that.

My goal for the month of May is to post 4-5 times a week on this and the health blog. I would love to post frequently on the business blog, but if I don't have business, then I can't do that. My hope for posting that frequently is that I can sit down and really look at what I'm doing, where I'm going, and where I want to be. Be prepared for a lot of mind numbing posts like "I did 4 loads of laundry and washed 3 racks of dishes today. I knitted for a while. The kids and I went for a walk." Those are the kinds of things that I want to keep track of.

I want to start having recipes on both blogs, food pics too. The ones here will be more family focused. The ones there will be ones that I'm trying as a way to be healthier. They will overlap I'm sure.

The kids are doing all right. Jack is crawling and pulling himself up. He'll be walking before he turns a year old, I can guarentee that. As it is, he walks along the furniture so it's just a matter of time before he lets go. He'll be my earliest walker. Abbey is pulling herself up to her knees and rocking back and forth. She'll be crawling by the end of the month I think. Up to now it seems like she hasn't felt the need to be moving, but something has struck up the nerve in her to do it. They have a check up on Monday so we'll see how they are doing weight and height wise. It's a shot free appt, so that will be nice.

Izzy still isn't speaking. We are working on trying to teach him sign. I've talked to his ped about a lot of things going on with him. We both feel he may be on the Autism Spectrum, though most likely, not very severely. It seems that his language abilities are the most severe of his issues. A lot of his behavior problems directly relate to his inability to effectively communicate his wants and needs. I'm calling to try to get him in to a speech and language clinic at WMU.

I went to an Autism Conference not long ago. I learned some things and it was a nice afternoon. I met a woman, I believe her name was Ashley, from an organization here in town called Parent to Parent. They are all parents of children with special needs. Parent mentors and resource ideas and all of that. I'm looking at being connected with possibly another parent who had a child with a severe speech issue similar to Issac's. I'm also going to do the training to be a parent mentor because of my experiences with James, Jayden, and Izzy. It was suggested to me to try to get Izzy in to a music program of some sort.

This has been something that I've been working with James and Jayden on already. Music theory. I am going to keep doing that and try to expand it to include Izzy. I am now in search of beginning piano books for them. I'm not sure what will work best, and odds are it may end up being different for each of them, but we'll see how it goes. I have the keyboard and the music knowledge myself.

We are applying for a Y-Grant. It will help us get a reduced fee to join the YMCA where the kids can take classes. We are thinking swim for James and dance for Jayden. This summer James will be taking an art class and Jayden will be doing cheerleading through our local parks dept. I am also trying to get Jayden in to a summer reading clinic. I am hoping they can help her break through her barrier and make sense of the letters and how they form in to words.

We are in the final stages of an evaluation for Jayden. I asked that it be done so that we could discover if the suspected dyslexia is actual. I wanted to know if there were any other things going on that could inhibit her learning. I don't think that we will get a diagnosis like Autism or anything like that. With James' eval, Asperger's was the anticipated result. With Izzy, mild Autism/PDD-NOS is the anticipated result. With Jayden, severe Dyslexia/AD(H)D is the anticipated result. I just hope that my intuitions regarding my kids stay on par with what I experienced with James and that I'm not totally off base with Jayden and Izzy.

James is growing well. He's constantly wanting to eat. At his age, that doesn't surprise me. I'm glad to see that he is beginning the typical teenage need to eat. I know that pre-teen and teen boys grow quite a bit. I also know that James is hoping this starts to happen naturally, and soon, so that he can stop doing the hormone therapy. His endo has said that is what will happen. Once he hits the typical teen growth James will be able to stop with the growth hormones.

James wears glasses full time now. He has needed them for a while, but convincing him to wear them has been difficult. The way they feel on his face bothers him, understandably so. He picked out a pair that he really likes and I made sure to pay extra for the replacement warrenty. He is now comfortably reading chapter books. He's read Percy Jackson, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, and is working on How to Train Your Dragon. All in the past month. I think we are definately developing a love for reading with him!

This summer for our schooling we will be focusing on reading. We will include a little math and science with that, but it will mostly be reading. The other focus will be social. Working on family interactions. Helping out around the house and outside in the yard. Behavior and attitude. Being a good role model for younger siblings.

One of the things I'm having a difficult time teaching James is being a role model. Because he is such a concrete thinking, he has a hard time understanding how his actions affect others. He also isn't grasping the notion that how he acts toward his brother and sister is how they are going to act toward the ones younger to them. It's very difficult to teach him to think outside of his very small box where he believes that how he acts is in direct relation to how others treat him first. He can't see that he is not actually reacting, but acting first and the others are either reacting to him or mimicing his previous action. It creates a lot of smack my head against the wall moments for me.

Katy has gotten herself in to trouble. For the past few months her grades have really gone down. She has started to alter her perceptions to something much darker and definately unacceptable. She has made herself "mentally ill" in order to fit in more with friends, when in fact there isn't anything wrong. She has a boyfriend that is very consuming of her energy and focus. It's a relationship that is much too, in my opinion, intense for someone who is only 12. She keeps "forgetting" that she is only 12 and really is trying to be much older. This all came to a head a couple of weeks ago. I won't go in to specific detail as to what she did, however it did get her grounded and pulled out of school and homeschooled for the last month of the school year. Jenn felt it was necessary to remove her from the friends and school in order for Katy to refocus on what is really important. This summer when Katy visits, she is going to find out what it really means to be intensely involved in a relationship. The side effects of all of that, of having an "adult" relationship. Instead of lounging about reading all day, she'll be helping me cook and clean and take care of the three youngest kids. This will be all day long.

She had changed her relationship status on facebook, at one point, to married. That is how involved she feels that she is with her boyfriend. I want to show her what being married REALLY is. It's not all fun and games and hanging out together. That's dating. Marriage is responsibility and time consuming. It is about love and respect as well. However a child of 12 (she really is still very much a child) doesn't have the life experience to understand the love and respect part, not really, not completely. She says that she loves her boyfriend, and I'm sure to her that is what it feels like. I remember that kind of love. It is nothing compared to what I have with Jason. I don't want her to get so focused on that feeling that she closes herself off to everything and everyone else that she will experience and meet in the future.

Do I think my lesson will work? I have no idea. I know I'll be talking with her about it, the intensity of her relationship, as well. Trying to explain how it is taking her focus away from her school work and therefore, taking away from her future. Thankfully her boyfriend will be in high school next year, he's a grade above her. While he'll doing school online instead of attending a physical building, my hope is that it will lessen the intensity of the relationship.

Well, I suppose that is enough of a update for right now. That is what has been going on here. Prayers and blessings for everyone.

Starting (Continuing?) a New Business

2010-04-26T14:45:00.002-04:00

Yes, there is some confusion as to whether it's starting or continuing. Jason has a degree in photography that is just sitting there getting dusty. He has been showing me how to use the Adobe Photoshop program. He has also told me that I take really good photos of the kids.

Honestly, Jason isn't super social. He doesn't have a lot of free time to dedicate to photo shoots. A wedding is something that is scheduled months in advance so he can easily make sure he has the needed time for it off of work. However, things like family photo shoots are scheduled, often, a couple of weeks in advance, at most. They also take less time to do.

I really enjoy taking the photos. I love working with the kids and getting them to act naturally. I like working with the natural light, and as Jason has told me it allows for the best photos.

With all of that, we are officially going in to business. At the moment it's very small scale. This summer I will look in to getting a business license and tax ID number as well as registering our business name locally. I know this will mean extra work come tax time. I also know it has the potential for some extra income for us.

If you are my friend on facebook, I've sent you a like/fan request. I've also started a blog. At the moment, I'm uploading photos of different times Jason or I have taken photos of the kids. To act as a portfolio. I'll be ordering some business cards to hand out as well. I know that to begin with we'll be using a lot of family to build the portfolio and get the word out. That is fine. So if you are family (or not) and would like some nice photos done as a portfolio builder for me, give us a call. For the portfolio builder, we are doing no charge. We'll give you a CD/DVD of the pictures that are taken, sized to 8x10 so that they will be good quality printed up to that size and a stack of business cards. Just spread the word when you are asked who did your photos. If you want, we can get photos printed for you for the cost of the printing.

An Editorial I Wrote.

2010-04-04T10:43:00.004-04:00

Yes I know it's been over a month since I posted. I have pics to put up and things like that. However, here's a quick post with a link.

I wrote an editorial to our local paper. There was a case that had been moved to our county from where it had happened about an hour south of here because the judge felt that it wouldn't get a fair jury in it's home jurisdiction. It involved a very horrific death of a young woman, who was 16, and she was homeschooled. She had special needs, the same diagnosis as James in fact. Her parents were the cause of her death, though they didn't set out to kill her, that was a horrible accident. The parents were found guilty of 1st degree Child Neglect and Abuse as well as Torture. Yeah. The young woman's name is referenced in the editorial. If you search her name through Mlive you'll find the articles regarding the hearing if you want to know more.

Because the young woman was homeschooled many many many people came out and said that there need to be tougher homeschool laws because "look at her". In fact, she had been in Public School for many years and the abuse had been reported, however CPS had dropped the ball. I believe the girl's grandmother is now looking in to a civil suit against that agency, which I completely understand. If they had followed through, the young woman would still be alive. It was stated during the trial that the investigators for the state knew of the methods of restraint (torture) and condoned it.

Needless to say, I was angry. It made my blood boil to read about this trial, that this child should have been treated so cruely, that the state passed her over, that people would assume that because she was homeschooled that was the root of the problem.

I don't know if the editorial will be printed in the local paper, right now it's just online. Our local paper has shrunk considerably, as have many/most in the US, so space is limited and I was told there were many editorials ahead of mine waiting to be printed. Here is the link. Let me know what you think.

I Made Butter

2010-02-21T14:42:00.003-05:00

I know, that's make you go "What did she say? Did she REALLY MAKE BUTTER?" Um, yeah, I did. I'm rather proud of it too! I came across a recipe for it via a friend of facebook who directed me to Bella Cantina and this post. I also made the PW Potatoes the other day. And that Apple Dumpling recipe looks so yummy and easy.

Anyway, I made butter. I used the food processor like the directions said. Instead of doing it by hand, I then tossed the butter in to my newly aquired Kitchen Aid Mixer (thank you Income Tax Return!) and worked it that way. After doing all of the washing and letting the mixer work it a bit, I added some honey. It is OH SO GOOD!! Jayden helped with the food processor part.

Considering I have a small processor that only holds 3 cups of solid at a time, I bought it more to help with making puree out of veggies and fruits for baby food, I had to do it three times. Put in the cream, then hold the button for about 5 min until it got to the butter/buttermilk stage. Out of the quart of heavy cream, I'd say I got about a pound of butter (yes a pound!) and close to 2 cups of buttermilk. I have another quart in the fridge so I think that next time I'm going to try the whole thing with the mixer, first with the whisk, and then the mixer beater. I figure if you can use a Kitchen Aid to make merengue you can use it to make butter, and it would save me a few steps considering the bowl is 2 1/2 or 3 quarts, something like that. With the next batch I'm going to do garlic butter.

OK, I know this may seem like a trivial thing to be super geeked about. However, at Thanksgiving, I'm always searching for honey butter and I have such a hard time finding it. So now, I no longer need to search. I can take about 45 minutes and make up some myself! We went through a 9 pack of Thomas' English Muffins this morning enjoying our butter! Next time I do it, I'll take pics to share the process with you all.

I hope you all have a wonderful week and find joy in the trivial things! Prayers and blessings everyone.

Portraits of a Teenager, Part Three

2010-02-18T15:17:00.000-05:00

Here is the final installment of the photo shoot with Katy. She wanted some pics that really showed the color in her hair and I think we almost got that. I handed her my MP3 player. She was curious as to what I had on it. It's why the funny face because some of it she just doesn't like. I told her it was for working out and it had a good beat for that. There was some real face making over my choices of Lady GaGa and Beyonce. Oh well. The last pics she is really smiling and laughing. I told her to imagine James falling down the stairs and it got a great laugh. Siblings are so cruel!

I will have some new pics of Jack and Abbey soon. I am waiting on a pair of pants to be washed up first. They are a bit overdue for their 6 month pics considering they are a week shy of 7 months! Where did the time go? This time last year it was still sinking in that we were going to have twins, we didn't even know for sure (well I knew because of the dreams, but Jason didn't) that they were in fact boy and girl.

Prayers and blessings everyone. Enjoy the kids while they are there for you to cuddle and not complain about it!

Portraits of a Teenager, Part Two

2010-02-17T15:06:00.000-05:00

Here is the second part of the photo session with Katy. These are all just random faces that I had her make at me. Yes, there are red streaks in her hair. Yes, the back of her hair looks rather purplish.

Katy had been wanting to dye her hair black and then get red streaks and purple tips in it. I was very much agains the black. Her natural color is so dark anyway. And being a teenager, though she vehemently denied she would, I knew she would get bored of the look and want to change it, only to find out that dying it that drastic color had made it so the only way to get it out is to bleach it all, or cut it all off. She, of coarse, took this as opposition and decided it needed to be done all the more.

I talked to Jason the night before I went to pick up Katy because I had a "PLAN". I knew Jenn was OK with the color streaks, but not really with the black, though she understood why she wanted to do it. When I got there, I asked when Katy was going to get her hair done. The answer was an I don't know. So I offered Katy, with Jenn right there to say no, if she felt she needed to (she knew I was going to ask, I had mentioned it to her on chat the night before), that if she agreed to not do anything thing black that I would take her the next morning to get the colors put in how she wanted and that I would pay for it. Jenn looked at her and said "I'd take that deal." As you can see, Katy took it.

So here she is once again in all her goofy teenage glory. I hope that you all enjoy the rest of your week. Prayers and blessings.

Portraits of a Teenager, Part One

2010-02-16T14:56:00.002-05:00

While Katy was here for her mid-winter break, I took the advantage of a sunny day and set her up in our "stuido" and got out the camera. I wanted her to be comfortable and not stiffly posed with a half ass fake smile. I pulled out my Game Boy and MP3 player and let her play around with those. I ended up with 36 pics that I REALLY liked. I'm going to seperate them in to 3 different posts of 12 pics a piece. 36 is a lot to scroll through all at once!

We always love having Katy here and it would be great if she could come down more often. I know that as she gets older, the once a month we see her may get even more scarce because of her commitments to other activities. I think that will just have us cherish our time with her even more. Here is the first set of 12 pics. The last pic it looks like she is upset. That's not accurate. I had told her to just start making random faces at me and I am rather certain that she was trying not to laugh at me.

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you enjoy the time you have with your children while they are still there to enjoy.

JackMan 2010

2010-01-24T17:18:00.003-05:00

Here is almost 6 month old JackMan, he's like Batman, but cooler! We really haven't decided on a nickname for Jack. We often call him either JackMan or JackieBoy. Yep, one word, just like that.

Once Abbey's coordinating onesie is clean, I'll be doing 6 month photos of the two of them together. I'm hoping to get them interacting, which they do all the time now. Jack is a rather possesive little dude. Last night he was sitting in the exersaucer and I had Abbey on my knee so she could play too (we have our 2nd exersaucer on order, we wanted 2 different ones and had to resort to ordering it from Babies R Us to be able to accomplish that). Jack was fine playing with the cow, until Abbey was playing with the pig. Then he HAD to have it and pushed her hands away and took it from her. She grabbed his hand and started chewing on it. It seemed like she was saying "Take my toy? I'll eat your hand!"

These pics were all taken in my room using only all natural light. The only editing that has been done to them is that they were cropped and resized to 300 dpi. Jason told me that I seem to always get good pictures of the babies and that I should be a baby photographer. I don't know about that. I think it's easy to take photos of your own babies, it's getting other people's kids to sit there and look at you and not be scared of the weird lady with the black thingy sticking out of her face that is the hard part. I don't have anyone local that I could try out the theory of being able to photograph other people's babies as it is. We all know that it's even more difficult when older kids are involved. I think I'll just stick to my own kids.

The New Year

2010-01-17T13:33:00.002-05:00

Has come and gone and I'm a slacker. Oh wait, I'm NOT a slacker, I've just had a busy "real life" lately. Now that the holidays are gone things might settle down. Though they may not. The twins are 5 1/2 months old which means they are awake more durning the day which means they need and want more during the day which, in turn, means I have less time to do things on the computer.

Anyone have New Year's Resolutions? Have you broken them off yet? I wouldn't say that mine were "resolutions" really. Just goals. I've decided that this is my year to be more actively involved in life. I have 3 Big C's and an E and I think everything stems off of them. Cooking, Cleaning, Crafting, & Exercise. Just to do them more. The Cooking and Exercise makes for a healthier me, and a healthier family. I know that once it gets warmer, I'll drag the family along. As it is, I'm trying to organize a Walking Club with our homeschool group to start up once the temps are more consistently in the 40's, so mid to end of March. I'm also trying to organize a Craft Club, to do twice a month. The big inhibitor in that one is finding a location, though I think we may be able to use a room at one of the library branches.

Jason is being considered for a move to a different department at WalMart. It would be full time and quite possibly 3rd shift. The 3rd shift would be nice simply because it would mean an extra $1 an hour. He keeps getting talked to about it, but it hasn't happened yet. He keeps mentioning it to let "The Powers That Be" know that he is still interested. We are hoping that that takes place soon.

I have pictures from Christmas to post. And some that I did of Abbey. And some of Jack. It just seems like I've been out of it for quite some time now and I'm trying to find the swing of things again.

In my crafting goal, I finished a hat I was knitting for Abbey. It's made out of Pink Fun Fur. It's a little on the big side, and very stretchy, but very cute. So I'll leave you with the pics of her for right now. Enjoy. Prayers and blessings and I hope you all are getting back in to the swing as well.

Holy Toledo Batman, It's December!

2009-12-07T03:59:00.003-05:00

Where did the year go? Seriously, it was this time last year when we found out we were pregnant. Jason had just been laid off and the blessing of the pregnancy was lost in the worry over finacnes and the holidays and the worry of another miscarriage and all of that. Now, we have 2 gorgeous babies to share the holiday with. The money worries are still there. Jason is working again, but for less money and less hours and my child support was cut in 1/2 because my ex lost his job too. We're making it through with help from family and friends and by continuing to believe that tomorrow is always worth going through what today has given us.

This past year has taught me something about pride and thankfulness. About swallowing pride and accepting the help and love that others want to give you when they see that you need it. Humans are a community animal. We need and thrive with others around. It stands to reason that we have it built in to us to offer help and hope and caring when we see that those around us are in need of it. Pride tends to make us say no to those offers. "Oh, we're fine, we don't need that" when in fact we do. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is simply say "Thank you, I appreciate that, it really does help."

The twins have taught me so much about accepting help. I'll be the first to admit that I simply can not care for 2 young babies by myself. Very often they will both need something at the same time and I'm only one person. Or I'll be busy taking care of Izzy or working with one of the other kids and one or both babies will need something. I will say I'm glad that the twins were our grand finale and not the 1st act. I think it makes it less intimidating. If I were not willing to accept help, I'd honestly never sleep. I'm not sure when I would eat or use the bathroom either. And the older kids would run the streets for lack of supervision and parenting.

I have a lot of pics to post that were taken toward the end of November. I got in to a bit of a depressive funk and I just didn't do much of anything than goof off on facebook or one of the message boards I belong too. I was also trying to spend less time on the computer. All the reminders of Christmas and how we just wouldn't be able to do anything for the kids were just too hurtful. Hurtful to that pride. To my sense of responsibility.

Jason figured out how to have Christmas for the kids AND be able to pay the bills and to those helping us with that, thank you. I don't know when we'll be able to repay you, but I want you to know it is appreciated. I told everyone in my family back in October that if it can't be made at home, it's not being a gift this year. I'm sticking to that statement. We have a lot of stuff around here that can be made in to some really great gifts. Homeschool for the next couple of weeks will be focusing on that.

With this being a predominantly Christian holiday I struggle to find the meaning for myself in all of it. For us, it's not the celebration of a past religious leader. Unfortunately, I alson don't know what it IS. Many people have suggested finding the "reason for the season". I want to share with my children the reason. For it to have more meaning than just going and "being beggars" to our family members as I so crudely put it a couple of weeks ago (in a conversation with Jason). I want to discover why it is that WE give gifts to the children. What makes it special for us.

I don't want the kids to grow up as godless heathens with no belief system. The belief system is part of the conscience. After all, it's part of the right/wrong thinking. This country (being the United States) was founded on the Christian belief system. I find many of the teachings are good and sound. Those also happen to be the teachings that overlap with other religions. My difficulties have always come about when it means excluding others because of differences, however that is another post for a different day.

I believe in a higher power. Not specifically male or female, but I think both. I don't think just male or female alone can create equality, it needs to be both, and not necessarily in the same "being". I believe that you accept others for who they are, no matter how different it is from yourself. Differences can be good, but should also be looked at as positives, not negatives. My prejudices are close mindedness and self induced stupidity. You can be anyone from anywhere having lived any life to posess those qualities. I will admit to having the standard "American" pull yourself up by your bootstraps mentality. I firmly believe that if you want to do it, you CAN do it.

How does all of that convey in to a season that is presented as one of greed and self centeredness? Why do I have a sense of guilt for not being able to provide presents for under our tree what I believe doesn't even follow those same lines? How can I teach my children the meaning of the season, the magic of it all, when I just don't see it myself? My children know there is no Santa. They've always known that. I've never carried out that myth. The same with the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. I don't remember believing in those as a child. I don't remember them as magical and fun filled.

I do know my mom arranged to have our presents put under our tree while we were snowed in 2 hours south at my Grandpa's house. To this day, she STILL won't tell us how she did it. I was about 6 when she did it. She left a note under Grandpa's tree, in her handwriting (I knew it was her's, she tried to pass it off as "Mrs. Claus" writes all of Santa's notes) that our gifts were waiting, and they were. Every way that I've guessed that she could have done it she denies. Is that the magic? I think of it more like a riddle or a puzzle needing to be solved.

I understand why people have faith when times are difficult. It helps to have the belief that somehow you will get through. That the prayer will bring you the answer. I think all of that, but I don't credit it to a higher power. The credit is for those who are doing the living, not those who do the observing. I am the one waking each day and making the best of the day that I can. Some days are more trying than others for various reasons, but at the end of it, when I go to bed, I know I tried my best with what I was dealt. I'm always thankful for another chance to do it again.

So is there a point to this long ramble? I suppose so. It's to say thank you to all of you who have helped us in the past year especially, and continue to do so. It's to say that accepting help is a hard pill to swallow because pride gets in the way. It's to say I need to find a reason for the season so that I have some kind of belief to give to my children. I think they need the direction as much as I do.

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I'm hoping that you all have your reasons for the season and are able to swallow the help pill without pride choking you up.

Entered a Contest

2009-11-17T01:37:00.003-05:00

I entered a contest that a mom from a large family board (Lots of Kids, look in the sidebar over -> ) and I said I'd post a link to it here. So here it is, from me to her. Blessed with Seven

Have a great rest of the week everyone. I have some pics of James coming up and the ones of the babies in their costumes that I still need to edit.

Stat Counter and Back Dated Posts

2009-11-12T01:08:00.003-05:00

I'd like to start using a more specific stat counter. Right now I have SiteMeter which tells me how many people come here weekly, and breaks it down by day and hour. However, I'd like to have one that tells me HOW the people came here. I've tried googling it (just think, 10 years ago, googling definately was NOT the verb that it is now) and I wasn't having much luck. Can any of you, faithful readers, tell me which way to go?

Also, I've added some backdated posts for the month of October. They all include pics, so you may want to go a searching! You can just click "October" over on the sidebar menu that has my blog history and they will all pop up for you. There are quite a few pics so give it a moment to load correctly.

I was wondering something. I recently got a personalize font from Sugar Frog Fonts and I was thinking about how cool it would be to have that as my default font for my blog. So I'm wondering if anyone out there knows if I can do that? And if I can, how do I do that?

Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope you have a wonderful day!

Update on Jason's Dream

2009-11-11T03:06:00.001-05:00

Today, it's been bugging me, so I asked Jason what the zombies were using to pay for their brains with. Without a beat he says "Credit cards."

" You didn't even have to think about that."

"Nope. Zombies aren't any good with cash. Well, they aren't any good with credit cards either, they keep swiping them the wrong way." Jason then shows me how the zombies kept swiping the cards the wrong way and grunting in frustration.

"Huh. You are SO strange."

"Yep, and you married me."

Enjoy your day everyone. I have new pics of the babies, some candids of James and Izzy, and some great posed fall shots of Jayden to edit and post in the next week.

Jayden

2009-11-11T01:47:00.000-05:00

I bought Jayden a new outfit. She was so anxious to wear it that she put it on as soon as I got home. Jason had the day off and it was a gorgeous warm fall day that I had him take the camera out and get some shots of Jayden. She was more than willing to play along. After all, she got attention from Daddy all by herself AND she got to have her picture taken!

Being my daughter, she found herself very funny and getting a serious or simple smile from her is not an easy thing. Jason took a couple of hundred pics, and no I'm not kidding, and these 16 are definately the cream of the crop. I will admit that it was difficult to narrow it down to these.

The backdrop is our back yard. Instead of raking all of our leaves to the curb to be taken away we are piling them all over the yard where we want them to mulch down. This is a big pile of them in the back corner of the yard. Jason had her standing to begin with. When I went out to check on the progress, I had Jayden sit down. To begin with she just wanted to lay in the leaves. By tossing them at her we got her to loosen up a bit and be more animated, though she was rather concerned about her earrings.

Enjoy Jayden and all her silly and pretty glory. As she gets older I can see that she will indeed be a looker and I'm going to have my hands full with a child who is so, well, so much me.

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you all have had some decent fall weather before the winter hits.

Jason's Halloween Dream

2009-11-09T00:46:00.002-05:00

I'm still laughing so hard from this, so I had to share.

Let me set up the scenario. Jason is home from work. I'm laying on our bed, trying SO hard to read (currently reading "Julie and Julia") and relax. Jason is trying to organize dishes so he can wash them. However, he keeps coming in to the room and talking to me. Our bedroom is directly off of the kitchen. It's an old house and the way the rooms are set up really doesn't make much sense in a "modern" way of thinking.

Keep in mind, I love that we can talk, especially after all the kids are in bed. We haven't had much time lately to do that. I have a headache from Izzy dumping out a 1/3 of a bottle of rubbing alcohol on the carpet. The only way to clean that stuff up is to just let it evaporate. The kids have been rather "trying" today. I'm tired and sleep deprived. My sleep schedule is still really screwed up because even though the babies are now sleeping in 8 hour blocks at night, I'm still stuck on the awake all night thing.

So here Jason is, interupting my relaxing reading. I've read the same line, not even the same paragraph, the same line 4 times. Jason walks in again and says "Did I tell you about my zombie dream?" This is an unusual statement for a couple of reasons. Aside from the obvious one of it being a dream about zombies, it's a dream that Jason actually remembers. He knows he must dream, because everyone does, but he very rarely remembers what he dreamt.

"I'm afraid to ask, but no, you didn't. Zombies, really?"

"Yeah, zombies. In the dream, it was the night before Halloween and I was watching President Obama on the news. It was a big splay up on Yahoo. He was telling everyone to stay home and lock the doors and board up windows and do all that usual zombie preparedness stuff."

I interupt him and say "Why do they always tell you to stay home and lock the house down? The zombies always break in to the houses."

"Yeah, I know. Anyway, THEN some Wal-Mart guy comes on and says that they are so dedicated to their customers that they are going to stay open! So I have to go in to work"

"That doesn't surprise me ONE bit."

"Nope, me neither. I go in and by some miracle, Wal-Mart as secured a shipment of brains because that is what the zombies keep saying they are after. Now these aren't fresh brains, but brains in a can, like a spam can. It has a picture of a brain on it and says "BRAINS" across the side. And they are all expired. So I'm helping unload this truck at work full of brains."

"Wal-Mart got brains?"

"Yeah. So we set up this huge display of brains. And here come the zombies. They are all saying "Brrraaaaiiinssss" and just keep coming". While Jason is telling me about what the zombies are saying, he's walking in a little circle showing me how the zombies are stiffly walking in to Wal-Mart. "One zombie has a gimp leg and gets on the Amigo and uses that while driving it around saying "Brrraaaiiinnssss". He smashes in to a display and things go falling everywhere!"

"He gets on the cart?"

"Yep. One zombie comes up to me and grabs me by the shirt and breathes right in my face "BRRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNSSSSS" and I say "Oh yes sir, we have those right over here" and I start walking over to the big display of the brains with the zombie following right behind."

"Huh"

"So then the zombies are trying to use the self check out, and THAT didn't go well AT ALL. They just couldn't get it to work right."

"Um, so not only did Wal-Mart get a magic shipment of brains, and the zombies behaved in the store, but the zombies were trying to PAY for their brains?" I'm laughing pretty hard at this point, absolutely boggled by the thoughts churning through my husband's head.

"Yeah, but that's not the weirdest part. So after all of that, the zombies write a letter to Wal-Mart, complete with pictures, thanking Wal-Mart for serving them so well."

Uh, yeah. By the end, I'm laughing so hard, I just got right out of bed, leaving my book, and wrote this all down before I forgot it.

Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope that you all can find something as amusing in your day as I did.

Back Dated Posts

2009-10-30T02:16:00.003-04:00

Over the next couple of days, as a distraction from the love making I should be doing with my sewing machine, I'll be putting up some back dated posts for this month. I have a talking post about an author, and a couple of pic posts. Just an fyi so you may want to go back and take a look see. I'll update this post when I've added the backdated ones.

And the sewing machine thing, it's 2 days from Halloween and I have costumes to make. Should be self explanatory, no?

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you have a great Halloween.

James and Izzy

2009-10-29T01:33:00.000-04:00

Just a few quick pics of James and Izzy. On the same day I was taking the pics of Jack and Abbey the boys were very interested in what I was doing so I took some quick shots of each of them. I haven't posted pics of them in a while so here they are.

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you have a great weekend!

3 Months Old!

2009-10-28T00:40:00.000-04:00

How is it possible that Abbey and Jack are now 3 months old? Where did the time go?

They are both cooing and trying to talk to you. Jack has kind of discovered his hands. Sometimes I'll see him sitting in a bouncy seat just staring at them. The other day he accidently poked himself in the eye. It was amusing because the look on his face after he did it said "Hey, how did THAT happen?"

Both of them are trying to giggle on occassion. Abbey REALLY loves to watch people. Jack is happy to lay on the play mat looking up at the toys, however Abbey would rather be sitting in the bouncy where she can easily watch everyone and everything that is going on. At their 2 month appointment, which was late I admit, however it was the 1st appointment that was available for the both of them at the same time, which was on October 21, Jack was 11 pounds 8 oz and Abbey was 8 pounds 12 oz.

While Jack occassionally sucks on his thumb, Abbey is a die hard thumb/finger sucker. She refuses to take a pacifier at all now, wanting only her thumb and first finger. She will shove the pacifier out of her mouth to suck on her hand like that. I was hoping to avoid that because it is so much easier to get rid of the sucky than it is to stop the sucking of a hand.

These pictures were done shortly before they turned 3 months old, but it's close enough for me.

Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope that you all have a great weekend and a wonderful holiday on Saturday.

Blue

2009-10-26T06:18:00.005-04:00

Over at The Women's Colony, we are talking about BLUE. We are supposed to take pics of all things blue and share. Well here in Serial Land what always comes to mind when I think blue is 2 pair of blue eyes.

First up we have the ice blue of Jayden's eyes. Before her, I'd never seen eyes like this. They are gorgeous in my humble and rather biased opinion.

Secondly, we have Jack's baby blues. I get the impression that they may "ice over" like Jayden's, but it's still a little too early to tell for sure.

Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope you all have a wonderful week. And do tell, what does blue look like to you?

Trip to Grandpa's

2009-10-21T00:06:00.000-04:00

Yes, I know the post is post dated, however I like it when it fits right in where it is supposed to. Not to mention, I'm a little busy and editing photos and posting them usually doesn't happen in a timely manner.

Anyway. My mom picked Jayden, the babies, and me up and brought us down to see my grandpa. She was going down anyway and Jason happened to have the day off so someone could sit with James and Izzy. Originally Jayden was going to stay home too, however Mom asked if she could come so that someone could sit in the back with the babies to help with bottles and pacifiers while we were on the road. I brought Katy's portable DVD player to keep Jayden company while we were at Grandpa's.

Grandpa's house is about an hour and a half or so from my place. It's a straight shot down, so that is helpful at least. I knitted while Mom drove. It kept my hands occupied and still allowed me to engage in idle conversation. I'd never experienced "Hands Free" for the cell phone before, that was pretty cool. Mom recently got a new car. It's nice. I forget what kind it is though, a Subaru of some sort or another. She got a great deal on it with her trade in of her old car and the "Cash for Clunkers" program and a discount from her credit union.

I asked Jason to take a some pics of Jack and Abbey before we went down to document their cute coordinating outfits. I always swored I'd never do anything so "corny" as coordinating outfits for the twins. Well, that was until I actually HAD twins. Go figure.

I didn't take many pics while at Grandpa's house. You'll notice that the babies aren't wearing their green shirts in the pics. It was 82 in Grandpa's house. Yep, 82 INSIDE. I know that because next to Grandpa's chair was one of those digital thermometers and that is what it said. UGH. To say it was stifiling is an understatement. Mom picked up deli fried chicken and sides for lunch, which was nice. When we go to see Jason's grandpa, I cook for the guys. Mom said that they prefer the premade stuff like KFC, so I'm all for that!

Jack is named for my grandpa, as his name is Jack (which I'm sure I've explained in at least one previous post). The twins also have Grandpa's birthday. He'd been asking my mom when he would be able to see them. Jason and I had planned on going down at some point on our own, we just didn't know when, so it worked that Mom brought me down.

Grandma Jackie is Grandpa's 3rd wife. He has burried the last 2. My mom's mom passed within a year before I was born, I'm never certain on the dates. The Grandma I grew up with, that Grandpa married within a year of Grandma's passing, was my mom's step-mom and she passed when I was pregnant with Jayden. Grandpa married later that year, about 6-7 months later. My mom says that my grandpa is a man that can't be alone. He's 90 now, so understanding what I do about the era he grew up in, it makes sense to me.

Mom absolutely adores the babies. It seems that she is particularly taken with Abbey, though she is very tickled at Jack being named for her dad, and them sharing a birthday. I think part of it is that she realizes that these very well could be her last grandbabies. I'm not having any more kids, and the way things are going, neither are any of my siblings, step or otherwise. So after these two, it's a waiting game for great-grandbabies for her. Honestly, being the mother of the oldest grandchildren as well as the youngest, I'm certainly hoping that those great-grandbabies of hers hold off for quite some time because I certainly am not ready for that!

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you all have wonderful weeks. Remember to enjoy and cherish everyone in your family, from the oldest to the youngest.

Just Jack!

2009-10-05T01:03:00.000-04:00

Yep, I know. I loved Will & Grace when it was on T.V and every time someone says "Just Jack" when talking about my Jack, I think of the show. Here he is, as a few days past 2 months old. You can watch as he falls asleep. There are a lot more of the yawning pics, but I didn't edit those for one reason or another.

Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope you all have a wonderful week. After looking at the sleeping baby, I think I need a nap!

Gratuitous Abbey

2009-10-03T18:32:00.003-04:00

It's that simple. I don't have much time to sit and write well organized thoughts. It's just the nature of the beast at the moment. I'm taking a minute while I'm waiting for Jayden to finish drying the dishes to put this post up. Enjoy!

Recent Pics of the Twins

2009-09-28T15:56:00.002-04:00

I wonder if when they get older if they will grow to resent being called "The Twins". It just seems like they are one person when referred to that way, when in fact they are 2 very different people. Ah well, we'll deal with that when the time comes. For right now, they are "The Twins" for all intents and purposes.

Jason had this past weekend off so I asked...wait, that should be "badgered, picked, nagged, and never relented until he did it"....him to take some new posed photos of our bon bebes. He complied. Not surprising the tactics I used.

We started with doing some on Wednesday night after the kids had gone to bed. That didn't go too well. The babies didn't like it one bit! Jason did manage to get some pretty cute pics out of all the ones of them crying and screaming. Even some of the crying ones were pretty cute!

Here they are when they were first set down on the couch.

and within a few seconds this is what resulted.

However, Jason persevered. Through his frustrations and my insistence he kept on going. He did manage to catch some really memorable shots.

I thought that maybe having the two of them together would calm them down. It kind of did. It didn't cheer them up any, but, for the most part, they stopped crying. In these two, Abbey looks quite a bit smaller than Jack, however that isn't actually the case. While she may be a couple of pounds lighter (and at this age, a couple of pounds is quite a bit) they are almost exactly the same height, with Abbey about a quarter of an inch shorter. Abbey was leaning on Jack's shoulder and I was propping her up at that angle with my hand behind her back.

So we tried again on Sunday afternoon. We set it up in our bedroom with gorgeous all natural light streaming through our big bedroom windows. Jack was first because he was awake and calm and rather cooperative, well, kind of cooperative.

Then I changed Jack's clothes. He didn't really care for that and became less cooperative. I really was hoping to catch a smile, but he was not forthcoming.

Abbey woke up at about that time. I didn't have any clothes for her pulled because she had been sleeping, so while I got up to get those, Jason took a few shots of Abbey. One of them turned out pretty well I think.

Between each change of clothes Abbey wanted to be held tight to calm down. She really likes being held so close you almost feel like you will squish her tiny body. We didn't have that with any of the other kids.

Once again I wanted pics of the two of them together. I had always thought that I wouldn't dress my twins alike. After all, with them being boy/girl, you'd think it would be hard to do. Amazingly, it's not that hard at all! I admit that I do it frequently even. I will see one thing I like for one of them and then go looking for the counter part in the opposite sex. Sometimes I find it, sometimes I don't. If I don't, that may sway me to not buy the original one I liked.

When we had it confirmed that Jack and Abbey were in fact boy and girl, I went to The Children's Place to pick up some cute clothes. I had a coupon and lots of stuff was on sale, as is usual for there. This is one of the dresses that I bought.

Those are all of the pics I have of the babies right now. I have some that I need to edit that are rather recent candid shots of the older kids and I'll post those later this week.

Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope your week finds you well.

The Baby Party

2009-09-13T02:11:00.005-04:00

Yes, I know this post is a week late. Sorry about that. Things were pretty crazy this past week. We had something going on every day through Friday. So Saturday was a day to relax. I got the photos edited, just not posted yet. Well, they are posted on Facebook. However, it's easier to post on Facebook. I don't have to edit them a 2nd time to make them fit within the space that I'm alotted due to formatting.

From what I'm told, the party was deemed a success. If you were there, and you thought otherwise, please let me know so that when Thanksgiving comes around, I can fix that!

Personally, I think the food was good, the company great, the children pretty well behaved. People brought gifts and they were all lovely and wonderful. I don't have any thank you cards *note to self, pick up thank you cards on Monday* or I'd send them out.

There were more people who attended that aren't pictured. Jason only kept his camera out for a short time. I'm trying to collect photos from at least my sister. I'd like to get the ones my mom has too, however I know her computer is super slow so I'm not too worried about that. After everyone ate, the kids were outside so the smokers went out to sit and keep an eye on them. Oddly it worked out that it was basically my family outside and Jason's family inside. Jason stayed inside and I went out, though Jason smokes and I don't. It's why there are pics of stuff inside but not out. I honestly didn't think to take the camera outside with me.

The food was wonderful. I made baked bbq pork rib chunks, grilled chicken, ham and pineapple pasta salad, and cheesecake brownies. Audra brought 7 layer salad with no peas, so I guess it's actually 6 layer salad. She makes it with no peas just for me, she knows I won't touch them with a 7 foot pole. My sister asked Tim to make the cake, and she chose the decs for it. My mom brought taco dip, which I really liked. Rhonda brought a peanut butter pie, which I was told was really good. I don't like peanut butter so I didn't have any. Jack brought green bean casserole. dad brought a big sheet of brownies (that Izzy kept putting his hands in to), baked beans, and deviled eggs. Audra also brought the paper plates, utensils, cups, and 2 coolers of drinks - lemonade and iced tea.

This is the cake that Tim made. Katie called me no less than 3 times from Hobby Lobby to talk about the decorations. I think she chose well. They are definately my style and the colors are good for having a party for boy/girl twins.

This is what the kids did for everyone who came. They all ran outside to greet them. This is the only pic I can find that has James in it. I think for the rest of the time he was off playing with his cousins or something like that.

My mom, Vicki, and Abbey.

A nice profile shot of Abbey.

Audra and Jack.

DJ is the sullen teen. Jack had just puked on Audra's arm and Donnie is helping her out by cleaning her up.

Izzy eating. It's what he did the entire time.

Jayden. I'm pretty sure she was just inside to get a drink. We hardly saw the kids unless we were outside.

This is Sue, my dad's wife. They were married the same year Jason and I were. And Jack and Christina were. 2005 was a big year for weddings in my family. Sue said she wore this shirt because it was the only one she owned that has both blue and pink in it.

Katy Beth. I'm not sure where the little girl went and how this teenager was left in her place.

Audra's other son Matthew. He loves little kids. He always wanted to be a big brother, so he really dotes on the kids when they go down there to visit or when he comes up here.

The red head is Jason's Aunt Mikki (Mickey?). She is Marian's sister. I don't know if she is older or younger, I *think* older. From the pictures I've seen, she was quite the looker when she was younger.

Sue and Abbey.

Our dads. My dad, Jim, has the beard. Jason's dad, Dave, is the guy who always seems to be smiling. The dads seem to get along well. Whenever they are together (Thanksgiving along with other family gatherings I organize) they talk for quite a long time with each other about pretty much everything.

Jason's mom, Marian, and Jack. To me, it looks like she's playing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" with him, though I'm not really sure what it was, I was in the kitchen cooking or something like that.

Jason's mom, Aunt Mikki, and Jack.

Aunt Mikki

Jason's dad, Dave.

Aunt Mikki and Jack.

Katie Ann and I in the office/baby room. Jason was going around taking pics and while he was doing that, he was taking pics of the clean rooms. He followed us in to the office to take a pic of the clean office. He told me that was why he was in there, just to have proof it was clean at some point in history, so I flipped him off. Trust me, while the office looks rather cluttered and messy, it's been known to be MUCH worse, however with the babies now sleeping in there (well, here cause it's where I'm at right now) full time, it'll be staying cleaner.

Audra helping Izzy get in to the brownies. We ended up bringing 1/2 the brownies to our homeschool group's "Not Back to School Party" on Tuesday. We apologized for all of the 3 year old hand prints in the frosting. The moms understood.

Jack sizing Jack up. I'm looking forward to when I'll be able to get pics of the two of them full grown sizing each other up. I have a feeling they'll be looking pretty close eye to eye with one another.

Jason's mom, Marian, and Abbey.

Jason's dad, Dave, and Jack.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week. Remember to take some time and spend it with your family, even if you just shoot off a quick email or call and leave a message on their phone.

Simple Pleasures of Childhood

2009-08-30T15:32:00.002-04:00

Right now, my older 3 are outside, digging for potatoes. I mentioned, in passing that it was time for them to be dug up and suddenly I had 3 volunteers! They are all very excited to be in the mud, it rained here for 3 days straight, digging around for the treasures of the potatoes! With each new potato that is discovered, they shout "Potato!" These tasty spuds will be used for the party a week from now when I make Cheesy Smash Potatoes.

I hope that you all can find the simple joys in life this week.

30 Family Pictures

2009-08-22T22:23:00.003-04:00

I wanted some pics done of all 6 kiddos together, so yesterday when the weather was gorgeous and not too hot, that is exactly what we did. Right in our front yard. Thankfully our neighbor's house has some nice run of the mill landscaping, so it provided a nice "backdrop" for the pics. Jason obviously took more than this, however I narrowed it down to 30. So here they are. I'm going to get some of them printed and put them in frames for our walls. Chime in and let me know which ones you think would be best for that. Also, as you are probably aware of, taking pics with kids is hit or miss, and we have some hit and some miss. Trust me when I tell you that what is here are the more "hit", even though they may look like a "miss"!

Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope you have a great weekend!

Still Alive

2009-08-11T01:19:00.003-04:00

We are still around and kicking. I'm going to have some new pics of the babies to post in the next couple of days, I just need to do some editing. Things are a little chaotic right now, which I think is understandable, don't you?

Our Meet the Babies party is set for September 6 at about 3 PM. If you are a family or a friend in real life, please mark the date. Email me with your physical mailing info if you think I might not have it. If you have someone or someones who you think should be coming, like best friends or extended family, please let me know and make sure I have their mailing info. I will be sending out an informal email invite to the party this week. I will send a formal paper invite when I send out birth announcements in the next week or so. Also, we are asking that in lieu of gifts, because we HONESTLY don't need anything for the babies, please bring a side dish or dessert to pass. Let me know what you are planning on bringing so that when others ask I'll be able to relay the info. When I have a better idea of the menu from my end, I'll let you all know. I'm planning on doing Baked BBQ Boneless Pork Ribs, and some kind of chicken and red meat. I'll also be putting together a couple of side dishes and some kind of dessert too. The party will be Indoor/Outdoor. Which means, to me, that the house will be open for any who wish to sate their curiosity and walk through and go in and sit and chill. The backyard will also be user friendly, especially to younger kids. Oh, please bring your outdoor lawn chairs, we have a few, but not nearly enough for everyone.

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope your week is wonderful.

Let Sleeping Babies Lie

2009-08-08T00:18:00.002-04:00

While we were at the hospital, the nurses got rather frantic when the babies did not wake every 2-3 hours to nurse. Apparently, that is what they MUST do in order to be healthy. I have the firm belief that you let sleeping babies lie. Once we were home, it seemed that the babies had decided that the schedule set out by the nurses suited them and for the first 3 days, that is what they went by, but only at night. This schedule did not sit well with Mommy at all however. Two nights in a row I went without sleep, and one of those I didn't have Jason's help because he had to work at 8 in the morning.

I hadn't figured out yet a good way to have the babies sleep. I really didn't want to pull out both moses baskets and add to the oodles of stuff we already had laying about our living room. I had picked up a 2nd basket on clearence at Target a few months back. It's bigger than the one we had for Izzy. It finally hit me that I could probably put both babies in that one basket. So I tried it, and it worked! After doing that, the babies went back to sleeping in longer shifts. They now average about 4 hours per block of sleep, which agrees with me MUCH more.

Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope that your weekend goes well.

The Birth of Jack and Abbey

2009-08-04T02:54:00.001-04:00

Friday morning came much too early. Jason didn't sleep any at all. He said he just couldn't get his brain to shut off. I had taken 2 Tylenol PM before midnight, which was my cut off for food and drink, and in hindsight, I should have suggested that he do the same. I woke up on my own just as Jason was coming to tell me it was 7. I laid there for another 1/2 hour, pretending it was later in the day, dreaming of the Mt. Dew I knew I couldn't have.

We gathered up the last little bit of things we needed and headed out. We left home about 15 minutes before we actually needed to be there. Living around the block from the hospital DOES have it's advantages. I had Jason leave everything but our point and shoot camera in the van. I knew that we'd start off in Triage, go to the O.R. and then Recovery, and not actually have a room of our "own" until some time that afternoon. I figured there was no need to cart all that stuff around when we wouldn't be using any of it anyway.

Jason and I arrived on time. We were shown back to triage, where I notice they remembered that I need a "fat girl" gown. We were assigned two nurses, one for me and one for the babies, that would follow us all the through until we were upstairs in our own room. This is something that I really appreciated. Knowing that the same women would be there all the way through helped calm me because it gave all the chaos a sense of continuity. The nurse, who I can't remember the name of, told me she figured that with twins, I'd need the bigger gown.

I got to use the last bit of fluid in my body and pee in a cup and change in to the gown. Jason became "The Keeper of my Clothes". Honestly, until the babies came and he followed them back to recovery, that's all he had to do. I got an IV, signed a bunch of papers, and was hooked up to the monitors. I was having some contractions, but I couldn't really feel any of them, and there was no pattern to them at all. It was just more of the "irritable uterus" that I'd been dealing with since Jason's birthday. I forgot that I'd be getting an IV and that is how I'd be kept from getting dehydrated, so it turned out I wouldn't be feeding the babies sludge after all!

We found out at about 9 that we were being "bumped" for an emergency section. I'm not sure why the mom needed the emergency, however we were there for something scheduled and honestly, I was ok with waiting. I was still pretty nervous about the whole thing. I have had surgery before, but it was on my ankle and I was completely knocked out for it. I sent out texts to friends and family letting them know about the delay, Jason napped in the horridly uncomfortable folding chair next to me. I asked him to do one last belly pic when I was released from "bondage" and allowed to use the bathroom.

Shortly before 10 I was told to drink the nasty antacid stuff, so I knew that the time was coming quickly. Jason didn't want to see any of the gore or prep or anything like that, so he was told that he'd be waiting outside the door until someone came and got him.

Jason was given wonderfully stylish and oh so sturdy paper scrubs to wear. He looked rather funny actually. I think he was worried about splitting his pants. At least, that's what he told me what he was worried about to try to cover up his actual worries.

I was walked the very short distance over to the O.R. My first thought was that it was bright, and I said as much. My 2nd thought was that I would NEVER fit on such a tiny table, this one I kept to myself!

There were lots of people in the room, going about their duties like little Worker Ants. Two warming beds and two NICU nurses per bed. Apparently for every set of multiples the NICU sends over nurses to check over the babies to be doubly sure that they are A-OK. I interacted with the anesthesiologist, his staff, and the nurses (yes, I totally looked up how to spell that word) for the most part.

From the moment I walked in the room things seemed to happen pretty quickly. I climbed up on the table, they had to give me a stool because it was so high, and the "Follow Me Through" nurse was my support as they put the spinal in. It went in the same way all of the epidurals of my past went in, so it was a cakewalk comparativly, at least I wasn't suffering through horrendous contractions while trying to sit so very still. Very quickly I was laid down. Then the waiting started to see if it would work.

While waiting all the little Worker Ants were busy doing things. Counting clamps and other scary looking devices, hanging drapes, moving my rather quickly numbing lower body all over the place. I had thought there would be some shaving going on, but as far as I can tell, and I haven't actually looked mind you, but I've felt while cleaning myself up, there was no shaving. At one point I was being rubbed down with iodine, the young woman with whom I kept up conversation (yes I'm being lazy and not writing that long word out again) asked me how it felt. I told her it felt a little warm, which surprised me because I had always thought iodine was cold. She informed that it was cold and that meant the spinal was working. At another point I felt some poking, not even hard poking, just general poke the belly and make it jiggle poking, and she told me that I was in fact being pinched very hard. At that point, it was deemed the spinal was working successfully and Jason was escorted in and the surgery began.

Jason was sat down at the head of the bed with me. The spinal made me sleepy and really feeling calm and rested. It didn't feel anything like I expected that it would. With all the women I've spoken to, I had picked up that it would likely be uncomfortable. That the pushing and pulling of getting the babies out would actually hurt. That I might not be able to breathe. I did feel nauseous for a small amount of time, however that was fixed very quickly with some meds added to the mix. It felt nothing like that. I was talking with Jason and the Young Woman and was feeling comfortable. There was quite a bit of pulling and pushing and jiggling, and while at some times it felt a bit uncomfortable, there was no pain.

When Jack was born, I forgot all about what the Worker Ants were doing to me. Jack David was born at 10:57 that morning. He weighed 7 pounds and 2 ounces and was 20 inches long. He was none too pleased about it either!

Abbey Michelle joined us 3 minutes later at exactly 11:00. She weighed 6 pounds and 8 ounces and was 19 and 3/4 inches long.

Jason and the Worker Ants brought the babies over for my inspection multiple times, though I wasn't really able to hold either of them at that point. The Head Honchos were busy tidying up my middle region so I was stuck there on the bed. Jason was given the go ahead to get up and take photos of the babies, and I'm certain that he made sure to not look at what was going on with my belly.

Jack was given a green little hat and Abbey was given a yellow one. All of the newborn hats used at the hospital are hand made by volunteers.

He was told to sit and hold both babies at one point, so a pic could be taken.

Shorlty after that pic, Jason went with the babies to the recovery area. I was left with the Worker Ants and Head Honchos. There was quite a bit more pushing and pulling while they pieced me back together. I lay there talking with the Young Woman about how men were babies when they were sick. One of the Head Honchos, named Bill, spoke up about how men were not babies, they just felt miserable. Young Woman and I pointed out how moms are expected to keep going while we are literally falling apart from our sickness while our husbands get much more than the sniffles and they are "dying" from everything. I told Bill that when he could carry over 13 pounds of baby to 38 weeks and 2 days and the volunteer to have his belly cut open so those 2 babies could be born that it would be ok to "die" while being sick, and until then, I just had no sympathy for a man who could handle it. The Young Woman thought this was very funny and I'm rather certain that Dr. Rod (the Head Head Honcho) snickered.

I was sewn up and stapled up and then rolled over to recovery. I was shivering horribly at this point. A side effect of the spinal is feeling tremendously cold, and that had hit me. To remedy this, a blanket made like a sheet of huge packaging bubbles was put on top of me with a compressor blowing hot air in to it was laid on top of me. This worked to settle the shivering. While I had been discussing the merits of sick mothers vs. sick fathers, Jason was in recovery with the babies, who were being cleaned up. Jason took advantage of this, and took a few more photos of each.

Once both babies had been cleaned up, and I had stopped shivering like I was caught in a snow storm while being naked, I was handed my babies. Abbey was put skin to skin with me for a bit because she was upset and her breathing was a bit fast. Her nice yellow hat also got wet, and until it dried, she used a striped one.

I will admit that I am absolutely smitten with both babies. I've never allowed myself to feel this way when my other kids were born. I'm not sure why, and honestly, that's up to my therapist to figure out. Both babies are breast feeding very well, and I'm doing well with it too. I'm not having my usual "Oh Gods I'm a Cow" feelings. It has only been a few short days, so we'll see if it continues. I'm hoping that with the help of Deb the Therapist I'll be able to continue with doing it, and with feeling this good about doing it. Jason is absolutely enamored with both babies.

The older kids come home tomorrow, with the exception of Katy Beth. We'll see how they react to the new additions. I'm especially wondering how Izzy will handle it. I know there will be some adjustments on the parts of Jack and Abbey as well. Since the moments of their birth, they have had Jason and I waiting on them hand and foot and not being distracted by the "outside world", especially other children. Also, my kids are loud. It's that simple. So that noise will take some getting used to for these two.

Physically, I am doing well. My BP is still on the high side, so I had to go home with meds for that. My pain level is tolerable. Honestly, I'm feeling better now than I normally would after being induced and delivering just one baby. I'm not sure why the section is more "tolerable" to me, but it is. I don't need to worry about a VBAC or anything like that however. These babies are the final babies from me. I am never going to be pregnant again, and honestly, I'm doing a little jig over that fact. Jason has his vasectomy scheduled for October 2 and we have other birth control already sitting in the drawer next to the bed. I am very happy that we have such wonderful babies to be our "Grand Finale".

I'm Home

2009-08-04T00:58:00.002-04:00

I'm going to break up this past weekend in to a few different posts. It will be easier for me to organize and post and honestly, easier for all of you to get through. We'll start with the birth and work our way to going home. I have a TON of photos. My mom, my sis, my friend Jenn, my friend Teresa, and Christina and her kids all made the trip up to visit with us. The babies are healthy and doing really well. I'm feeling pretty good too. My blood pressure is still on the high side, so I have to take meds for that for a week. I'm doing well physically and mentally. The breast feeding is going well, I'm actually pretty comfortable with it right now, which is a big difference than with my previous kids. Jason is handling the adjustment pretty well. He is in LOVE, and honestly, so am I. The kids will be home tomorrow (still on Monday mentally), so we'll see how that goes. I think Jack and Abbey will have a little adjusting to do as well. After all, they've had peace and quiet since they were born. Tomorrow I'll post the birth narration and pics.

Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope you had a wonderful weekend.

Cereal Daddy filling in...

2009-08-01T19:00:00.005-04:00

Kay I suk at bloggin but here goes...hopefully these first pictures of Jack and Abbey will do until Serial Mommy can fill you all in....

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I Love Ya?

2009-07-30T14:57:00.002-04:00

Well, tomorrow is the day, well THE day. I wonder, do I love ya tomorrow? Everyone is so excited and so eager and so...well, everything I'm just not feeling right now. Me? I'm tired. I'm worn out. I'd like a decent nights sleep where it doesn't hurt to roll over and MAYBE I can sleep on my belly again.

Today is my day to....well, what? I don't know. No one is here but me. Jason is working. Jayden and James are still in Wisconsin with Linda. Izzy left last night with Audra. I figured I'd clean or something. Set stuff up. Repack my bag. You know, DO STUFF. However, I have NO motivation. I feel tired. I slept til 11:30 this morning, so I really don't need a nap.

Honestly, there isn't much to "set up". My bag is packed, I just need to go through and double check the contents. Maybe I could pick up the floor? Fold laundry? Watch a movie? I'm very so so on all of that. I do need to shower at some point, so I don't need to worry about that at a Gods Awful Hour in the morning. I do know I'll be cranky as all get out in the morning. Waking up before 8. No food or drink since midnight. Not even some water. At that hour, I'd normally grab a can of Dew to get me going. Nope, not gonna happen. UGH!

I feel bad for Jason too. At least stuff will be happening TO me. He gets to sit there with me all day and well, just sit there. He gets to relay messages to family. He gets to eat and drink, the lucky bastard. Sorry for that last one Sweetie.

Oh, I would like to know how I'm supposed to breast feed TWO babies in recovery when I haven't eaten and had anything to drink in almost 12 hours? Seriously, if those babies can get ANYTHING out of my boobs, it'd be the consistency of SLUDGE.

So heres to tomorrow. May it hold...um...crap, I was never good at the toast thing. Well, at least it will be Friday, that has to be worth something, right? Oh, don't expect any updates here until Monday or Tuesday. Jason has said that he will NOT come home and upload photos and screw around with stuff. That everyone in cyber world can just wait. If you are my friend on facebook, my friend Jenn and my sister Katie are supposed to come up on Friday evening and take pics of the babies and they'll post them and tag them so they show up on my profile. Other than that, you're going to have to wait. Sorry. He's stubborn and I'm not wasting the energy arguing with him.

Down to the Wire

2009-07-28T00:21:00.002-04:00

Well, technically it is now July 28. The section is scheduled for Friday morning, the 31st, at 10. What is that, 3 days? Holy Hell. I'm getting nervous. This is major surgery people. I've had surgery before, sure, but it was TOTALLY unexpected. I didn't plan on falling and landing in such a way with James landing on me in such a way that my ankle would dislocate and break in three places and need surgery.

I've been induced before, sure. I've even known the date in advance. Those times, I had a good idea of what to expect. How things would go. What to do with the ONE baby once I got home. Sure it took adjustment, but I was COOL.

This time, I'm getting major surgery. I'm also bringing home TWO babies. I feel like I may end up juggling them or something. Like it's all a joke. Haha, made you look! Admittedly, I do worry about that. Only bringing one home. Yes, I KNOW I worry too much.

After the babies are out and home with me, I always look at them and wonder how it was that I even existed before they were there. How is it that I had a life that consisted of BEFORE them? This time it will be doubly so. I'm excited for it. I am anxious to see their faces. Nuzzle them close and hold them tight. Yeah, I know I sound sappy. Blame it on the hormones, OK?

I have my mind set that I am going to do this breast feeding thing. That I will give it a good effort. Maybe the baby wearing will help. I've got a really good breast pump. A good support system. I'm here all the time anyway. We'll see how it goes.

This week is supposed to be the finishing up of things that need to be done. Doing the last of the baby laundry. Cleaning up the office so I can use the crib if need be. Making sure that the bags for Izzy and myself are packed. Settling questions like "Should I wear jeans home from the hospital or a sundress?" I'm kind of waiting on the forcast to come out to answer that one. What movies do I bring to the hospital with me? Should I toss some excedrin and ibprofen in my bag, just in case?

Those are all questions I can answer. Then there are the ones that I can't answer. What am I going to feel like after the surgery? Everyone says it hurts like hell. However I'm already in pain 90% of the time - the other 10% is when I'm so passed out sleeping that I don't know if I'm in pain or not - anyway, so how would this be any different? Sure, it'll be a different KIND of pain, but pain is pain is pain. What about the meds they are going to give me, how will those affect me? I've never taken percocet or narco before. I'll have a morphine drip for shortly after the surgery. I've never had that either. The ONE time I've had morphine, that I can remember at least, was when I was in labor with Katy and all it did was make me sleepy. I probably had it after my other surgery, but I don't know for sure.

How will Izzy handle the new babies? James and Jayden will do pretty well I think. Katy Beth can practice her babysitting skills. Izzy is the one I worry about. He's just now starting to make more "conversational" noise, what if this causes him to shut down and shut up? How well will Jason handle the stress of it? Up until they are born, it's all me doing the taking care of them, they are IN me after all. He worries so much about making sure we have what we need that I wonder what having 2 more "mouths to feed" will do to him. I admit that the breast feeding comes in to play here again. It is more than the mouths that need to be fed however. It's the butts that need diapers and the backs that need clothes.

I do worry about me too. I'm prone to depression. Stress affects my milk production. Will I be able to care for two little babies who are up at all kinds of weird hours and still keep my cool with James? Will I do OK with recovering from the surgery while chasing down Izzy and caring for the new little ones? I wasn't kidding when I said my world would completely change once they arrive.

I know the blessings outweigh any of the negatives. I believe that too. I know that I will get through simply because it's what I do. I live it one day at a time and go from there. That doesn't keep the worries at bay, but it does put it in perspective. I think there is a good reason that we don't know what tomorrow will bring. How could we focus on today if we knew that tomorrow would change it all?

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you are able to keep perspective today, no matter how your world may be changing tomorrow.

Why I Want the Babies to come Before Next Friday

2009-07-24T09:15:00.003-04:00

This is going to sound extremely shallow. Right now, I just need to get it out. I don't know if she reads this blog or not. At the moment, I don't care.

My mom is trying VERY hard to have next Friday off so she can be there when I have the babies. I did not ask her to do this. I am also remiss in not telling her NOT to do this. I also have not been able to figure out how to tell her to stay home without hurting her feelings. Honestly, I don't want her there. I don't understand why she wants to be there. She was not there for Jayden or Izzy's births. I've had major surgery before. She wasn't there for that either. Her reason for that one was "I don't like hospitals". Um, anyone in their right mind really doesn't like them!

I have talked about this with Deb my therapist. I can't figure out the reasoning. Without really knowing why, it's hard to figure out how to stop her, if that makes sense?

Jason and I had planned on it just being him and I. We were going to have my friend Jenn there in case Jason needed something. This was back before we found out about the twins. That changed very little once we knew we were having surgery. We still asked just Jenn to be there. To go with the twins to the nursery if need be. Jason wanted to stay in the O.R. with me.

I know my mom won't be in the O.R. It's one erson allowed. That person is Jason. No recalls, no substitutions. My mom's current plan is to try to get the day off of work and have my sister, who works here in town and recently moved back up there by Mom, to pick Mom up on her way in to town for work, drop her off at the hospital at about 8 in the morning (when I have to be there) and then pick her up after she gets out of work at 5 in the afternoon.

I told Jason this plan. He looked me dead in the eye and said "Is there any way to get her to NOT do that?" I said "Without hurting her feelings? No."

Honestly, this is NOT what I want for the birth of my babies, nor my day of bonding with them. I don't want to try to entertain my mom. I don't want to ask my mom to let go of my babies so I can hold them and care for them. I don't want her there.

I am not close to my mom. Not by any means. My sister has dinner with her every other weekend. Her son spends every other weekend up there visiting. They do all kinds of stuff together. My mom is a great grandmother, to my sister's kid. I admit that I keep it that way.

My mom is so close minded that I can't believe that she is my mom. I don't argue politics or religion or how to raise kids or my choice to homeschool or anything like that with her. I simply say "it's how we (meaning Jason and I) have decided to do it" and I leave it at that. It's not open for discussion or disection.

My sister definately suffers through the repercussions of being close to my mom. My mom questions Katie's motives, her understanding of what is going on with her son, and second guesses her all the time. Katie, being the placater in the family, allows this to go on.

I don't like my mom. I know that makes me a horrid daughter. I love my mom, I just don't like her. I don't like to spend time with her. To me it feels like torture. I feel like I am in customer service all over again and I'm just smiling and nodding and counting the minutes until I can go home.

That all being said, how do you tell your mom "Stay home. I don't want you anywhere near me on the day that I give birth" without seriously wounding her? I may not like her, but that does not mean I want to hurt her. That all being said, I know that come next Friday, I'm going to be dealing with my mom. That really taints my whole birth process, mine and Jason's first day with our new babies, and that makes me angry. When I'm angry, I'm not nice. Let's hope Mom makes it through the day in one piece, shall we?

Feeling A Little Confused This Morning

2009-07-21T08:46:00.002-04:00

I read the blog The Women's Colony all the time. I love the blog. I read it every day. Even though I know there aren't new things posted every day, I go there to check. I think Mrs. G has a great sarcastic wit and her outlook on many things is realistic and funny. Short of having a physical place called The Women's Colony, this is her dream baby.

The Colony accepts submissions. Anyone with a keyboard, an email, and the ability to string two words together in decent english can submit what they choose. To me, that makes The Colony even more appealing. I had submitted this blog entry a while ago. I can go back and check dates, but I know it's been a couple of weeks at least. I received an answer, asking me to write something from my own perspective, without using the essay that I posted, and credited, to another author. So I did.

Keep in mind, I've never even had anything even remotely considered to be published on a blog that isn't my own. I have a very small readership. I don't even have one of those google reader site tracer things that tells me how the readers found me or where they come from. I think that lately, it's been more family and people I know who read here more than anyone else. I like that.

I received an email on Sunday letting me know that my submission was going to be published on Monday on The Colony in the Family Room. I thought that it would be the personal essay I had written. Very few people have actually seen that essay. Jason, my friend Jenn, and myself are the only ones I can think of that I've shared it with, other than the ladies at The Colony who I sent it to. What was posted was my original submission of my blog entry. The one that contained the essay that was credited to the other author.

I went to The Colony this morning, to check in as I usually do, to see what I may have missed. I know that some times I don't get the chance to read every page every day because I'm interupted by life here in the real world. My submission had been retracted. This leaves me feeling confused.

I need to say that I completely understand that The Colony is a private space. That Mrs. G and her team of ladies have absolute final say over what is posted there and what is not. Where I'm confused is on this point. If my submission was something that Mrs. G, or one of the other ladies (I have no way of actually knowing) didn't want posted, why was it posted to begin with?

All of that being said, I'm not going to stop reading The Colony. I understand that what I write may not be in agreement with everyone. I've come across times when it doesn't agree with my own family, Jason included in that. I understand that some topics are touchy, things people in "polite" society would dream of saying. I've written things that some would consider rude and crass and insensitive. I've shared intimate details of all aspects of my relationships with all the people around me.

In all of that, I've started writing about being a parent to a special needs kid. About the difficulties and challenges. How it makes ME feel to be the parent of this child. There is so much out there on the internet and in books and publications about how to parent kids like this. You are told to join support groups that have other parents of kids like yours. You are told of all the therapies for your kid and programs for your kid. You are guided to look at the best way to parent your child, and are expected to change how you've been doing things, even if the way you've been doing them has worked pretty well up to now, because you now have a kid that has specific needs.

However, it seems that NO ONE ever mentions how the parent feels while caring for this child. No one ever talks about the trials and tribulations. The self doubt, the anger, the fear, the hurt. All that come from JUST being the parent, but also being inflicted upon you by the child, on a constant daily basis. Apparently, to speak of this makes you "less" of the strong parent you SHOULD be. You are supposed to shut up and take it in stride. How you personally feel is not nearly as important as how you parent your child and help him/her succeed and overcome.

This leads me to ask, how can I be the best parent possible if I am disregarding my own feelings? Don't my feelings, don't my perceptions, doesn't my view of interaction affect how I parent? Why did no one ever tell me that I'll need my own therapist to be able to get through this? Why did no one ever say that there may be many many days where I feel like I've been beaten with a bat and I can barely function enough for myself, let alone all of those around me who rely on me to keep things together?

My posts about James are brutal and honest. There is so much that I don't share as well. Even I worry about how I, as a parent, will be perceived. There are things that, unless you are also a parent of a child with similar needs as James, are better left unsaid. They are hinted at, and if you experience those things personally, you understand them. You also have it understood that you are not alone. That I get it. I'm right there in the trenches with you.

When James becomes older, and if he were to read this blog, he would not be surprised by what I have shared. He already knows. As part of his therapy, as part of our learning to parent him, we talk candidly about feelings and reactions to others. It is supposed to help him learn, to make the connection between action and feeling. The things that I won't share here, I also won't share with him. I talk with Jason about them, I talk to my therapist. They are private thoughts and feelings.

All of that rambling to sum up this point. If I help just one other parent feel like they aren't out to sea without a life boat or vest, then that's good for me.

A Trip to the Zoo

2009-07-18T11:28:00.000-04:00

This was Izzy's first trip to a zoo. I would have taken him sooner, the Olders have been bugging me about it, but I really wanted to make sure that Jason went along too. Considering that the only kid here at the moment is Izzy, we took advantage and went to the zoo. It's within the 1/2 hour driving distance I've been given so that worked out. Jason had the day off, the weather was great at about 65 for the day and not too bright and sunny. Not having the Olders with us saved us quite a bit of money between entry fees (I think next year we'll get a family subscription, just going twice in the season will have the pass pay for itself) and no need to stop at the gift shop and all of that.

Jason said he really enjoyed the day. Just being out of the house and doing something different. He took a lot of pics. I'm only goint to share a few, he took over 100 at least. I pushed Izzy in the stroller. We set a nice leisurly pace and spent about 2 1/2 hours walking around. We went at the end of the day, which some say it's better to go at the beginning of the day, but with the cooler weather the animals were still out and pretty active. By going during the week the crowd was much smaller than on the weekend, which is also very nice.

There are 2 parts to the zoo really. One is the "standard" caged animals. The other is an area that is set up like an African Wild Animal Preserve. There are no lions or elephants. However there are plenty of zebra, ostrich, giraffe, goats, and exotic birds. They all live on a "savannah" area. Good thing the plains areas around here are rather "savannah" like, huh? They also have a bird conservatory, the birds are caged outside and in continuous areas that runs about a mile to get all the way through. There are also monkeys in with the birds. We skipped the monkey/bird walk. I just was NOT up to walking that mile. We had ice cream shortly before we left the zoo and that was our day. Izzy crashed out in the van not 5 minutes in to driving home.

First up were Red Kangaroos.

These purple flowers were just outside the kangaroo compound. Compound sounds so much nicer than "cage" don't you think?

This is a Macaw. My sister had one of these when she was a teenager. My mom had gotten it for herself, but the bird attached himself to my sister. That stupid bird was LOUD and ANNOYING. He would squawk like crazy whenever Katie wasn't home. He also had to sit on my sister's shoulder whenever she was eating and eat what was on her plate from a spoon. Once my sister started going to college and was barely home anymore, mom gave the bird to someone else. I think everyone was so happy to see him go.

Peacocks run free range around the zoo. They are literally EVERYWHERE. They are not caged at all. Jason was able to get a good shot of this one just sitting there and posing.

I think this is a wallaby. It was in the wallaby area at least. There were also emu in there, but the pics of those turned out fuzzy.

Here is one of the two snow leopards. The other one stayed asleep while we were there. This one kept pacing the fence back and forth. I think it was getting close to dinner time or something.

While the cheetah was in a different enclosure, he was doing the same as the leopard, just pacing back and forth. However he was doing it much faster and Jason had a hard time getting a non-blurry pic of the big cat.

This box turtle was HUGE. It reminded me of those pics you see of the 500 pound people that are stuck in their bed. The turtle moved while we were there, but only a leg and it's head. I felt kind of sorry for it. I don't know if was able to move more than that or not. Jason said it reminded him of a sumo wrestler.

Izzy loved the lemurs! He had to get up and "move it move it!" while I sat and rested and jason was arguing with the flash on the camera. I suggested turning it off and that seemed to help. Jason said later that the lemurs were hard to catch good pics of because they kept moving all the time. I guess the movie "Madagascar" at least had that part right!

On our way to the tram to go to the Wild Africa part of the zoo we went to the "Children's Area". We did not go in and actually pet any of the animals, nor attempt to feed them, but we did get really close to them.

These pygmy goats were pretty cute. The male pygmy was in with the nubian goats, an area you couldn't go in to. I think he was either too mean to be around the people regularly, or they were just keeping him seperated from the females.

The nubian goats would put their front hooves right on the fence to put their heads over so they could be fed. They didn't care about being petted, they were just trying to eat whatever they could.

The zoo attendent who was in with this llama said his name (the name of the llama) was E.T. because of his long neck and buggy eyes. This is one of the first animals Izzy really seemed to look at and notice was there. From that point on, whenever he noticed an animal he had the look of "what the HELL is that?". I found that very amusing.

This sheep was called "Jacob's Sheep". I'm pretty sure this is the male. The females had the side horns (antlers?) but not the tops ones. Jason said the sheep kept walking toward him like he was going to butt him or something like that.

I'm never sure why zoos put in domestic animals, but this one did. Jason got a couple good pics of a nice domestic pig and bunny. The bunny was HUGE however. He reminded Jason and I of the Monty Python reference to bunnies.

Prairie dogs on the walk to the tram. There was also a Red Panda, however his pic turned out fuzzy. The camera focused on the branches in front of him, not the actual animal. Go figure.

We stopped so I could rest. Izzy had a snack, a granola bar, and I drank some water. People watching is also a fun past time you can partake in while at the zoo. We are all animals after all! As you can see, my belly is HUGE. My butt looks pretty big too, but I like to think that it looks like that because I was sitting on it. A girl can dream, right?

We took the 5 minute tram to Wild Africa. It's about a mile away from the main part of the zoo. I thought we had missed the part with the giraffes, but they were up around a bend. Because it was later in the day, we weren't able to feed the giraffes. They do come right up to the railing and don't mind being touched at all. The other animals in the "savannah" stay well away from the people. Jason was able to get pics of most of them. I don't know what the odd looking bird is called. I wasn't paying enough attention. I did learn something new. I had always thought that a giraffe's head would explode, or something like that, if it were to bend down below it's body. No I don't know how or why I formed this opinion, but I had it. I learned from watching the giraffes that this was not the case at all. I suppose if I had actually sat down and thought about and realized there would be no way for them to DRINK I would have figured it out sooner. Oh well. If you look in the background of the last pic, you can see some of the other animals in there as well, just to kind of show they really are living together like that.

I hope you all have wonderful weekends and are able to make a few memories along the way. Prayers and blessings.

The Last Appointment with a "Regular" Midwife

2009-07-17T14:11:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm fat. Oh wait, we already knew that. On that note, I didn't gain any weight, so I suppose that is good.

Today was my last "regular" midwife appointment. It's so bittersweet. The pregnancy is almost over. That really isn't bittersweet, that is joyful. 2 weeks from today at 10 in the morning I'll be laying on a table with my belly cut wide open while a doctor shoves things around trying to remove 2 rather stubborn children from my innards. Yeah I know, nice mental picture. Just be glad it isn't you! The midwife is bittersweet because if this were any other pregnancy, I'd be seeing plenty more of the midwives. For another 6 weeks. Yep, 6 weeks. That's 4 more weeks til my due date and then an additional 2 for kicks and giggles.

My blood pressure was a little high, but with all the pressure on my innards, I guess it's to be expected. I measured at 49 cm. Now keep in mind, with many pregnant women, you measure a cm per week of the pregnancy. So at this time I would normally measure at about 36 cm. So not only am I measuring 9 weeks overdue, but throw in an extra 4 cm from where I am. That's 13 cm! That is like 13 extra weeks! OH MY WORD! That is why I have kept hearing "oh you won't make it to the scheduled surgery date, you'll have those babies before then". Um, it's not working out that way. I think someone forgot to send the memo to my cervix. While it's great that my cervix is made of steel and is keeping these babies in, I am so ready to have them OUT. It doens't help that I have even had a doctor tell me that they would be out by now!

Other than that, I'm as healthy as a horse, go figure. I have an ultra sound next Thursday and a follow up with the Maternal Fetal Medicine midwife. The one where 4 weeks ago I thought I wouldn't see again. Yeah. On Friday I have my pre-surgery appointment with the doctor who will be doing the section. Jason and I are both working on lists of questions that we want to ask. I was told that this appointment is the time to do that. So we will. Then no appointments until I show up at triage on the 31st first thing in the morning.

I wonder how busy it is on Fridays for surgery? I keep having dreams of it. They are a little odd however because I really have NO idea of what to expect. I've never had surgery like this before. I have had major surgery. It was on my ankle. I was knocked out for the entire thing. I asked to be. I got to about 97 counting backwards and I woke up in recovery asking if it was all done about 2 1/2 hours later. For this birth, I won't even see the new labor and delivery rooms. That is bittersweet too. It'd be nice to see them. However, an induction is NOT something I want. Especially after all that it took to kick Izzy out.

I suppose that is all the rambling for now. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Jason and I are taking Izzy to the zoo and I'll put up pics of that soon. Prayers and blessings.

Yes, I'm STILL Pregnant

2009-07-11T08:05:00.002-04:00

Why do I feel like a watched pot? I'm only 35 weeks and 3 days people. If I weren't pregnant with twins, no one would even be considering me having these babies until at least 41 weeks, which is about 6 weeks from now! I understand the excitment is building. I feel like I'm gumming up the works in the plans for a HUGE party because the stars of that party are IN me and it's up to MY body to let them out! 20 days at most people, 20 days. If I can survive 20 days in physical misery, I KNOW you can survive 20 days waiting!

On a completely off topic note, I'm sitting here at too early (yes, 8 AM is TOO early, at least for me) in the morning on a Saturday, looking out the window of the office at the little bunny that viciously ate my strawberries! He/she (I have no way of knowing which) is happily nibbling away at the weeds in the grass in the front. Now why couldn't he/she stick with that and leave my berries alone? I was REALLY looking forward to those! The bunny just keeps getting bigger and fatter. I think it sees me now and KNOWS I'm "talking" about it! HAH! Damn bunny, I hope Ringo makes a nice dinner out of you!

Anyway. I saw the midwife yesterday. Just an FYI, I am going to mention some "girly" things like cervixes and mucus and what not, so you may want to skip this paragraph if you don't want insight in to all of that. Sorry about that, but it's the nature of discussing pregnancy. I've gained another 2 pounds, which puts me at about 18 pounds gained. I am very OK with that number. I know it is quite a bit less than a lot of twin moms gain. I also know that some of it is water weight. And that it will go away once the babies are here. I forgot to ask what my BP and measurements were. I can ask next week.

I asked her to check my cervix. I was curious as to what is going on "down there". She did a slide and the old finger check too. I'm soft, which makes the cervix more willing to move when it needs to, which is in my favor. It's still pretty thick and it really isn't open much, both things don't surprise me much. It does seem to have moved down at least a little bit. I can tell that by compared to how far the midwife I saw in Labor and Delivery had her hand shoved in me! Yeah, that is always fun! The slide said that along with the usual pregnancy nastiness (yes, guys women are just gross!) I'm losing mucus because of the extreme pressure Jack is applying to the area.

The midwife was a bit surprised at how low Jack was laying and how high Abbey is. She is also STILL transverse, so it's still looking like a C-section will take place if I go in to labor on my own. Honestly, I've made my peace with that. I figured I would. I knew that all it would take would be for me to get to the end and be absolutely physically miserable, which I am, and I wouldn't care HOW they came out, as long as they did!

I have another growth ultra sound on the 23rd. I see a midwife on the 17th, then I have my presurgery appointment on the 24th and then it's surgery on the 31st. My grandfather will be 90 that day. My mom tells me he is SUPER excited too. Not only is he getting a great grandson named for him, but odds are high that they will have the same birthday!

Now I'm going to whine a little about my aches and pains. Again, you can skip over this part. It's not like I can KNOW what you are reading from this page!

I have never had my feel and ankles swell up like they have this time around. It's HORRID! I feel like I have meat filled balloons at the bottoms of my legs with little sausages hanging off of them. I'm pretty thankful that I always wear flip flops in the summer and that I'm not trying to stuff these massive things in to regular shoes! My fingers are swollen as well, and they get stiff when I'm doing just about everything. Oh my word, my hips and pelvic area are just crying in pain every time I stand up! It's like someone took a vice and put it in the pelvic opening and is cranking it more and more open every second! That being said, I am bound and determined to do even MORE walking. Walking is supposed to encourage the cervix to dilate. That's the end result we want here folks, so I'm all for it!

On to a more positive note or two. No more than 20 days and this will all be over. We'll have 2 gorgeous babies to show for it. How do I know they'll be gorgeous? They are MY kids and I have a strong genetic line. I will NEVER have to be pregnant again. I know a lot of women mourn that. Me, I'm rejoicing it! While my body handles pregnancy with grace and dignity (as much as possible at least, I certainly don't have complications cropping up all the time) my mind revolts at being pregnant. I always feel like I've lost my mind while I'm pregnant. Like some alien has taken over thinking for me for the duration. I'm always SO happy when it's done because I can work on going back to being ME.

I'm supposing that is all for right now. On the agenda for today, I am once again, sorting laundry, folding it and putting it in to storage tubs. I wouldn't have to keep doing this if Issac (ooh, he's in trouble, I used his full name!) didn't keep dumping the tubs OUT. Jason will be taking a tub or two down to the basement when he gets home from work. I'm trying to make room in our living room closet for the infant clothes tubs so that Issac can not get to them. That requires all other tubs to vacate the premesis.

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you have a nice quiet weekend filled with joy and peace.

A Day In the Life

2009-07-08T05:47:00.003-04:00

Why am I awake at 5:45 in the morning? Oh wait, that's right, because I'm in PAIN! It feels like Jack is trying to claw his way out without anything happening to the cervix! Sitting is very uncomfortable and so is standing. Don't get me started on laying down with my legs closed which means basically anything on either side, which is the ONLY way I can lay right now, and how it hurts like no tomorrow! I was thinking of sending Jason the store to pick up diapers for Izzy when he wakes up. We were going to make a trip to Walmart today, but I'm not sure if that is going to happen or not. Maybe we'll do it anyway to offer "encouragement" to the general areas "down there". I may be starting to dilate, based on the signs, but I did the same things with Izzy and still only started being induced at a 1. All in all, the pain I can get used to, it's the interfereing with my sleep that I have a problem with!

It's now 11:24 in the morning. I was awake until about 6:30. I went back to bed, which is the couch right now. Our bed is just too flat and Jason just moves too much for me to be even remotely comfortable there. Not that the couch makes it THAT much better, but it's enough to let me sleep in about 3 hour incriments. The pain I had this morning is still there. It's like someone has taken a vice and placed right there in the opening of my pelvic bone and is slowly twisting it wider and wider and wider. Peachy. You'd think I'd go in to labor with all of this. Nope. I do believe, honestly believe, I am going to be stuck being pregnant all the way to the 31st of July.

Linda is supposed to bring the kids back on the 4th. That is only 5 days later. I MIGHT be home from the hospital then, I would think I would be. The plan was so that they would be there so I could take a couple of weeks and get used to caring for 2 new babies at once. After the fiasco James pulled last night, I'm amazed she hasn't told me that she wants to bring him back NOW.

The Word of The Day

2009-07-06T14:23:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting at the dining room table, refolding laundry very hastily folded by James. His chore is to fold laundry so he can earn time either on the PS2 or the computer. He rushes through and does a sloppy job and it drives me BONKERS. Jayden is next to me, doing part of her chore, folding all panties/bras of the female household members.

"James, do you see how neat and tidy my piles are?"
"Yes"
"Can you tell me who folded the sloppy piles here?"
"I did, I wanted to be done."
"Can you tell me why my piles are neat and yours are not?"

Before James could answer, Jayden pops up with the word of the day "Because you wear granny panties!"

I Really Needed This Right Now

2009-06-30T00:56:00.002-04:00

It's such a good thing too. I once read an essay about parenting a special needs kid. I'm sure I've shared it here before. However, I can't find the post (go figure, it was before I figured out tagging I'm sure) so I'm reposting in an easy to find clearly labeled and tagged post. Here is the essay and then I'm going to talk some more.

Trip to Holland
Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this:

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans: The Coliseum, Michaelangelo's David, the gondolas of Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland??" you say. "What do you mean Holland? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around and you noticed that Holland has windmills - and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy...and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't go to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

This past couple of weeks has been especially hard for me and James. Yes, I know that should probably be "James and I" but I added James to it as an after thought and instead of just correcting it, I'm writing this drawn out sentence explaining it instead. Yeah, it's been like that.

Going along with the multiple doctor visits for me and the stress and anticipation of the twins upcoming birth and the planning for the kids to go to Wisconsin for a month with their grandmother, we had the meeting to get the results of James' psychological evaluation. I thought those results would bring me some semblence of peace. Sadly, I was wrong. They did nothing but aggitate me even more. It seems that now that I know what is wrong about James, I've stuck myself on that.

The difficulties that present themselves in our day to day lives are not any different now that I have that report than they were before I had it. James has not changed one iota since I was handed that sheef of 19 pages detailing the results of the tests and what it all boils down to.

Sadly, the one that has changed is ME. I am stuck on the things he "can't" do, the things he finds "difficult", and even though they are exactly the same as before, I can't let them go. I am beating the dead horse. I always felt that having that report would give me freedom. Freedom to try different things. To look at it and say "Yes, that is what is going on, now I know how to help him!"

The difficult about always being right is that in instances like this, what we have been doing is the right course of action. It's mind numbing and stressful and makes you wish you could smash your head in to the wall. And it seems to make not a damn bit of difference with James. It's the "right" course, it's the one I knew about all along. It's the one I asked to have verified. I so wanted to be wrong this time.

So now I have to get out of the rut I've stuck myself in these past few weeks. I am so angry and frustrated. Not at James per se, but at what he was born with, how he's wired. I want to scream from the tops of the highest mountains about the unfairness of this all. How it's so unfair to saddle a child with this, and to chain his mother to it as well.

Homer told me "I can't believe he is that bad off." He told me I was lying. That I'm a horrible parent. That I don't know what the hell I'm talking about and that HE could definately do a much better job. I know he's an idiot. He can't even MAKE an effort to spend time with his kids. James calls him more often than not. However, I'm already feeling this way, feeling as though I have failed this child miserably, and I'm only making things worse, and here is the stupidest man on the planet (after Katy's dad of coarse) reinforcing all of what I'm going through.

Jason is as dumbfounded as I am. However, Jason also gets "nice" James. I get the constant mean angry chip on his shoulder I hate you because you are the authority James. So he gets some kind of relief.

I've been told that James will never reciprocate on the feelings. When he says things like "I love you" and "I hate you" to him, they are the one and the same. They are buttons to push to get a reaction. He just doesn't understand the difference. This is through no fault of us trying to teach him, it's just how he's wired. Every time I hear "I hate you" and "you are so mean to me" and "you make my life absolutely miserable" and "you hate me and don't want me" even though I KNOW those are buttons, they hurt because they are reinforcing my own doubts, my own fears and feelings regarding him.

I look at him and his outward appearence is that of a "normal" boy. He's very small for his age. He has no muscle on his body. He's stick and bones. But aside from that, he looks "normal". I know looks can be misleading. However, I want him to BE "normal". He never will. I have to find a way to give that up. That desire. Though I don't think I will. I'm rather certain that it will always be there, in the back of my mind.

There are plenty of GOOD things about James. However, I just get caught up in the day to day grind that I forget to pay attention to them. That I forget that sometimes you have to go looking for them. I need to stop, and look for the windmills and tulips and Rembrandts in James. They are there. Once I can find them, then I can share them with him and maybe they will help him in a way like they help me.

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you remember that no matter where you land, with a little exploring, there is beauty in every thing and every one.

Another Doctor Appointment Update

2009-06-27T08:20:00.003-04:00

I met with a doc yesterday. The female Dr. Rodriguez. I don't know if the two are married or what, after all it seems Rodriguez is a pretty common name, like Johnson and Smith. With both babies being head down, I don't need a c-section. I was also told they CAN do an induction as long as it is "slow". Um, how do you have a "slow" induction?

I have another appointment next friday, which I'll end up taking ALL of the kids to because Jason has to work 8-5, but that's fine, it's just a regular appointment with no extra fancy stuff like ultrasounds or NST's, so I'm not too concerned about it. I need to ask if they'll do an ultrasound to follow up with the position of the babies. I also need to ask what will happen if they both stay head down and the c-section date comes up. Should I plan on being there for that or just let it pass on by? What if I don't go in to labor on my own, and it seems as there is no end in sight? I keep getting told "Oh, you'll have those babies some time around 36 weeks". Well what if that just is not the case?

Jason is supposed to have his vasectomy on the 17th of July, but he is in the process of rescheduling that. I guess they are now looking at dates in October and when that calendar opens up, the woman who does the scheduling will call him and set a date. I would have liked for him to have it done before the babies arrive, however with it being the 17th and things being so unknown about their birth, it's better to reschedule. If this were a single baby birth, I would tell him to keep it and not even worry about it overlapping the birth. I'd be pregnant until the end of August easily then!

My BP is normal again. I was right, it's the automatic machine that does that to me. With the nurse taking it by hand, it was a good 124/70. I have swelling in my feet and fingers, but I'm ok with that, I think that is more from the heat and the fact that my body feels as pregnant as a woman who were 4 weeks overdue

With the babies being over 4 pounds each and I'm now past 33 weeks, the told me that if I go in to labor they won't try to stop it. That was according to this one doc. I might get a completely different story if I were to ask another one. I would like to stay pregnant until the kids leave for Wisconsin, it would just make that a little less stressful. I know I would also like some time alone with Izzy before they arrive. However is it really that wrong of me to hope it happens sooner?I'm SO over this already. I've been waking up each morning with HORRID cramping in my legs, and I've been making sure to get a dose of calcium each day. I drank a decent (12 oz) cup of milk yesterday and no cramps in my legs today, so I need to start making sure I'm doing that every day. The heat is not helping my lovey dovey happy feelings at all!

I know this next month is going to get crazy, but as long as I'm NOT pg through most of it, I'll be OK! I have an open schedule (meaning I can call and schedule any time I feel I need to talk with her)with my therapist, so I'm hoping that with her help I'll be able to handle the breast feeding/pumping to the point that I can get over the hurdle and make it 2nd nature. It's all psychosematic for me, there are no physical inhibitions to it, so thankfully that helps.

Evening Primrose Oil is now a daily thing for me. 1000 mg orally a day and starting tonight I'm going to do the suppository (yes I know family didn't want to read that, sorry for the TMI but it's a risk you take while reading here!) and hope that it really kicks my cervix in to gear. If I can go in to labor on my own and deliver vaginally I know that will really help with my recovery!

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and they find that staying cool isn't too hard! Prayers and blessings everyone.