I've been suffering lately. I guess that's the only accurate phrase for it. I keep it all bottled up inside. Letting it out only hurts me and hurts Jason, and most likely the kids too. I'm no stranger to depression. You can't have a life like the one I've lived and not know what the Hell that is.
I feel so damn tired all the time. I want to be curled up in bed, bawling my eyes out and sleeping. It wouldn't solve a damn thing, I KNOW that, however it's my desire at the moment. What the hell do I have to be depressed over? I've got a decent house, a wonderful husband, kids that are pretty damn good. Life looks great. That's the catch, it LOOKS great.
Inside I'm just a ball. And in all honesty, I couldn't even tell you what kind of ball I am. It's all jumbled and mumbled up. I know you all look at this blog and expect to see pics of those darling kids and the house and what not. Those will continue. But so will this. I need to get it out somehow. I can't keep losing it like I have been. Today feels like it's been an absolute waste of my fucking time. And everyone else's too.
Before you even go there, NO I'm NOT going to kill myself. That is the coward's way out. You don't solve a damn thing by just ending it all. You leave behind your old mess, and a new one on top of it.
This has just been one of those times for me where things just keep adding on top of one another. For starters, we actually decided to go with no more babies. I honestly don't believe it will happen. I'm so tired and worn out, I'm not sure I can do another anyway. Now it's just up to Jason to call and schedule the first appt to get the ball rolling on the big V.
I'm pretty sure that one of the oldest friendships I have has ended. It's not surprising to me, I saw it coming. It became all about her. It was what could she get out of it from me. However she just didn't have time for me when I needed her. We had some good times, so I'll choose to remember those and leave it at that.
The biddies are pushing for me to go therapy. Who are the biddies? They used to be our case managers for the services for James. We are in the process of going to a new agency, a pain in the ass in the first place. They really want ME to go to therapy. They feel I can't handle my depression on my own. Part of my problem with therapy is that my therapists always leave. After about 6 or 9 months, they find a better job and off they go, leaving me in the lurch.
They do know of one place in town where the therapists don't leave. The place deals with kids mostly. They will help adults, though only adults who have suffered through childhood sexual assault. Unfortunately, I am one of those adults. I, however, do NOT want to talk about that. I don't want to remember more than what I do. I know I do things that don't make any sense to anyone else, yet they make me feel safe. I don't really want to know why I do those things, what happened to me to make me feel like i NEEDED those things.
My life has not been easy by far. I know the childhood I had greatly influenced the adult I became, that I am still becoming. Jason, bless his heart, has nothing in his life to even begin to relate with mine. He wants to help, he wants to listen, he wants to help me heal, but he has no idea on where to begin.
I feel bad for Jason. I know there are plenty of times where I resent his "perfect" childhood. The mom and dad living in the same house with the three kids. The mom that cooked and was home when he was. He says he was lonely, that I can understand. However, he wasn't alone. He wasn't held responsible for much more than his years dictated he should be. He wasn't in situations where he should have been afraid for his life. He had fears. He was sheltered. Those things created their own idiosyncrasies. Though none of them are on the same plain as mine.
I feel so alone in dealing with all of this. In facing myself. In suffering through this horrid paralyzing depression. I force myself through the steps because I KNOW I have no choice, I must continue on. I have to for our family. I have to make it good and right. I can't let them down because of my own issues.
EVERYONE always says "oh, talk to someone". How do I know that will help? There are no guarentees in life. And what makes that stranger so much more suited to helping me? Because they deal with folks like me every day? Because they went to school to study folks like me? How is that in any way reassuring.
I won't do meds. I don't like the side effects. How is almost falling asleep while driving and not feeling a thing and STILL suffereing through horrid insomnia any better than what I'm going through now on my own. At least I still have the ability to feel and think. The meds make me blank. Completely blank. Or maybe I stop caring because I'm so damn tired, either way, it's not how I want to be.
So where does one go from here? How do I proceed in a way that is healthy for me and my family? How long does it take for one to be ready to go explore the deep dark forest of their past? What happens if I find the Big Bad Wolf? What if the Big Bad Wolf turns out to be myself?
Monday, March 31, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
I've been here, but not really.
I've been playing with the blog, if you can't tell, but I haven't posted in quite a bit of time. I wonder why that is? I'd think of great things to blog about as I was supposed to be falling fast asleep, and then come morning, they'd be long gone out of my head, with the dreams I am sure I had just dreamt and could no longer recall. Things have been "weird" for me lately. I really can't put my finger on it. That's not entirely true. OK, fine, not true at all. Jeez, you guys are like the Spanish Inquisition! :D
Anyway....
It's been babies. That's what has been taking my time, my mind. And some other stuff too, but babies is where I'll start. Jason wants to keep trying for another baby. I don't know if I really want to do that. I'm tired and worn out. I was told I'd have to test as early as possible so they could make sure that things are "going as they should" and there is ALWAYS the risk of something just not going right at all. I don't know if I even want to attempt to go through all of that again. I'd love another baby, I really would, but at what cost? And isn't Izzy a good note to end on? Do we really NEED another child? Jason's family line is continued through Izzy. Afterall, he IS a boy and he IS named Dean.
A cute little girl to dress up and be frilly with. An adorable little boy looking so cute and stealing his daddy's heart. Those are images I have stuck in my head, that I'm obsessing over. And yet, I watch our other children grow and mature. As they age and become more themselves than us, I realize I've got great kids. Really awesome kids. Even the one with issues is better behaved than most withouth "issues".
Izzy is becoming a ham, he's a clown. His personality is blossoming and growing with the days. He's stubborn and willful and silly and so funny. He'll do anything to get a laugh. Jayden is downright beautiful. She is amazingly so, and so determined to not be smart too, though she's failing that miserably. James is smart and insightful. The things he thinks on, things I would never dream to consider. He keeps me on my toes with his questions. Katy Beth with her brain. She is a gorgeous beauty. She is going to make the boys beg and cry for her attention. Though I have a feeling she'll be more interested in her book than the likes of them.
I know that once you have another, you can't imagine your life without them. That's how it's supposed to work. We have plenty of pics of our life before Izzy, however it's like looking in at someone else's life. There are so many who desire children so dearly. So many who want and cannot have for one reason or another. Are we being greedy by continuing this path? Are we setting ourselves up for more heartache and hurt?
Jason has been on a quest lately to find "himself". To find his guardian animal, his totem I guess is what he said. He's trying to find a peace within himself. I can't help but wonder why now? What makes now any different, any better of an opportunity than before?
Lately, I've been so tired and worn out I can barely function. I don't have the energy to do the basic every day things, let alone go on a spiritual search for the "me" that is missing. I've been trying to exercise regularly, though that resulted in me GAINING 5 pounds. What is up with that? And now that I've "rested" a week, I've gone back down in my weight.
Jason told me I was a "good wife" on Saturday. He said that it was because I was taking all the kids to the park to play and not making him go with us, allowing him some much needed "alone" time. Though he has said it at other times. I don't feel like a good wife. I don't do those "wifely" things that most women do. I don't clean. I barely keep up on the laundry. I'm horrible with managing money.
Speaking of money, I've been doing a really crappy job lately, so of coarse that has been weighing on me as well. I told myself at the beginning of the year that I would do better. I'm not. I am going to stop carrying my debit card. I am going to start using cash to pay for things. That way, I can't spend what I don't have. I need to keep up on our savings. I need to start saving more for the kids. I need to budget MUCH better. Between Jason and I we make enough, even without the added bonus of the child support, that it shouldn't be such a stupid struggle for us. But it is, and it's my own doing. Why haven't I just handed it over to Jason? Pride. Shame. Fear. I keep saying I CAN do it. I'm ashamed of it, that I can't do it. I'm afraid of his reaction. No, he has NEVER given me reason to fear, however old habits die the hardest, kicking and screaming the ENTIRE way.
If this is truly like my journal, I should be posting more often, and I am going to try to do that. It's now almost 1:30, and I feel my lids getting heavy. I must retire and try again tomorrow. After all, that's all we can do, right?
Anyway....
It's been babies. That's what has been taking my time, my mind. And some other stuff too, but babies is where I'll start. Jason wants to keep trying for another baby. I don't know if I really want to do that. I'm tired and worn out. I was told I'd have to test as early as possible so they could make sure that things are "going as they should" and there is ALWAYS the risk of something just not going right at all. I don't know if I even want to attempt to go through all of that again. I'd love another baby, I really would, but at what cost? And isn't Izzy a good note to end on? Do we really NEED another child? Jason's family line is continued through Izzy. Afterall, he IS a boy and he IS named Dean.
A cute little girl to dress up and be frilly with. An adorable little boy looking so cute and stealing his daddy's heart. Those are images I have stuck in my head, that I'm obsessing over. And yet, I watch our other children grow and mature. As they age and become more themselves than us, I realize I've got great kids. Really awesome kids. Even the one with issues is better behaved than most withouth "issues".
Izzy is becoming a ham, he's a clown. His personality is blossoming and growing with the days. He's stubborn and willful and silly and so funny. He'll do anything to get a laugh. Jayden is downright beautiful. She is amazingly so, and so determined to not be smart too, though she's failing that miserably. James is smart and insightful. The things he thinks on, things I would never dream to consider. He keeps me on my toes with his questions. Katy Beth with her brain. She is a gorgeous beauty. She is going to make the boys beg and cry for her attention. Though I have a feeling she'll be more interested in her book than the likes of them.
I know that once you have another, you can't imagine your life without them. That's how it's supposed to work. We have plenty of pics of our life before Izzy, however it's like looking in at someone else's life. There are so many who desire children so dearly. So many who want and cannot have for one reason or another. Are we being greedy by continuing this path? Are we setting ourselves up for more heartache and hurt?
Jason has been on a quest lately to find "himself". To find his guardian animal, his totem I guess is what he said. He's trying to find a peace within himself. I can't help but wonder why now? What makes now any different, any better of an opportunity than before?
Lately, I've been so tired and worn out I can barely function. I don't have the energy to do the basic every day things, let alone go on a spiritual search for the "me" that is missing. I've been trying to exercise regularly, though that resulted in me GAINING 5 pounds. What is up with that? And now that I've "rested" a week, I've gone back down in my weight.
Jason told me I was a "good wife" on Saturday. He said that it was because I was taking all the kids to the park to play and not making him go with us, allowing him some much needed "alone" time. Though he has said it at other times. I don't feel like a good wife. I don't do those "wifely" things that most women do. I don't clean. I barely keep up on the laundry. I'm horrible with managing money.
Speaking of money, I've been doing a really crappy job lately, so of coarse that has been weighing on me as well. I told myself at the beginning of the year that I would do better. I'm not. I am going to stop carrying my debit card. I am going to start using cash to pay for things. That way, I can't spend what I don't have. I need to keep up on our savings. I need to start saving more for the kids. I need to budget MUCH better. Between Jason and I we make enough, even without the added bonus of the child support, that it shouldn't be such a stupid struggle for us. But it is, and it's my own doing. Why haven't I just handed it over to Jason? Pride. Shame. Fear. I keep saying I CAN do it. I'm ashamed of it, that I can't do it. I'm afraid of his reaction. No, he has NEVER given me reason to fear, however old habits die the hardest, kicking and screaming the ENTIRE way.
If this is truly like my journal, I should be posting more often, and I am going to try to do that. It's now almost 1:30, and I feel my lids getting heavy. I must retire and try again tomorrow. After all, that's all we can do, right?
Sunday, February 24, 2008
A Post of Pictures
I figure it's been a while since I've posted pics of any kind, so I'll do that now. A couple of weeks ago, when Katy was last here, I asked Jason to take some pics of the kids for me. So he obliged me oh so willingly. Here are the ones that I like the best.
First up was Izzy. I figured we would do the guy who would lose patience first. He still has pretty much no hair. It does make him look more "baby-ish" which I thinks is o.k.
Now to try the four of them together, not as easy as it seems. Why can't they all be smiling and looking at the camera at the SAME TIME?
This was SUPPOSED to be JUST the girls, but Izzy needed to be in the pics too. You'll notice that he starts to have his tongue out quite a bit, that's because he thought that raspberries were FUN!
Izzy finally got tired and hopped on down, so I got a decent one of just the girls.
Here are both boys. AGAIN with the tongue. I found that either Izzy had his tongue out, or James' hand was in front of Izzy's face. Why can't they just cooperate????
All funny faces. These are the "olders" and it seems that getting a decent pic out of them on their own is as easy as it is with them as a group. What is it about a camera that makes them do this?
It seems like I've been in a picture taking mood as of late. On Friday night, before leaving for work, I asked Jason to take some pics of me. Yes, I ASKED. Huge shocker for me. Usually, I run from the camera like the Wicked Witch ran from water. I had put forth some effort in my appearence, and I was feeling pretty, oh so pretty, hehe, so I thought I would have the moment commemorated. Now I just need to tackle, I mean sit Jason down and do some of him. Oh yeah, remember that comment I JUST made about making faces to the camera? I think it's genetic, because looking at these, it's like watching a slide show of "The Goofy Faces of Jamie".
And I'm going to leave you all on that note. It's just after 1 AM here, so I'm wondering if I shouldn't pop out the ole contacts and head off to beddy bye. Have a happy night.
First up was Izzy. I figured we would do the guy who would lose patience first. He still has pretty much no hair. It does make him look more "baby-ish" which I thinks is o.k.
Now to try the four of them together, not as easy as it seems. Why can't they all be smiling and looking at the camera at the SAME TIME?
This was SUPPOSED to be JUST the girls, but Izzy needed to be in the pics too. You'll notice that he starts to have his tongue out quite a bit, that's because he thought that raspberries were FUN!
Izzy finally got tired and hopped on down, so I got a decent one of just the girls.
Here are both boys. AGAIN with the tongue. I found that either Izzy had his tongue out, or James' hand was in front of Izzy's face. Why can't they just cooperate????
All funny faces. These are the "olders" and it seems that getting a decent pic out of them on their own is as easy as it is with them as a group. What is it about a camera that makes them do this?
It seems like I've been in a picture taking mood as of late. On Friday night, before leaving for work, I asked Jason to take some pics of me. Yes, I ASKED. Huge shocker for me. Usually, I run from the camera like the Wicked Witch ran from water. I had put forth some effort in my appearence, and I was feeling pretty, oh so pretty, hehe, so I thought I would have the moment commemorated. Now I just need to tackle, I mean sit Jason down and do some of him. Oh yeah, remember that comment I JUST made about making faces to the camera? I think it's genetic, because looking at these, it's like watching a slide show of "The Goofy Faces of Jamie".
And I'm going to leave you all on that note. It's just after 1 AM here, so I'm wondering if I shouldn't pop out the ole contacts and head off to beddy bye. Have a happy night.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
I really am trying to post more, Honest!
Can you say sick? We sure can. It's been a couple of weeks and I'm pretty sure we've all been sick for pretty much that ENTIRE time. While James and Jayden seem to have recovered well, Jason and I feel as miserable as ever. Poor Izzy still has green crap coming out of his nose. Although, Jayden and Izzy are declared relatively healthy after their checkups this past Monday.
Last week I was SO busy. Oh my word. On Tuesday it FINALLY died down a bit, with me just having to work. The laundry is finally looking like it hasn't been done in years, the living room is beginning to come together. I got the curtain rods for the girls' room, now if I could just find the motivation to go up there and finish the last little bit that needs to be done. I also need to make their curtains.
I am finding myself with very little motivation to do these things lately. Not sure what it is, I just don't have the ooomph to go do it. The stuff needs to be done, I know that, I just am lacking the fire under my ass to get it done.
On a different note, I'm pretty sure that I've finally gotten through to Jason about his need to go back to school. Of coarse he doesn't want to, no one does. His degree is in photography at the moment. Not much can be done with that kind of degree in this area, even during GOOD economic times. For me to pursue my degree, it would take us paying for daycare out of pocket, along with me no longer working. For Jason to pursue his degree, it would require me working a little less, and to not pay for daycare, and his financial aid would help offset the lost funds of me working.
Jason is always telling me that he wants to earn more. This makes total sense to me. I always ask in return "what do you want to do?" and he never knows. He honestly doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up. Jason has amazing artistic talent. However, he doesn't want to do graphic design, it is a bit repetitious. Oh, and he'd need a degree in that. Or illistration. There is no market for that really around here, and he'd need a degree in that as well. Right now, Jason is qualified to work in retail and in a metal fab shop. That's about it. There isn't much money to be made in either of those fields.
I think Jason would make an awesome art teacher. Either elementary or high school. Middle school would be ok, but definately not a first choice. Because he already has a Bachelor's degree, getting the Education add on wouldn't be nearly as time consuming as starting out fresh. We'll keep talking it over, however I think I have found a fire for under his butt finally.
Lately, we've been trying to give James back his video game privelages. It only works so well. It seems that whenever he has them taken away he does much better behavior wise than when he has them as an option. I'm not sure why that is as it would seem the opposite should be true. Go figure.
Izzy will be 2 at the end of March. It's amazing to realize that much time has gone by already. I love the little guy, but he's a terror! He's certainly finding his mischevious stride! Though the talking is a slow coming, like I've said before, I'm pretty convinced that the growth of his hair some how co-relates to the growth of his speech abilities!
Me, personally, I am finding myself just worn out and down. I'm so very tired as of late. Everyone being sick on top of the rather hectic schedule is just weighing on me. I know I should exercise, it would probably help, but remember that lack of fire under my butt, yep it goes for the exercise thing too, go figure. I think it's pretty impressive that I'm posting here! I think to myself during the day about things I'd like to blog about, but then I just don't do it. I usually just spend my time playing on Pogo of all things.
Last week I was SO busy. Oh my word. On Tuesday it FINALLY died down a bit, with me just having to work. The laundry is finally looking like it hasn't been done in years, the living room is beginning to come together. I got the curtain rods for the girls' room, now if I could just find the motivation to go up there and finish the last little bit that needs to be done. I also need to make their curtains.
I am finding myself with very little motivation to do these things lately. Not sure what it is, I just don't have the ooomph to go do it. The stuff needs to be done, I know that, I just am lacking the fire under my ass to get it done.
On a different note, I'm pretty sure that I've finally gotten through to Jason about his need to go back to school. Of coarse he doesn't want to, no one does. His degree is in photography at the moment. Not much can be done with that kind of degree in this area, even during GOOD economic times. For me to pursue my degree, it would take us paying for daycare out of pocket, along with me no longer working. For Jason to pursue his degree, it would require me working a little less, and to not pay for daycare, and his financial aid would help offset the lost funds of me working.
Jason is always telling me that he wants to earn more. This makes total sense to me. I always ask in return "what do you want to do?" and he never knows. He honestly doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up. Jason has amazing artistic talent. However, he doesn't want to do graphic design, it is a bit repetitious. Oh, and he'd need a degree in that. Or illistration. There is no market for that really around here, and he'd need a degree in that as well. Right now, Jason is qualified to work in retail and in a metal fab shop. That's about it. There isn't much money to be made in either of those fields.
I think Jason would make an awesome art teacher. Either elementary or high school. Middle school would be ok, but definately not a first choice. Because he already has a Bachelor's degree, getting the Education add on wouldn't be nearly as time consuming as starting out fresh. We'll keep talking it over, however I think I have found a fire for under his butt finally.
Lately, we've been trying to give James back his video game privelages. It only works so well. It seems that whenever he has them taken away he does much better behavior wise than when he has them as an option. I'm not sure why that is as it would seem the opposite should be true. Go figure.
Izzy will be 2 at the end of March. It's amazing to realize that much time has gone by already. I love the little guy, but he's a terror! He's certainly finding his mischevious stride! Though the talking is a slow coming, like I've said before, I'm pretty convinced that the growth of his hair some how co-relates to the growth of his speech abilities!
Me, personally, I am finding myself just worn out and down. I'm so very tired as of late. Everyone being sick on top of the rather hectic schedule is just weighing on me. I know I should exercise, it would probably help, but remember that lack of fire under my butt, yep it goes for the exercise thing too, go figure. I think it's pretty impressive that I'm posting here! I think to myself during the day about things I'd like to blog about, but then I just don't do it. I usually just spend my time playing on Pogo of all things.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Michigan Flying Tree Frogs?
What are those? Michigan Flying Tree Whats? So Jason comes to me last night. He says "Dude, I know what I'm going to write a kids' book about! Michigan Flying Tree Frogs!" To which I OBVIOUSLY respond with "What the HELL are you talking about?"
"Ok, so when I was in college..."
Folks, keep in mind, any story that starts "Ok, when I was in college" involves my darling hubby previously stoned or drunk or both and the fact that he can remember anything at all is VERY impressive to me.
"Um, you actually remember when you were in college?"
"Yes, now let me continue! So, when I was in college, my buddy Jamie, he's a guy.."
"I know Jamie, you've talked about him before"
"He had this girlfriend and her family invited a bunch of us up to her family's cabin on Torch Lake..."
"Yeah, you've told me about Torch Lake before too. It was a huge party."
"That's the one. Anyway, the girlfriend, I can't remember her name now..." to which I give him the look of non-surprise at that tidbit "and it was either her or her family, not sure which..." again with the look of non-surprise from me "and they told me about Michigan Flying Tree Frogs."
"Ok, what the HELL are Michigan Flying Tree Frogs?"
"If you would stop interupting, I'd tell you. It's when you fart and you blame it on the frogs."
"What?"
"Yeah, it's when you cut a righteous nasty one and you blame it on the frogs man"
This last statement was done is Jason's "Surfer Dude" voice, think of the Sea Turtles from the movie "Finding Nemo". I'm convinced that he can do this voice so well because it's how he talked while he was in college, the ENTIRE 6 years he was there. Oh yeah, did I mention college was happy fun drunk stoned time for Jason? If only we could all of had that all expenses paid vacation on our parent's tab.
I've been known to "get down". Ok, not really. I am definately NOT the party girl. I've never seen the appeal of getting so you don't know who or what you are. Please explain to me that. I mean really. Ok, you forget life for a while, however when you come crashing back, not only is life still there you have a pounding headache and an upset stomach on top of it all.
I'm not saying I'm a tight old priss. I enjoy having fun, just not where I have to obliderate myself for it. I have a CSM at work who has a difficult time believing that I'm a year older than her. She tells me my whole outlook and attitude is just one of someone so much younger. I'm pretty sure it's a compliment, I think.
They (I still have yet to figure out who the infamous "they" is) say that children help you be young. Well I must be freaking 12! I enjoy playing with the kids. I'm a hard ass when I need to be, but I really like the fun stuff too. Crafts and sledding and goofing off. I am the QUEEN of goofing off, thank you very much.
I mean, sure, if I were more "adult" I'd keep a cleaner house. I wouldn't have so many issues with budgeting our money. I'd be "responsible" and yet oh so boring, at least in my mind. That's just not me, and thankfully Jason understands that. I think Jason's "party years" have kept him rather young as well. After all, he was raised by folks old enough to be his grandparents. And when you are raised by your "grandparents" you tend to come out "older". At least that is MY take on it all.
We have a nicely insulated attic now. I think it was a debacle, though it did get completed. The first blower died. The motor went toast, and it took the outlet that my washer and dryer plug in to with it. I really need that outlet. Dad said he'd come by and fix it for us, thankfully. They took that blower back and got another. The guys kept clogging that one up.
I had to call in to work. I kind of lied, but not really. I really do have 3 sick kids and a hubby with a sinus infection. I just forgot to mention that the hubby was in the attic putting in fresh insulation. My brother got here at 3, which was plenty of time for me to get to work, however I really don't think he would have wanted to watch the kids. Or get up in the attic and put down the insulation while Jason kept an eye on the kids. Dad was outside loading the hopper. Jack came up with the idea of slowly putting in the insulation. Amazingly, even though it seemed like it took longer to do it that way, the time save from trying to unclog the hose every 10 minutes evened it out.
At 7 they were DONE! There is now a noticeable difference when you go upstairs. Oh wait, there is no longer a noticeable temperature difference when you go upstairs. It used to be that you'd go up and the temp would drop about 5 or 7 degrees. Now it is the same as downstairs and I think that it will work it's way to warmer. I'm really hoping we start spending less on the energy bill.
The girls' room still isn't done. I've been slacking on that. Remember that childish youth of mine? It also makes me a HUGE procrasitnator. Katy Beth comes next weekend, I'd like to have the walls painted by then, and the curtains at least made if not hung. I orderd some really cute curtain rods for in there. I'm going to have Katy pick out the bedding for their room. I'm torn between two different styles, I just can't make up my mind. Jayden doesn't care either way. I figure if Katy makes the choice, it'll help her feel like she has some input in it all and it's really her room as well.
Right now I'm up in the air about something else too. I'm trying to decide if I want to write a letter to Vyky's dad. Just to ask how she is, see if maybe he'll send me a pic of her. I honestly don't think he'll respond in any way. I don't know if I have courage to write and mail the letter. We shall see.
"Ok, so when I was in college..."
Folks, keep in mind, any story that starts "Ok, when I was in college" involves my darling hubby previously stoned or drunk or both and the fact that he can remember anything at all is VERY impressive to me.
"Um, you actually remember when you were in college?"
"Yes, now let me continue! So, when I was in college, my buddy Jamie, he's a guy.."
"I know Jamie, you've talked about him before"
"He had this girlfriend and her family invited a bunch of us up to her family's cabin on Torch Lake..."
"Yeah, you've told me about Torch Lake before too. It was a huge party."
"That's the one. Anyway, the girlfriend, I can't remember her name now..." to which I give him the look of non-surprise at that tidbit "and it was either her or her family, not sure which..." again with the look of non-surprise from me "and they told me about Michigan Flying Tree Frogs."
"Ok, what the HELL are Michigan Flying Tree Frogs?"
"If you would stop interupting, I'd tell you. It's when you fart and you blame it on the frogs."
"What?"
"Yeah, it's when you cut a righteous nasty one and you blame it on the frogs man"
This last statement was done is Jason's "Surfer Dude" voice, think of the Sea Turtles from the movie "Finding Nemo". I'm convinced that he can do this voice so well because it's how he talked while he was in college, the ENTIRE 6 years he was there. Oh yeah, did I mention college was happy fun drunk stoned time for Jason? If only we could all of had that all expenses paid vacation on our parent's tab.
I've been known to "get down". Ok, not really. I am definately NOT the party girl. I've never seen the appeal of getting so you don't know who or what you are. Please explain to me that. I mean really. Ok, you forget life for a while, however when you come crashing back, not only is life still there you have a pounding headache and an upset stomach on top of it all.
I'm not saying I'm a tight old priss. I enjoy having fun, just not where I have to obliderate myself for it. I have a CSM at work who has a difficult time believing that I'm a year older than her. She tells me my whole outlook and attitude is just one of someone so much younger. I'm pretty sure it's a compliment, I think.
They (I still have yet to figure out who the infamous "they" is) say that children help you be young. Well I must be freaking 12! I enjoy playing with the kids. I'm a hard ass when I need to be, but I really like the fun stuff too. Crafts and sledding and goofing off. I am the QUEEN of goofing off, thank you very much.
I mean, sure, if I were more "adult" I'd keep a cleaner house. I wouldn't have so many issues with budgeting our money. I'd be "responsible" and yet oh so boring, at least in my mind. That's just not me, and thankfully Jason understands that. I think Jason's "party years" have kept him rather young as well. After all, he was raised by folks old enough to be his grandparents. And when you are raised by your "grandparents" you tend to come out "older". At least that is MY take on it all.
We have a nicely insulated attic now. I think it was a debacle, though it did get completed. The first blower died. The motor went toast, and it took the outlet that my washer and dryer plug in to with it. I really need that outlet. Dad said he'd come by and fix it for us, thankfully. They took that blower back and got another. The guys kept clogging that one up.
I had to call in to work. I kind of lied, but not really. I really do have 3 sick kids and a hubby with a sinus infection. I just forgot to mention that the hubby was in the attic putting in fresh insulation. My brother got here at 3, which was plenty of time for me to get to work, however I really don't think he would have wanted to watch the kids. Or get up in the attic and put down the insulation while Jason kept an eye on the kids. Dad was outside loading the hopper. Jack came up with the idea of slowly putting in the insulation. Amazingly, even though it seemed like it took longer to do it that way, the time save from trying to unclog the hose every 10 minutes evened it out.
At 7 they were DONE! There is now a noticeable difference when you go upstairs. Oh wait, there is no longer a noticeable temperature difference when you go upstairs. It used to be that you'd go up and the temp would drop about 5 or 7 degrees. Now it is the same as downstairs and I think that it will work it's way to warmer. I'm really hoping we start spending less on the energy bill.
The girls' room still isn't done. I've been slacking on that. Remember that childish youth of mine? It also makes me a HUGE procrasitnator. Katy Beth comes next weekend, I'd like to have the walls painted by then, and the curtains at least made if not hung. I orderd some really cute curtain rods for in there. I'm going to have Katy pick out the bedding for their room. I'm torn between two different styles, I just can't make up my mind. Jayden doesn't care either way. I figure if Katy makes the choice, it'll help her feel like she has some input in it all and it's really her room as well.
Right now I'm up in the air about something else too. I'm trying to decide if I want to write a letter to Vyky's dad. Just to ask how she is, see if maybe he'll send me a pic of her. I honestly don't think he'll respond in any way. I don't know if I have courage to write and mail the letter. We shall see.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Where Have I Been?
I've been on hiatus it seems. Where did I go? No where really, however I've taken a break from a lot of things. Now it's time for me to get my groove back. I want to start posting here at least twice a week. I also want to regularly work on my other blog.
What's this, another blog? Well, yes Bob. It's a blog for my writing, my creative fiction stuff. I'm not sure if it'll be a continuing story or bits and pieces or how it will go exactly. Tis the nature of the creative beast after all. I've only posted there twice since it's birth, so who's to say. The link to this darling pet project is Serial Mommy's Muse and I ask you all to go give it a perusal and keep tabs on it and let me know what you think.
Lately I've been reading quite a few romance novels, or Bodice Busters as Jason calls them. I have been trying to figure out how to write sex in an appealing way. I'm finding in the Bodice Busters it's much too flowery. In Hustler and the like, it's much too crass. I'm trying to find the middle ground. I don't want to just say "They had sex. It was good." After all, that's not how I have sex, and I'm pretty sure others are the same, so why wouldn't I write it realistically?
We got a new printer/copier/scanner/fax dohickey. All right, I KNOW what it is, after all, I'm the one that set it up. The ink cartridges for our last dohickey cost an arm and a leg, and in all honesty, I don't think Jason wanted me to sell Izzy in to future slavery with the company in order to be able to purchase them, so I got something different. Now I get to try to figure out what to do with the old dohickey. I have a feeling it's going to make it's way to the basement or the upstairs storage room and sit there in the dust and dirt until it becomes a true antique about 20 or 30 years down the road. Maybe we'll be able to take it "Antiques Road Show" and find out it's worth something someday.
Now, the new printer comes with ink issues all of it's own. It came with a color cartridge, so I had to purchase the black one seperately. Not a big deal, until I got home and realized, wait a minute, there is a color cartridge in this box. Well eternal Damnation! Good thing I bought it at MY Wal-Mart (that's an entirely different thing, and I'll get to it in a second). I called up there and Bob (yes, that's his real name) told me to come on back. So I did, the manager approved my return, Wal-Mart usually doesn't accept ink cartridge return or exchanges, just so you know. I was going to exchange it for another black, however they were all out. Ugh. So I went across the street to Meijer, paid $2 more and got a black one. I come home, and for some reason the new printer is not recognizing the color cartridge. The one that came with the printer. And of coarse I'm doing all of this at 2 AM and the online chat closes at 11 at night. Whatever happened to all night support for us insomniacs? Long story made shorter, I get a hold of them this morning, the fix it solution they give me doesn't work, they tell me it's a problem with the cartridge and they will send me a new one free of charge. It'll be here in about a week. Whoop dee do.
Now, the MY Wal-Mart thing. I'm not sure why, but that is how we are supposed to think of it, as MY Wal-Mart. It even says on our registers "Welcome to your Wal-Mart". There is an Employee Stock Purchase Program. However, you have to be there for over a year, of which I am currently no where near. Go figure. I don't think that is quite what they are talking about. So I've gotten in to the habit of calling it MY Wal-Mart.
So this year is supposed to be the Year of Moderation. Yeah, not going so great, no big surprise there. I did get two new DVD's in my eternal quest to lose weight and be healthier. I've lost some weight, but let me tell you, it certainly isn't much more than a tiny drop in the bucket. I also keep telling myself that I need to dig out my ab slide. The fact that I have to "dig it out" should give you a big indication about how motivated I am to exercise at all, ever. However, I MUST do this in order to be healthy. Why does healthy mean I have to work out? Why can't I be lazy and healthy?
Izzy is the eternal terror. We have taken to calling him Tiny Terror. He will be 2 in just 2 short months, Heaven help us all. He is still very much obsessed with taking things OUT. This creates for a VERY messy dining and living room. Picking up only does good as long as he's not allowed back in to the room. Why must he take my books off the shelves and the DVD's out of place? Why oh why do they belong on the floor? His toys I can follow the logic on, but that stuff? And my yarn? If it has yarn, it MUST be out, at least it seems to be his line of thinking. At least he's getting some hair. And he's still cute. Trust me, it's the cuteness that keeps him going, because if it were just behavior wise, he'd ALWAYS be cooped up somewhere.
What's this, another blog? Well, yes Bob. It's a blog for my writing, my creative fiction stuff. I'm not sure if it'll be a continuing story or bits and pieces or how it will go exactly. Tis the nature of the creative beast after all. I've only posted there twice since it's birth, so who's to say. The link to this darling pet project is Serial Mommy's Muse and I ask you all to go give it a perusal and keep tabs on it and let me know what you think.
Lately I've been reading quite a few romance novels, or Bodice Busters as Jason calls them. I have been trying to figure out how to write sex in an appealing way. I'm finding in the Bodice Busters it's much too flowery. In Hustler and the like, it's much too crass. I'm trying to find the middle ground. I don't want to just say "They had sex. It was good." After all, that's not how I have sex, and I'm pretty sure others are the same, so why wouldn't I write it realistically?
We got a new printer/copier/scanner/fax dohickey. All right, I KNOW what it is, after all, I'm the one that set it up. The ink cartridges for our last dohickey cost an arm and a leg, and in all honesty, I don't think Jason wanted me to sell Izzy in to future slavery with the company in order to be able to purchase them, so I got something different. Now I get to try to figure out what to do with the old dohickey. I have a feeling it's going to make it's way to the basement or the upstairs storage room and sit there in the dust and dirt until it becomes a true antique about 20 or 30 years down the road. Maybe we'll be able to take it "Antiques Road Show" and find out it's worth something someday.
Now, the new printer comes with ink issues all of it's own. It came with a color cartridge, so I had to purchase the black one seperately. Not a big deal, until I got home and realized, wait a minute, there is a color cartridge in this box. Well eternal Damnation! Good thing I bought it at MY Wal-Mart (that's an entirely different thing, and I'll get to it in a second). I called up there and Bob (yes, that's his real name) told me to come on back. So I did, the manager approved my return, Wal-Mart usually doesn't accept ink cartridge return or exchanges, just so you know. I was going to exchange it for another black, however they were all out. Ugh. So I went across the street to Meijer, paid $2 more and got a black one. I come home, and for some reason the new printer is not recognizing the color cartridge. The one that came with the printer. And of coarse I'm doing all of this at 2 AM and the online chat closes at 11 at night. Whatever happened to all night support for us insomniacs? Long story made shorter, I get a hold of them this morning, the fix it solution they give me doesn't work, they tell me it's a problem with the cartridge and they will send me a new one free of charge. It'll be here in about a week. Whoop dee do.
Now, the MY Wal-Mart thing. I'm not sure why, but that is how we are supposed to think of it, as MY Wal-Mart. It even says on our registers "Welcome to your Wal-Mart". There is an Employee Stock Purchase Program. However, you have to be there for over a year, of which I am currently no where near. Go figure. I don't think that is quite what they are talking about. So I've gotten in to the habit of calling it MY Wal-Mart.
So this year is supposed to be the Year of Moderation. Yeah, not going so great, no big surprise there. I did get two new DVD's in my eternal quest to lose weight and be healthier. I've lost some weight, but let me tell you, it certainly isn't much more than a tiny drop in the bucket. I also keep telling myself that I need to dig out my ab slide. The fact that I have to "dig it out" should give you a big indication about how motivated I am to exercise at all, ever. However, I MUST do this in order to be healthy. Why does healthy mean I have to work out? Why can't I be lazy and healthy?
Izzy is the eternal terror. We have taken to calling him Tiny Terror. He will be 2 in just 2 short months, Heaven help us all. He is still very much obsessed with taking things OUT. This creates for a VERY messy dining and living room. Picking up only does good as long as he's not allowed back in to the room. Why must he take my books off the shelves and the DVD's out of place? Why oh why do they belong on the floor? His toys I can follow the logic on, but that stuff? And my yarn? If it has yarn, it MUST be out, at least it seems to be his line of thinking. At least he's getting some hair. And he's still cute. Trust me, it's the cuteness that keeps him going, because if it were just behavior wise, he'd ALWAYS be cooped up somewhere.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Happy New Year and All That Jive
So it's a New Year. This is to be the Year of Moderation, at least in theory. I don't know if it's going well or not, but most likely not. Tis the way of life if you ask me.
Izzy is now a "big boy". He is officially sleeping upstairs in what is now the Boys' room, no longer just James' room. *sigh* How did he get so big and grown? He is on what used to be the top bunk of the bunk beds. I rearranged the room so that one side of the bed is against the wall and the outer side is the one that used to have the full length railing, which Jason put back on so Izzy won't fall out while he tosses and turns. I also picked him up a new bedding set tonight. It is this set. I think that for James' belated birthday gift I will get him this set, to coordinate with Izzy's. Izzy isn't using pillows yet, at least not regular sized ones, maybe I'll pick him up some when I pick up James' set.
The girls room is slowly progressing, thanks to Jason. He has done quite a bit of work up there. One of my goals for the New Year is to work on their room every day that I don't work at Wal-Mart. My goal is to have it all the way painted by the end of January. I'd love to say it will be all done, however I'm not going to shoot myself in the foot with that.
I think Jason and I have decided that we won't be painting any more walls. We have peeling wallpaper under the paint on our walls. So we need to peel the wallpaper up. However, because our house is so old, we have plaster walls under that, real honest to goodness plaster walls. The wall paper is acting as a protector to those walls, like the layer of paper on the top of drywall. So when we strip the wallpaper, we'd have to put up something else to help protect the plaster. I think we are going to just go with more wall paper. I like this idea because it does open a huge array of designs and color possibilities for decorating. Also I won't have to tape off and paint.
The kids go back to school tomorrow, can I get a Big HOORAY??? I love my children dearly, however they do help create the choas and really don't do much to contain it. Right now, my dining room looks like Tornado Issac hit it. I'd say Hurricane, however there was little to no precipitation when the storm went through.
The nurse from the mid-wives office called me back on Friday after I had left for work, of coarse. She left a message on the voice mail telling me that the results that they have gotten back are normal. I will be calling them tomorrow to ask for more details and to see if they have any other results. Patty, the mid-wife I saw when I went it, ordered enough labs to be done that they took 10 vials of blood! 10! We also discussed other possibilities for the miscarriages. She said she strongly feels it's either developmental/chromosonal as the baby is forming or I'm not producing enough progesterone to suppor the pregnancy beyond a certain point. So the solution is 2 fold. She prescribed for me to take a daily vitamin, though I take 2 children's chewables because the grown up ones don't agree with my stomach and make me throw up, and 2 mg of folic acid a day. She also told me that once I do become pregnant, she will have me come in and do another blood draw and test my hormone levels. Then she will most likely prescribe for me to be on a progesterone suppository for 12 weeks or more.
Jason and I have decided a couple of things. First off is if we have another loss, we won't be trying for another baby after that. The 2nd thing is once our birthdays arrive in June, we will sit down and discuss if we want to continue trying or if we are going to be done and Jason is going to do the follow up with permanent measures to prevent. While we both would love another baby, we do not want to keep doing this for forever.
I'm going to have to say Christmas was a success for the kids. They received quite a bit of stuff. Now it's just a matter of trying to find a place for it all.
With Izzy's crib now taken down and stored upstairs, I have my office space back. I'll be working on reorganizing the mess in here tomorrow. I bought a filing cabinet last night and my hope is that will help.
Izzy is now a "big boy". He is officially sleeping upstairs in what is now the Boys' room, no longer just James' room. *sigh* How did he get so big and grown? He is on what used to be the top bunk of the bunk beds. I rearranged the room so that one side of the bed is against the wall and the outer side is the one that used to have the full length railing, which Jason put back on so Izzy won't fall out while he tosses and turns. I also picked him up a new bedding set tonight. It is this set. I think that for James' belated birthday gift I will get him this set, to coordinate with Izzy's. Izzy isn't using pillows yet, at least not regular sized ones, maybe I'll pick him up some when I pick up James' set.
The girls room is slowly progressing, thanks to Jason. He has done quite a bit of work up there. One of my goals for the New Year is to work on their room every day that I don't work at Wal-Mart. My goal is to have it all the way painted by the end of January. I'd love to say it will be all done, however I'm not going to shoot myself in the foot with that.
I think Jason and I have decided that we won't be painting any more walls. We have peeling wallpaper under the paint on our walls. So we need to peel the wallpaper up. However, because our house is so old, we have plaster walls under that, real honest to goodness plaster walls. The wall paper is acting as a protector to those walls, like the layer of paper on the top of drywall. So when we strip the wallpaper, we'd have to put up something else to help protect the plaster. I think we are going to just go with more wall paper. I like this idea because it does open a huge array of designs and color possibilities for decorating. Also I won't have to tape off and paint.
The kids go back to school tomorrow, can I get a Big HOORAY??? I love my children dearly, however they do help create the choas and really don't do much to contain it. Right now, my dining room looks like Tornado Issac hit it. I'd say Hurricane, however there was little to no precipitation when the storm went through.
The nurse from the mid-wives office called me back on Friday after I had left for work, of coarse. She left a message on the voice mail telling me that the results that they have gotten back are normal. I will be calling them tomorrow to ask for more details and to see if they have any other results. Patty, the mid-wife I saw when I went it, ordered enough labs to be done that they took 10 vials of blood! 10! We also discussed other possibilities for the miscarriages. She said she strongly feels it's either developmental/chromosonal as the baby is forming or I'm not producing enough progesterone to suppor the pregnancy beyond a certain point. So the solution is 2 fold. She prescribed for me to take a daily vitamin, though I take 2 children's chewables because the grown up ones don't agree with my stomach and make me throw up, and 2 mg of folic acid a day. She also told me that once I do become pregnant, she will have me come in and do another blood draw and test my hormone levels. Then she will most likely prescribe for me to be on a progesterone suppository for 12 weeks or more.
Jason and I have decided a couple of things. First off is if we have another loss, we won't be trying for another baby after that. The 2nd thing is once our birthdays arrive in June, we will sit down and discuss if we want to continue trying or if we are going to be done and Jason is going to do the follow up with permanent measures to prevent. While we both would love another baby, we do not want to keep doing this for forever.
I'm going to have to say Christmas was a success for the kids. They received quite a bit of stuff. Now it's just a matter of trying to find a place for it all.
With Izzy's crib now taken down and stored upstairs, I have my office space back. I'll be working on reorganizing the mess in here tomorrow. I bought a filing cabinet last night and my hope is that will help.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)