Girls and Horses

And other stuff too. However, I started reading another blog and it's about a woman who lives out on a cattle ranch with her cowboy hubby and their four kids. It got me thinking about girls and horses and their absolute attraction and fascination with those majestic creatures.

It's usually young girls who have the obsession with horses. They find them sleek and beautiful and muscular and strong and tender and caring. Which they are. I think this attraction to horses carries over to our (women in general) attraction to the opposite sex. It's what we look for in our men. Read that list. Doesn't it sound familiar to you? You had a list similar to that when you were looking for "The One". I know you did, I did too.

So even as pre-pubescent, pre-hormonal children we are already setting ourselves up for our "ideal". Wow. Talk about deep. And a HUGE letdown.

Look at your spouse/significant other now. How close are they to that list? Did you settle? I don't think so. I think something else happened. You fell in love and realized that there was so much more than that list. And THAT is what being a grown up is about.

The Funny Thing About Depression.

All right, I admit it, there really ISN'T anything funny about depression, however that's how the statement goes. "The funny thing about..." and then you fill in your word of choice. Depression isn't a feel bad all the time never ending kind of thing. It has highs and lows. Sometimes you are at a high and you feel pretty damn good and then you are at a low and wonder what the hell was the point of waking up.

Right now, I'm in a mid to mid-high range. I think the weather break has helped. I also think just accepting it and taking it a day at a time has helped too. I just want to be "better". However, I don't even know what "better" IS. What would I do if I were better? How would I behave? Would the things that matter to me now still matter? What about the people? Would they still be as important to me?

There are so many fears associated with being "better" that I resist it. I know many people do. It's why you put off going to the doctor for as long as possible. You don't know what "better" will bring, and being as you are now isn't so bad. You adjust yourself to the "issues" associated with whatever ails you and you keep on going about your day.

So I've been told that exercise will help you feel less depressed. So I've been trying to exercise regularly. I know that losing some weight (a good 75-80 pounds at least) would really be beneficial to my health. I HATE exercise. It sucks. It requires so much effort. I have yet to see any actual benefits from it. I'm not really feeling "better" and the scale certainly isn't moving down. In fact, that horrid scale is moving UP. UGH.

I haven't reached 300 pounds yet, but it is slowly creeping up on me, much to my disdain and fear. Jason still finds me sexually attractive, which I completely don't understand. I feel like a big blob. He wants to jump my bones however. I ask him how he feels to know that I've gained about 50 pounds since we've been together. His response is "well, that's fine. You should work on it though, so you can be healthy. That doesn't change my attraction to you however." Damn man is so thoughtful and considerate. He won't even call me a blob.

I'm messed up, I acknowledge that fact. Now, how do I get to the point where the messed up isn't so directly influencing my life? What steps do I take so that a healthier and happier me has control of the reins? Do I read that horrid self-help book that that one therapist kept trying to shove on to me? I HATE self-help books. I honestly feel that if you need to read a book on how to help yourself, you should be locked up somewhere. Why read about it when you can go out and live it? Self-help books are so droll and boring anyway. How can a person actually get through one? The one that was being recommended to me even had a an accompianing workbook. How silly is that?

I don't know if I'm upset with Jason or not and his HUGE reluctance to go back to school. He wants a job where he can make more money, better support his family. Yet he is so unwilling to do the one thing that would make that a possibility. A reality. The degree he has now, while it IS a Bachelor's Degree, it is also pretty useless. He didn't learn how to make money taking photos, he just learned how to take photos. Which he does very well I might add. However, it's certainly NOT something he can support a family on.

My step-dad had a stroke about 3 weeks ago. It was a "minor" one. How you can have a "minor" anything when it comes to the brain I don't know. He is recovering well. Going to OT and has started back on his meds (the ones he should have been on all along). Generally taking better care of himself. My mom is tired. So very very tired. To her, my step-dad is like Jason. He was for her. She started dating him for herself. Not because she wanted someone to parent her kids. Not because she was alone. But becuase she wanted to. That is exactly what I went through with Jason.

Jason was for me. He was my friend with benefits. My get to know you guy. My one to go out and have fun with without the responsibility or worry of anyone else but myself. When he and I started dating, I kept the kids away from him. I didn't want him to get attached to them before me. If we were to seperate, I didn't want him to stick around because of them either. Slowly it developed in to more. I fought it too. I fought it like no other. The absolute dedication he showed to me frightened me. He didn't care. He wanted me, he needed me, he LOVED me. Truly, honestly, completely.

NOONE had EVER done that before. It had always been for getting me in to bed. Getting attached to my kids. That's what kept them around. It was never real and honest. I was always in control of myself. I knew I could let them leave and I would heal. I would cry and mourn their loss, but I would get over it. However, Jason was and still very much IS different. My biggest fear is losing my husband. I know he'll never leave of his own choice. So if I were to lose him, it would be in a very permanent way. I don't know how I will be able to keep going if that were to come to pass. I hope every day that it doesn't.

Depression is a crapper because it makes you not care. Not care about your life. Not care about what happens to your loved ones. Not give a flying rat's ass about a damn thing. You quit your job. You blow your money on crap. You sabotage your life. After all, what does it matter? Life is crap anyway.

I'm trying so very hard this time around to not do those things. I am trying to look at it all and go "now wait a minute, what the hell are you thinking?" I don't really like my job, after all, no one grows up to say "I want to work at Wal-Mart when I grow up". However I STILL have my job, which is a big difference than previous depressive boughts. I still have my husband because I haven't gone out and done things to sabotage our relationship. I still have my kids because I haven't sent them off to bum fuck egypt because I screwed up my life.

The depression is residual from the crap I went through as a kid. It is also genetic. So I'm fighting it on two fronts. How is that even fair? On the one front, I don't know if I'll ever be ready to face those demons. On the other, there is no facing anything, it's just how I am. Like James. He's "programmed" the way he is, no fighting it. He can take meds to help with it, but there is no real changing it.

Why don't I do depression meds? I could, I supposed. Aside from the fact that I'd have to pay for them out of pocket because I have no insurance, I don't like how they make me feel. I don't feel "better" while taking them, I just feel more tired. I've almost fallen asleep while driving when I was taking those meds. It was about 3 in the afternoon, and I had slept the night before, so that wasn't an issue.

So now I keep writing and working through it all. It's going to ramble. It may not be consistent in the frequency of posting. However, I'm going to try to work it out. Every day is a new day. I just need to take advantage of the new day as much as I can.

Warning, possible swearing ahead

I've been suffering lately. I guess that's the only accurate phrase for it. I keep it all bottled up inside. Letting it out only hurts me and hurts Jason, and most likely the kids too. I'm no stranger to depression. You can't have a life like the one I've lived and not know what the Hell that is.

I feel so damn tired all the time. I want to be curled up in bed, bawling my eyes out and sleeping. It wouldn't solve a damn thing, I KNOW that, however it's my desire at the moment. What the hell do I have to be depressed over? I've got a decent house, a wonderful husband, kids that are pretty damn good. Life looks great. That's the catch, it LOOKS great.

Inside I'm just a ball. And in all honesty, I couldn't even tell you what kind of ball I am. It's all jumbled and mumbled up. I know you all look at this blog and expect to see pics of those darling kids and the house and what not. Those will continue. But so will this. I need to get it out somehow. I can't keep losing it like I have been. Today feels like it's been an absolute waste of my fucking time. And everyone else's too.

Before you even go there, NO I'm NOT going to kill myself. That is the coward's way out. You don't solve a damn thing by just ending it all. You leave behind your old mess, and a new one on top of it.

This has just been one of those times for me where things just keep adding on top of one another. For starters, we actually decided to go with no more babies. I honestly don't believe it will happen. I'm so tired and worn out, I'm not sure I can do another anyway. Now it's just up to Jason to call and schedule the first appt to get the ball rolling on the big V.

I'm pretty sure that one of the oldest friendships I have has ended. It's not surprising to me, I saw it coming. It became all about her. It was what could she get out of it from me. However she just didn't have time for me when I needed her. We had some good times, so I'll choose to remember those and leave it at that.

The biddies are pushing for me to go therapy. Who are the biddies? They used to be our case managers for the services for James. We are in the process of going to a new agency, a pain in the ass in the first place. They really want ME to go to therapy. They feel I can't handle my depression on my own. Part of my problem with therapy is that my therapists always leave. After about 6 or 9 months, they find a better job and off they go, leaving me in the lurch.

They do know of one place in town where the therapists don't leave. The place deals with kids mostly. They will help adults, though only adults who have suffered through childhood sexual assault. Unfortunately, I am one of those adults. I, however, do NOT want to talk about that. I don't want to remember more than what I do. I know I do things that don't make any sense to anyone else, yet they make me feel safe. I don't really want to know why I do those things, what happened to me to make me feel like i NEEDED those things.

My life has not been easy by far. I know the childhood I had greatly influenced the adult I became, that I am still becoming. Jason, bless his heart, has nothing in his life to even begin to relate with mine. He wants to help, he wants to listen, he wants to help me heal, but he has no idea on where to begin.

I feel bad for Jason. I know there are plenty of times where I resent his "perfect" childhood. The mom and dad living in the same house with the three kids. The mom that cooked and was home when he was. He says he was lonely, that I can understand. However, he wasn't alone. He wasn't held responsible for much more than his years dictated he should be. He wasn't in situations where he should have been afraid for his life. He had fears. He was sheltered. Those things created their own idiosyncrasies. Though none of them are on the same plain as mine.

I feel so alone in dealing with all of this. In facing myself. In suffering through this horrid paralyzing depression. I force myself through the steps because I KNOW I have no choice, I must continue on. I have to for our family. I have to make it good and right. I can't let them down because of my own issues.

EVERYONE always says "oh, talk to someone". How do I know that will help? There are no guarentees in life. And what makes that stranger so much more suited to helping me? Because they deal with folks like me every day? Because they went to school to study folks like me? How is that in any way reassuring.

I won't do meds. I don't like the side effects. How is almost falling asleep while driving and not feeling a thing and STILL suffereing through horrid insomnia any better than what I'm going through now on my own. At least I still have the ability to feel and think. The meds make me blank. Completely blank. Or maybe I stop caring because I'm so damn tired, either way, it's not how I want to be.

So where does one go from here? How do I proceed in a way that is healthy for me and my family? How long does it take for one to be ready to go explore the deep dark forest of their past? What happens if I find the Big Bad Wolf? What if the Big Bad Wolf turns out to be myself?

I've been here, but not really.

I've been playing with the blog, if you can't tell, but I haven't posted in quite a bit of time. I wonder why that is? I'd think of great things to blog about as I was supposed to be falling fast asleep, and then come morning, they'd be long gone out of my head, with the dreams I am sure I had just dreamt and could no longer recall. Things have been "weird" for me lately. I really can't put my finger on it. That's not entirely true. OK, fine, not true at all. Jeez, you guys are like the Spanish Inquisition! :D



Anyway....

It's been babies. That's what has been taking my time, my mind. And some other stuff too, but babies is where I'll start. Jason wants to keep trying for another baby. I don't know if I really want to do that. I'm tired and worn out. I was told I'd have to test as early as possible so they could make sure that things are "going as they should" and there is ALWAYS the risk of something just not going right at all. I don't know if I even want to attempt to go through all of that again. I'd love another baby, I really would, but at what cost? And isn't Izzy a good note to end on? Do we really NEED another child? Jason's family line is continued through Izzy. Afterall, he IS a boy and he IS named Dean.

A cute little girl to dress up and be frilly with. An adorable little boy looking so cute and stealing his daddy's heart. Those are images I have stuck in my head, that I'm obsessing over. And yet, I watch our other children grow and mature. As they age and become more themselves than us, I realize I've got great kids. Really awesome kids. Even the one with issues is better behaved than most withouth "issues".

Izzy is becoming a ham, he's a clown. His personality is blossoming and growing with the days. He's stubborn and willful and silly and so funny. He'll do anything to get a laugh. Jayden is downright beautiful. She is amazingly so, and so determined to not be smart too, though she's failing that miserably. James is smart and insightful. The things he thinks on, things I would never dream to consider. He keeps me on my toes with his questions. Katy Beth with her brain. She is a gorgeous beauty. She is going to make the boys beg and cry for her attention. Though I have a feeling she'll be more interested in her book than the likes of them.

I know that once you have another, you can't imagine your life without them. That's how it's supposed to work. We have plenty of pics of our life before Izzy, however it's like looking in at someone else's life. There are so many who desire children so dearly. So many who want and cannot have for one reason or another. Are we being greedy by continuing this path? Are we setting ourselves up for more heartache and hurt?

Jason has been on a quest lately to find "himself". To find his guardian animal, his totem I guess is what he said. He's trying to find a peace within himself. I can't help but wonder why now? What makes now any different, any better of an opportunity than before?

Lately, I've been so tired and worn out I can barely function. I don't have the energy to do the basic every day things, let alone go on a spiritual search for the "me" that is missing. I've been trying to exercise regularly, though that resulted in me GAINING 5 pounds. What is up with that? And now that I've "rested" a week, I've gone back down in my weight.

Jason told me I was a "good wife" on Saturday. He said that it was because I was taking all the kids to the park to play and not making him go with us, allowing him some much needed "alone" time. Though he has said it at other times. I don't feel like a good wife. I don't do those "wifely" things that most women do. I don't clean. I barely keep up on the laundry. I'm horrible with managing money.

Speaking of money, I've been doing a really crappy job lately, so of coarse that has been weighing on me as well. I told myself at the beginning of the year that I would do better. I'm not. I am going to stop carrying my debit card. I am going to start using cash to pay for things. That way, I can't spend what I don't have. I need to keep up on our savings. I need to start saving more for the kids. I need to budget MUCH better. Between Jason and I we make enough, even without the added bonus of the child support, that it shouldn't be such a stupid struggle for us. But it is, and it's my own doing. Why haven't I just handed it over to Jason? Pride. Shame. Fear. I keep saying I CAN do it. I'm ashamed of it, that I can't do it. I'm afraid of his reaction. No, he has NEVER given me reason to fear, however old habits die the hardest, kicking and screaming the ENTIRE way.

If this is truly like my journal, I should be posting more often, and I am going to try to do that. It's now almost 1:30, and I feel my lids getting heavy. I must retire and try again tomorrow. After all, that's all we can do, right?

A Post of Pictures

I figure it's been a while since I've posted pics of any kind, so I'll do that now. A couple of weeks ago, when Katy was last here, I asked Jason to take some pics of the kids for me. So he obliged me oh so willingly. Here are the ones that I like the best.

First up was Izzy. I figured we would do the guy who would lose patience first. He still has pretty much no hair. It does make him look more "baby-ish" which I thinks is o.k.





Now to try the four of them together, not as easy as it seems. Why can't they all be smiling and looking at the camera at the SAME TIME?







This was SUPPOSED to be JUST the girls, but Izzy needed to be in the pics too. You'll notice that he starts to have his tongue out quite a bit, that's because he thought that raspberries were FUN!





Izzy finally got tired and hopped on down, so I got a decent one of just the girls.



Here are both boys. AGAIN with the tongue. I found that either Izzy had his tongue out, or James' hand was in front of Izzy's face. Why can't they just cooperate????



All funny faces. These are the "olders" and it seems that getting a decent pic out of them on their own is as easy as it is with them as a group. What is it about a camera that makes them do this?













It seems like I've been in a picture taking mood as of late. On Friday night, before leaving for work, I asked Jason to take some pics of me. Yes, I ASKED. Huge shocker for me. Usually, I run from the camera like the Wicked Witch ran from water. I had put forth some effort in my appearence, and I was feeling pretty, oh so pretty, hehe, so I thought I would have the moment commemorated. Now I just need to tackle, I mean sit Jason down and do some of him. Oh yeah, remember that comment I JUST made about making faces to the camera? I think it's genetic, because looking at these, it's like watching a slide show of "The Goofy Faces of Jamie".















And I'm going to leave you all on that note. It's just after 1 AM here, so I'm wondering if I shouldn't pop out the ole contacts and head off to beddy bye. Have a happy night.

I really am trying to post more, Honest!

Can you say sick? We sure can. It's been a couple of weeks and I'm pretty sure we've all been sick for pretty much that ENTIRE time. While James and Jayden seem to have recovered well, Jason and I feel as miserable as ever. Poor Izzy still has green crap coming out of his nose. Although, Jayden and Izzy are declared relatively healthy after their checkups this past Monday.

Last week I was SO busy. Oh my word. On Tuesday it FINALLY died down a bit, with me just having to work. The laundry is finally looking like it hasn't been done in years, the living room is beginning to come together. I got the curtain rods for the girls' room, now if I could just find the motivation to go up there and finish the last little bit that needs to be done. I also need to make their curtains.

I am finding myself with very little motivation to do these things lately. Not sure what it is, I just don't have the ooomph to go do it. The stuff needs to be done, I know that, I just am lacking the fire under my ass to get it done.

On a different note, I'm pretty sure that I've finally gotten through to Jason about his need to go back to school. Of coarse he doesn't want to, no one does. His degree is in photography at the moment. Not much can be done with that kind of degree in this area, even during GOOD economic times. For me to pursue my degree, it would take us paying for daycare out of pocket, along with me no longer working. For Jason to pursue his degree, it would require me working a little less, and to not pay for daycare, and his financial aid would help offset the lost funds of me working.

Jason is always telling me that he wants to earn more. This makes total sense to me. I always ask in return "what do you want to do?" and he never knows. He honestly doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up. Jason has amazing artistic talent. However, he doesn't want to do graphic design, it is a bit repetitious. Oh, and he'd need a degree in that. Or illistration. There is no market for that really around here, and he'd need a degree in that as well. Right now, Jason is qualified to work in retail and in a metal fab shop. That's about it. There isn't much money to be made in either of those fields.

I think Jason would make an awesome art teacher. Either elementary or high school. Middle school would be ok, but definately not a first choice. Because he already has a Bachelor's degree, getting the Education add on wouldn't be nearly as time consuming as starting out fresh. We'll keep talking it over, however I think I have found a fire for under his butt finally.

Lately, we've been trying to give James back his video game privelages. It only works so well. It seems that whenever he has them taken away he does much better behavior wise than when he has them as an option. I'm not sure why that is as it would seem the opposite should be true. Go figure.

Izzy will be 2 at the end of March. It's amazing to realize that much time has gone by already. I love the little guy, but he's a terror! He's certainly finding his mischevious stride! Though the talking is a slow coming, like I've said before, I'm pretty convinced that the growth of his hair some how co-relates to the growth of his speech abilities!

Me, personally, I am finding myself just worn out and down. I'm so very tired as of late. Everyone being sick on top of the rather hectic schedule is just weighing on me. I know I should exercise, it would probably help, but remember that lack of fire under my butt, yep it goes for the exercise thing too, go figure. I think it's pretty impressive that I'm posting here! I think to myself during the day about things I'd like to blog about, but then I just don't do it. I usually just spend my time playing on Pogo of all things.

Michigan Flying Tree Frogs?

What are those? Michigan Flying Tree Whats? So Jason comes to me last night. He says "Dude, I know what I'm going to write a kids' book about! Michigan Flying Tree Frogs!" To which I OBVIOUSLY respond with "What the HELL are you talking about?"

"Ok, so when I was in college..."

Folks, keep in mind, any story that starts "Ok, when I was in college" involves my darling hubby previously stoned or drunk or both and the fact that he can remember anything at all is VERY impressive to me.

"Um, you actually remember when you were in college?"
"Yes, now let me continue! So, when I was in college, my buddy Jamie, he's a guy.."
"I know Jamie, you've talked about him before"
"He had this girlfriend and her family invited a bunch of us up to her family's cabin on Torch Lake..."
"Yeah, you've told me about Torch Lake before too. It was a huge party."
"That's the one. Anyway, the girlfriend, I can't remember her name now..." to which I give him the look of non-surprise at that tidbit "and it was either her or her family, not sure which..." again with the look of non-surprise from me "and they told me about Michigan Flying Tree Frogs."
"Ok, what the HELL are Michigan Flying Tree Frogs?"
"If you would stop interupting, I'd tell you. It's when you fart and you blame it on the frogs."
"What?"
"Yeah, it's when you cut a righteous nasty one and you blame it on the frogs man"

This last statement was done is Jason's "Surfer Dude" voice, think of the Sea Turtles from the movie "Finding Nemo". I'm convinced that he can do this voice so well because it's how he talked while he was in college, the ENTIRE 6 years he was there. Oh yeah, did I mention college was happy fun drunk stoned time for Jason? If only we could all of had that all expenses paid vacation on our parent's tab.

I've been known to "get down". Ok, not really. I am definately NOT the party girl. I've never seen the appeal of getting so you don't know who or what you are. Please explain to me that. I mean really. Ok, you forget life for a while, however when you come crashing back, not only is life still there you have a pounding headache and an upset stomach on top of it all.

I'm not saying I'm a tight old priss. I enjoy having fun, just not where I have to obliderate myself for it. I have a CSM at work who has a difficult time believing that I'm a year older than her. She tells me my whole outlook and attitude is just one of someone so much younger. I'm pretty sure it's a compliment, I think.

They (I still have yet to figure out who the infamous "they" is) say that children help you be young. Well I must be freaking 12! I enjoy playing with the kids. I'm a hard ass when I need to be, but I really like the fun stuff too. Crafts and sledding and goofing off. I am the QUEEN of goofing off, thank you very much.

I mean, sure, if I were more "adult" I'd keep a cleaner house. I wouldn't have so many issues with budgeting our money. I'd be "responsible" and yet oh so boring, at least in my mind. That's just not me, and thankfully Jason understands that. I think Jason's "party years" have kept him rather young as well. After all, he was raised by folks old enough to be his grandparents. And when you are raised by your "grandparents" you tend to come out "older". At least that is MY take on it all.

We have a nicely insulated attic now. I think it was a debacle, though it did get completed. The first blower died. The motor went toast, and it took the outlet that my washer and dryer plug in to with it. I really need that outlet. Dad said he'd come by and fix it for us, thankfully. They took that blower back and got another. The guys kept clogging that one up.

I had to call in to work. I kind of lied, but not really. I really do have 3 sick kids and a hubby with a sinus infection. I just forgot to mention that the hubby was in the attic putting in fresh insulation. My brother got here at 3, which was plenty of time for me to get to work, however I really don't think he would have wanted to watch the kids. Or get up in the attic and put down the insulation while Jason kept an eye on the kids. Dad was outside loading the hopper. Jack came up with the idea of slowly putting in the insulation. Amazingly, even though it seemed like it took longer to do it that way, the time save from trying to unclog the hose every 10 minutes evened it out.

At 7 they were DONE! There is now a noticeable difference when you go upstairs. Oh wait, there is no longer a noticeable temperature difference when you go upstairs. It used to be that you'd go up and the temp would drop about 5 or 7 degrees. Now it is the same as downstairs and I think that it will work it's way to warmer. I'm really hoping we start spending less on the energy bill.

The girls' room still isn't done. I've been slacking on that. Remember that childish youth of mine? It also makes me a HUGE procrasitnator. Katy Beth comes next weekend, I'd like to have the walls painted by then, and the curtains at least made if not hung. I orderd some really cute curtain rods for in there. I'm going to have Katy pick out the bedding for their room. I'm torn between two different styles, I just can't make up my mind. Jayden doesn't care either way. I figure if Katy makes the choice, it'll help her feel like she has some input in it all and it's really her room as well.

Right now I'm up in the air about something else too. I'm trying to decide if I want to write a letter to Vyky's dad. Just to ask how she is, see if maybe he'll send me a pic of her. I honestly don't think he'll respond in any way. I don't know if I have courage to write and mail the letter. We shall see.