Swimming at Sea, Searching

I don't know what I'm searching for. I'm searching for "myself" really, but what in the hell does that actually MEAN? Is it defined, or just experienced. Is it what I do, or how I live, or what I think? Am I defined by my politics, my religion, my life choices?

I'm a wife, a mother, a woman. I've always thought of myself as somewhat artistic and rather creative. I am a writer too. Writers are people who share, who want others to know what is going on with them, whether it's fiction or fact, it's all going on inside of them at that time.

Do my politics make me who I am? What about my religion, or lack thereof? I'm one of those people that I consider myself to be traditional in the aspect of my own family. However, when it comes to someone else's family, what goes on is up to them and who am I to tell them otherwise. After all, it's them that has to get up with daily, not me.

Who am I in reference to my children, my husband? What is Wife and Mom? How is it that they perceive me, and is it how I want to be preceived, remembered?

Jason told me tonight that he is happy that I am at home now. I make things run smoother around here, make things easier for him. That's great, I'm glad I can do that for him. Does that mean I shouldn't work ever again? So that I can keep things "easier" for my husband?

Who am I as a wife? How do be a strong woman without stepping on my husband's toes, making him feel like less of a man in the process? That's been my big concern lately. I want to be a "good wife". However, I have yet to figure out what the hell that exactly is. Is she someone who is modest and doting and catering and never challenging? Does she cook and clean with no complaint, popping out babies to his content? Is she one to sit back and allow her husband to shine, and ignore her needs and wants at the same time?

I don't agree with that. I can't be meek and modest and mild. It's just not in me to be that way. There is no way I can be doting and catering and never challenging either. If I think what you have said, or what you think, or how you behave is stupid, or I don't agree, I'm going to say it. Why keep it bottled up? That can only lead to resentment. I'm not looking for salvation through my husband. I'm not trying to find God through him either. If I want salvation, I'll go straight to the source on my own, thank you very much.

The cooking and cleaning with no complaint. I'll cook, and I'm working on the cleaning, however complaint comes with the territory. After all, no one really likes to clean. Unless you are one of those type A personalities. I'm not. Neither is Jason thankfully.

I know I want my husband to be happy. I want my children to grow up well rounded and to be "good" people, caring and thoughtful of others. I also want them to be successful in their own lives, in their own homes. Meaning I want them to make enough money to not live with me for the rest of their lives.

Jason tells me he is happy. Especially now that I'm home. I'm still up in the air about being home. I feel the need to be here, but I'm going to miss leaving, going to work, being out and away for a few hours a week. During that time at work, I was Jamie. I wasn't Mom or SweetHeart or Cook or Maid or Babysitter. I was Jamie, and it was nice.

I'm sure I'm still Jamie. However, I'm also all of those other things when I'm home. I'm searching for the balance of Jamie and all those others. How do I fill so many needs, so many shoes, and keep myself in the end. I don't want to be 52 and wake up and say "Hey, where the Hell am I and how the Hell did I get here?" and have it be in a negative way. I want to enjoy my life to the fullest, and grow and explore as each day goes by. When I'm 52, I don't know where I'll be, I don't know what I'll be doing, but I want to know that I enjoyed it all while I got there. I know there will be difficult times, I don't live in a Utopian world after all, however, for the sum of all of it's parts, I want life, my life that I am living, that I am sharing most directly with my children and husband, to be one of joy and fulfillment. One that I know will bring me a smile when I think of it.

Prayers and blessings everyone. Wish me luck on this journey. I'm sure I'm going to need it. Tomorrow there will be a new post on my other blog. Remember, don't go there unless you are OK with reading stuff in "adult situations".

Thankful Thursday

I'm going to try to do something a little new and different. I want to have more positive posts about my life as well as still the venting. So I'm going to dedicate one day a week to being thankful right here. Thankful Thursday. Let's see how it goes.

Today I am thankful for my home. For the money that pays the bills to keep the lights on and the water flowing and the internet humming. I'm thankful that both Jason and I have jobs because in this economy, especially in this state, those are hard to come by. I'm thankful for Jason's recent raise. I feel that they looked at my husband and gave him a raise that reflected his true value and worth to his company. I'm thankful for the time with all of my children together. They are wonderful and amazing and bright and I laugh and smile at them and with them each day.

When I stop to think about it, I'm thankful for a lot. A lot more than I listed even. It's so easy to get caught up in the drudgery of the day to day. The tiny fights and arguments and things that just make you wonder what the hell you are bothering for. I think it's important to stop and look out your window and see the grass growing or the wind blowing or the rain falling and realize that there is so much more out there that could be wrong, that it's nice to say "It's good what I have".

Lately I've been finding I need to find an inner peace. I need to be happier with what is right here in front of me, because it truly is wonderful and fulfilling. By keeping calm myself, my home runs more smoothly. There are less arguments and bickering because everyone else doesn't have the added stress of yelling and dissatisfaction.

I'm being honest with myself, honest with the kids. If they want something we don't have, that we don't have the money to get, I tell them. They appreciate the honesty and accept the answer. They understand what it means when I say "I'm sorry, we can't do that, I figured we would all like to have electric lights and running water so I paid the bills instead".

I used to take the money and spend it willy nilly. The bills were getting paid, but haphazardly. It was healthy for any of us. We were always at risk of losing it all, and the entire blame would have been mine. My life had been in survival for so long. Jason is stability, he has been since we have been together. However, I created instability to keep that survival mode going. After all, I didn't know anything else.

A calmer, slower, more secure life is what we all need, what we all desire. Be acknowledging in myself that I was creating the havoc, creating the chaos, I can now work on changing it. It won't happen over night. Habits are hard to break, and some more than others. However, I need to try. I need to try for the sanctity and security of my family, of my home, of my marriage, of myself.

Prayers and blessings to all you readers of my words, of my words. May peace and security and thankfulness find you too.