The Things That Come to Mind

I'm a thinker. My brain just doesn't shut off. I don't sleep overly sound. I wake up a few times in the night usually. My point is that I'm constantly thinking of things. Things I want to do, things I want to post, that kind of thing.

At this moment, these are things I'm thinking. Hey, it's Nablopomo folks, you should EXPECT randomness like this!

Jason needs to take more pics of the family. I need to take more pics of the family. We have a great camera but we hardly ever use it. I think a lot of the kids' lives are getting left behind as memories and not being documented. I'm never in the pics, nor Jason. So we need more pics of each other too. We used to take pics all the time. I wonder why we stopped?

Everyone has issues with their In-Laws. It's just how it goes. Why? I have a theory. We go all of our lives with our family. Our mom and dad and aunts and uncles and siblings and grandparents and cousins and what not. That is our family. When we become seriously involved with someone else, either in a very long term committed relationship or legal marriage, the other person's family is SUDDENLY our own. We have all these NEW people who have their own way of doing things, of saying things, of thinking and being, and we are told "This is your family now. Treat them as you would your own." It's SO hard to do that.

In your own family, the one you grew up with, your personalities may clash. Hell, they WILL clash. However, you grow up with "You can't choose your family". So you deal with it. You have your whole life to learn how to handle the clashes. You learn what to say or not to say, how to behave, that kind of thing. With In-Laws, you don't have your whole life to adapt. You are given no warning. You don't know if you'll clash or not. You'll be yourself, and find out that it rubs one or some or all of them in a way that you just didn't intend. You will go about doing your "usual" thing and find out someone takes serious offense with it. You weren't trying to upset or offend, you just didn't know. You are a stranger to them, and they to you. It leads to all kinds of stress and strife for your partner. After all, it is THEIR family causing the issues. Very rarely do we stand up and say "You know, I could of handled that differently and I take the blame. " It's usually more like "YOUR family is crazy/insane/stupid/etc..." Maybe if we all just stood up and said "I'm sorry I don't get along with so-and-so. I will try harder in the future." I think it'd bring a lot more peace to everyone.

I love to bake. I hate the clean up. I'd LOVE a Kitchen Aid mixer, one with a bread hook along with the mixing beaters. I'd make so much bread! It's a dream, on the list of things I'd like to get someday. Maybe with our income tax return this year. Maybe not, I don't know yet. I think it will depend on what else we need to pay, what else needs the money infusion. I know I have my sister's wedding that I need to set aside money for. The bridal shower, the dress, the bachelorette party, etc. It's a nice dream at least.

I hate to clean. It sucks. It almost seems like a pointless endeavor. I mean, why am I cleaning? It's just going to get trashed again by one of the kids, usually the youngest and the one that disciplining is least effective with. *SIGH* I KNOW it NEEDS to be done, but that doesn't make me more inclined to WANT to do it.

ChaCha. It's work. The people using it ask silly questions. Stupid questions. Lots and lots of sex related questions. Can people REALLY be THAT clueless about the sexual things they are asking, or are they just asking to see if they can get an answer? All the questions get answered by the way. Sometimes I answer questions, but more often than not, I send them off to someone else to answer. It's a way to earn some money from home and I'm not going to argue with it.

Why is life so tiring lately? Why is it wearing me down so damn much. Jason says it's because I'm tired. Why am I so tired I asked. He said because I take care of the kids all the time. I can very much see that. Oh, and the messy house makes me tired just looking at it. Go figure. Jason said if I spent 1/2 as much time CLEANING as I did BITCHING about cleaning.....yeah, well, not cleaning means I don't need to clean it AGAIN, so .

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope this week finds you well.

Tired and Angry.

Yeah, that sums me up lately. Not really sure why. Read the previous post to find out what I'm going to do about it.

Sure we have money stress. Everyone does right now. It's how it goes, the cycle of life and all of that.

I'm tired and worn out and angry about it. Jason is feeling the brunt, but he also isn't helping it.

Ok, before I go any further, you need to understand that this isn't just a "Jason Bashing" thing. I write about all kinds of stuff. I love my husband dearly, with all of my heart. Lately, we've been having issues. Me with being angry and tired all the time and him with just being tired all the time. I feel that if he went for the sleep study using the machine, he'd sleep better. He doesn't want to be reliant on a machine to sleep. Damn stubborn man. On the upside, I'd be able to turn off the fan because the noise of his machine would work the same as the fan does for me.

I've been swearing a lot, and boy do I mean a lot. Last week fucking sucked. It's really personal, and super sensitive, so it's not something that I am going to share publicly. Those directly involved in my life know about it. It involved James and me and all kinds of crazy shit happened afterward.

I must rant against overzealous govermental types who are so so willing to convict before the facts are in and don't take the time to listen and understand to those they are trying to convict. I know karma will come back on them (her) but it's hard to keep that thought some times, especially when I'm the one being wrongfully persecuted. Thankfully, this time at least, the police weren't involved.

Which brings me to something else. What the HELL is wrong with my son?? Why can't he "function" like "normal" people? Admittedly, I often wonder what normal is. However, this just CAN'T continue! Lately he has decided that he wants to be a cat when he grows up! A CAT! And he's serious! What the fuck is that??? He goes around rubbing on people, purring, and hissing at them. UGH!

Welcome to my life and how I live it. I do have to ask, do you ever get to the point where you say "what the fuck is the point anymore?" and you just screw it up even more just because it's pointless? I know, it's self destructive. I get that. I really want to fix that way of thinking.

I feel like I'm getting no support from Jason. He wants a clean house, so I work on it. Last week was fucked, but other than that, I've been doing a pretty good job. Even with a cleaner house, he's always too tired. Too tired to be with us, his family. He wants to go off and lay in bed and read or sit in the office and play on the computer with the door closed. I don't even get the luxery of closing the damn door to the bathroom when he is home and he can go close the office door, for hours??? When I'm sitting on the computer, working on ChaCha, real work, paying work, I still have to get up and go break up fights and cook dinner and keep Izzy from tearing things up while he lays his ass in bed reading or sleeping or both! I get two days a week where I honestly get to sleep in with no worries. And more often than not, I'm woken up by a 2 year old screaming because Dad just isn't getting it or I'm woken by Dad screaming at the 2 year old or the kids because he's so damn frustrated with it all.

Yes, I'm angry. I started this post with that statement. I'm also tired. Worn out, bones deep weary, dragging ass sleep all day and all night TIRED.

I'm an insomniac. Sleep does NOT come easily to me at all. It is very very rarely deep and restful for any significant amount of time. I've tried medications. They either don't work well enough to put me to sleep, or I wake up groggy as hell. Either circumstance makes them not worth it. Falling asleep is hard for me. Staying asleep is even harder.

Oooh, I know. I can send the kids to "real" school and take a nap every day with Izzy. Yeah, that will work SO well. I'll be getting regular calls from the school about James. I'll be wondering if Jayden is actually learning anything because of her stall tactics. It seems like adding another headache to the mix, not alleviating one.

I can go back to work. Jenn told me last night I was happier when I worked. Part of me was. Ironically, nothing was being dealt with when I worked. I would come home and the kids would have eaten mac n cheese for dinner 4 nights in a row and Jason was barely eating at all. Jason would clean the main part of the house. Wait, he would pick up the main part of the house. The upstairs would get worse and worse. James and Jayden would just run around, watching movies and sleeping all day. Izzy would be constantly catered to or ignored, depending on Jason's mood. He would try, but he has said himself he prefers me at home, even if money is tighter. I might have been happier being out of the house when I was working, but when I was at home, it was just that much MORE I had to deal with.

If Jason gets around to reading this, he doesn't read this blog regularly, he will be upset that I didn't go to him about it, didn't talk to him about it. It wouldn't matter if I did, he'd just fall asleep. We are at an impasse. I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to make my end better, but I can't do his part for him. I'm amazing and talented, but that goes beyond my abilities. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if I actually felt like he wanted to be awake and spending time with us.

Prayers and blessings everyone. Try to find your inner peace. I think we all need that right now, more than ever.