Wow.

It's been forever since I posted and I've really been slacking off with only 1 or 2 posts a month. I didn't post anything at all in March, what was that about!?! So I'm going to update with a bunch of pics. I'm not going to back track their dates. I usually do, but this time I'm not going to. I'll try to include when they were taken in the post, but it will be current so that what pops up will be the most recent stuff and no one will have to go looking for old pics.

July is going to be a busy month around here. James and Jayden are each taking a class once a week. James will be taking an art class for an hour and a half on Friday evenings and Saturday mornings Jayden will be taking a cheerleading class. I am also trying to get her in to a reading clinic at Western. The tuition fee for it is somewhat expensive. I figure if nothing else, Jason and I will "donate" our birthday money to it. Gotta do what needs to be done, right?

I should be getting the results of Jayden's eval shortly. Jason has to go in on Wednesday and do his part of the question/answer game and then we'll have them. I am pretty sure that I'll be told that she has severe dyslexia, which I know already. That is what the reading clinic is for. To give us some help and ideas on how to approach reading with her differently. I've been doing some reading and I have found out that for some dyslexic kids, they don't learn to read until they are teenagers. I hope that it doesn't take that long for Jayden, however I now know a better way to help her with her school work. We'll keep on working on the basic reading skills as well as sight words, and I'll help her with her other stuff by doing the reading aloud for her. I'll also be having James do some reading to her.

I have an appointment next Friday, the 11th, for Izzy to begin the process of an evaluation to see if he qualifies for the Croyden Autism Program. We are hoping that he does. It's a 5 day a week, full school day, all year program. We are hoping that if he can do that for ages 4 and 5, then by the time he is ready to start Kindergarten, we can homeschool him. We are hoping that the day to day therapies will be enough to get him signing/talking consistently as well as get him to sit still and be able to focus on a task for a short period of time.

We have switched agencies so we are getting settled in with a new case manager. We have to have a case manager in order for James to continue seeing Dr. O with Community Mental Health. Dr. O is a psychiatrist and is the one that handles the meds for James. We are trying to get James in to a program that does a mentoring thing. He'd go with the trained therapist 2-3 days a week for about 3 hours on average. They'd go do social things. It'd be a way for James to work on those social things he has such difficulty with in a setting where I wasn't right there to directly and immediately monitor and correct him. Which is something that he is going to need to learn to do.

I tried my meds at a double dose today. The twice a day dose is what is "usually" prescribed. I see the doc on the 8th for a follow up and I like to know what kind of effects I'm looking at before I ask for med increases. I do this for James usually, but it works great for me as well. The difference is ASTOUNDING. I actually had energy. I wasn't put off by the enormity of my tasks. I just hunkered down and worked on it. I got the girls' room almost completely cleaned and reorganized. Tomorrow I'm going to finish that room and then work on the boys' room, the stairs, and the landing area at the top of the stairs. On Sunday it will be the playroom and I see that easily carrying over in to Monday.

Jason has the weekend off so I'm hoping that once I get the boys' room cleaned, he can go in and paint it. We've had the paint sitting in the basement for quite some time, it's just been waiting for the right moment. I also have a wallpaper border to put up in there as well. I want to try to find all the stamps that I was using for the girls' walls and get back to finishing that. I have curtains to make for all of the rooms as well. It seems like a lot, but I know if I just take it one day at a time and focus on the task of the moment it will all come together.

I have been reading the Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover. I've just started it. It is making sense, especially the part about the person in the mirror. I'm going to talk with Deb on Monday about some of that to see what she suggests. Having grown up without a lot of direction about money, personal finance, budgeting, prioritizing, and personal responsibility I am a bit lost in this at times. I know that Jason and I have it worked out that I handle the bills and I'm just trying to make sure that things get done. I want to make sure they are getting done better however, so we can actually start making progress toward our ultimate goals. I've been talking with Jason about what I've been reading. One thing I have noticed is that some of his suggestions are out of context for a larger family on a smaller income. The concepts are sound so we'll see what we can do with what we have.

I have energy to "work" now, which is amazing. I am still doing ChaCha but I am making a more concentrated effort on doing it. I'm also listing things on eBay. I'm starting with my maternity clothes. They are in good condition and I know I'm never going to need them again so they are just taking up space. It's also hard to find affordable plus sized maternity clothes. They don't exist but for a very few stores, and then they are rather expensive, especially considering they are meant for a short period of wearing.

James is gone with Linda for 2 weeks. He left this past Wednesday morning. Jayden will be going for 2 weeks in August. Katy will be spending about 1/2 of her summer with us, a fact that she isn't too pleased about. That is because she would rather spend the time with her friends. Thankfully Jenn and I are in agreement that family trumps friends. This also is kind of "make up" for the school year when she has commitments and that kind of thing that allow us to see her about once a month. We'd love for it to be more often but the 1 1/2 hour drive one way is also a bit inhibitive.

Well, I think that is all for now. I'll be back in the next day or so to post some pics. I'm hoping to make daily blogging a habit again. I'll be updating The Journey blog after my appt on Tuesday, or even Monday after I have therapy. Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Down to the Wire

Well, technically it is now July 28. The section is scheduled for Friday morning, the 31st, at 10. What is that, 3 days? Holy Hell. I'm getting nervous. This is major surgery people. I've had surgery before, sure, but it was TOTALLY unexpected. I didn't plan on falling and landing in such a way with James landing on me in such a way that my ankle would dislocate and break in three places and need surgery.

I've been induced before, sure. I've even known the date in advance. Those times, I had a good idea of what to expect. How things would go. What to do with the ONE baby once I got home. Sure it took adjustment, but I was COOL.

This time, I'm getting major surgery. I'm also bringing home TWO babies. I feel like I may end up juggling them or something. Like it's all a joke. Haha, made you look! Admittedly, I do worry about that. Only bringing one home. Yes, I KNOW I worry too much.

After the babies are out and home with me, I always look at them and wonder how it was that I even existed before they were there. How is it that I had a life that consisted of BEFORE them? This time it will be doubly so. I'm excited for it. I am anxious to see their faces. Nuzzle them close and hold them tight. Yeah, I know I sound sappy. Blame it on the hormones, OK?

I have my mind set that I am going to do this breast feeding thing. That I will give it a good effort. Maybe the baby wearing will help. I've got a really good breast pump. A good support system. I'm here all the time anyway. We'll see how it goes.

This week is supposed to be the finishing up of things that need to be done. Doing the last of the baby laundry. Cleaning up the office so I can use the crib if need be. Making sure that the bags for Izzy and myself are packed. Settling questions like "Should I wear jeans home from the hospital or a sundress?" I'm kind of waiting on the forcast to come out to answer that one. What movies do I bring to the hospital with me? Should I toss some excedrin and ibprofen in my bag, just in case?

Those are all questions I can answer. Then there are the ones that I can't answer. What am I going to feel like after the surgery? Everyone says it hurts like hell. However I'm already in pain 90% of the time - the other 10% is when I'm so passed out sleeping that I don't know if I'm in pain or not - anyway, so how would this be any different? Sure, it'll be a different KIND of pain, but pain is pain is pain. What about the meds they are going to give me, how will those affect me? I've never taken percocet or narco before. I'll have a morphine drip for shortly after the surgery. I've never had that either. The ONE time I've had morphine, that I can remember at least, was when I was in labor with Katy and all it did was make me sleepy. I probably had it after my other surgery, but I don't know for sure.

How will Izzy handle the new babies? James and Jayden will do pretty well I think. Katy Beth can practice her babysitting skills. Izzy is the one I worry about. He's just now starting to make more "conversational" noise, what if this causes him to shut down and shut up? How well will Jason handle the stress of it? Up until they are born, it's all me doing the taking care of them, they are IN me after all. He worries so much about making sure we have what we need that I wonder what having 2 more "mouths to feed" will do to him. I admit that the breast feeding comes in to play here again. It is more than the mouths that need to be fed however. It's the butts that need diapers and the backs that need clothes.

I do worry about me too. I'm prone to depression. Stress affects my milk production. Will I be able to care for two little babies who are up at all kinds of weird hours and still keep my cool with James? Will I do OK with recovering from the surgery while chasing down Izzy and caring for the new little ones? I wasn't kidding when I said my world would completely change once they arrive.

I know the blessings outweigh any of the negatives. I believe that too. I know that I will get through simply because it's what I do. I live it one day at a time and go from there. That doesn't keep the worries at bay, but it does put it in perspective. I think there is a good reason that we don't know what tomorrow will bring. How could we focus on today if we knew that tomorrow would change it all?

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you are able to keep perspective today, no matter how your world may be changing tomorrow.

How was Monday?

Well, around here, I was sick. Aching in the head dizzy and nausea inducing sick. However, I did do a couple loads of laundry, kept the kids fed, kept the house somewhat picked up, and completed 1/2 a puzzle. So not too bad. My eating I didn't log. I also didn't eat much of anything. It's hard to get excited about food when every time you stand or move your stomach churns. Blech.

Today I'm feeling a bit better. Not so much with the head pain and what not. It seems that everyone in the house has it. It all started with Jayden. It also seems that we each have our own version of whatever it is. Her strep test came back negative, so it's not that, thankfully.

I'm watching my nephew Allen and my neice Jessi this week. My brother Jack started a new job and while he will usually work evenings after his darling wife Christina gets out of work, his training this week is during the day. I'm home anyway, so what does it matter adding a couple of extra kids? They are pretty well behaved so that's good at least.

James has all kinds of appointments this week. He has a check up bright and early Thursday with his endocrinologist. And he has therapy on Thursday too. I'll be bringing the entire crew with me for those.

My food journal will be sketchy at best this week, however I'll be working on the housework as I come back from whatever it is that is making everyone in the house feel like crap.

This afternoon I'll be setting up the pool for the kids. I'll actually be setting it up BEFORE this afternoon, to give it a chance to warm up, however they'll be able to play this afternoon. I think they'll have a lot of fun, and it will give me a reason to get them all outside while I pick up the house and wash dishes and get some laundry folded.

On Thursday evening, we are doing family photos. We haven't done full family photos since Izzy was 2 months old. We do the kids individually each year around Thanksgiving so we can give them as gifts to family. We are all going to the park Thursday evening and Christina will operate the camera for the few shots that have all of us and Jason and I together. I am hoping they turn out well. They'll be done on film. We currently don't have a digital SLR, though it is on the wish list of both Jason and I for our income tax return next year. That along with about a million other things.

I hope you all have great days. Oh, and Miss Britt, it will get better. I know you want to reach through your screen right now and strangle me, but just take my word for it, it will get better. If it helps, think of how much worse it could be, that usually helps put it all in perspective. Prayers and blessings.

Where oh Where has Jamie Gone?

I know, I haven't gone anywhere, from here at least. However, I did take a leave of absence from the March Mommies. Why? Well, the reason is multi-fold really.

First off, the custody thing with Katy. I needed to focus on that, and I just wasn't. While the March Mommies are great, I using them as a distraction. Only but a handful even knew I was doing the custody thing with Katy. On the other hand, the other board I post on regularly, Four or More Mommies, they all know about it and get regular updates. Ironically (or is that coincidentally?) one of the March Mommies also happens to be a Four or More Mommy. However, I digress.

Another reason, Pregnancy. With a capital P. With this last time that I became pregnant, there were some others on the March Mommy board who joined me in that wonderful journey. However, they remaind pregnant, where I did not. This has made me angry and resentful. Not really AT them, but at their fortune to remain pregnant, or my misfortune, or however you want to look at it.

Simply put, it's not fair and that pisses me off. Yes, I realize life isn't fair. I've lived that lesson time and time again. There have been so many things in my life that just wasn't fair. I've gone through them all, trekked right on through and carried on to the other side. That doesn't mean I wasn't angry and resentful and all that stuff.

Birth is meant to be a happy time. It's stressful and worrisome, sure, but it should happy and blessed too. My anger and resentment should not be a factor with those women who, as we speak, are partaking in the last month or two of pregnancy bliss and discomfort. For some it may be the last time they do it. For others, just a point in the timeline of making their family "complete". They do not need to worry nor suffer through my angry attitude.

There is one woman on the March Mommies who recently was told that her only child is a miracle, that she may never be able to experience pregnancy again. Not through anything of her own doing, but an unknown factor of her husband. I sympathize with her pain. To be given the blessing of a child whom you adore and desire so strongly another, only to not have desire come to be. Prayers and blessings to you my friend.

There is another woman where her March Baby saved her life, literally. She had been told she had "fibroids" and while she was pregnant with her March Bundle they grew and became very uncomfortable. She was told the hormones of her pregnancy were causing the "fibroids" to grow and once her baby was born they would gradually shrink back on their own and cause her no more pain. This was not the case. At the beginning of this year, the "fibroids" hadn't shrunk, in fact they had gotten bigger and were causing her more pain. Her doctor tested them. She had Uterine Cancer. They had to do a hystorectomy (is that spelled correctly?). Her March Baby would be her ONLY baby. From what I understand, that was the plan of her and her husband all along, to have just one. However, to have that option removed from her, when she was just about my age (just a little younger, maybe a little older, but within 5 years either way) is heart wrenching and soul searching. It's not fair at all. She has gone through chemo. They did surgery, and it appears as though all the cancer has been removed. It does make you wonder if the extreme surgery would have been needed if tests had been done originally. That doesn't matter now, for what is done is done. Prayers and blessings for her on her long and painful recovery. The emotional scars will take much longer to heal than the physical.

These women have reasons to be angry and resentful too, I guess that's my point. I know a few others who do as well. Who have suffered only miscarriages, with no babies to show for their pain. Who desire children with all their hearts and souls and have not been granted them.

Why am I making this post? I don't really know. It was in my head and now it's here. I'm supposed to be healing. Writing my thoughts out so that I can work through the feelings. Today I happened to be thinking about it being July. And how far along I would be in that pregnancy that didn't last. It would be about the finish line now. That hurts and makes me sad. Makes me wonder what that baby would have been like. A boy? A girl? Big like Izzy?

There is a song by The Beatles called "I Will". Every time I hear that song I think of those babies that were lost. Simply put, Paul is singing about how he will wait forever without knowing your name if he must, but he will always love you. Yep, I understand Paul. Probably not in the way he meant it when he was writing it, but it speaks to me. There are some days where just hearing that song will make me want to cry, and some where I do cry, and then most where I just sigh and think.

So today it's Prayers and Blessings to all of you women who can understand my hurt. And to all of you who are expecting babies. Cherish those babies, because, unfortunately, no matter how you plan, life has a direction all it's own.