Down to the Wire

Well, technically it is now July 28. The section is scheduled for Friday morning, the 31st, at 10. What is that, 3 days? Holy Hell. I'm getting nervous. This is major surgery people. I've had surgery before, sure, but it was TOTALLY unexpected. I didn't plan on falling and landing in such a way with James landing on me in such a way that my ankle would dislocate and break in three places and need surgery.

I've been induced before, sure. I've even known the date in advance. Those times, I had a good idea of what to expect. How things would go. What to do with the ONE baby once I got home. Sure it took adjustment, but I was COOL.

This time, I'm getting major surgery. I'm also bringing home TWO babies. I feel like I may end up juggling them or something. Like it's all a joke. Haha, made you look! Admittedly, I do worry about that. Only bringing one home. Yes, I KNOW I worry too much.

After the babies are out and home with me, I always look at them and wonder how it was that I even existed before they were there. How is it that I had a life that consisted of BEFORE them? This time it will be doubly so. I'm excited for it. I am anxious to see their faces. Nuzzle them close and hold them tight. Yeah, I know I sound sappy. Blame it on the hormones, OK?

I have my mind set that I am going to do this breast feeding thing. That I will give it a good effort. Maybe the baby wearing will help. I've got a really good breast pump. A good support system. I'm here all the time anyway. We'll see how it goes.

This week is supposed to be the finishing up of things that need to be done. Doing the last of the baby laundry. Cleaning up the office so I can use the crib if need be. Making sure that the bags for Izzy and myself are packed. Settling questions like "Should I wear jeans home from the hospital or a sundress?" I'm kind of waiting on the forcast to come out to answer that one. What movies do I bring to the hospital with me? Should I toss some excedrin and ibprofen in my bag, just in case?

Those are all questions I can answer. Then there are the ones that I can't answer. What am I going to feel like after the surgery? Everyone says it hurts like hell. However I'm already in pain 90% of the time - the other 10% is when I'm so passed out sleeping that I don't know if I'm in pain or not - anyway, so how would this be any different? Sure, it'll be a different KIND of pain, but pain is pain is pain. What about the meds they are going to give me, how will those affect me? I've never taken percocet or narco before. I'll have a morphine drip for shortly after the surgery. I've never had that either. The ONE time I've had morphine, that I can remember at least, was when I was in labor with Katy and all it did was make me sleepy. I probably had it after my other surgery, but I don't know for sure.

How will Izzy handle the new babies? James and Jayden will do pretty well I think. Katy Beth can practice her babysitting skills. Izzy is the one I worry about. He's just now starting to make more "conversational" noise, what if this causes him to shut down and shut up? How well will Jason handle the stress of it? Up until they are born, it's all me doing the taking care of them, they are IN me after all. He worries so much about making sure we have what we need that I wonder what having 2 more "mouths to feed" will do to him. I admit that the breast feeding comes in to play here again. It is more than the mouths that need to be fed however. It's the butts that need diapers and the backs that need clothes.

I do worry about me too. I'm prone to depression. Stress affects my milk production. Will I be able to care for two little babies who are up at all kinds of weird hours and still keep my cool with James? Will I do OK with recovering from the surgery while chasing down Izzy and caring for the new little ones? I wasn't kidding when I said my world would completely change once they arrive.

I know the blessings outweigh any of the negatives. I believe that too. I know that I will get through simply because it's what I do. I live it one day at a time and go from there. That doesn't keep the worries at bay, but it does put it in perspective. I think there is a good reason that we don't know what tomorrow will bring. How could we focus on today if we knew that tomorrow would change it all?

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you are able to keep perspective today, no matter how your world may be changing tomorrow.

I've decided.

I'm going to start doing something Jason really doesn't want me to. He really can't give me reasons why, though I have my suspicions. It won't be an easy thing for me at all. I'm not going to particularly like it. When it comes to things I really don't like, I avoid them like the plague. However, it's gotten to the point where I can't do that any more. It's interfereing with me, with my family, with my relationships with everyone. Ironically, I'm not even sure what IT is. I can see it, I know it's there, but to say what it is, well, that is another fete indeed.

What is it I'm going to do? Therapy. Ugh. Go once a week, or every couple of weeks and talk with someone about what is bothering, what issues I'm having with life and try to get to the root of it all to maybe, just maybe, find some healing.

Why doesn't Jason want me to do this? This thing that may, or may not, find some healing and help improve who I am overall? I don't know for sure. However, what I THINK is that he wants to fix me himself. He loves me, he cares for me and about me. Maybe he feels that whatever is "broken" or "off kilter" he can remedy?

We've been doing it like that for quite some time. It's done some good. Hell, it's done a lot of good. I'm to the point where I need something more than just late night talks with the "Hubster". This doesn't mean I don't want those talks any more. Far from it. However, even after them I'm not finding the answers I need.

I know there are plenty who would say "turn to God". You have to believe that God is an entity out of your control in order for that to work first. I think my belief is that God is really ourselves. Sacrilidge! I know, I know. However, the mind is a mighty powerful thing, and we all have the abilities to change ourselves. Wouldn't prayer just be a form of self focus and meditation? However, I once again digress.

Jason does not have the life experiences that I do. He grew up in a completely different way than I did. Jason has never done some of the things that I have. He has never handled situations that I have. We have our lives together now. We got here from two very different points of direction.

Jason gets depressed. Maybe even more so than some people. When he was in high school and college he felt like an outsider, and did young kid kind of things, like drinking and fooling around with drugs. When he went home at night, he had a stable and loving environment to sleep soundly in, knowing that when he woke up the next, it would still be there and there was no threat to it, not really. Yes, he had trials and tribulations and the people around him did to, but it was NOT remotely traumatic, EXCEPT that his mother had breast cancer (which she beat) when he was in high school.

My life up to Jason was the anti-thesis to stability. It was chaos, pure and simple. Even as a child, I didn't know what to expect or when. There were years when I suffered through physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, some of them when I was at a very young age. There are many days when I sit down and look at myself and say "how the hell can I give my children what I never had, what I can only think of?"

Now don't go saying I'm blaming my parents here. Yes, they made mistakes, hell, they are people too. However, they did the best they could, or at least in theory they did. I'm not a judge. I do not get to say "You were wrong!" I wasn't in their shoes, thinking their thoughts, living their lives for them. I can only know what I know through experiencing and sharing my life with theirs. My perceptions may, or may not, hell most likely definatly not, be the whole story.

I'm done blaming myself on my past, my parents. It's time to let it go. To learn the lessons and let it lie. Every day, I get older and all of that gets 1 day further away from who I am right now, from who I was then. I need help in this journey. Guidance. Something that, while it will hurt Jason's pride, I know he can't give to me. Sometimes, he is the issue. That's honesty at it's best. I know there are times when I'm the issue for him. He has said as much.

There are so many things I want to do, want to be. Jason has no idea how to go about doing them. His response is simply "so do it". I run highly with self destructive behavior. I see it in me, I have recently begun to really recognize it. How I change it is another thing entirely. Do I want to change it? You'd think the answer would be yes. I know it SHOULD be yes. It makes me wonder though. By the way, it's not sex. When I was younger, that was part of it. Now, it's not.

Have you ever noticed how you are scared of change? What really is so intimidating about? It's just different, that's all. It's unknown. It is not how we have been doing things all along. When things are broken, wouldn't you want to fix them, even if the answer is something new and different and vastly unfamiliar? That's the kicker. Sometimes, broken is better simply because it isn't new. You can function in broken, you know what to expect (to an extent) and that makes it easier and less intimidating than new and different. However, it's STILL broken.

And that is where I need help. I need to find out how to get out of broken. How to brave the new and different and fixed. What if I don't like who I am? What if....well, that list could go on and on. It's not time to think of what if I do but to focus on what if I don't? I've never stopped to think of that part of it before. I need to. I won't fix the broken, change the ways, learn the new, unless I really grasp what could happen if I just leave it broken.

I try every day to get James the help he needs to be healthy and happy and grow up to be a good strong man who can care for himself, and maybe a family. Why would I fight so hard for him and not myself? Wouldn't it make sense that a fixed Mommy could better help the broken Son?

With that, I will leave this. I'll update on the therapy. Let you know how it goes. Share what I'm learning. Maybe it will help someone else. Prayers and blessings everyone.

How was Monday?

Well, around here, I was sick. Aching in the head dizzy and nausea inducing sick. However, I did do a couple loads of laundry, kept the kids fed, kept the house somewhat picked up, and completed 1/2 a puzzle. So not too bad. My eating I didn't log. I also didn't eat much of anything. It's hard to get excited about food when every time you stand or move your stomach churns. Blech.

Today I'm feeling a bit better. Not so much with the head pain and what not. It seems that everyone in the house has it. It all started with Jayden. It also seems that we each have our own version of whatever it is. Her strep test came back negative, so it's not that, thankfully.

I'm watching my nephew Allen and my neice Jessi this week. My brother Jack started a new job and while he will usually work evenings after his darling wife Christina gets out of work, his training this week is during the day. I'm home anyway, so what does it matter adding a couple of extra kids? They are pretty well behaved so that's good at least.

James has all kinds of appointments this week. He has a check up bright and early Thursday with his endocrinologist. And he has therapy on Thursday too. I'll be bringing the entire crew with me for those.

My food journal will be sketchy at best this week, however I'll be working on the housework as I come back from whatever it is that is making everyone in the house feel like crap.

This afternoon I'll be setting up the pool for the kids. I'll actually be setting it up BEFORE this afternoon, to give it a chance to warm up, however they'll be able to play this afternoon. I think they'll have a lot of fun, and it will give me a reason to get them all outside while I pick up the house and wash dishes and get some laundry folded.

On Thursday evening, we are doing family photos. We haven't done full family photos since Izzy was 2 months old. We do the kids individually each year around Thanksgiving so we can give them as gifts to family. We are all going to the park Thursday evening and Christina will operate the camera for the few shots that have all of us and Jason and I together. I am hoping they turn out well. They'll be done on film. We currently don't have a digital SLR, though it is on the wish list of both Jason and I for our income tax return next year. That along with about a million other things.

I hope you all have great days. Oh, and Miss Britt, it will get better. I know you want to reach through your screen right now and strangle me, but just take my word for it, it will get better. If it helps, think of how much worse it could be, that usually helps put it all in perspective. Prayers and blessings.