What makes it worth it?

This is one of those rambling posts where I contemplate the meaning of the universe. Actually, I just contemplate life and the circumstances right now.



I think I'll pepper this post with pictures of the things that I think make worth it. Just as a reminder for all those readers *ahem, my husband* who need a little shove.



Things are difficult right now. They are everywhere. It always seems, that while you are in it, it is most difficult for yourself. That self perception really can get in the way of the whole picture.



Things are hard. We live in Michigan. Jason has a full time job, thank the gods, however it pays $1.30 less than what he was making when he was laid off. Apparently, to one credit card company (Citi Bank of all people, didn't my taxes bail those jerks out?) the $2500 we owe them is worth garnishing 20% of Jason's pay. That takes a nice chunk every 2 weeks out. Admittedly that debt will be paid off in December, however it makes for interesting times now.



Me working outside the home isn't an option. We've talked it up and sideways and back and forth. Jason needs to sleep at some point. We can't afford the daycare for 5 kids for the summer months. Let's not even get started about the school year and even contemplating placing the kids in "regular" school, aside from the fact that it has been reinforced by doctors, therapists, psychologists/phychiatrists that homeschooling is in fact the best thing for them.



Where would I get a job that would let me leave multiple times a week for various appointments? Not to mention the phone calls each week to come pick up James because he "won't behave". I'm trying to do stuff at home. ChaCha. EBay. I found this search engine called SwagBucks. You earn points (bucks) and can cash them in for gift cards and payments to PayPal and the like. I figure it's a way to at least earn some money toward Christmas.



All of this is to simply say we are trying. Trying our hardest to make ends meet in a very difficult time. It's not just a difficult time for us, however it kind of feels like it.



We keep getting told that our kids are worse than we thought possible. We got a dx for Jayden. her IQ is 78. Average is 90-110. She couldn't even get in to a regular school in Forrest Gump's system (his IQ was 75) unless I did the principal the way his momma did. I don't think Jason would appreciate that too much, do you? She is always going to struggle to understand spoken and written language. Or maybe it's that she is born to speak a different language, one we don't know of yet? I was told that even the worksheets I've been having her work on are probably too much for her and we need to go even more relaxed in her schooling. That came from the psychologist that did her testing.



Izzy most likely is autistic. He's trying to speak more now that he's in OT. His words aren't any clearer. He says the middle of the words, the softest parts, the parts that require the least use of his tongue. He is gibbering away all the time now. It doesn't make any sense to the rest of us, but at least he's trying. Hopefully we'll be able to get him in to a special autism program in the fall.



My ped told me that our 2nd income should be from SSI for the kids. She also does not see how I could work outside the home. The hard part is convincing the SSI people that there is a need for them. That the difficulties I see every day are severe enough to impact them as adults. When you meet Izzy, it's obvious there is something going on with him, but not with James and Jayden. You really have to get to know them to pick up on it. That normality is deceiving and can be the downfall for the SSI. How do I explain to them what is going on? I have to pick up that defeatest attitude that my husband has been carrying around and portray it to the SSI Determination Board. It goes against so much that I see in the kids, but I understand it needs to be done. Apparently, I need to try harder. We've tried twice with James and have been told both times he isn't "severe enough". Jayden is the next one I'm trying for. Then Izzy. Then James again. I'd like to hire a lawyer to do it. But I think I need to be in the appeals part of it first.



Well, I suppose that is all for tonight. We have a therapist/family aid/case manager/someone coming tomorrow. There is someone coming at least 2-3 times a week for various things. There are that many appointments as well each week that I take the kids to. So I have to go pick up the living room now, so that it will stay picked up (hopefully) until she gets here at 10. I am hoping that if Izzy watches a movie or two first thing he'll keep his destructive mess making tendencies in check. Here's hoping at least.



Prayers and blessings everyone. Remember, that while you are in it, it seems like it is the worst possible thing and that no one is going through it, or has ever gone through it, nearly as badly as you are. Take yourself out of the perception and you'll see it really could be so much worse.



I wanted to add the footnote that all photo credit goes to JD Rhodes Photography. All rights reserved. Copyrighted 2010 and all of that. Please don't use my photos (as I am one of the JD Rhodes) unless you have permission. Thanks.

a rambling appt update and other stuff too

I had an appointment and ultrasound this morning. I have an appointment on Friday morning too, but it's more of a formality and meeting with one of the many docs more than anything else.

My weight was 296 so up one pound. That's 5 pounds total gained from my initial weight at 291 at 9 weeks. At that point my home scale said 286, which is what I was before becoming pregnant so I'm equating a 5 pound difference between home and doc office. They took my blood sugar, so they have a base level. The appointment was the MFM side of things and they like to have at least ONE on record. My blood pressure was high at 136/88, but it was also one of those automatic things (which recorded high last week too) and those seem to always come out higher than having a person do it. I think it's a little elevated, but it's also hot and muggy here, so retaining water and the headaches are part and parcel of that. I measured at 44 today. 3 weeks ago it was 38. I forgot to ask this past Friday what I was.

Both babies are currently head down and it seems like they are back to back. Jack's head is in my pelvis where it "should" be and Abbey is trying to edge him out, though she is up a bit higher. That certainly explains the recent increase in pelvic pain and pressure! For at least the last week I've had horrid pain my hips and it has felt like someone was driving their head between my hips and pelvis and shoving them apart. Now I understand it is actually SOMEONES and they are both doing it! They may or may not stay both head down. I need to ask on Friday if they'll do an ultrasound if/when I go in in labor to find out where the babies are laying.

Jack's kidney is fine. The dilation is right at where they worry about it being an issue, and it may in fact be a little smaller because he kept moving they weren't able to get a really good look at it. They want me to do kick counts, but it seems like a joke. How do I keep track of which baby is kicking, especially when they are both in what seems to be CONSTANT motion? Jack is weighing in at 4 pounds and Abbey is 4 pounds and 13 oz. I asked about the size difference, especially considering that up until now they have been really close together, and they are still within a close distance so I'm told that there is no worry there. I had to schedule an appt to go back in 4 weeks and have the babies measured again, however there is high doubt that I will still be pregnant then, so I just had her put me on the schedule for whenever and if it looks like I may make it that point, I'll reschedule it because it is currently set for 7:40 in the morning. Yeah right, I already know there is no way I'd make it to that appointment, not that early in the morning!

I'm going to pick up evening primrose oil and start taking that tonight. I'll start doing the vaginal suppositories next week once I hit 34 weeks. It has the added benefit that it helps stabilize my mood so I get that along with softening the very stubborn cervix. With both babies being head down, it'd be a midwife that delivers if I were to go in to active labor on my own. When I asked a couple months ago, I was told it'd be a midwife checking on me the entire time I was in labor anyway and the doc would only make an appearence once I was moved to the O.R. for the delivery and to "catch", which is something I'm very ok with. Now the trick is for my cervix to actually cooperate and open on it's own and put me in to labor. The contractions my body can do, it seems the cervix is the stubborn part of the equation. Once I get to 34 weeks they won't try to stop any labor and once the cervix gets to 4 cm they would keep me as being in active labor and delivering soon.

I reserved and paid for the kids' train tickets to Wisconsin today. They'll be gone from July 7th to August 4th. The come back date can be changed to a later date if we really need to because the babies are born much later (actually making it to July 31st or there abouts) than what the current thinking is. Honestly it'll be nice to have them gone for that long. It will give me one on one time with Izzy. Also things will be a bit more relaxed and less stressful, at least until the babies are born.

We are doing the final prep stuff to get ready. Jason has the next 3 days off (he had today off as well) so we are going to be focusing on getting our regular laundry caught up (so I can start organizing and getting the kids packed up) as well as getting the newborn and 0-3 month clothes and the baby bedding all washed up. On the agenda as well is getting the last bit of the office reorganized and getting one of the moses basket stands (we only have one, the coffee table will work very well as the other) up and reinforced (it's just 2 bars, one at each end of the basket right now, and are not comfortable with it like that). We need to try out where we are going to put the infant seats in the van. I'm thinking the far back and they can go in and out over the top of the back seat, but we'll see how that works. We'll get those installed once the older kids are gone and we no longer need those seats for them. I would like to sew another moses basket cover (the current 2nd one is fleece and I think it will be much too hot) but I don't know if that will get done or not.

The heat is really killing me, but we'll make it work. I need to pick up some box fans for the upstairs. We are on putting ceiling fans in up there, but right now, we have our focus elsewhere. I would like to get those in before the kids come back, or shortly after that. 2 of the lights up there stopped working anyway and they have to be replaced, so we are just going to buy fan/light combos. We know that having those in the 3 main rooms (boys room, girls room, play room) will really help with the air flow and keeping things cooler up there. Shoving box fans in the windows will help as well. They'll bring in the cooler night air and have the added benefit of keeping Izzy from pushing stuff out of the windows.

I'm thinking that is all for now, I'm going to go veg in front of an A/C unit until it's well after dark and then head to Walmart to pick up some much needed stuff, like stuff for my hospital bag that I need. I told the kids I'd make smoothies at 9, and it's almost then, so that MUST get done.

On a side note, no we haven't done the maternity pics yet. We were both just too wiped out after Jason's folks left last friday to do them. We waited until the last minute when I was pregnant with Izzy (it was just over 41 weeks when we did them).Considering Jason has the next few days off so they WILL get done. It'll give him a reason to hide in the cool basement setting stuff up during the day so once the kids go to bed we can do them.

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope your weeks are as mundane and rather same old as mine seems to be. Try to stay cool in this heat.

More Rambling Words

I haven't put it to Jason yet, but I'm considering talking to the midwife about just scheduling a c-section instead of attempting to do a vaginal delivery. I'm VERY up in the air about it. I know the recovery would be much easier physically with the vaginal birth, but there are so many unknowns going on with this pregnancy that maybe having that one known, knowing HOW they will be born may help me worry less. I know that we, as in the midwife and I, won't even really discuss it until i'm 36 weeks, but I'm going to put it to her at least when I see her in 2 weeks.

I'm tired tired tired. I went grocery shopping last night and I made sure to buy some foods I can snack on that have some higher protien in them. I got some Boathouse Farms Vanilla Chai Tea, which is SO good and has 10g protien per 8 oz serving. I'm going to make sure to drink at least one cup a day. I picked up some trail mix that has cashews, peanuts, almonds, raisins, and m&m's, which has 4g protien for a 3tbsp serving. It's a nice filling snack. I bought some of that pre made chicken breast chunks, so I can make a quick chicken sandwich (with buffalo sauce and cheese, yum yum) and I pulled the package of roast beef slices out of the freezer (yummy with cream cheese). I'm going to go digging for the ham (again yummy with cream cheese). I'm also trying to up my calcium because I've been getting charlie horses, something I NEVER got with my other pregnancies, so it's telling me I need more calcium.

I think I'll have Jason do some belly pics later tonight or tomorrow. It may not be til Sunday when we have family dinner at his sis's place. I'm sure he'll be bringing his camera (cause I'll tell him to) so he can play with it and get family photos and what not.

I need to touch up the part of the wall and the closet door and then I'm done with the wall painting in one part of the office. I need to take the stuff off of the book shelves and tape it up and start the edgework and painting on the other part of the wall. It has an L shape in the wall that is going to be dark, it's where the tiny closet is. I'm also working on getting the dining room rearranged a little so I can get some of my craft stuff out there. I'm nervous about that however because it will be a TON of drawers for Izzy to go through and toss stuff everywhere. All of this is so that we will have room for the crib in the office.

Less than 16 weeks until I get to 38 weeks! These babies may even arrive before then!

I did get through all the kids clothes I have stashed on the main floor of the house, they are somewhat organized, much better than they were at least, and I have a nice BIG bucket of newborn, 0-3, 3-6 month clothes. We really won't be needing much more in those sizes at all thankfully. We'll need more girl stuff in 6-9 as I only have stuff from Izzy then, and I have very little in 12 month for boy or girl, so lets me know where to ask for clothes and what sizes the babies will need when people ask what to get them. I figure the 6-9 month stuff will be winter/spring and the 12 month stuff should be spring/summer.

I'm still deciding on what bouncy seats I want to get, though I think that purchase will be something I put off until May or June, most likely June. I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to budget in the dresser we'll need. I'm thinking a nice double one would be good. Big Lots has some really nice dressers in REAL wood, though they are a little on the pricey side. The babies may end up getting their clothes out of plastic tubs for a little bit until I get that figured out.

I'm thinking in May I'll be getting my new papa san cushion. My current one is rather beat up as I've had the chair for at least 5 years and the papa san is a FAVORITE place for all in the family to sit. It's my "nursery" chair. Rocking chairs always give me headaches and I want somewhere REALLY comfortable to sit and doze and nurse that is near the crib. The added advantage of coarse being that the computer will be right there and I can watch T.V. shows online, and we will hopefully have a new dvd burner/player for the computer by then and it will WORK and I can do that too. If I can find the room, I'm thinking of moving my big bucket of knitting in to the office as well.

Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope your "holiday" weekend is uneventful and filled with family and fun, however you choose to celebrate it.

Rambling Words

Being sick and totally dependent on Jason to take care of me yesterday just reminded me of how much I hate that. I have a very independent streak, it's like a smack to the face when I just can't do it on my own. Yes I know it comes from all the crap from when I was a kid and I know Jason doesn't mind, he feels it's what he should do, but that doesn't make it any easier. It reminded me of when these babies will be here. I'm going to need SO much of his help. Even if we do have a vaginal birth, taking care of two tiny babies is going to be hectic to say the least.

Jason and I have "reversed" roles in the house, at least stereotypically. I am very much the "man" with the discipline and all of that and he is very much the "woman" with the caring and nurturing. There are times when it bothers me, I feel like I *should* be more caring and all of that, but it seems like I just don't have that in me. Maybe I do and I'm underestimating myself, or I just don't know how to "access" that part of me, who knows?

Jason tells me I worry too much. I worry about taking care of the babies. I worry about how they will be born. I worry about all the other kids and things that are going on with them. I worry how we are going to be able to afford a 2nd car. We are going to need one, especially if Jason gets the job he interviewd for on friday. However we just don't have it in our finances to buy one outright and we REALLY don't have the credit to be able to afford a decent car payment, let alone the extra money to make the payment.

It doesn't help that I am so tired all the time. This pregnancy is really taking it's toll that way. That usual "2nd trimester energy" just is not here this time around. I'm also getting a lot of those 3rd trimester difficulties happening now. I'm having a hard time walking a lot, or even just standing still. I keep my water intake really high so that I don't retain water, I would like to be able to wear my wedding ring til the end of the pregnancy. I'm even having difficulty going from sitting to standing and bending over is a serious JOKE! I have about 16 weeks left, that's figuring I deliver around 38 weeks, and I can see all these issues becoming more prevelant.

I'm wondering if I should just say "screw it" to planting a garden this season, which thankfully we can't even do for another couple of weeks because I'm definately not ready to do it right now! All that sitting on the ground and bending down and all of that, it makes me cringe at the thought. I hate the fact that all the housework is now on Jason's shoulders. I'm trying to get the kids to help out. There are still plenty of things that I need to do, but the day to day upkeep is up to Jason. He doesn't want me walking up and down the basement steps for the laundry. When I fell and sprained my ankle earlier this year it scared the bejeesus out of him. I have difficulty getting up to the upper level because Izzy keeps throwing his toys down the stairs, even though I make him pick them up, and I trip over them all and Jason doesn't want me falling down THOSE stairs. The office still needs to be rearranged and painted. The dining room is in a state of chaos while I figure out how things are going to go in there. The living room is a mess because I'm trying to find all of the baby clothes we have stashed in 14 different places and get them all in to one giant plastic tub so I know what we have and what we need.

Being sick yesterday just made me realize how reliant I really am on everyone else to help me get this stuff done. OK, I'm done being pregnant now, can we skip the next 4 months and just get to the end already? At least with the babies out, I'll be able to walk on my own. I swear, in the next month it's going to get to the point where I need one of those motor scooter things at Walmart when I go shopping. I suppose it's a good thing james always wants to push the cart! I'll just need to plan my shopping trips when I will be more likely to get a scooter and make sure I take at least James with me. Oy Vey.

Prayers and blessings everyone, if you made it this far through my ramble and rant. Some days, I just need to write out all the randomness that comes to mind, and lately, unfortunately, it isn't the most happy of things. I hope you are all having happier and easier days than what you found before.

What Concerns Me Now

I know that come July/August my babies will be born however they are meant to be. Either by c-section or vaginally. I've given birth to my fair share of children vaginally. I've had epidurals. I've done it med free. I've done it naturally. I've done it with cytotec. I've done it with pitocin. I've always used a mid wife. I've never had a c-section. I've also never had twins.

To me, having twins will be like having any other baby, just mulitply all that newborn adjustment stuff by 2. I will be utterly exhausted and dead on my feet for the first 2 weeks to a month.

Linda has generously offered to take James and Jayden for the first 2 weeks after the babies come. Jason's sister has said she'll take the older three for us while we are in the hospital having the babies. I'm going to assume it will be a planned birth, no matter how they come, because that's just how all of my others (with the exception of the very 1st) have been. These babies may surprise me and I'll go in to labor on my own. M.F. Jenn has offered to stay here at the house until a member of the family (either mine or Jason's) can get here to be with the kids, then she is coming up to the hospital. She will be our liason to the rest of the world. Otherwise, this birth, our last birth, will be just Jason and I for the first day. It's how I want it. Jason agrees with me.

So we have family and friends in place to help us during and after the birth of these anxiously and desperately wanted babies. They are the surprise and blessing that we have so needed after over 2 years (we started trying in September of 2007) of heart ache and disappointment.

I'm starting now to plan the things we'll need for my recovery from the birth and the taking care of these two babies. After surgery support belts, twin nursing pillows, extra car seats, new dressers, more beds. It seems like the list keeps growing and growing.

I now have to take in to consideration what I will need to help me recover from surgery. It is not guarenteed that surgery will take place, however I want and need to be prepared on the off chance that it will. Having 2 babies instead of one increases the odds that surgery is more likely.

The thought of having a c-section nearly brings me to tears. I hate the thought of it. I'm reading about recovery rooms and having the babies go somewhere else for a couple of hours. How I'll need a special support belt and making sure my jammies don't rub my overly swollen belly the wrong way. How I'll need meds to keep the gas at bay and make me have soft poo so it won't hurt so much. How I will have ME to worry about taking care of on top of these two beautiful new babies. How I will feel like I've just been run over by a train and I'll have difficulty even wiping my own bum for the first day and how I'll need help doing it, help I would request from a nurse, as I would be too humiliated to ask even Jason.

I worry how these difficulties will affect how I bond with my new babies. Will I insist on Jason staying by my side while in recovery or send him to our babies even though I know I'd prefer him to be with me simply because I'd feel so vulnerable and out of it.

There's the bottom line right there. When giving birth before, I knew that my body WOULD do what it needed to in order to birth my babies. That I was in control of it, well as much as one can be in that situation. Even though I needed to be hooked up to meds to get things going, once it started on it's own, once my body caught up on the fact of what was going on, I would push those babies out and they would be there, with me, and I would be strong for having done it.

With surgery, I am putting my birth, my children's birth in the hands of someone else. In the hands of someone I barely know. That person will be responsible for bringing those babies out of me and in to the world. I will not be pushing them out. I will not be the strong one, the one in control. I will be completely vulnerable and unable to prevent or stop or change anything going on. I have fears, nightmares, of the doc giving me a tubal "while he was there" even though that is not what I want, even though Jason is getting a vasectomy and that is our chosen way to go about our birth control.

With Izzy, my epidural really didn't take. I'm sure it took the edge off, but the pain was still very much there. I worry that they'll have to knock me completely out for the birth of my children, my last children, my miraculous never been in the family before twin babies. This is an absolutely devestating thought to me. It frightens me in a way that only the thought of Jason or one of the other kids dying does. I know my babies would be safe, but I wouldn't even see them come in to the world, be aware of their first breaths and cries and noises.

These are my last babies and I need to be there for that. I need to be awake and aware of their moments of birth, of those happenings just after they take their first breaths, the hour or two just after they are born when they are acclimating themselves to this big outside world. When what they first see and understand and sense is Mom and Dad and how we will always be there. That we are who they come to when they have needs that must be met.

These thoughts and feelings have been building up for 2 weeks now, since we found out we are having twins. I'm sure you will see quite a few more posts like this from me over the next few months. Please just kind of go with it. If you don't want to read my ranting and rambling, feel free to skip it, I know I'll never know the difference. Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you have a wonderful and happy weekend.

Clarification

And more Rambling. After all, what else is there?

Ok, the clarification. Yes, I'm pregnant. We've known since the beginning of December. Given my history, we played "wait and see". At the moment, I am 8 weeks and 3 days along. I'm due August 12, though I think I'll have the baby around the 25th of August.

I don't know what we are having. I think it may be a boy, however I was very wrong about Izzy, so who knows. We have names in mind that we would like, however nothing is really set in stone until we know what the baby is. Odds are, we'll find out around the end of February or the beginning of March. I'm not in a big rush to find out. I haven't bought anything for the baby, though I've looked. Part of it is because I want to see the baby on an ultra sound or at least hear the heart beat first. The other part is it is ALL either BOY or GIRL. The middle ground no longer exists it seems. Why is it that I HAVE to dress my boy in all blue and brown and my girl all in pink? It seems wrong and out of place to me at least.

My poor van. My poor poor van. The axle and tie rod on the passenger side need to be replaced. We have taken to driving the van as little as possible. We are nursing it along until we get our income tax return in, hopefully, February. I can take the bus to a lot of places, or walk. It'll be good for me to get up and moving like that more often. We'll use the van only when ABSOLUTELY needed. As it is, I'm not sure if I'll be able to go pick up Katy at the end of January. I am going to talk to my sister about using her car, but she may not be available.

It'll cost us less to repair the van, it also needs a tune up, and possibly some transmission work, than to buy a new one. The van has about 140,000 miles on it. It's old, a 1999. The only way we could afford a new van would be to get one that has payments. That is bad. We don't have payments now and we really can't afford them.

I left our camera at my mom's house when were there for the Christmas festivities. We were very neglectful in taking pictures as it was, so we have none of the kids opening their gifts. Oh well. My sister will pick it up for me on the 10th, I hope.

That's all for now. Oh, I do consider growing a human a New Year's resolution. I resolve to make it to the end of the pregnancy and give birth to a human being. Seems like a good one to me! Prayers and blessings everyone. Have a great weekend.

Randomness

In order to post every day, I'm going to be doing a lot of random things. OK, I admit that pretty much EVERY post on here is pretty damn random, however the INTENT will be just random. How about them apples?

Jason is reading to the kids. Lord of the Rings. It's what he was reading. Jayden wanted him to read to her. And there you go.

Izzy keeps taking things off of my counter in my kitchen. And coloring on himself with markers. He also got stark naked. He didn't need a clean diaper. Jason went to put his jammies back on him and Izzy fought him off, which leads us to believe that Izzy just wanted to be naked.

James went to his first appointment with Doc. O, the psychiatrist. One of James' meds is out the window, to be taken no more. Another is having the dose changed around a bit. We'll see how it goes with it like that. Larry is going to be working on getting James in to getting a full Developmental Evaluation. It will be an all day affair. Oh fun.

We had shredded chicken for dinner. I made a smaller bowl with Buffalo Sauce. I made a bigger bowl with BBQ Sauce. I never knew there were so many uses for shredded chicken! I'll be making that again. It went over REALLY well!

Tonight, we are going to do donuts again. Actually, after this post is done, I'm going to go find space on the dining room table to roll out the dough. Pics will be taken and posted tomorrow.

Prayers and blessings everyone. Enjoy the rambles!