Feeling Overwhelmed

I need to start this off by saying that Jason is a wonderful husband. He tries very very hard to care for all of us. This post may come off as a ripping of him to shreds, but it isn't. This is about me, and how I'm handling things right now. I just wanted to make that clear before anyone starts saying "well your hubby should do more" and all of that.

Since yesterday evening, I've felt like I just can't. I can't do this. I can't take care of this house. I can't take care of these kids. I can't take care of two newborns. I just can't.

I look at everything around me. All the mess and chaos. The kids running around like crazy. The three year old who relishes in mess making and disobedience. The oldest son who is having some seriously emotional difficulties right now. The 7 year old girl who acts up and has the worst attitude just to get attention that she feels she isn't getting. The husband who is working to try make ends meet, but making much less than he used to and we're sitting here keeping a float, but many times it's just barely. My body seems to be giving up on me as well. It's taking too much of me to just pick up the floor or get things put away or cook dinner. It's like I have one task I can do a day, so I better choose wisely. Unfortunately, this house doesn't run on just one task a day, it's many.

I feel like I'm in a constant battle with this house. To get the kids to pick up after themselves. To get the laundry organized and washed and folded and dried. To get the kids to help me clean up after themselves. To try to earn extra money using the computer. To figure out what to make for dinner and actually get it made sometime before 9 at night. To organize and reorganize for the babies that will be coming in just about a month from now.

What am I trying to say with all of this? I don't know. I don't expect it to all just magically go away or fix itself. I keep hearing "you should be taking it easy" and "don't do too much". Well damnit, if I take it easy and don't too much who the hell is going to do it for me? Jason? He can't be expected to do it all alone. Not to mention he works 4-5 days a week, 8 hours per shift. Things seem to fall "more" apart when he isn't here. I can't ask him to stay home so I can keep a handle on things, now can I?

I feel like I'm losing my mind, slowly but surely. Yes, I still go to therapy. This is a new thing however, so talking about with her hasn't happened yet. She did ask me last time I was there what do I do to destress? I don't have an answer. She pointed out that in order to keep my cool, which is the best way to deal with James it seems, and manage everything else, it builds up stress and I need a way to get rid of it all. I don't have a way. I never thought of needing a way.

Apparently, sitting here and crying amongst the mess isn't going to help me destress or help get it all taken care of. It doesn't help me feel any better either. If I'm feeling like this, and I'm the "together" one in the relationship, the "strong" one, the one that "doesn't panic", how must Jason be feeling? How do I find the acceptable middle where I'm "allowed" to be overwhelmed and actually SHARE that with Jason and not worry about it freaking him out as well? I feel like that as long as I'm strong, he can be too, but once I start to slip, it's all over for him.

Yes, I understand he's a grownup. Yes, I understand he's a "big boy" and that he realizes his daily responsibilities. Why is it that his sanity relies on me being sane? Why does it seem that I can't rely on his sanity to keep me sane? Why is it that when I need to break down, I need to keep it to myself because he just wants to "fix" what is upsetting me? I just want the reassurance that when I need him to lean on, he's there. Just BEING THERE.

It seems, from my view anyway, that all of this is affecting him not nearly as much as it does me. He doesn't think "oh, we need to wash all the baby clothes and get the laundry all caught up and make sure the kids are doing their school work and eating decent meals and maybe I should leave these coins/books alone and go see what the rest of the family needs". No, it seems like he is thinking more "oh, yeah, I should do some dishes and I'm tired from working all day so I'm going to lay in bed and read and give my wife some space even though it's obvious she's upset because I know she doesn't want me to fix anything anyway." I KNOW that this is because men and women think differently. I KNOW it's because our focuses are in different places. This doesn't make him inadequate in what he does do. It doesn't make him a "bad" husband. He just doesn't see it like I do, he doesn't think of it as I do, so to him things are running pretty smoothly.

I think I'm done for now. I just needed to get part of that out. I now have to get back to living this life. James' med scrip needs to be dropped off and I need to go pick up something for dinner for tonight so the kids don't have to choose between mac n cheese and sandwiches. I need to put together a load of laundry. I need to label some plastic tubs of clothes so that when we need what is in the tub, it's easier to figure out what that is. If needed, I'll take them to the basement myself. It's all the same as yesterday, and it's not going away any time soon.

Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope your days find you much less overwhelmed than I am at the moment.

More Rambling Words

I haven't put it to Jason yet, but I'm considering talking to the midwife about just scheduling a c-section instead of attempting to do a vaginal delivery. I'm VERY up in the air about it. I know the recovery would be much easier physically with the vaginal birth, but there are so many unknowns going on with this pregnancy that maybe having that one known, knowing HOW they will be born may help me worry less. I know that we, as in the midwife and I, won't even really discuss it until i'm 36 weeks, but I'm going to put it to her at least when I see her in 2 weeks.

I'm tired tired tired. I went grocery shopping last night and I made sure to buy some foods I can snack on that have some higher protien in them. I got some Boathouse Farms Vanilla Chai Tea, which is SO good and has 10g protien per 8 oz serving. I'm going to make sure to drink at least one cup a day. I picked up some trail mix that has cashews, peanuts, almonds, raisins, and m&m's, which has 4g protien for a 3tbsp serving. It's a nice filling snack. I bought some of that pre made chicken breast chunks, so I can make a quick chicken sandwich (with buffalo sauce and cheese, yum yum) and I pulled the package of roast beef slices out of the freezer (yummy with cream cheese). I'm going to go digging for the ham (again yummy with cream cheese). I'm also trying to up my calcium because I've been getting charlie horses, something I NEVER got with my other pregnancies, so it's telling me I need more calcium.

I think I'll have Jason do some belly pics later tonight or tomorrow. It may not be til Sunday when we have family dinner at his sis's place. I'm sure he'll be bringing his camera (cause I'll tell him to) so he can play with it and get family photos and what not.

I need to touch up the part of the wall and the closet door and then I'm done with the wall painting in one part of the office. I need to take the stuff off of the book shelves and tape it up and start the edgework and painting on the other part of the wall. It has an L shape in the wall that is going to be dark, it's where the tiny closet is. I'm also working on getting the dining room rearranged a little so I can get some of my craft stuff out there. I'm nervous about that however because it will be a TON of drawers for Izzy to go through and toss stuff everywhere. All of this is so that we will have room for the crib in the office.

Less than 16 weeks until I get to 38 weeks! These babies may even arrive before then!

I did get through all the kids clothes I have stashed on the main floor of the house, they are somewhat organized, much better than they were at least, and I have a nice BIG bucket of newborn, 0-3, 3-6 month clothes. We really won't be needing much more in those sizes at all thankfully. We'll need more girl stuff in 6-9 as I only have stuff from Izzy then, and I have very little in 12 month for boy or girl, so lets me know where to ask for clothes and what sizes the babies will need when people ask what to get them. I figure the 6-9 month stuff will be winter/spring and the 12 month stuff should be spring/summer.

I'm still deciding on what bouncy seats I want to get, though I think that purchase will be something I put off until May or June, most likely June. I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to budget in the dresser we'll need. I'm thinking a nice double one would be good. Big Lots has some really nice dressers in REAL wood, though they are a little on the pricey side. The babies may end up getting their clothes out of plastic tubs for a little bit until I get that figured out.

I'm thinking in May I'll be getting my new papa san cushion. My current one is rather beat up as I've had the chair for at least 5 years and the papa san is a FAVORITE place for all in the family to sit. It's my "nursery" chair. Rocking chairs always give me headaches and I want somewhere REALLY comfortable to sit and doze and nurse that is near the crib. The added advantage of coarse being that the computer will be right there and I can watch T.V. shows online, and we will hopefully have a new dvd burner/player for the computer by then and it will WORK and I can do that too. If I can find the room, I'm thinking of moving my big bucket of knitting in to the office as well.

Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope your "holiday" weekend is uneventful and filled with family and fun, however you choose to celebrate it.

Rambling Words

Being sick and totally dependent on Jason to take care of me yesterday just reminded me of how much I hate that. I have a very independent streak, it's like a smack to the face when I just can't do it on my own. Yes I know it comes from all the crap from when I was a kid and I know Jason doesn't mind, he feels it's what he should do, but that doesn't make it any easier. It reminded me of when these babies will be here. I'm going to need SO much of his help. Even if we do have a vaginal birth, taking care of two tiny babies is going to be hectic to say the least.

Jason and I have "reversed" roles in the house, at least stereotypically. I am very much the "man" with the discipline and all of that and he is very much the "woman" with the caring and nurturing. There are times when it bothers me, I feel like I *should* be more caring and all of that, but it seems like I just don't have that in me. Maybe I do and I'm underestimating myself, or I just don't know how to "access" that part of me, who knows?

Jason tells me I worry too much. I worry about taking care of the babies. I worry about how they will be born. I worry about all the other kids and things that are going on with them. I worry how we are going to be able to afford a 2nd car. We are going to need one, especially if Jason gets the job he interviewd for on friday. However we just don't have it in our finances to buy one outright and we REALLY don't have the credit to be able to afford a decent car payment, let alone the extra money to make the payment.

It doesn't help that I am so tired all the time. This pregnancy is really taking it's toll that way. That usual "2nd trimester energy" just is not here this time around. I'm also getting a lot of those 3rd trimester difficulties happening now. I'm having a hard time walking a lot, or even just standing still. I keep my water intake really high so that I don't retain water, I would like to be able to wear my wedding ring til the end of the pregnancy. I'm even having difficulty going from sitting to standing and bending over is a serious JOKE! I have about 16 weeks left, that's figuring I deliver around 38 weeks, and I can see all these issues becoming more prevelant.

I'm wondering if I should just say "screw it" to planting a garden this season, which thankfully we can't even do for another couple of weeks because I'm definately not ready to do it right now! All that sitting on the ground and bending down and all of that, it makes me cringe at the thought. I hate the fact that all the housework is now on Jason's shoulders. I'm trying to get the kids to help out. There are still plenty of things that I need to do, but the day to day upkeep is up to Jason. He doesn't want me walking up and down the basement steps for the laundry. When I fell and sprained my ankle earlier this year it scared the bejeesus out of him. I have difficulty getting up to the upper level because Izzy keeps throwing his toys down the stairs, even though I make him pick them up, and I trip over them all and Jason doesn't want me falling down THOSE stairs. The office still needs to be rearranged and painted. The dining room is in a state of chaos while I figure out how things are going to go in there. The living room is a mess because I'm trying to find all of the baby clothes we have stashed in 14 different places and get them all in to one giant plastic tub so I know what we have and what we need.

Being sick yesterday just made me realize how reliant I really am on everyone else to help me get this stuff done. OK, I'm done being pregnant now, can we skip the next 4 months and just get to the end already? At least with the babies out, I'll be able to walk on my own. I swear, in the next month it's going to get to the point where I need one of those motor scooter things at Walmart when I go shopping. I suppose it's a good thing james always wants to push the cart! I'll just need to plan my shopping trips when I will be more likely to get a scooter and make sure I take at least James with me. Oy Vey.

Prayers and blessings everyone, if you made it this far through my ramble and rant. Some days, I just need to write out all the randomness that comes to mind, and lately, unfortunately, it isn't the most happy of things. I hope you are all having happier and easier days than what you found before.