I've decided.

I'm going to start doing something Jason really doesn't want me to. He really can't give me reasons why, though I have my suspicions. It won't be an easy thing for me at all. I'm not going to particularly like it. When it comes to things I really don't like, I avoid them like the plague. However, it's gotten to the point where I can't do that any more. It's interfereing with me, with my family, with my relationships with everyone. Ironically, I'm not even sure what IT is. I can see it, I know it's there, but to say what it is, well, that is another fete indeed.

What is it I'm going to do? Therapy. Ugh. Go once a week, or every couple of weeks and talk with someone about what is bothering, what issues I'm having with life and try to get to the root of it all to maybe, just maybe, find some healing.

Why doesn't Jason want me to do this? This thing that may, or may not, find some healing and help improve who I am overall? I don't know for sure. However, what I THINK is that he wants to fix me himself. He loves me, he cares for me and about me. Maybe he feels that whatever is "broken" or "off kilter" he can remedy?

We've been doing it like that for quite some time. It's done some good. Hell, it's done a lot of good. I'm to the point where I need something more than just late night talks with the "Hubster". This doesn't mean I don't want those talks any more. Far from it. However, even after them I'm not finding the answers I need.

I know there are plenty who would say "turn to God". You have to believe that God is an entity out of your control in order for that to work first. I think my belief is that God is really ourselves. Sacrilidge! I know, I know. However, the mind is a mighty powerful thing, and we all have the abilities to change ourselves. Wouldn't prayer just be a form of self focus and meditation? However, I once again digress.

Jason does not have the life experiences that I do. He grew up in a completely different way than I did. Jason has never done some of the things that I have. He has never handled situations that I have. We have our lives together now. We got here from two very different points of direction.

Jason gets depressed. Maybe even more so than some people. When he was in high school and college he felt like an outsider, and did young kid kind of things, like drinking and fooling around with drugs. When he went home at night, he had a stable and loving environment to sleep soundly in, knowing that when he woke up the next, it would still be there and there was no threat to it, not really. Yes, he had trials and tribulations and the people around him did to, but it was NOT remotely traumatic, EXCEPT that his mother had breast cancer (which she beat) when he was in high school.

My life up to Jason was the anti-thesis to stability. It was chaos, pure and simple. Even as a child, I didn't know what to expect or when. There were years when I suffered through physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, some of them when I was at a very young age. There are many days when I sit down and look at myself and say "how the hell can I give my children what I never had, what I can only think of?"

Now don't go saying I'm blaming my parents here. Yes, they made mistakes, hell, they are people too. However, they did the best they could, or at least in theory they did. I'm not a judge. I do not get to say "You were wrong!" I wasn't in their shoes, thinking their thoughts, living their lives for them. I can only know what I know through experiencing and sharing my life with theirs. My perceptions may, or may not, hell most likely definatly not, be the whole story.

I'm done blaming myself on my past, my parents. It's time to let it go. To learn the lessons and let it lie. Every day, I get older and all of that gets 1 day further away from who I am right now, from who I was then. I need help in this journey. Guidance. Something that, while it will hurt Jason's pride, I know he can't give to me. Sometimes, he is the issue. That's honesty at it's best. I know there are times when I'm the issue for him. He has said as much.

There are so many things I want to do, want to be. Jason has no idea how to go about doing them. His response is simply "so do it". I run highly with self destructive behavior. I see it in me, I have recently begun to really recognize it. How I change it is another thing entirely. Do I want to change it? You'd think the answer would be yes. I know it SHOULD be yes. It makes me wonder though. By the way, it's not sex. When I was younger, that was part of it. Now, it's not.

Have you ever noticed how you are scared of change? What really is so intimidating about? It's just different, that's all. It's unknown. It is not how we have been doing things all along. When things are broken, wouldn't you want to fix them, even if the answer is something new and different and vastly unfamiliar? That's the kicker. Sometimes, broken is better simply because it isn't new. You can function in broken, you know what to expect (to an extent) and that makes it easier and less intimidating than new and different. However, it's STILL broken.

And that is where I need help. I need to find out how to get out of broken. How to brave the new and different and fixed. What if I don't like who I am? What if....well, that list could go on and on. It's not time to think of what if I do but to focus on what if I don't? I've never stopped to think of that part of it before. I need to. I won't fix the broken, change the ways, learn the new, unless I really grasp what could happen if I just leave it broken.

I try every day to get James the help he needs to be healthy and happy and grow up to be a good strong man who can care for himself, and maybe a family. Why would I fight so hard for him and not myself? Wouldn't it make sense that a fixed Mommy could better help the broken Son?

With that, I will leave this. I'll update on the therapy. Let you know how it goes. Share what I'm learning. Maybe it will help someone else. Prayers and blessings everyone.

Jane Austen, Book Clubs, Presidential Elections, and the Electoral College

Yes, I know, it's a long ass title. Bear with me. This evening was movie night here in our house. It's been a rather rainy day. Not dreary really, though that is because I love the rain. It's always so crisp and clean and refreshing. I digress as usual. So I went to the Video Store and I also picked up stuff to make nachos. MMMMMM, nachos! The movies I got were Happily Never After, Harry Potter 5, I Am Legend, The Jane Austen Book Club, and 21. All of these are of interest because I or the kids have seen them in previews in our other movies. We watched 4 of the 5 tonight.

The kids watched Happily Never After, I caught bits and pieces of it while cooking up the stuff for the nachos. Then directly after they watched Harry Potter. Having read the book, I knew what to expect, and it was still a decent movie. I sent the kids to bed and Jason and I watched I Am Legend. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. It also reminds me a whole hell of a lot of Stephen King's "The Stand". That is is an awesome book, especially read in the full unabridge version. It's horridly long, and Jason on made it through the first 1/2, but it is SO worth it. I'd like to get the made for T.V. movie to have here at the house. That would be great as well.

Jason went to bed so I watched The Jane Austen Book Club. I will admit here and now that I have NEVER read anything by Jane Austen. What? Never? Nope, never. I have read Little Women, and Little Men, and all the ones that go with those. Louisa May Alcott, is that her name, the author? I've read a lot of classics, just for fun. I read The Scarlet Letter, Great Expectations, The Jungle, and Animal Farm over the summer before my freshman year of high school. Not for any real reason, just that I had always heard those titles referred back to, so I wanted to read them myself. I read Gone With the Wind during the school year. All 1800 pages of it. I wasn't kidding when I said I was a bibliophile. Anyone who reads required reading for fun, before it's even required, is a bit of a geek. I also refused to listen to anything but classical music, with a smidge of classic rock thrown in, all the way until I almost a sophomore in high school.

That right there is why I feel I have the qualifications to teach my children at home. I know that if I don't understand, I will read a book about it, and find someone who DOES know and I'll ask them to teach me, so I can teach the kids. My mind is like a seive. I know all kinds of odd facts and unusual information. I kick butt at Trivial Pursuit. All except the T.V./Movie and Sports stuff. I don't watch T.V and I won't watch a movie that doesn't interest me and I don't follow sports at all. I could be spending all that time sitting there reading a book.

So I'm going to read some Jane Austen. For those of you who have read her, where should I start. She only has 6 books, right? I am also doing a book club on the Four or More mommies. I guess our first book is going to be the one the guy wrote about having the worst dog in the world. I'm sorry, I don't remember the title right now, but when I go to request it from the library, I will.

Last night I was thinking about the election. I was also talking to my sister, and amazingly, our entire conversation did not revolve around her wedding. We came to the electoral college. How much of a very screwed up system it really is. How is it that only a fraction of the entire country are the ones to pick the new president? I understand that when it was first instituted, it was to make counting the votes easier. I also understand that the person with the electoral vote is not required to vote the way the state votes go. It is their vote and they can vote how they see fit. So how is it that my vote honestly counts, at least when it comes to the new president. Whomever holds that electoral vote, now they REALLY do count. And they count for A LOT.

How do you get picked to be the holder of one of those votes? Who makes that choice? Who is to say that those holders of votes are pre-loaded one way or the other? Who polices that to make sure that isn't going to happen? Do the electoral vote holders actually vote twice? Once for their own vote and once for their vote for the state? Can they be two different votes if that is the case?

In this day and age of computers and new fangled information and all that, isn't it time to redo the electoral college. Does it really provide a viable function any longer? Wouldn't it be better to TRULY put the vote of the people back in to the power of the people?

Those are my ramblings for today. I know I'm late on my sexy new story for the other board, I'm sorry, I've been a bit busy taking care of house and home and all of that stuff. I'll work on it this weekend, I promise. Prayers and Blessings everyone and have a wonderful weekend, rain filled or sunny. I think we will making a trip to the museum.

Stripping at Wal-Mart

Hehe, I got ya with the title, didn't I? I wonder how many people will come to read this blog just based on that title alone? Maybe I should start including words like sex, penis, vagina, ass, and lesbian and see how many hits I get. I don't use one of those trackers that figures out what words people used to find me, though it is an interesting idea.

So back to the title. There was some stripping going on at Wal-Mart tonight. OK, just for the record, I'm still on Friday night even though I KNOW the date says it's Saturday. That's just how I roll. That sounded kind of silly coming from me, but what ya gonna do?

I took a nap earlier tonight, and that's why it is now 4:21 in the morning and I'm no where near ready for bed. I went grocery shopping after waking, I left the house around 11. I brought Izzy with me. Why did I take my precocious ever so curious and mischieveious 2 year old out at 11 at night? Because that boy climbs out of bed, and out of his pack n play. I knew Jason wouldn't be able to stay awake with him until I got home, the whole being up since 5 in the morning thing and all. The olders were fine staying and watching movies. When I got home, they were in bed, so I'm assuming dear old Dad sent them to bed once the movie was done anyway.

I digress, but don't I always? I went over and picked up MF Jenn, and off to Wal-Mart we went. There is beauty in shopping so late. Fewer people shopping, and they are stocking then, so if it isn't out, there is always someone close by that you can have go check for you to see if they do have it. I have $200 to spend on food, and spend it I shall. That money will get us enough food to last about 2 weeks, thankfully. We'll just have to top off a little next week, with water, soda, bread, that kind of thing.

I remembered to bring my canvas bags, the ones that the cashiers dread seeing. I use them because I have 4 kids and I feel that just by having those kids, that's enough damage to the environment, you know, heating the house and driving them all over and stuff like that. When Jenn and I shop, we go through the entire store. By the way, I forgot the tomato paste and the mayo. That's what I get for not writing out a complete list. Again, I digress. We start over in the General Merchandise and work our way to the Groceries, more often than not. I needed cat litter anyway. I picked up a couple of tiny, but very nice smelling candles. Jenn needed yarn for the blankets she is making for Christmas gifts.

I was just at Wal-Mart yesterday. I didn't look for little boy belts though. So I needed to look for those for Izzy, and size 3T pants. I want them that big so that I know he will have room to grow in them. However, as he has no butt to hold them up, they will fall down because Izzy is not a chunker, he's a heavy big boy, but fat isn't what he is made of, so he NEEDS a belt on too big pants. We are looking at toddler boy clothes and Jenn asks if she can buy Izzy a "Cars" shirt.

Keep in mind, more often than not, I won't buy characters anything for the kids. On the rarest of rare occassions one of the kids can convince me to get them a Transformer this or a Princess that. This goes for clothes and bedding. Toys don't apply to this sweeping rule.

Yesterday, I bought Izzy a pair of "Cars" slippers. I tell Jenn that it's all right, I'm not the one buying it. I don't buy characters because kids outgrow them so quickly, and it's harder to do hand me downs with an out of date character on the front. Izzy is all geeked and keeps pointing at the shirts and saying "Cars, Cars, Cars". I think Jenn was impressed that he was talking at all.

Izzy CAN talk, he just doesn't. I don't know why he doesn't, he just chooses not to. I guess he feels he has nothing to really contribute, what with everyone else talking constantly it seems. Izzy pointed to a grey long sleeve shirt with Lightning McQueen plastered over the front.

We finish up our shopping, which takes about an hour more. Speedy shoppers we are not. We take our time, often going up and down each row or backtracking through 1/2 the department to find what we want. We manage to get all of our stuff in to one cart, so at least we didn't buy out the store.

I get all checked out, stuff shoved in to canvas bags and all of that. As Jenn is checking out, she tells the cashier, Leanne, to just hand the shirt to Izzy. Jenn then continues with the paying process. Izzy takes the hanger out of the shirt and hands it to me. He then starts the attempt of taking off his hoody so that he can put on his "Cars" shirt. Feeling sympathy for the boy, and knowing that at that ripe age of 2 he WON'T let it lay to rest, I strip his hoody and shirt off of him. Jenn looks over and sees a half naked boy where once a fully clothed one sat before. I take the tag off of the shirt and put his new, much loved shirt on him. The entire time, Izzy is saying "Cars, Cars, Cars" and signing "Thank You".

Did that catch you? That Izzy signs? Well, being the strong willed (read STUBBORN) child that he is and his utmost refusal to communicate with us, we have been teaching him basic signs. He can sign Please, Thank You, Bath, Eat, Mommy, Daddy, Cheese, Potato Chip, More, and Done. Maybe a couple of others that I'm not thinking of at the moment. With prompting, he can put two or more signs together in a basic sentence and he has started to SAY the word along with the sign.

This is how we wound up "Stripping at Wal-Mart". I told Jenn I would blog the moment because it's pretty funny. Also, I would catch a lot of traffic just on the title. HAHA! I jokingly said I would go and do it myself, the stripping. It'd be like the really cheap show that didn't have a cover charge. But please tip me. Or just tip me over and roll me out!

I know I missed Thankful Thursday. Thursday we went to Jason's folks for dinner, so the preperations before then made things get rather hectic around here and we didn't get home til almost 11. I'll catch back up next week, that there is a promise.

Prayers and Blessings, and have a wonderful weekend.