Ever Feel Like...

The worst parent of the year? That's me today. It's not because of something I've actually done. It's how I feel. It's how a realization has made me feel.

I went to therapy today. I almost feel like that sentence should always be taken as a negative sign. Kind of like when your partner looks at you and says "We need to talk". You know something not so pleasant is coming your way.

I thought today was going to be a good therapy day. I suppose in the true context of therapy, it was a great day. However the aftermath has left me disoriented and wrung out. I feel lost and confused. Therapy is supposed to get at the inner stuff and really make you think and figure things out, to help you grow and become someone better, for yourself, for your loved ones. No one ever tells you that process can leave you feeling like shit. Yeah, it's one of those swearing kind of days.

Today my therapist did as all therapists do, she got me thinking and self analysing and bringing the crap to the forefront to be confronted so it can be dealt with in whatever manner it needs to be. Today, my therapist was a bitch for what she poked and prodded to the front. Maybe after some time I won't see it that way, but right now that's how it is.

I've talked a little bit about Jayda here. About her difficulties. I will be completely honest. I've never fully accepted what her report said about her. I put up a block that said "That can't REALLY be the case, let's go see a specialist, they'll tell me something different". I've always felt a wrenching pain in my heart when I think of that report, or what that report says.

Here's some self analysis for you, kindly directed by my therapist. Growing up as I did, being told the things that I was, I associate "being smart" with "being good" and "being pretty" with "being bad". Them's the fucked up facts. For me, it was all important to BE SMART. After all, that is what I got recognition for. Screw being pretty, that was for DUMB girls. I didn't need to be pretty, I had a "God Damned Good Brain In My Head" and I shouldn't take 2nd fiddle to anyone or anything because I had the brains to do EVERYTHING.

Yeah. Fucked up, right?

Well here's where it carries over to my kids in a nice fucked up manner. We've all got to do it, we'll fuck them up as we were fucked. Vicious bitchy crappy cycle, but someone's got to do it, right?

To me, smart is good. With my kids, they can have any manner of difficulties as long as they are smart. Smart is something to work with. Smart is potential and possibility. With being smart, we can figure out how to work around the difficulties and teach them something useful, that they are quite capable of.

Pretty gets you nowhere, ESPECIALLY the girls. It gets a guy looking at your ass or trying to look down your top. It gets you groped. It gets you oggled and mistreated. Pretty goes away. Very few women, as they age, are still considered beautiful. With most, you say "She was really beautiful when she was younger". Ouch.

Jayda is a beautiful girl, but she isn't smart. She will never be smart. Her possibilities have become the Atlantic Ocean and there isn't any swimming across it.

That was, I think, the hardest thing I've ever had to say about one of my kids. James is bi-polar and has Asperger's. Kati is a bit OCD. Izzy is a non-verbal autistic. However, they are all extremely smart. To me, the smart is the most important. Everything else is just dressing.

For Jayda, she doesn't have that creamy center. Where smart should be is nothing. If she is lucky, she'll be able to read at a 6th grade level, even as an adult. She will have to always use a calculator (or have something physical to use) even to do the most basic of math.

Jayda has never been one to ask why or how something works. She's always taken it at face value. She doesn't want to learn new things, to explore things she isn't familiar with. While the rest of the world goes on around her, she is perfectly happy sitting at home playing her dolls or playing tag with her friends.

So I'm left trying to figure out how to parent her. I admit that I don't know how. The thought of even trying is so overwhelming to me it's shutting me down. I am having a very hard time envisioning any kind of future for her, what are her options? She could be a....stripper? Or a...cheerleader? She could be the perfect 1950's house wife. Oh wait. We don't live in the 1950's. And she'd have to be able to thing logically in order to keep a home running and organized enough to keep things going smoothly. Well, crap, where the fuck does that leave her?

I know, she can be a trophy wife! Won't have to think, just needs to look pretty. And in about 5 years, her husband will dump her, leaving her nothing (because she didn't think to make sure she was taken care of) and marrying some new girl. Obviously, that is every mother's dream for her baby girl. *snort*

What do I teach the child who doesn't have the desire to learn? How do I guide her to become the most that she can be when that most is so little that even she sees it as depressing?

Part of the problem is that while Jayda isn't smart, she is smart enough to realize that she is different, that she isn't like her brothers and sisters or her friends. That she is being left behind in their jokes and conversations.

For all of this, I feel like the worst parent in the world. First when she came from me, when she was born, I didn't make her (literally make her) as smart as she could be. I left her short in that area, so short that her future is empty. Second, because I see her future as empty. I can't get my head wrapped around her possibility, her potential. I'm getting sucked in to seeing only an empty vastness that will never be filled and that is doing Jayda an injustice. And yet, I don't know how to begin to change it. I don't know what it is that she COULD learn to fill that space so she can grow into an adult and BECOME as we all do.

What IS Happy Anyway?

I know I normally do Thankful Thursday, and I'll do it later today, however I want to post on something else at the moment.

My therapist asked me last time I was there if I was happy. Well, no, I guess I wouldn't consider myself "happy" per se. Content, definately, but I'm not sure about happy. I asked, what IS happy anyway? Why is it so bad to be content?

Being content doesn't mean that I don't feel joy or love or moments of laughter and elation. Content also doesn't mean I spend my entire time feeling down and out and trod upon. Some people are always overly cheerful no matter what. Some people are always angry and upset and feeling out of sorts. Me, I'm neither of those.

Can someone define "happy" for me? Does it mean you have no worries? Well, doesn't that seem kind of silly to you? Having NO worries, especially in this economy and with wars and all of that stuff going on? Does it mean ALWAYS having a smile plastered on your face and being super positive about everything? Don't those people just ANNOY you sometimes? As far as I can tell, those are the definitions of happy I've gotten so far.

I'm an optimist. When life takes a crap on me, I firmly believe that "It WILL get better" and "It could ALWAYS be worse" . Does that mean I'm happy? I do have worries. I worry about money and making ends meet, as I think anyone with 1/2 a brain does. I worry about my kids, in varying degrees between them all, which I also think everyone does. I worry about being a good parent and spouse, again as others do I think. So how am I so different from everyone else that I need to be "happy"? Why is it so wrong to classify my feelings as content?

Sure I go through bouts of depression. I recognize them, I fight against them and I come out of them doing all right. I go to therapy. More to help me fix what I recognize needs work because I just don't know where to begin then because I feel sad and beat up by the world.

Jason isn't happy. He's a pessimist. Trust me when I say, content is GOOD for him. He loves his family. He also lets the weight of the world, the weight of his own worries and insecurities weigh him down. This isn't so bad. After all, he made a good move in marrying an optimist. I'm always there with a distracting kiss and a reminder that "it WILL be all right" and he KNOWS that when I say that, it is true. Jason doesn't fight to be happy. He is good with where he is at. I know he'd love to have less worry, however that's just the nature of life some times.

So tell me this, oh readers, what IS happy?

What an Unusual Day

Wednesday was an odd day for me. It wasn't really any different than any other day, it just felt really odd.

I missed the bottom step of our basement stairs and fell and sprained my ankle. Jason was standing down there and he said it was a very scary thing to watch. It's pretty badly sprained, so much so that I got the crutches out today. Wrapping it isn't helping, so I'm not doing that. Thankfully, I can get away with using just the one crutch like a cane. Something to just help support me as I walk. I have a love hate relationship with my ankles after all. They love to hate me!

Jason got a job! He'll be working part time 3rd shift at a local gas station. When he interviewed for the job last week I asked him if he wanted to take a part time job like that or if he wanted to wait for his old job to call him back. He said he had no security with his old job anymore. He had been there for 3 years, and he wasn't advancing at all. Pretty soon he'd end up hitting the pay increase ceiling. He wanted to take the other job. He'll be able to keep part of his unemployment. Which is good for us. It also seems that my ex's pay or unemployment or whatever it is is FINALLY being garnished, so that is also a huge help to us.

The saga continues in trying to get Jayden diagnosed with ADD. She has to have an EEG done to make sure she isn't having seizures, and a blood draw to check for other things. MF Jenn is going to fill out the sheet that would normally be filled out by a teacher so we can get an outside 3rd opinion. She's putting together a really basic 30 minute lesson for her. I have a feeling, that 30 minutes is going to stretch in to at least an hour or more. Jayden continues to stall and fight and argue and all out avoid doing anything that really requires concentration and thinking. She'll start giving silly answers, when in fact I KNOW she knows them. Her teacher last year just kept telling me "she doesn't know the stuff" when she does know the stuff. That really disappointed me about the school district.

Jason was kind of having a fit about the kids being homeschooled. He couldn't see them learning so much, and admittedly him being home all the time AND the holidays threw us off a bit. We are getting back in the groove thankfully. I'm also continuously reminding Jason of the behaviors the kids would pick up if they were in school all the time. Homeschooling is definately the right choice for our family.

Izzy will be going to preschool next year however. He'll be able to have speech therapy for 5 days a week, and be immersed in a concentrated learning environment like that. He really needs something more because his speech is still severely delayed. He understands what we are saying, however he has serious issues when it comes to communicating back to us. We have taught him many signs, however he really doesn't use them unless prompted. There is very little spontaneous communication coming from Izzy.

I'm working on becoming more organized. Well at least cleaning up the clutter. According to my therapy goals, I should be doing a 1/2 hour every day. So far, I've done that once this week. Change takes time, but it also takes effort. Effort sucks by the way. It requires so much, well effort! Anyway, instead of bitching I should just do, and I'm working on it.

That's all for now. I realize my poor little blog has been somewhat neglected lately. I'll be trying to post more regularly, at least 3 times a week. The writing helps me refocus on what needs to be done.

Oh, I'm 11 weeks and 1 day pregnant now. It's finally begun to sink in that this may actually work, it's either that or I'm seriously psychosematic! I have my firt appointment with a midwife next tuesday and next friday I have a blood draw and ultra sound.

Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope you all have wonderful weekends!

I'm So Sleepy.

Sigh, it just keeps adding on. Of coarse, pregnancy is like that. You are tired and nauseous and nauseous and tired. Add a bunch of unpredictable moodiness, odd cravings at weird times (the other night I REALLY wanted an omlette and hash browns) and gaining weight steadily and you have the PERFECT recipe for World's Crankiest Woman. Welcome to how it is for dear Jason. Thankfully, he loves me and is VERY tolerant of me.

I keep having dreams of having twins. I honestly don't think I'm having twins however. I think it's more because I can't visualize this baby as either boy or girl, but just healthy and born. The more I think of it, the more I realize that my entire goal is to make it August and give birth to a healthy baby.

I had my first official appointment today. It was with the admit nurse. You get to do the going over the family history, how many times have you been pregnant (this is my 10th pregnancy, jeez louise!), birth control after the baby is born (Jason is getting the Big V for his birthday in June, love ya babe!), etc. etc. etc. Because I'm fat (I don't beat around the bush on that) I also get to do the diabetes test NOW and AGAIN at 28 weeks. An ultrasound wasn't ordered, which made me a little sad.

That being said, there is some genetic testing that can be done between 10 (I'll be 10 weeks on January 14) weeks and 14 weeks, and it involves an ultra sound. Usually, I deny genetic testing because it doesn't matter to me. When the pregnancy is meant to end, it will end naturally in one way (birth) or another (miscarriage) and no amount of test results will change my mind on that. However, as I would REALLY like to see this baby, I'm going to call and talk to them on Monday about doing the testing. It's either that, or invent a "problem". I don't want to invent a "problem" because to me, that just seems to be inviting trouble, know what I mean? My next appointment is on Jan. 27 and I get to see a mid-wife at that point.

In other news, we met with our new family therapist on Tuesday. I need to call her on Monday. I accidently overlapped scheduling with her and Izzy's speech therapist. Melissa used to come on Thursdays, she now comes on Tuesdays and I'm still getting used to the change. I also want to ask about therapy for James and what exactly she intends for our appointments with just Jason and I.

She mentioned "parenting" vaguely. She also said she would come twice a week, once to work with us as a family as a whole and once to work with just Jason and I. Now me, I already have a personal therapist whom I like a great deal. She and I are already working on aspects of parenting, along with other things. To me, it seems rather redundant, and a waste of resources to have Elsa ALSO doing this. I was also told that James would have to stop seeing his therapist because with the new program they would do that with him. So far, no mention of that has taken place. James needs that one on one therapy.

It looks like we are going to be close to snowed in this weekend. Jason is going to need to go to Home Depot or Lowe's tomorrow afternoon to get parts for the lock for the front door however. Our landlord is coming over on Sunday to a pre-run through of the rental inspection. I'd like to have the door done, or at least have Jason working on it when Garry gets here. I need to work on tidying up the office and the storage room. I also need to get to Wal-Mart (crap, it's looking like a family trip tomorrow evening) so I can get a few bottles of natural deoderizer for the carpet upstairs. We need something that will soak through the carpet in to the pad. I had one bottle of stuff that worked REALLY well in the living room. It's somewhat expensive, however it will definately be worth the cost.

I suppose that is all for now. I told James to give me until 7 before he came to bug me about making dinner. We're having pizza bagels. I was thinking of tasty and easy. I can also make some that are just cheese for Izzy. Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you have a safe, and warm weekend. Oh, if you can see her, say hello to the full moon for me this week as we will be cloud covered as is usual for this time of year.

It's All Off

It all feels off right now, everything is what I mean. Jason was layed off from work, supposedly temporarily, though they can't say exactly WHEN he'll go back, on Friday the 5th. So he has been home every day since then. That certainly contributes to the feeling of "offness".

This past week I was HORRIDLY sick. I know it's a great excuse, unfortunately, it was TRUE. I HATE being sick. It sucks like nothing else. I have Jason to thank for that sickness as well. I didn't even kiss him and I still got sick! If I would have known I'd get sick anyway, I wouldn't have not kissed him. Yeah yeah, double negative and all that.

I couldn't breathe out of anything but my mouth. My lips got SO chapped from it too. I was sneezing and blowing my nose and just in absolute misery. Blech. I didn't feel like cooking, so the fam survived on either take out or boxed frozen crap. Either way, not what I would prefer to feed them.

I didn't talk to Jenn or Daisy much at all this week. With Jason being home every day, I took advantage and did a lot of sleeping. Oddly, that was a blessing. He does throw off my "usual" computer time during the day however. I'm used to getting up and turning on the comp and messaging on my regular boards and chatting with some friends and then getting to my housework and wrangling of the heathens. However, when I get up now, much too late in the day I might add because Jason is either super nice or just afraid of what might happen if he woke me, Jason is on the comp doing something with one of his games or something like that. Totally throws me off.

I love my husband dearly. I also really like him to have a job. Besides the obvious pay the bills reasons, there is the "get the hell out of my hair 5 days a week" reason. He is going stir crazy being home. He is finding out first hand how hard it is to keep the house clean and get things done with them running around like rabid puppies strung out on meth. Nice image huh?

I digress as usual. Today, he WASHED the bathroom ceiling. He needed something to do while I was ChaChaing and playing a game. He says he's going to paint it with the ceiling paint. I pointed out that I'd like the boys' room to be painted. We'll see how far that suggestion goes.

He's been helping out with craft time and the wrangling of the heathens. I told him to go out earlier today, spend some time alone, away from the house. He put me off. He said he'll go out on Monday. Um, ok. I have therapy at 1:30 so I certainly hope you are either home by then, or you can wait until after I get back.

I got a call on Friday letting me know that James is now in the more intensive therapy program. I know they do other stuff than "just" therapy, however I'm not quite sure WHAT that is yet. We missed his psychiatrist appt at the beginning of the month. I thought that it was on the 4th, turns out it was on the 2nd. Oops. It's now rescheduled for the 29th. I'm going to ask him (the psychiatrist) for a full report on what he believes James' diagnosies are so that I can apply for SSI once again. The first time was an absolute flop. It turns out that at the time I applied, the agency we had receieved services from before was going through a huge staff change and the people who were in charge of our case before left the agency. That means that the forms for the application weren't filled out and turned back in. Well CRAP. That was most of my supporting evidence right there!

It turns out that the closest in depth physio/psycho analysis is about 3 hours from here. It takes place over the period of 3 days. Good lord. I have Larry looking for one closer. When I meet with the young lady on Monday to start the paperwork for the new program, I'll ask her about finding one closer. I don't mind driving an hour or so, but not 3 hours one way over a 3 day period. Ugh!

I'm hoping next week is a little less "off". I'll try to be more faithful to my blog. I still have Thanksgiving pics to post, along with the pumpkin cupcakes from last week. Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope your week is filled with joy and happiness.

The Day Before

I'm sure that you all are out there, just getting ready for the big feast that shall descend upon our country tomorrow.

Last minute cleaning and grocery shopping. Ironing and meal planning. Figuring out who is going to sit where at the big table and all of that stuff. Me, I'm trying to decide if I'm going to make a pumpkin roll or not.

Jason said Audra was bringing pumpkin pie. That's great, and I appreciate the contribution. My question is this, is it JUST the pumpking pie? Is it only ONE pie? Because if it is, that's not nearly enough dessert for everyone. After all, in my household alone I have 7. Yep, you read that right, 7. Emily is joining us for the holiday.

An accident occurded today. One that James almost took the fall for, but the girls got a fit of conscience and came clean. They were goofing around in the closet and Emily got knocked in to the window. The glass broke. Now, I'm not so angry about the glass being broken. Accidents happen. What upset Jason and I the most is that until it became apparent that James was going to get in trouble for it, they "didn't know how it happened".

After they came clean, I tried to explain to them that it was important to tell us what happens WHEN it happens and in FULL. We can't best assess the situation if we don't know all of the circumstances. They were told not to play in the closet. Jason cleaned up the glass. I'm clumsy and I would have cut myself at least once. He put plastic sheeting over it. Thankfully, when storm windows were originally fitted for the house, one was put over that window. It's not a window that opens, it is there for looks more than anything. I am going to call around on Monday and try to find out how much it will cost us to replace the glass.

I told Jason that I wasn't quite sure what Jenn was doing with her free weekend, but I hope she enjoys the time. He said she was doing a little jig and it didn't matter much because she was "free" for the four days. I sent an email out to the in-laws to let them know we were having an extra child in the mix. Jason jokingly said he wouldn't have said anything and waited to see if they noticed! Hehe, our house is RATHER chaotic, so who knows how it would have gone?

My darling 2 year old has taken to waking in the middle of the night and not wanting to return to slumberland until 2 or 3 in the morning. This is VERY frustrating to me. Every time, it seems, that I think of getting up and heading to bed, in walks Izzy. Jeez child!

I had the oddest dream this morning. For some reason, I was living in an assisted living home, one meant for the mentally challenged. I know I say it so PC, but saying "retarded" has always bothered me. In my dream, we all took the home's bus to the library. They wanted me to wear special shoes. They were supposed to make me walk "correctly" or something like that. I felt so out of place, so lost and confused. It's like I belonged, but I felt like I had another "life", one I should have been living. The final straw for me was when we were all getting ready to leave. Apparently we were picking up extra people there at the library and bringing them home with us. I had it, I couldn't take it any more. They wanted me to wear the shoes that I hated. They were ugly and uncomfortable for me. I told them I wouldn't be getting back on the bus, that I was leaving and going my own way. That is when Jason woke me up.

I told him about the dream. About how it made me feel so "broken". He said "Do you know the difference between Apple and Microsoft?"
"Uh, no"
"One reads the numeric code from front to back, and one reads it from back to front."
"So which one is back asswords?"
"Microsoft. Bill Gates did it as a way to avoid infringing on a patent held by Steve Jobs. It makes the computer run slower, but it also enabled him to get a lot of contracts and eventually knock out Apple as a true competitor."
"Um, ok"
"Jamie, you are like Microsoft. Your brain works just as well, it's just wired to run differently than other people's. That doesn't make you broken, it makes you different."

While that is an odd analogy. Though it makes a lot of sense. I guess my brain doesn't want to infringe on the patents of others. Maybe it allows me to be more creative. Maybe it keeps me overly optimistic when so much would bring others down. Maybe it allows me to look at my kids and really enjoy them running around and acting like true heathens. It certainly makes me who I am.

I'm having difficulty coming to terms with this concept of "true self". I'm sure there will be plenty of posts about it. I'm also sure there will be plenty of things going on that I don't post. At least not right away. They may feel to personal or too fresh. I may not have it in me to go in to it once again. Oh, and from this point on, my therapist shall be known as Deb, The Bitch. She pushes hard, and she expects something back, and I think that is good. It really makes me stop and think and respond in an honest way. That can only be healthy.

This won't be an easy road by any means. There is going to be a lot of stuff I don't want to own up to, I don't want to look at, I don't want to remember. That being said. In order for me to get to a healthy point, to be the best Wife and Mother, I need to be the best Jamie. And that is going to suck. And be so worth it.

Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope you have a wonderful and blessed holiday.

Being Shrunk

I went back to therapy today. As Jenn said "How did it feel to be shrunk?" I suppose that is a relevant term.

How did it feel, how does it feel? Odd, that's for sure. It's an hour, or little over all focused on ME. How I'm feeling. What I'm thinking. How I'm doing. I feel like I should be hanging up a mirror and admiring myself or something. It all seems rather narcissistic.

I have homework from therapy. I know, weird right? She wants me write letters to my mother that I would never send. Talking about myself as a child and how I felt and the needs I feel weren't meant and all of that. My initial reaction is to say no. I mean, after all, it's in the past, isn't that where it should lay? Last time I tried to get out my feelings about all of that, my mom and I didn't speak for almost 3 months. Yeah.

Apparently I have a low level of self worth. It seems to stem from feelings from when I was a child. Um, OK. Sure, I do buy it. However it all seems rather selfish to do all of this. What exactly will it accomplish. Obviously, I'm not sending the letters, or sharing them with anyone but Deb (the therapist) or Jason. I'll do it, but who knows where it will get me?

Apparently I'm not TRULY depressed. I probably have some depression, like borderline. I can see that. Also quite a bit of anxiety that may be masking itself as ADD symptoms. If that is the case, then I've been anxious my entire life. I suppose as we go along, we'll figure out which it really is, huh?

Therapy is a study in selfishness I am coming to find out. Or at least how I perceive selfishness to be. It's all self centered and self focused and Me Me ME. It's a bit sickening.

That being said, I realize the need in me to go. Jason is an amazing husband. Supportive, loving, caring, all that super good stuff. I can't get him to leave no matter what (that whole self worth thing again). Trust me, I've tried, he just digs his heels in more. Whatever is going on in this messed up head that is on my shoulders needs to be fixed before I actually succeed in chasing him away.

Well, I am off to knit or write or do ChaCha or something like that. Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you have a wonderful holiday week.

Random Saturday

The thoughts meandering through my mind went a bit like this today...

I see the signs all over town "Pray for our New Leaders" and I have to wonder if the "conservative" guys would have won would those signs still be up there? I would think that ALL political leaders need our prayers, especially with the way this country is right now, don't YOU?

I'm going OUT on Friday with my HUBBY on a DATE! Like DINNER and SYMPHONY!! I feel so GROWN UP!!! I know that's funny, however I actually had to go buy a dress. Why buy a dress? Oh come on, you know what stay at home mom's wear. Jeans on a dressy day. Yoga pants on a non-dressy day. Pajama pants on a "Why the HELL did I get out of bed" day. I don't see "DRESS" in there at all.

So many projects to accomplish. I was hoping that I'd have the curtains for the house made by now. Um, I don't even have the curtains for the extra doorway in the girls' room finished!

I've been thinking of a list of things I'd like to work on in therapy. Just so I can give it to her. Part of the paperwork was asking what I felt I needed services for. I also asked Jason to write stuff down. He sees things differently than I do after all.

I'm making beef stew in the crock pot right now. The left over pot roast from last night, some fresh potatoes, and fresh baby carrots, all cut up. YUM YUM. At least I hope so. Tomorrow night we are having a whole chicken. Then I'll boil the carcass and have a nice good chicken stock in the freezer. I want to look for a buttermilk biscuit recipe online and make some from scratch and make chicken and dumplings from the chicken stock and the biscuit mix.

I need to buy my turkey this week. That is quickly approaching and I need to be prepared! I also need to figure out what else I am going to be serving. It will be just Jason's family joining us this year. My dad and Sue are going to be up north with her family. Her parents usually go south for the winter, but didn't this year, so they are going to enjoy the holiday with them.

Jason was supposed to call his sister about Thanksgiving. Oh well, I'll remind him again tomorrow. I need to send out my annual "this is our holiday schedule this is what the kids are in to" email to the extended family. Coordinating Christmas dinners for us is a plan that takes a month's notice. It's also why we do NOTHING on Christmas day aside from rent movies and get Chinese take out. From the 26th to the 31st we are running all over the state like chickens with our heads cut off!

Tomorrow is Almost Silent Sunday and I told Donna (a mommy on the Four or More board) that I would post pics of my scrapbooking stuff. She's trying to find some sense of organization in hers. I can understand that. I'm trying to find some sense of organization in ALL of my stuff!

Jason said he WILL take pics of me all GUSSIED up on Friday. I made a necklace to go with it. I'm working on a headband and a shawl. I'm wondering if I should go with barrettes instead however. I'll argue with the headband a little longer and see what comes of it and take it from there.

I am going to research Craftacular as a possible Etsy store name. I can always go with JDR. I like that. Simple and concise. It also happens to be the initials for BOTH Jason and I, so it easily describes that it is OUR stuff.

Prayers and blessings everyone. Try to stay warm, unless you are to the south, then try to stay cool. It's supposed to be cold and snowy for the rest of the week. It's about time, is what I have to say about that!

I've decided.

I'm going to start doing something Jason really doesn't want me to. He really can't give me reasons why, though I have my suspicions. It won't be an easy thing for me at all. I'm not going to particularly like it. When it comes to things I really don't like, I avoid them like the plague. However, it's gotten to the point where I can't do that any more. It's interfereing with me, with my family, with my relationships with everyone. Ironically, I'm not even sure what IT is. I can see it, I know it's there, but to say what it is, well, that is another fete indeed.

What is it I'm going to do? Therapy. Ugh. Go once a week, or every couple of weeks and talk with someone about what is bothering, what issues I'm having with life and try to get to the root of it all to maybe, just maybe, find some healing.

Why doesn't Jason want me to do this? This thing that may, or may not, find some healing and help improve who I am overall? I don't know for sure. However, what I THINK is that he wants to fix me himself. He loves me, he cares for me and about me. Maybe he feels that whatever is "broken" or "off kilter" he can remedy?

We've been doing it like that for quite some time. It's done some good. Hell, it's done a lot of good. I'm to the point where I need something more than just late night talks with the "Hubster". This doesn't mean I don't want those talks any more. Far from it. However, even after them I'm not finding the answers I need.

I know there are plenty who would say "turn to God". You have to believe that God is an entity out of your control in order for that to work first. I think my belief is that God is really ourselves. Sacrilidge! I know, I know. However, the mind is a mighty powerful thing, and we all have the abilities to change ourselves. Wouldn't prayer just be a form of self focus and meditation? However, I once again digress.

Jason does not have the life experiences that I do. He grew up in a completely different way than I did. Jason has never done some of the things that I have. He has never handled situations that I have. We have our lives together now. We got here from two very different points of direction.

Jason gets depressed. Maybe even more so than some people. When he was in high school and college he felt like an outsider, and did young kid kind of things, like drinking and fooling around with drugs. When he went home at night, he had a stable and loving environment to sleep soundly in, knowing that when he woke up the next, it would still be there and there was no threat to it, not really. Yes, he had trials and tribulations and the people around him did to, but it was NOT remotely traumatic, EXCEPT that his mother had breast cancer (which she beat) when he was in high school.

My life up to Jason was the anti-thesis to stability. It was chaos, pure and simple. Even as a child, I didn't know what to expect or when. There were years when I suffered through physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, some of them when I was at a very young age. There are many days when I sit down and look at myself and say "how the hell can I give my children what I never had, what I can only think of?"

Now don't go saying I'm blaming my parents here. Yes, they made mistakes, hell, they are people too. However, they did the best they could, or at least in theory they did. I'm not a judge. I do not get to say "You were wrong!" I wasn't in their shoes, thinking their thoughts, living their lives for them. I can only know what I know through experiencing and sharing my life with theirs. My perceptions may, or may not, hell most likely definatly not, be the whole story.

I'm done blaming myself on my past, my parents. It's time to let it go. To learn the lessons and let it lie. Every day, I get older and all of that gets 1 day further away from who I am right now, from who I was then. I need help in this journey. Guidance. Something that, while it will hurt Jason's pride, I know he can't give to me. Sometimes, he is the issue. That's honesty at it's best. I know there are times when I'm the issue for him. He has said as much.

There are so many things I want to do, want to be. Jason has no idea how to go about doing them. His response is simply "so do it". I run highly with self destructive behavior. I see it in me, I have recently begun to really recognize it. How I change it is another thing entirely. Do I want to change it? You'd think the answer would be yes. I know it SHOULD be yes. It makes me wonder though. By the way, it's not sex. When I was younger, that was part of it. Now, it's not.

Have you ever noticed how you are scared of change? What really is so intimidating about? It's just different, that's all. It's unknown. It is not how we have been doing things all along. When things are broken, wouldn't you want to fix them, even if the answer is something new and different and vastly unfamiliar? That's the kicker. Sometimes, broken is better simply because it isn't new. You can function in broken, you know what to expect (to an extent) and that makes it easier and less intimidating than new and different. However, it's STILL broken.

And that is where I need help. I need to find out how to get out of broken. How to brave the new and different and fixed. What if I don't like who I am? What if....well, that list could go on and on. It's not time to think of what if I do but to focus on what if I don't? I've never stopped to think of that part of it before. I need to. I won't fix the broken, change the ways, learn the new, unless I really grasp what could happen if I just leave it broken.

I try every day to get James the help he needs to be healthy and happy and grow up to be a good strong man who can care for himself, and maybe a family. Why would I fight so hard for him and not myself? Wouldn't it make sense that a fixed Mommy could better help the broken Son?

With that, I will leave this. I'll update on the therapy. Let you know how it goes. Share what I'm learning. Maybe it will help someone else. Prayers and blessings everyone.