Saturday, December 22, 2007

Where do we go from here?

It's a simple question really, however the answer is not even close. What do we do now? This whole thing is taking it's toll on me. It really and truly is. I know i'm seriously depressed. I'm suffering, and I know my family is suffering as well. It hurts Jason to see me like this.

Being like this makes him wonder if we should even consider trying for another. There are no guarentees after all. He doesn't want me to go through this again, he doesn't want to go through it himself again. Both reasonable and understandable points of view.

Am I ready to be done? To say "that's it, no more"?. I was before we found out we were pregnant. I was really beginning to come to terms with not having any more children. That is why I was so shocked to see that positive test. I couldn't believe that that was going to take place. I should have suspected, and in all honesty I did suspect, that it wouldn't be as it advertised.

I don't remember it hurting like this in June. I had so much anger at that stupid nurse though. Maybe that helped vent it all, I don't really know. Right now I hurt. It's all I do know. I am in no way a functioning person. Oh sure I go through the motions, but I'm on autopilot, doing anything that requires even a little bit of thought just seems to be beyond my ability right now.

Jason is trying so hard to be there for me right now. To be loving and caring and supportive. This is all so hard for him too. And I feel so horrible to put him through this again. To have him suffer because I suffer. I am trying so hard to make it better, to heal, but it's just not happening. It's out of reach for me.

I love my children, I love my life, I love my husband. I know those are truths. But they seem to be figmants that I just made up to get me through this horrible place. Being actually sick on top of it all definately does not help.

When will the ache be less? When will I be able to do more than function? When will I have healed?

The next question that comes up is should I do the testing? Do I really want to know? After all, we DO have Izzy, so something has got to work between us. And I have been pregnant 4 times, so it seems that Jason isn't at fault, it's me, or it's the combination of the two of us. Are those questions that I want the answers to? That all leads me back to the beginning, where do we go from here? Are we done, or do we continue? And if we continue, what answers do we seek, if any at all?

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