Friday, August 29, 2008


Well, the pride in my country continues. No matter who wins the election on November 4, history will have been made. In the oval office will either be a black man or an old white guy. And for their V.P will either be an old white guy (with the black man) or a WOMAN. That comes as total shock and surprise to me, and I'm rather certain to the ENTIRE country. I didn't see that coming at all. I've always pictured McCain as "a good old boy", one of the leading eletist that this country has been ruled under for the last 60 years. He surprised me today, and I'm very glad for that. Now I know that both men really have the country in mind, really want to bring change to the old political game. Kudos for both men, and good luck to them both.

Thankful Thursday a little late

I know that technically it's now Friday, however I'M still on Thursday, so Thankful Thursday it is.

Today I'm thankful I'm an American. I know you don't hear that often any more. And no, it's not just because of Senator Obama's speech earlier tonight, though that is part of it. Let me explain.

Here I was, born in to a country where I can go where I please, without a guardian or chaperone. I can wear what I choose. I can cut my hair without the permission of someone else and know that if it upsets them it really doesn't matter. I can drive a car. I can have a job. I can cuss and have sex and read and write whatever the hell I want. I can marry who I want, I can screw who I want, I can have as many, or as few children as I want. I can believe what I want, I can vote how I want. As a woman, being able to vote is a blessing too.

Here I am, in a country that made history today, at least for us. We bucked tradition and went completely against the grain, as Americans have done since we began way back forever ago with George Washington and Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, and all those other "founding fathers". As America did when the first pilgrims landed. I'm not saying that we haven't made mistakes. There are plenty of things to hang our heads in shame about in our history. As there is in every country's history. However, we started out bucking the system. We said "Hey, I don't like that, I'm gonna try something different" and away we went!

This election marks for an amazing change and buck to the system of how things have been done. As of now, whether Senator Obama wins or loses this election, it truly DOES mean that ANY little boy or ANY little girl who dreams of one day becoming the President of the United States CAN attain that. And for that, I am thankful.

Why is that so important? Think about it.

By the way, yes this is a VERY American post. I am an American and I'm proud of that fact. And if you aren't, I'm sure you are proud of where you are, so at least you can understand my pride, even if you disagree with me.

I digress. Why is it so important that that one man, that very particular man, has been nominated the Democratic contender for the biggest and bestest (I KNOW it's not a word, I don't care) job, the one that EVERY kid dreams of, either of meeting that person or BEING that person?

Because he's black. OOOH, I've gone and done it now. I made it about "race". He's not only "just" black, he was "poor black" from the south side of Chicago. I lived in Chicago. I KNOW first hand what the south side is like, and trust me, that boy that has become that man faced outstanding odds AGAINST him to be where he is standing today. I'm thankful for that boy's family who wouldn't stop, who wouldn't stop pushing that boy up, who wouldn't let the "odds" hold them down. I'm thankful for them pushing that boy so he can be so much more than he was "slated" to be, teaching him the courage and stamina and strength to stand up and say "I WILL" instead of sitting down and saying "I CAN'T" as so many young ones do. That boy became that man who stood up there before 84,000 people today and said "I WILL". And for that I am thankful.

I don't know who I'm voting for in the fall. When November 4 comes around, I'll have a good idea. It might be Obama, it might be McCain. I've got to see who McCain chooses for V.P. and I've got to keep my eye on the debates and McCain's own speach next week and in general how things unfold. I won't have made up my mind firmily until about Nov. 1. I know, I suck like that.

However, that one man made history today. He opened so many doors for so many people just by standing up there today and saying "I WILL" and for that, I am thinkful. He reminded me that being an American is GOOD and my country is GOOD and worth having pride in and worth standing up for myself and saying "I WILL". Even if you disagree with what he says, even if you disagree with his policies or his voting record or the number of zeros in his bank account, he made it a reality that America IS the Land of Hopes and Dreams and that every little boy, every little girl, no matter the odds, has the right, deserves the right, to follow them all the way through. And for that, I am thankful.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Longer Post

I was going to come back on Friday and make a longer post, I just got sidetracked by life. What can I say, it happens, especially around here.

I was thinking about death last night, and what it is like to die. No, don't go all freaking out, I'm not thinking of killing myself off, it's just a random wandering that my brain took while laying in bed hoping for slumber to find me. I was wondering where does ME go? Is that the part that goes to Heaven according to the Christians? Then I got to thinking, what makes me ME? Does everyone see their world like I see mine? I mean, out of my eyes and looking at things? I've always wondered what it would be like to be in someone else's head, to be thinking their thoughts and looking out of their eyes. That is what got me back to thinking about death. Do you come back as someone new? I'd like to remember this life if I do so that I can compare them, that's just how I am though.

Jason and I were talking about Merlin the Wizard today. How it is said that he lived backwards and we were trying to figure out exactly how that worked. Jason had no clues and just thinking about it made his head hurt. Me, I think when he was born was actually when he died and he lived backward from dying to birth. So on the first day that you met Merlin, it was the last day that he would know you. His yesterday is your tomorrow. Make sense? Yeah, Jason didn't get it either.

James is going to the doc tomorrow morning. He saw the endo last week. She told me I need to feed him more, and she increased his hormone shot a smidge. Tomorrow he sees the regular old ped. He hasn't had his Strattera for a week. Not from fault of mine, mind you. I called in last Tuesday for a refill because I knew he was running low and the pharmacy told me he had no more refills for that. The triage nurse called me on Thursday to tell me it was ready. I went to Walgreen's to pick it up, no refill, and none in their system. UGH! James is more hyper without it, but he is also in a better mood, happier. Though he does get frustrated with his school work a bit easier. I want to talk to the doc about that, see if she suggests a different med, or lowering his current dose and trying it during the day again or something like that.

I'm doing a new online money thing. I am expediting questions for a site called ChaCha. The questions come in, I rephrase the statements as questions when needed, correct capitalization, find a coordinating category, and send it on to someone who will answer the question. It takes from 20 seconds to 1 minute to do one inquiry. I set my own times for doing it. I'm getting paid for taking some time from the stuff I'm going to be doing anyway, like surfing the internet, reading blogs, and posting on message boards. Every little bit helps after all. I'm also listing more stuff on EBay, at least more regularly. That is helping to pay for homeschool materials and the groceries in the middle of the week when we need them.

Speaking of homeschooling. We started our first major project of the year this week and so far, it has been a MAJOR disaster. I got a poster board, and the brilliant idea that we would cut out the states and piece them together like a puzzle and make a map of the U.S. The problem here lies that the map outlines I had gotten were all of different scale, so when I printed them out, some were too big, like Rhode Island and Deleware, and some were way too small, like California and Texas and Alaska. Jason is going to put the map together for me in PhotoShop, and then I'll be able to print out the states individually so they will all fit together. Apparently, PhotoShop can do nifty stuff like that. I don't know how to use it, so it's Jason's project.

Tomorrow is another shopping day. We will be getting child support. I need to head off to Wal-Mart after James' appointment. We need cat food, Izzy's diapers, paint for the play room, rollers to paint the playroom with, and drywall tape. The drywall tape will actually be coming from Lowe's or Home Depot. I've looked at Wal-Mart and at Meijer for the stuff we used before and they don't have it, so it's time to go to the specialty places.

I know it's technically Thursday now. However, I'll do the Thankfull Thursday post later today. Everyone have a wonderful day. Prayers and blessings.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Short Post Now, Long Post Later

I got this from Country Mom, it's fun and cute. And I'm 31 in real life, so not really that different than what I am. My mom always said I never act my age, wonder what she'd think if she found out this thing thinks I act older?

You Act Like You Are 33 Years Old

You are a thirty-something at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

You're responsible, wise, and have enough experience to understand a lot of the world.

You're at the point in your life where you understand yourself pretty well.

You are figuring out what you want... and how to get it!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Thankful Thursday

It's now time for this weeks version of Thankful Thursday. I must admit that I am having a harder time this week coming up with things to be thankful for. I've had a hard week and some times, it's just easier to wallow in the hard than work to find the good.

This week I'm thankful I'm not dead. I'm thankful no one I know has died, cause dealing with a funeral and all of that on top of everything else would be a real harbringer of depression I believe. I'm thankful that, for the most part, we are all healthy. There is a weird flu/virus thingy going around and while it knocks you down for a couple of days, you recover quickly and there isn't too much puking going on. I'm thankful there is a house over my head and food in my belly. Things have been super tight this week, though we all have been able to eat our fill and not go hungry at night, and that's good. I'm thankful my garden continues to grow and I know that soon we'll start reaping the rewards of our home grown goodness. I'm thankful Jason and I have jobs. I think that will be a repeat each week. In this time of hardness for everyone in the country, and unemployment rates continuing to climb and costs climbing even higher, it's good to still have a job to go to.

I'm tired and worn out this week. I've had Allen and Jessi this week. They are Jack's kids. Adding them in with the mix makes me so thankful I didn't have twins with Jayden and another between Jayden and Izzy. Oh my my. I had James go in to the eye doc by himself to day while we all sat in the van for the 10 minutes it took him to get his glasses adjusted. I also sent him in to get our bread at Hardings. They have Aunt Millie's on sale for Buy One Get One, and with as much bread as all of these guys have gone through this week, 2 loaves for the price of one is ALWAYS good. We bought loaves 4 and 5 today. Usually we go through 2 to 3 loaves a week.

James went for a check up with his endocrinologist today. He has lost about 2 pounds and grown about an inch. The growing is good, the losing weight is bad. He's been eating like crazy. Now I need to have him eat MORE. His metabolism has gone in to super hyper active overdrive. He won't continue to grow if he doesn't continue to gain either. I need to start making sure he's drinking 4 glasses of milk a day. WOW! I'd do the whole milk, but he has a hard time digesting that, so we'll stay with the skim. Not to mention getting him to eat more cheese and yogurt. And carbs. And protien. He needs to start taking 2nds for every meal and snacking all day long. We got back the very beginning of January, and he should have gained some by then, I'm thinking at least 5 pounds.

It's kind of funny, I'm trying to lose weight and I'm trying to pack it on to James at the same time. We are trying to get him to gain weight in a healthy way. I could just stuff him full of junk food, however the long term health benefits of that are ZILCH. It seems that we both have food issues that we need to come to terms with. Wish us luck. I like to eat, and James isn't fond of it, so it'll be a struggle for both of us I think.

Once Jack's kids are gone tonight, I'm going to have James and Jayden help me make No Bake Cookies. It'll be a nice treat for everyone, and I can work on math and fractions with the both of them. School will be starting soon all around us, and I'm working on figuring out what and how I'm going to teach them this year. It's going to be an interesting year to say the least.

I've listed items on EBay. The profits from those sales will go to purchase school supplies for us. there are a couple of curriculum things that I'd like to get already. I'm trying to get multiple grade formats and unit studies for a lot of things. I want to try to find some good learning to read/phonics stuff for Jayden and work on pennmenship with James this year too. I've got a couple of sites that has stuff that is interesting me, and thankfully their costs aren't outrageous. I'm thinking I also need to dedicate some space in our filing cabinet for the downloads so that I can keep the lessons somewhat organized. I need to organize my office first. It's all rather overwhelming and exciting at the same time.

That's all for today. I'm going to go work on curtains or throw blankets right now. And make sure that James is folding laundry like he is supposed to be. Have a wonderful day and prayers and blessings.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

She's Doing It Again!

So much for just monthly drawings, hehe. Brandi over at Mountain Morning Homeschool is at it again! This week she is giving away a book on quilts. Me, I don't really NEED a new quilt book. I have at least FOUR.

I am, however, a bibliophile. Yeah, I admit it. There needs to be a group for folks like me. Like AA only BA, Bibliophiles Annonymous. Oh wait, there is! It's called the LIBRARY! Anyway, I collect books like they are going out of style, and I think with the digital age, they kind of are! I always knew Star Trek was a foreteller of the future!

I digress. I am supposed to post pics of my favorite quilt. I'm not sure I can do that because I have yet to even MAKE my favorite quilt. I can, however, post pics of the lap quilt that I made for Jason's mom. It took me forever. It was also my first non-baby related quilt. The first time I used "quilting tools" like the straight edge and rotary cutter and cutting mat. So here are the pics of those. I asked Jason to help make the blocks in to triangles, so he stacked about 10-15 blocks at a time and cut them all at once, so they turned out all different sizes. I made it work though. The color combo is not something I would have chosen for myself to keep, however Jason said they fitted his mom to a tee. Muted and colorful at the same time.

They aren't the best pics of it, however it's what i got at the time. The bottom one is of it streteched across the end of our bed, which is a queen, so that gives a good idea of how long it is. It's about 3 feet wide and around 5 feet long. I know, so precise, right?

Well there are my entries for the book drawing. Have a pleasent day everyone. Prayers and Blessings.

How was Monday?

Well, around here, I was sick. Aching in the head dizzy and nausea inducing sick. However, I did do a couple loads of laundry, kept the kids fed, kept the house somewhat picked up, and completed 1/2 a puzzle. So not too bad. My eating I didn't log. I also didn't eat much of anything. It's hard to get excited about food when every time you stand or move your stomach churns. Blech.

Today I'm feeling a bit better. Not so much with the head pain and what not. It seems that everyone in the house has it. It all started with Jayden. It also seems that we each have our own version of whatever it is. Her strep test came back negative, so it's not that, thankfully.

I'm watching my nephew Allen and my neice Jessi this week. My brother Jack started a new job and while he will usually work evenings after his darling wife Christina gets out of work, his training this week is during the day. I'm home anyway, so what does it matter adding a couple of extra kids? They are pretty well behaved so that's good at least.

James has all kinds of appointments this week. He has a check up bright and early Thursday with his endocrinologist. And he has therapy on Thursday too. I'll be bringing the entire crew with me for those.

My food journal will be sketchy at best this week, however I'll be working on the housework as I come back from whatever it is that is making everyone in the house feel like crap.

This afternoon I'll be setting up the pool for the kids. I'll actually be setting it up BEFORE this afternoon, to give it a chance to warm up, however they'll be able to play this afternoon. I think they'll have a lot of fun, and it will give me a reason to get them all outside while I pick up the house and wash dishes and get some laundry folded.

On Thursday evening, we are doing family photos. We haven't done full family photos since Izzy was 2 months old. We do the kids individually each year around Thanksgiving so we can give them as gifts to family. We are all going to the park Thursday evening and Christina will operate the camera for the few shots that have all of us and Jason and I together. I am hoping they turn out well. They'll be done on film. We currently don't have a digital SLR, though it is on the wish list of both Jason and I for our income tax return next year. That along with about a million other things.

I hope you all have great days. Oh, and Miss Britt, it will get better. I know you want to reach through your screen right now and strangle me, but just take my word for it, it will get better. If it helps, think of how much worse it could be, that usually helps put it all in perspective. Prayers and blessings.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Technically the 18th...

Well, it's now technically August 18th. The day I set upon myself to change some serious habits. To try to make life around here a little smoother, a little nicer, a little healthier (at least for myself on that last one). I'm still on Sunday, however as it is now Monday, I'll refer to today (Sunday) as yesterday, kosher?

I asked Jason what his priorities in my trying were. What it is he'd like to see me do in a list, a chore chart. I made a list. A list that I'm going to convert in to an actual chore chart. With designated days of the week and everything. I'll also be making charts for the kids. They need to help too. It can't be just me or just Jason. It really needs to be all of us, even Katy when she is here.

Here's my list:
Kid's bath cleaned up - take care of the cats (litter, food, water) and pick up toys in bathroom
Dishes - stacked, scraped, neat
Laundry - washed, dried, folded, put away
Meals - planned, cooked, served
Playroom and Upstairs Bedrooms - picked up, dirty clothes brought down, beds neatened
Pick up after ourselves - trash, mail, toys, dishes, food
Dining/Living Rooms and Downstairs Bath - picked up, wiped down
Kitchen - clean up, wipe down stove, counters, microwave, sweep, mop up floor
Office and Downstairs Bedroom - pick up, reorganize
Table, Chairs, Couches, Floors, and Windows - wipe down and vacuum as needed
Water and Weed Garden areas - as needed
Lesson Plan for next day
Storage Room - organize and sort
EBay/Work at Home option/Wal-Mart work
Personal Projects
Family Time
Computer Time

Ah yes, my computer time comes in dead last. It really does need to. I'd like to get a work at home job that will really replace the Wal-Mart income. I'd like to always be able to be home, to cook at least, if not for all the other good reasons. Anyone have anything where they make a decent amount of consistent income while being at home?

Obviously, not all of those things will be done every day. They'll be split up a bit. Jason said it wasn't so much the washing of dishes he wanted done, just trying to get myself and the kids to keep them a little more organized. Plates and bowls stacked. Everything scraped out. Keeping them as neat as possible, so even the dirty dishes don't look like such a mess.

I may move the exercise up further on to the list, or have it on the chart 5 days a week. Planning the meals will help also. I'd like to be able to get to the point of doing a whole week at a time. That way, on the days I do work, Jason will be able to take a look, get what is needed for the meal (if I haven't made it in advance), and put it all together. I would like to have more stuff set up in the freezer, just pull it out and heat it, however we need a 2nd freezer really to do that for the family our size.

Reorganization is going to be a big thing around here. What do we need? What can be tossed? What can be sold? What can be donated? By reorganizing, it will help keep things picked up and neater.

I will be doing more follow through with the kids. I can't tell them to go do something and then not check up on them and then be angry when it's not done. They are kids, they need supervision and direction. How are they to learn the correct (read MY way) if I'm not there with them, showing them, teaching them?

This week I will be caring for my neice and nephew as well as my kids. Allen and Jessi will be here because my brother is starting a new job, and his training is taking place during the day. From what I understand, on normal occassions, he will be working evenings. So this week will be a little more hectic than usual, but I'm sure we'll all do fine.

That's all for now, it's almost 2:30 in the morning and I really need to head to bed. Jack will be here around 9:30 with the kids. I hope the migraine leaves me as I'm sleeping tonight, or I'll be a grouch tomorrow morning. Prayers and Blessings.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Thankful Thursday

I'm going to try to do something a little new and different. I want to have more positive posts about my life as well as still the venting. So I'm going to dedicate one day a week to being thankful right here. Thankful Thursday. Let's see how it goes.

Today I am thankful for my home. For the money that pays the bills to keep the lights on and the water flowing and the internet humming. I'm thankful that both Jason and I have jobs because in this economy, especially in this state, those are hard to come by. I'm thankful for Jason's recent raise. I feel that they looked at my husband and gave him a raise that reflected his true value and worth to his company. I'm thankful for the time with all of my children together. They are wonderful and amazing and bright and I laugh and smile at them and with them each day.

When I stop to think about it, I'm thankful for a lot. A lot more than I listed even. It's so easy to get caught up in the drudgery of the day to day. The tiny fights and arguments and things that just make you wonder what the hell you are bothering for. I think it's important to stop and look out your window and see the grass growing or the wind blowing or the rain falling and realize that there is so much more out there that could be wrong, that it's nice to say "It's good what I have".

Lately I've been finding I need to find an inner peace. I need to be happier with what is right here in front of me, because it truly is wonderful and fulfilling. By keeping calm myself, my home runs more smoothly. There are less arguments and bickering because everyone else doesn't have the added stress of yelling and dissatisfaction.

I'm being honest with myself, honest with the kids. If they want something we don't have, that we don't have the money to get, I tell them. They appreciate the honesty and accept the answer. They understand what it means when I say "I'm sorry, we can't do that, I figured we would all like to have electric lights and running water so I paid the bills instead".

I used to take the money and spend it willy nilly. The bills were getting paid, but haphazardly. It was healthy for any of us. We were always at risk of losing it all, and the entire blame would have been mine. My life had been in survival for so long. Jason is stability, he has been since we have been together. However, I created instability to keep that survival mode going. After all, I didn't know anything else.

A calmer, slower, more secure life is what we all need, what we all desire. Be acknowledging in myself that I was creating the havoc, creating the chaos, I can now work on changing it. It won't happen over night. Habits are hard to break, and some more than others. However, I need to try. I need to try for the sanctity and security of my family, of my home, of my marriage, of myself.

Prayers and blessings to all you readers of my words, of my words. May peace and security and thankfulness find you too.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Three Day Skirty Challenge and Some Musings Too.

All righty, here I am in all my skirtted glory. The first day I wore a skirt to work. I looked odd and everyone wanted to know "what was I doing in a skirt?" So I told them about the blog challenge and then they all said "wow, you have a lot of free time don't you?". Well, no, not really. It doesn't take a lot of free time to wear a skirt instead of pants. The point was to do all the regular old stuff while wearing the skirt, not stop the stuff just because of the skirt. I made dinner before I left. Macaroni and Cheese and Hot Dog Casserole. Yum Yum!

For day two I went with a black asymetrical skirt that I keep in my closet for when I'm feeling "skirty". Here I am cooking again, that's chicken that I'm waving at Jason. I made Buffalo Chicken strips and Cheesy Fries. Definately a repeat in this house! I also worked quite a bit on Jayden's Pink Frog Dress. Using the sewing machine is pretty easy in a skirt, though because of the chairs we have (wood) and the fabric of the skirt my legs would stick occassionaly, so I had to make sure it was pulled very much down. I've also noticed that people look at you a little oddly when walking around in a skirt and you aren't wearing a tank top and flip flops on the bottom. At least a tank and flip flops would indicate that you are a college kid or just coming from the beach or something like that. Why would a woman WANT to wear a skirt if not for those reasons?

For the third day I wore this red skirt. I had to mend it a little before putting it on. It's rather old, and it had gotten some small tears between the tiers. Brown comfy Mary Jane style shoes and a white top completed the outfit. We spent a good chunk of the day shopping. Picking up some needed items at the Wal-Mart that I work at. Again with the looks, and the questions of "what are you so dressed up for?" As you can see, Katy followed in the skirt wearing extraveganza. So did Jayden. Here Katy and I are making Monte Cristos for dinner. MMMMM MMMMM. They went over SUPER well with everyone, including James, the Pickiest Eater on the Planet. I didn't try with Izzy, he's not a meat eater for some reason. That is also the apron I have had for EONS it seems. That IS paint that you see on it. And all kinds of stuff. Because I am used to wearing skirts for lots of things, I didn't find any difficulties with getting tasks done. I have found, however, that I don't have skirts that fit me anymore. I do have patterns for skirts stashed away, but I've never bothered to get them out. I'm thinking that I should, and soon.

Now comes the musings. As I've been reading Country Mom's blog, I found a post about her 2 cents. About being a mother, a wife, a woman. And what she thought of all three of those. Country Mom is a very devout christian. I don't know if her faith is extreme or not, however she and her family have gone "off grid" to live in a community of like minded followers. They are modest God fearing people. They live off of the land as much as possible. While I would never personally do this, I commend them in their faith to be able to do so.

I have stopped to ask myself "have I been a good wife and mother?" I often before have asked myself this question. I've always wondered how a woman allows her man to feel as though he is a man, and still feel herself too? Can she truly be herself and be for him at the same time? She also mentions making a house a home. Keeping it neat and tidy. Making sure that everyone is fed and the clothes and dishes are washed. Things like that. She stated that men work at providing all day, they are tired. The last thing they want is to come home and be told to do more work. They want to take the time to relax, spend time with their children, enjoy the meal and home they provide.

At this moment in our financial situation, we can not afford for me to not work. I do know, however, that Jason would love to earn enough so that if I were to work, it would be for my own personal reasons, not because I had to so we could make ends meet. I know I don't do enough around our house. I haven't made our house a home. We still have boxes stashed away in the storage room from when we moved in. In my office as well. We don't have pictures hung on our walls or curtains on our windows. I've only finished painting one room, and even then I haven't completed the curtains or decorations for the room.

I am, hands down, one of the worst housekeepers on the planet. Not because I suck at doing it, which I don't when I actually do it, but because I'm too lazy and I don't care enough to actually do it. How does that make my husband feel? He knows I'm home all day. When he comes home and there doesn't appear to have been done anything, what does he think? Is he ashamed or upset at having me as his wife? I don't know. I do know he picks up the slack, and I allow it. I am wrong for that. I am just as physically capable of cleaning as he is. There is no reason for him to work a 40 hour week and then come home and clean all weekend. He should be allowed to relax a little. Does this mean he shouldn't do projects around the house, like fixing walls and weeding and things like that? Well, no. However he shouldn't have to wash the dishes and clean the kitchen and bathroom and do the laundry. Those are tasks that I am capable of doing on my own every day.

August 18. That is the day I stated I would start working on myself. On my phsical self. Isn't my home a part of that physical self? Shouldn't that be included? The answer, I believe, is yes. I want my husband happy with his help mate, his wife, his love of choice. I want him happy in his home. I want him to feel at home and know that things are going well. He needs to know he is providing well for us and I think that if he came home, and he could sit and relax and enjoy instead of clean and clean and clean, he would know that. He would know that I do respect him. That I do care for him. That he is worth the effort required of me, that I currently don't give, to keep things cleaner and tidier.

It's all good to say now, let's see how I hold out in practice. I will try. That I will do.

Follow Me Oh Followers

I'm sure there are some out there. According to my Site Meter Weekly Report, there are a few of you at least. Anyway, you must all now follow me over to Mountain Morning Homeschool (yep another link you can't see, at least I'm changing the color of the link manually, right?) for her giveaway! That cook book looks splendiferous and a vintange apron too! I have an apron, I should really take a pic of it. I know, for the last day of my challenge for the skirt wearing, I'll wear my apron while making No Bake Cookies with the kids and have them (or Jason, depending one WHEN the cookies are being made) take my pic! It's kind of loud by the way. I do have a pattern for new aprons. I almost bought a pattern for a more "girly" apron, but I'm rather certain I can "girly up" this pattern as it is.

Jayden's pink frog dress is coming along very well. I'll have pics of that tomorrow as well. I took her to the doc tonight and she has strep, at least that is what the doc thinks. Jayden got compliments from the doc AND the nurse about her dress. I'm busting at the seams with pride. Knowing I can make her something that adorable, and that other people appreciate it and that it's not ridiculed for looking "too home made" or something like that, which is always my fear. I have a fear of failure, what can I say?

Oh, I was reading Miss Britt (another link, trust me!) and she is so brave and wonderful. She put herself out there completely and I commend her for it. She is no longer making excuses. Well, Miss Britt, you have issued a challenge. August 18. If you can do it, so can I. Here is my open discussion. I am 5 feet and 5 1/2 inches tall. I weigh at 283. This is a problem. It's a problem for how I look, but also for my health.

I don't want to be a skinny minnie. I can't be a skinny minnie and be healthy and happy. However, 100 pounds HAS to go. It has to go for so many reasons. This past week was horrible for me. It's why I didn't post. Jason and I have gone through another miscarriage. I wasn't even sure I was going to share this. I am now, so it's out there. It was the third time we've done this in a little over a years time. We weren't trying to become pregnant. We had accepted that another baby just wasn't going to happen for us and we were really at the place where that was becoming very O.K.

Then this pregnancy took us by surprise. We knew about it for just over a week. Then it was gone. I had all kinds of blood draws done. 4 to be exact. I was taking extra hormones. And Folic Acid. None of it made a difference.

Jason and I have decided that a combination of condoms and Natural Family Planning will be in store for us for the next 6 months. Once that time is up, we'll go one of three directions. We will either continue the NFP/Condoms combo for another 6 months (til our birthdays in June), Jason will be scheduling the vasectomy for some time in Feb., or we'll throw the NFP/Condoms out the window and have another go at the baby thing.

I NEED to lose weight in order to be serious about the baby attempt. Losing weight helps with fertility. It will also give me a better body image for while I would be pregnant. It would help me already have in place healthier habits for a healthier pregnancy. My long term health would be better for it. There are lots of reasons to lose the weight.

I know that ONLY 100 pounds puts me at 183 or so. I get that. I've given birth to 5 children. I've been pregnant a total of 9 times. I'm never going to look like I did when I was 17 again. When I was 17/18 years old, even then I wasn't a skinny minnie. I weighed about 150 then. I've got wide hips and wide shoulders and big boobs. Those things contribute to a higher weight all around. I'm not trying to change my body type. I don't want to look like Angelina Jolie or Cameron Diaz or Cindy Crawford or Brooke Shields or or or...., well, you get the picture. For one thing, I'm too short to be them. For another, my body isn't built like theres. My goal is more Queen Latifa or the models for Lane Bryant. I'm a big girl, and I accept that, I embrace that. However, I need to lose to be healthier.

So come August 18, I will try harder. I haven't been trying at all. I am making a pledge to try. I will post at least 3 times a week of the exercise I have been doing and the better food choices I am making. I will log my food on Fit Day (yep, ANOTHER link) and keep that daily intake to around 100 calories per 1 pound. It has been recommended to me by a fellow March Mommy that I should shoot for 2500 calories a day until I start to lose. You can all follow me on my journey. And root me own. And yell (well, please don't yell, I tend to yell back when I'm yelled at, so maybe some scolding would be better?) when I don't do as I need to.

Why blog it all out? Why not? It will keep me posting regularly. I also have this amazingly deep sense of shame and guilt. I'll do it because I'll have to post it. Follow the drift? Oh, and MF Jenn will be joining me in my journey, as she too will be pursuing that baby dream at some point.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I Know I Know

It's been almost a *gasp* week since I posted, I'm slacking, I know, I know. This week is proving to be sedate and busy all at the same time. I'm preparing for my court hearing on Friday. Katy Beth is here for the week. She'll be going home with Jenn after the hearing for 4 days so that she can go to her Middle School Orientation (how did I wind up the parent of a MIDDLE SCHOOLER?) on Tuesday, then she's coming back until Labor Day.

Today we are making No Bake Cookies thanks to a recipe from MF Jenn.

I am taking up the Skirt Challenge. I just found out about it yesterday. It was rather round about. I read Momzoo (there is a link with her name, just click it, can't see the link cause of the stupid formatting and I have NO idea how to change it, I'm not that html informed) regulary and she had it posted yesterday. She got it from Country Mom (again a link on the name, click it!). So I'm doing it too! I have always known skirts were Oh So Comfy to wear around the house and do work in. So today, I pull out my black one, or possibly my green cover up (which can also be worn as a skirt) and do general house stuff. I need to put a tiny hem (as in fix, not hem the bottom) in my red one (that i discovered upstairs in the storage room) and i'll wear that one tomorrow.

More pics of the garden soon as well. Maybe you can help me settle the debate as to whether it's broccoli or chard?

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

In a Funk

That's where I am right now. Where I have been for about a week. Funky Town. And not the fun 1970's inspired version either. I'm going through the motions, but my brain just isn't connecting with the rest of me. Today seems better than yesterday, thankfully, I just hope that it stays that way.

Times like this, I could really use a good cry. However, I just don't feel the urge in me to do so. Last night, I went to bed too late. I have been doing that a lot lately. Life has just thrown a few curve balls that boggle the mind and keep me awake worrying. I got in to bed and curled up next to Jason, hoping that the security of his arms would allow me the freedom to let it out. Damn if the man didn's start groping on me! There is NO way I'm in the mood for anything even remotely sexual. So I had to leave the security of his arms and the relief a good cry might have brought to me to escape his roaming insisting hands.

I'm rather certain that my mood is affecting my parenting. I'm not nearly as understanding, thoughtful, nor considerate as I could be. James gets on my last nerve much easier than usual.

Last night, James was complaining about how his life is so miserable, that we all hate him, blah blah blah. This came about because I made him use a plate that had Scooby Doo on it. I am not kidding. How I wish I were. With this funk, I got a little sadistic I admit. I am so very tired of hearing those words from James' mouth when I know, in fact, he does not have it horribly at all.

I looked at him dead in the eye and I said "You think you have it horrible?"
To which he cried "Yes, my life is AWFUL!" and a lot more crying and carrying on followed.

I grinned. When I grin and you are in trouble, that is not good news for you my friend. And he knew it. I said "Well. Let me tell you about how horrible I can make it. Let me see, I can take away your bed, your room, your clothes, your toys, your video games. You can sleep in the basement. With a blanket and a pillow and a mattress. You will wear only what I tell you you can wear. You will no longer get variety in your meals. You will no longer get sweets or good things to eat. You will have oatmeal for breakfast. You will have bread and butter and water for lunch. You will have peas, mashed potatoes, onions, and liver for dinner, every day. You will do 100 jumping jacks for exercise. You will not play, at all, ever. You will do hard manual chores like raking the lawn, digging up the garden, and scrubbing the floors, every day. You will stand and read the Bible, aloud, for hours, every day and that will be your school work. Now, do you still think you have it so hard?"
To which he started crying and said "No, it's not that bad. But you telling me all that stuff upsets me!" UGH!

Now, keep in mind this about me. I'm not sure I could go to such extreme, though it is tempting. If the child wants to complain about a miserable existence and being a slave, in my mind, it makes sense to show him what a truly miserable existence is. Odds are, however, that it would completely backfire on me. How do I teach the ungrateful to be greatful? How do I teach the angry to just let it go? How do I get through his thick ass skull that it really is so much better than he could imagine and if he were to look outside himself he'd see that? How can I teach him that when he says the things he says, knowing he means them, at least at that point in time, how much they hurt everyone around him?

Jason and I bust our asses to give our kids what we can, the best we can afford to. Yes, that means they don't get everything they want, all the time. I like to believe that even if we could afford to do that, we'd show some restraint. Short of taking it all away, and even then I'm not sure it would work, how do we show him, show them, that they have so much to be thankful for?

I know a lot would say "faith" or "show him God". Here's the kicker on that one. We aren't Christians. We don't believe in the Christian God and the One True Faith or anything even remotely close to that. James doesn't think there is a god at all. He truly perceives the notion of being forced to read the Bible as pure torture. Jayden gets some concept of it. I'm pretty sure Katy does too. So it's not really how we are teaching that seems to be the issue here, at least I don't think so. It's the student. It's that thick ass skull and the self centeredness that is completely his father's attitude all over again.

My funk does not make parenting a child like James any easier at all. It makes it more difficult. He makes me so angry. I hate feeling that way, especially in regards to one of my children. He is so thoughtless and ungreatful I have to wonder what the hell is wrong with him. How can he not see what he has and how wonderful it all is?

I think we all need to start being more positive about what we DO have and less negative about what we DON'T have. That may help. He focuses in on the comments about difficulty paying the bills and how there are things we'd like to have in place of what we already do have. We need to start talking more about the great things we have here in place already. Focus more on the positives. Wish me luck. With a funk like mine, that very easily could lead to a depression that I'm trying to fight back tooth and nail, the positive is a dificult thing to see indeed.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Discovering Something New Every Day

This is what I believe is a zucchini plant. Don't mind how I am spelling that by the way, I keep going back and forth as to whether it has 1 C or 2. Anyway, I'm going to bring your attention to the leaf shape on it.

It looks slightly like a spade, yes? Originally I was thinking I had cantelope growing in 2 spots in the garden, based solely on the flowers themselves. Upon closer inspection, I notice, however, that the leaf shape is significantly different.

Do you see the leaves on this one right there, above? Now look at the one directly below. See the difference? The one above is right next to the plant with those pretty yellow star flowers. The one below is on the other side of the carrots. As I was weeding today, I noticed that, while the flowers look the same, the leaves are significantly different.

This one above has leaves like the zucchini/cucumber plant. Still not sure what it is, but I'm told a cucumber has white flowers while a zucchini has yellow. The plant directly below has bright orange flowers, just like the one above, and the leaves are not shaped like a squash

I did find another tiny couple of plants, over on the other side of the orange flowered squash leaf shaped plant that has leaves shaped like the non-squash shaped orange flowered plant. So I'm wondering, could I be getting watermelon and cantelope and pumpking and zucchini? Jason couldn't figure out how the cantelope was planted in two spots. Well, maybe now we know that it's not cantelope after all. Time will tell. It's amazing what you find when you take the time to rip out all the weeds.

In the next couple of days, I'll post pics of my transplanted broccoli and tomatoes. And I need to train the non-squash orange flowered plant to go out in to the area that isn't around the lettuce so that is not also smothered. Wish me luck. This gardening is a lot of work, but I'm really enjoying it. MF Jenn is bringing over tomatoes at the end of the week. I am going to learn how to make homemade spaghetti sauce and can it. That will certainly save us some money this winter!

Saturday, August 2, 2008

A Quick Update on the Garden

Well, the kids sunflowers are beginning to come up. I'll take pics and they will be drawing pics for their ongoing science lesson.

Our veggies are beginning to make an appearence. I pulled up a carrot, and for all it's plumage on top, it was a tiny little thing underneath. We have some broccoli trying to come it, but it was planted in the midst of the zucchini/pumpkin/cucumber/some kind of sqash, so it needs to be transplanted to a different area so it can thrive. I need to seperate out the tomatoes and tie them to the fence so they stay up right.

I'll post more pics in the next couple of days. Right now, I'm off to the storage room to attempt to find some clothes to fit Jayden and Izzy. I know they are up there, however it's a matter of digging through to find them.