Monday, June 30, 2008

Met My Goal

My personal goal was to try to get my blog post count up over 30 by the end of this month. Basically to double it. Now, that won't be a goal every month, to double it, however I do want it to continuously go up each month by at least 15. What's the point of blogging if I don't do it consistently? For next month, I want to have at least 4 picture posts, one for each week of the month. Make it Picture Post Friday or something like that.

Today was the Status Hearing for the Custody with Katy Beth. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's never good to tell the judge that he has no jurisdiction over a hearing. Yes, Chris did just that. First he was talking about the "pending adoption" again. I've spoken with Jenn about that. It's not going forward. And I wasn't notified of it when it was filed. And I would object to it. Chris is also trying to tell me that custody is based on financial support. I seriously doubt that that is the only criteria. I think spending time with the kids is important too. Chris didn't want to admit to the judge that he hasn't lived with Katy in 4 years. It'll be interesting to see the judge's reaction when we go to court and he hears that while I have katy every month and for quite a bit of time this summer, Chris hasn't seen her since Christmas.

I worked this weekend. 2 Nine Hour Days. Ugh. My feet and legs are screaming in agony. I haven't done that kind of thing in a while. Having 2 weeks off made me soft, soft I tell you! I work again tonight. And tomorrow night. Then I have 2 days off and it all starts all over again.

Jason said last night "Maybe you should quit working". I told we couldn't afford that. He said he'd get a 2nd job. I don't like that idea at all. How would that be better for our family? And I told him that. At least this way, we take turns working and taking care of the kids and house. I'm home more and he's at work more, however it's still taking turns. I can't see how each one of us doing all of just one of those would make it any better. I think it would just make us more resentful as time went on.

We are talking. About money and feelings and all that goes with it. I have a feeling that we will be arguing more, simply because talking about money does that. For some reason, Money is never an easy or peaceful subject. It makes the world go round and it makes everyone stress out about it. Ugh. It sucks.

Today I start tracking my food again. And exercising. Ugh. My goal is to lose about 50 pounds before my sister's wedding at the end of next April. That seems to be a very approachable goal. That's about 1 pound a week. With tracking my food daily and exercising regularly I should be able to meet that goal. It'll be weird to lose this weight that I've been carrying around with me.

I never really "see" myself as fat. Not like I see others. I can look at someone who is "fat" and think "wow, she/he is fat" and then it hits me that odds are, I look like that too. I really hate that. I know it's pure laziness that has gotten me to where I am today. I'm hoping that I will be able to fight my very strong laziness factor and do it anyway. Maybe I'll start living the Nike slogan. I'll just add my own twist. "Just shut up and do it!"

I'm not sure if I'll be going back to church or not. Maybe intermittenly, but I doubt it will be a weekly occurance. The message is good. I just am very uncomfortable being bombarded with the "Jesus is Our ONLY Lord" thing. It completely goes against what I believe. The Only One God thing. And I feel hypocritical for sitting there. Why don't Pagans get together like this? Why are we so disorganized?

And one other thing. I was thinking this as I drifted off to sleep last night. I'm a "blankie" person. I have one blanket that I sleep with. Even if I'm not covered up with it, I still have it near me as I sleep. When I wake in the middle of the night, I reach for it. It comforts me. I was a "blankie" child too. So is James. And Izzy. And I know that they will continue to be that was as they grow in to adults. Why is that OK? To remain a "blankie" person. No, I don't carry the blanket around with me when I go places. I don't even allow Izzy to do that except when we are at home. I broke James of that habit a while ago. However, when I sleep, I "need" that blanket. And that's acceptable socially. Poor James WILL have to give up the thumb. It's ruining his teeth. And Izzy will have to get rid of the sucky. However, at least they will always have their "blankies" to return to, even if it is just in bed.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Hot, Miserable, and Need to Rant

Well, at least you have forewarning. First off, the weather. It comes every year. I know it does. And I always know I will be miserable. The heat, humidity and I just don't agree. I think it should stay in Florida where people go because they WANT it. Me, I would rather be in Alaska year round. Today's high is 88. Tomorrow's is 85. While I really want to bring the A/C units up from the basement, the low at night is 65. It's a debate. And one that the heat is winning. Jason is bringing those units up tonight. I know I'll be more pleasent with them in and on during the day.

Katy's dad is an ass. OK, more accurately, he is an ASS. Like donkey looking big eared bucket kicking pack animal ASS. Not that long ago, he went on a trip.

He currently lives in Connecticut. He moved there from here for reasons that are still vague and only understood by him in his twisted messed up mind.

He took the trip to Missouri. On the way, he stopped here in state to pick up his 2nd Baby and Her Momma. They went to Missouri for a week for a Harry Potter Convention.

No, I'm NOT making this stuff up. Trust me, I wish I could be, but I'm not. Let me just say that my taste in men has vastly improved since he and I were involved a Long Time Ago, in a Messed Up Mind State of Far Away.

Currently, I am trying to gain legal custody of Katy. It's what is best for Katy bottom line. It will be better for Katy's sense of security. Jenn's ability to parent because she won't have Katy's dad threatening to take Katy away every time she disagrees with him. All of that.

The court hearing is on Monday. I have found a sitter for the kids, thank you Jack. Jenn is coming from up North. Her friend is bringing her down. HE managed to convince the court he needed to CALL in his appearence.

OK, just a short while ago, he can afford to take a trip to Missouri from Connecticut for a Harry Potter Convention but he can't afford to come here for a hearing regarding the custody of his daughter?

Lots of words come to mind right now. Lazy. Good for Nothing. Jerk. Asshole. All that stuff. When it suits him, and his wants, he can MAKE time in his schedule. When it's something that is actually IMPORTANT, he can't.

Unfortunately for Katy, she knows what her dad is like. Jenn, Katy, and Jenn's daughter (His 3rd Baby) didn't realize he had taken the trip with 2nd Baby. Or that he had spent a week with her. They haven't seen him in MONTHS. How they found out? He posted pictures on his Facebook page. Which I copied on to my computer to show Jenn. She was outraged. As she should be. The girls were hurt and betrayed and angry. As they should be. His was uncaring. As he always is, it seems.

Jason is home now and bringing me fake cool air. Right now, I'll take any kind of cool air, thank you very much. I must go back to cleaning the living room. Blech. Maybe I can wait until after he puts the A/C unit in there?

Monday, June 23, 2008

The Sun Will Shine, You Just Need to Hold On

That was the message yesterday morning at church. Wow. That's what I've got to say about it. It was so fitting and so right. I will be going back to this church. Do I think that I will ever consider myself a "Christian" as others do? I don't know. I do know that I need to keep an open mind, and an open heart. I'm going to listen, to learn, to be inspired. To be reminded that the sun WILL shine, I just need to hold on.

Another thing the Pastor said was that every failure is not final, but only a step to finding the right answer. Get up, dust yourself off, and go again. This next time may or may not work, however you won't know until you do it. It amazes me that this is the opinion I've had my ENTIRE life. I have always felt that way. It's why self help books bother me so much. Why sit there reading how to improve yourself when you could be up and DOING it?

Today is a new day, and these are the cards I have been dealt. Now to do with them the best that I can.

I have always wondered about people who have said "God is talking to me". What are they talking about? How can they hear God talking and I can't? I've seen the beauty of Mother Earth. I appreciate the effort of Her labors. However, Father Sky/God has NEVER taken time out of his schedule to show me I matter, let alone spoken to me.

I am wrong however. He has spoken. Not in words. It's a feeling, in my heart, in my head. I just never shut up long enough to listen to what I was being told. My joy and pain and everything in between is Him talking to me.

I'm to the point now where it has been shouted so loud in to me that I had to listen. Ironically, it was in the form of an older man, who handed me a card and said "you have to come to church on Sunday" who got me to shut the hell up.

It's always amazing to me when you find what you didn't realize what you were looking for. Jason has been an amazing husband. He's a wonderful, caring, and thoughtful man. Of coarse we argue a little, we have our differences. We aren't the same person, so it stands to reason that we will disagree on things. The simple fact that I smile when I think of him tells me that he is RIGHT for me. However, I wasn't looking for him when he found me. I was looking for someone to date, to have fun with, and then move on from. I never moved on, and for that, I am eternally greatful.

I didn't think I was looking for a church. The last thing I thought that I needed was CHURCH. To me, that word does not bode well. Fire. Brimstone. Imperfection and unworthiness thrown at me at every opportunity. The ones that are "Good Christians" when in fact they are very embodiement of "Hypocrictical Christians". Every experience I had with church up until yesterday was that way.

That is, up until yesterday. Every thing was so uplifting, so joyous, so happy. That just is not the experience I was used to. It just went to show me that no one is the same, and that goes for churches too. That everyone has their own perception of worship. I believe the churches I attended before, the members that I interacted with were there to say they went, to say they were following "God's Commandments" by going. That by just being there, they were doing as they should and that is all that mattered.

Yesterday, those people who were there so very early in the morning, were there because they believed. They were there by choice, and joyously so. Such a refreshing and heart opening change from before. Next Sunday, I'll be going back, and I'm going to continue to do that until....well, until whenever. I'm not sure where this is going or how it will all end up. However, I'm going to let it play out it's course. After all, how will I know unless I do it?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Apparently, I'm going to church.

Yes, you all read that correctly. Because of the financial fiasco I have brought us to, we needed some assistance in getting a rather important bill paid (the one that keeps the juices flowing to my computer). I've gone to a few different places. All of them Faith based. The final two were churches. The first didn't require anything of me, just a whole hearted, well meant thank you. The 2nd says "you must come to church or we won't give you the money".

Um, ok. Here's the kicker, I don't mind. WHAT??? I don't mind. Really, honestly, I don't mind. Maybe I will come Sunday morning when my butt is being drug out of bed at 7 in the morning so I can get ready to go to the early service, however right now, I don't mind. They are helping me in a way that I really need right now, if they want my butt in that seat on Sunday morning, then there I will be.

Are you ready for the full shock? I think I'll keep going. While I don't think I'll be dedicating my life to Jesus and professing any kind of undying dedication to the Christian faith, I do think that right now, I need some input. The church is a "black" church. I like those. They have better music and much less brimstone. It's more about love and caring. Why is it that us "white folk" must espouse the Horrors of Faith? Why must we be so droll and grim?

I've always gotten the impression that God (all of them mind you) was telling us to be joyous and happy. To live a life well lived full of joy and caring and love. How am I supposed to do that when my religious leader reminds me every week of the horrors that await me if I'm not a "good" christian? If I don't dedicate myself to that ONE faith and scorn all others?

Here's why I'm Pagan. Because I believe so many things that are all encompassing of so many beliefs. I don't think that when you die, you go to Heaven and stay there. I mean, you can if you want, but why not have another go 'round on this big ball of Earth? It was great the first time, why not enjoy it over and over? I don't think that Jesus was the ONLY savior. He called God "my father in heaven". Isn't that how ALL Christians refer to God? I believe in more than one God. Well, no, not quite. It's more one God and one Goddess. Father Sky, Father in the Sky, Father in Heaven. Isn't Heaven IN the sky?

Why Goddess? Because you can't make anything without a male and female. How could our planet have been created without BOTH? How could LIFE have been created without both? Mother Earth. She is the one who nurtures us and holds us close.

So my point is this, I'm going to church and I don't mind. The first time is because I really need to. Though I think that I really need to keep going, at least for a while. Use the time to reconnect. Reorganize. Rethink. Wish me luck.

Monday, June 16, 2008

My Eldest Son and My Sister

Today, I'm blogging about my eldest son. He really really really frustrates me. I love him dearly, however I really think he does it all on purpose. From what I understand, that may actually be partially true.

James has issues. He has a rather long list of them. He has so many and they overlap horribly. In fact, he has so many that it has been recommended to me by many of his care providers (doctors, therapists, case managers, etc) that I apply for SSI for him. I did, he was denied. I am appealing. That is a vent for another day however.

Yesterday, we went to the birthday party of my nephew and my step-nephew. They both turn 6 this week, Alex today (the 16th) and Tristan on Friday (the 20th). It was going pretty well. Katie wisely chose the location to be a park so the kids could run around and have a grand old time while the adults relaxed under the pavilion.

We ate a late lunch of hot dogs and burgers, chips, and potato salad. MMM mmm. The kids went to play when they were done with that as well. I was only intending on stopping in, saying hi, and then leaving. I really wanted to be at home, with my husband, on Father's Day, not traipsing all around the state (my sister lives 30 mins from me) to participate in a party my sister has thrown.

We didn't eat until at least 5. Why was the party not scheduled until 4 in the afternoon? Why not sooner in the day, like around 1? This, I'm sure, contributed to what happened next. James broke down. He broke down in to a massively hysterical crying mass of boy. Think of a 9 month pregnant woman who has been told that she is actually only 8 months along. Or a woman going through menopause who has lost her beloved cat. Or a woman going through the worst divorce in her life, and her dog died, and her kids hate her.

Why the woman references? Because I can't think of a SINGLE instance where a man would behave as James did. That's not sexist, though it may seem so, it's just fact. I have everyone telling me "it's the hormones". He's behaved like this BEFORE the hormones, so thanks for the tip, but you are incorrect.

The littlest stupidest things set him off. What set him off yesterday? I think it was a combination of the fact that he had recently woken up, he wants to buy a bow and arrow set (both Jason and I have told him NO!), and Alex and Tristan had a HUGE pile of toys for their gifts.

Personally, I think it's cruel and unusual punishment to other kids to open presents without something for them too. Why do people do that? I think it's better to wait until everyone is gone or something like that. I suppose with "normal" kids, they understand, however James is NOT normal (gods how I wish he were).

So he becomes a balling mass of hysteria and it gets worse and worse, so he makes his way from sitting next to me to sitting out by the fence to sitting IN the van. It's not fair to everyone else to have to suffer his tantrum. Now, my sister's in-laws were looking at me like I'm the most horrid person on the face of the planet. How DARE I treat my child like that and send him off. I also didn't bother to explain. Fuck them. Who are THEY to judge me? Yay, they go to church and are good "christians". Well, if they WERE good christians, they WOULDN'T be judging, now would they?

James even escalated to the point of telling me that "I hate him" and that "I never get him anything nice". I looked him dead in the eye and said "if I hated you, why am I giving you cake?" Oddly enough THAT seemed to get through his addled brain and calm him down.

I'm sure that my sister was wondering how James would behave at her wedding next spring. Well, that makes 2 of us. I'm already stressed out about the wedding. She has already stated that children are invited, so she can't say "James can't come because kids aren't invited" or whatever excuse she could come up with to not have him there. James would like to stay over at my sis's house at some point this summer. Just him and Alex and Tristan. James wants to play with the stuff the boys got. I also know there is NO way I would allow him to stay over there, not overnight. My sister screams, A LOT. I yell, she SCREAMS. That does NOT go well with James. What would she do if he melted down? She doesn't have the patience nor the tolerance to deal with James. I'm not stupid, and I'm not going to set my son up to fail like I know he would in that situation.

OK, my sister is marrying the guy she was engaged to about 8 years ago. She left him then because he was an ass. He hated me. Now he tolerates me, how sweet. I think my sister has a problem with being alone. She sees Tim as being "safe". Whatever. They have their issues, and they are falling back in to the same patterns as before. I'm glad I won't be in their marriage. And while I will lend a shoulder for my sister, I won't really care that much. It's her bed, let her lie in it.

Her wedding. She has asked me to be her Matron of Honor. I'm not sure why. I have never thought of us being that close. I don't want to ask her "hey, why did you choose me?" Seems kind of rude, and believe it or not, even I would not do that. She wants a shower, a bachlorette party, and the wedding.

I told her I would organize the bachlorette party. No problem. I'm willing to do that. But the shower? Why does she need one? All it means is more gifts. She is one to always say "I want you there for your presence, not your presents" but she is so full of shit while she is saying it. She couldn't stop bragging about how Tim's family took the list of stuff she suggested and called later and asked for more. UGH. Where's my puking smiley when I need one? She is so full of it. To her, the STUFF really DOES matter. I'm going to ask Christina if she would be willing to organize the shower. I just feel REALLY uncomfortable doing it.

Here's the way I see it. They live together. They have lived together for close to 3 years now. The shower is supposed to be to get the stuff for your house. Or your trousseu or something like that. All stuff they already have. She says she's not going to register anywhere. I don't believe that either. So now I'm expected to do a Bachlorette party (which I'll be paying for out of my own pocket, thank heavens for income tax returns), a gift for the shower, a gift for the wedding, a dress, dress clothes for the kids, and all the added stuff that goes with that? What is up with that?

Oh, how can I ask the other attendees of the bachlorette party to chip in nicely? CAN I do that? I know that I'll do all of these things. I'll grin through them and then come here and vent all the frustrations out. Gods help me with patience. I'm going to need it. Not just dealing with my son in the next few months, but also my sister. She's a planner. Overly so. So as the date draws nearer, she's just going to start freaking out more.

Anyway, other than that, we had a pleasent weekend. How about you?

Saturday, June 14, 2008

The Two Questions and A Bucket List

However, I must digress a moment. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!!!! Hehe, I KNOW he reads this blog, he says it's his way to find out what I'm pissed off about easiest. That man knows me so well. My darling love turns 31 on this glorious day. I'll be that age in a few days. For a few short days, he's older than I am. Well, I suppose he's ALWAYS older than I am, even if it's just a few hours. He was born around noon on the 14th. I was born at 6:28 in the morning on the 18th. We were born the same year, if you couldn't figure that out.

On to the two questions and a bucket list. I was watching that tonight, "The Bucket List". It's a damn fine movie. Sad parts that make you want to weep a little, damn funny parts too. A couple of my favorite actors are in it, Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. They are sitting on the Pyramids of Giza. Is that how that is spelled? Anyway...and Morgan Freeman is lecturing (as he is throughout the movie) on various knowledge.

The ancient Egyptians believed that when you died, you were asked two questions at the pearly gate and how you answered those questions is whether you got to go through or not. Now, I personally like this better than someone sitting up there over analyzing everything I've done in my life. The questions are "Have you had joy in your life?" and "Have you brought joy to others?"

Yes, I have had joy. Just the thought of my husband brings me so much joy I smile. My children bring me joy, no matter how I complain about them. They are being children as usual when I do that. However, watching them grow and change and learn and bloom brings me so much joy my heart bursts with it and my eyes weep with it.

Yes, I do believe I've brought joy to others. I am a child to my parents, as my children are to me. I like to believe that they felt about me as I do mine. Jason as well. He has told me that I bring meaning to his life. There are many times where we talk and connect and laugh and just enjoy one another. That's all I need, and if that is what determines whether I deserve everlasting happiness, then I know I've lived a full and wonderful life.

In the movie, the guys make up a list of things they want to do before they kick the bucket, hence the name of the list. What would be on your list? What is on my own list? I've never stopped to ponder my own mortality with a seriousness before. I've wondered what being dead would be like, but more as a ponder than a curiosity I wanted to act on. My biggest worry is to lose Jason before I'm ready for him to go. I know, however, that it will ALWAYS be before I'm ready for him to go, so unless I pass first, I'm screwed on that one.

Are there things that I want to do on my own? Things I want to do with Jason? As a family? This gets me back to fear, and my earlier post. Would the things that I've allowed fear to rule, to intimidate me out of be on that list of things TO do?

So I'm wondering, how would you answer those two questions? And what would be on your bucket list?

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Sophie's Choice

I just watched Sophie's Choice. This is a movie I had never seen before. Thanks to Bossy and her commenters. It got me looking for it. I bought the DVD on EBay. Being the impatient sap that I am, I HAD to get it from the library, on VHS (you know, cassette tapes for the VCR?) nonetheless. I also checked out the book. If there is a book to a movie, I will read it. I think I need to go to EBay to get "The Stand". Now that is a GOOD movie, and an EXCELLENT book. Though Gary Sinese being in it throws me for a loop. Every time I see him in anything, I always yell out "Lt. Dan!".

Back to Sophie and her choice. The movie (and book) is about her, her boyfriend Nathan, and the narrator/3rd wheel Stingo. It's all about their interactions and the relationship between the three of them. Yeah yeah, you can see where this is going right? Trust me, that's NOT Sophie's Choice at all. You don't find out until the end. I almost cried damnit. I also couldn't make it.

Anyway, go get yourself a copy of it somehow. Either VHS (for us old foggies out there) or on DVD, grab a box of tissues and have yourself a good cry. Jason had NO interest in the film. He went to bed instead. Go figure.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Personal Responsibility

This is where I'm going to get a little Republican on you. Just so you know, I'm one of those middle of the line pansy waists who can't pick just ONE side of an election, I DON'T have an affiliated political party, I'm sorry (well, no I'm not really sorry, I like things from both sides) I just don't.

What the HELL ever happened to personal responsibility? My recent slip and fall has brought to light how much that has gone by the way side. Here's what happened. I slipped on some water and I fell. The fact that I did this at WAL-MART (not the one I work at, one across town, and no, I wasn't working) takes the blame of this incident and puts it on The Company, instead of on me. If I would have fallen at home, it'd be my fault.

Apparently, when you fall anywhere but your own home, or come to ANY kind of injury, no matter if you are a klutz, or doing something stupid, or just not thinking, or it just happens to be the right combination of circumstances, it is no longer your fault, but the fault of The Company. It seems as though The Company has purposely set out obstacles in order for you to come to your accidental mishap.

Here's the kicker in all of this, it's an ACCIDENT. NO ONE purposely set out ANYTHING that made YOU hurt yourself. It was YOU AND ONLY YOU. So why do you get all "sue happy" and try to take down The Company? Are you embaressed because you looked like an idiot in front of others? Yep, I thought so. So your stupid pride is hurt and that makes it the fault of The Company.

When I slipped and fell, I was in the green house, they were watering plants (imagine that!), there were wet floor signs, and associates in the process of cleaning the water up. Yes the water was in the main walk area and it had come over from where the plants had been watered. However, this does NOT make it The Company's fault for me walking through this water, slipping on the water, and then falling in a way that I twisted my ankle.

Numerous people told me I should sue Wal-Mart. For what exactly? Medical bills? That'd be nice if they paid them, however would they still pay them if I fell at home? Lost wages? Again, that'd be nice, however we come back to the "what if I had done it at home?" scenerio again. Because they can afford it?

So that's what you do, you hire one of those accident lawyers, the lawyer will take 1/3 of the money you get. All simply because The Company can afford it. Are you going to sue for a million bucks when your lost wages only equal about $300 and your medical bills MIGHT be $500? How GREEDY is that!

Moral of the rant is this. Get over it, suck it up. You did it to yourself, now suffer through it. They didn't maliciously set you up to hurt yourself. Your klumsy stupid ass did that well enough on it's own. Next time it happens, ask yourself "what if I had been at home?" and take it from there. I believe you'll come to the logical conclusion.

I'll post more later...

I had to share this. Thank you Dawn for this, I know someone sent it to you, however I laughed so hard that I HAD to put it here. There are SO many days where I just want to do this!

Saturday, June 7, 2008

I just LOOOVE to say Monkey Butt.

This evening, as I'm sitting at the table putting together ham and pineapple pasta salad, Jayden decides that the funniest thing ever is saying "monkey butt". Now, it's not really funny that she is saying this odd little phrase. No, what's funny is her laugh AFTER saying said phrase. She laughs EVERY time she says it. Of coarse, her laughter is contagious. I start laughing, James starts laughing, Katy starts laughing, even Jason gets in on the fun.

We are all laughing at this point. It calms down for a moment and Jayden says, to no one but herself really "I just LOOOOOVE to say monkey butt" and that just gets us all laughing all over again. In fact, laughing so hard that Katy falls backwards in her chair! To add even more visual to this picture, Katy had on a cap with highlighting stuff on her hair, wrapped in plastic. All she can picture, which she shares with me as she sets herself back up is the thought of her falling back, hitting her head, and all the goop on her head squirting every where! This sends us all in to fits of laughter all over again.

James and Jayden are freshly bathed. James has taken to wearing boxers, a fact he doesn't mind sharing with any one who cares, or even doesn't care. As it has been in the upper 80's for the past few days, he wears a t-shirt and boxers for bed. James was sitting in the papa san, legs spread eagle. I happen to glance over at him and I said "James, close your legs man, you could slip out and no one wants to see that".

James responds with "I can whip it out if you want".

To which he gets a resounding "NO!" from Katy, Jayden, and I.

My children are hilarious. When did they develop these personalities? These senses of humor and comedy? They grow every day, and there are many days where I feel like I'm watching them change directly before my eyes. There are also many days where I am hoping and wishing for them to just grow up and get out already!

I love my kids dearly. I really do. There are days where I'm pulling my hair out by the roots because the pain keeps me sane. Then there are evenings like tonight where I really appreciate the interactions and cherish the laughter and connections. I hope that it's moments like these that they remember. I know I will.

Thursday, June 5, 2008


It seems that I'm just chock full of life lessons as of late. Go figure. Today is procrastination. This is something I am SUPERB about. It's in my nature. After all, there IS always tomorrow, until that one day where there ISN'T tomorrow. But I digress.

I find myself putting off things to be done. For no real good reason. Just that I really don't want to do them. That they annoy me. That I'm feeling lazy. That I just don't want to.

I do that with everything. All of my projects, blogging, paying the bills, going to work, all of it. I hate stopping whatever it is that I'm doing to go do something else, no matter how pressing that something else is.

Obviously, this is not good. It's a habit that must be broken, however I even procrastinate on doing THAT!

Today I baked a cake. For once, I'm actually on top of a project and completeing it in a timely manner. The cake needs to be decorated for my step-dad's party on Sunday. The cake requires quite a bit of time to cool, then it needs a crumb layer of frosting, then a regular layer of frosting, and then the decorating frosting. Between each layer of frosting, it's a good idea to let the cake "set up" for a little bit so that the next layer goes on a bit smoother. This "setting up" can take some time. Which is why the cake needs to be baked on Thursday when it's for a party on Sunday.

Laundry is a big one that I procrastinate on. Oh, and paying the bills in a timely manner. I figure I can always wash the laundry later, and then I get distracted and I just never get around to doing it. It's why we always have the 2 baskets of laundry that need to be washed. It's why there is, more often than not, a couple of baskets of clean laundry on the small couch. Oh, add cleaning to the list too.

The bills. I always set them aside with the "intent" to pay them, then I see something I want or the kids want or Jason wants, or that we need, like food, and I use the money that is for the bill for that stuff. OK, the needs yes we need to make sure we have, but the wants? My justification is simply "We'll have the money next week". But we never have the money next week because it all starts over again.

And the cleaning. I hate the cleaning. The physical effort that it takes to do it. I'm lazy by nature. It's why procrastination works so well for me. The time that it takes to do the cleaning I could be doing something more, well, fun. Like blogging or playing on Pogo or checking a message board.

I have all these things I intend on doing that never get done. That's the thing, they are great intentions. It's the follow through that is lacking. So how does a person go about finding that follow through, that motivation to get off their fat ass and say "screw intending, I'm doing it NOW"? I have never been able to find that. I do good for about a day or so, and then it's all back to how it was. And that my friends, is where I am right now. Looking at all the things around me that I "intend" on and wondering "where the hell do I begin, and where the hell do I find the motivation to do them all?"

Wednesday, June 4, 2008


I was thinking about things, as I'm prone to do. Jason tells me I think too much, but I don't think so. Anyway, in my thinking I realize that I've allowed fear to really manipulate me. I've allowed that one feeling to prevent me from doing things I should have, could have. I've allowed it to intimidate me in to backing off. I've allowed it to dictate how I will act and react. Well I'm done with that. How can I say that I've lived my life to the best it could be if I allow something like fear dictate to me.

Don't get me wrong, a good amount of fear is good. It keeps you alive. It (hopefully) prevents you from doing REALLY stupid stuff, like putting that shotgun up to your head "just to see what will happen".

Fear has this way of taking control however that isn't healthy in the least. It makes you doubt yourself. How can a very obviously smart person NOT see in themself that they do have what it takes. Humans have been terrorized since they came about. Terrorized by the Nature, other humans, self made environments. We always overcome. That speaks so much about our abilities. And yet, so many of us allow fear to dictate to us when, in fact, it should be us dictating to fear.

So today, I want you to look at fear and say "you shall not rule me, I shall rule myself" and then I want you to do ONE thing that you have been afraid of.

By the way, my one thing is confronting my fear. By acknowledging that I even have fear, I have believed I am weak. Jason has taught me many many life lessons. One of them is that I am NOT weak. My emotions, and acknowledgement of them, and their perceived weakness, does not make me weak, in fact, it does the opposite, it makes me strong.

Good luck today, I'm sure you'll need it.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Welcome to June

So I've been gone a while, I know. It's been a rather busy last few weeks. Not so much during the week, but on the weekends, and I've just been too plum tuckered to really want to write much.

I didn't get the dress done in time for Jenn, which I feel horrible about, however it's so close it's ridiculous, so I'm going to finish it up, and get it on over to her. She can always wear it to work. Then it's on to curtains for the girls' room. And then curtains for the boys' room. I'm thinking of doing some summer outfits for Jayden as well, after the curtains, so that I can use up some of the scrap fabrics I have laying around.

Today while at Wal-Mart, guarding the door, I was thinking. It's a rather mundane job, and I have plenty of time to think. I also have plenty of time to think while cashiering, however this thought occurred to me while manning the door. I want to look in to foster parenting. I'm still in the very beginning stages of interest, so it's still VERY much the looking. I thought I'd mention it to James' case manager tomorrow and see if he can get me in touch with someone I can talk to about it.

What brought this line of thinking about? I was thinking about having more kids. And the odds that we just aren't going to have any more of our own, it's just not really looking like it'll happen for us. Then my thoughts led to foster kids, kids in the system. They need good homes, consistent, stable, loving, caring. I'm a good parent. So is Jason. We have a good home. Consistent, loving, caring, stable. We also already have a son with special needs. Very similar needs to those of the kids in the system frequently. I wouldn't want to start out with a kid that was older than either James or Katy. I've never been dealt with an older kid, so I wouldn't fully know what to expect, and I'd like to at least be a little prepared for the issues of those ages.

It's going to take a lot of research and time and thought and consideration about all of this. I understand that. This isn't something to be done lightly. Both Jason and I have to be on the same page about it as well. I'll see how it develops.

I'm so tired lately, and ready to just relax. We've been busy pretty much every weekend since the beginning of May. We still have 2 more weekends of business before the relaxation can start. Ugh. This week I'm finishing up the family tree and making a cake for my step-dad's surprise party on Sunday. Next weekend is Jason's birthday on Saturday, and dinner with his folks (thankfully we are doing that here so it'll be a little more relaxed) and Sunday is Father's Day. Then the following Thursday is my birthday. We are also picking Katy up on the 8th and she'll be here for pretty much an entire month, with going back to Jenn's the weekend of the 4th of July.

We got our Wii. It's super fun, and I'm glad I was able to get it before summer vacation started. The kids grumble about the chores that I require them to do, Jayden especially, in order to get their Wii time, however they do DO the stuff. I told Jason that I could get the house scrubbed with toothbrushes for their time, however I won't go quite that far. I do expect them to do quite a bit to earn just an hour of time. I figure it's a good life lesson. The sooner that you figure out that you bust your ass for minimal pay the better. It'll help set them up for the "real" world!

I'm going to try to be better about posting. I swear. Oh, I've lost about 5 pounds now with The Biggest Loser Challenge. I really need to step up the exercise and make that number even less. There are 4 weeks of the challenge left. I'd like to get to 270 before the end of it. I'm at 277/278 right now. I started at almost 284. Ugh. Little steps is what I keep telling myself. Oh, and I want to be the weekly leader at least once before the end of it. I know I'll be around for the next go round, and I know I won't be winning it this time around either. However, I'm in it for the long run, and that's what is important.