Monday, July 5, 2010

What makes it worth it?

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This is one of those rambling posts where I contemplate the meaning of the universe. Actually, I just contemplate life and the circumstances right now.

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I think I'll pepper this post with pictures of the things that I think make worth it. Just as a reminder for all those readers *ahem, my husband* who need a little shove.

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Things are difficult right now. They are everywhere. It always seems, that while you are in it, it is most difficult for yourself. That self perception really can get in the way of the whole picture.

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Things are hard. We live in Michigan. Jason has a full time job, thank the gods, however it pays $1.30 less than what he was making when he was laid off. Apparently, to one credit card company (Citi Bank of all people, didn't my taxes bail those jerks out?) the $2500 we owe them is worth garnishing 20% of Jason's pay. That takes a nice chunk every 2 weeks out. Admittedly that debt will be paid off in December, however it makes for interesting times now.

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Me working outside the home isn't an option. We've talked it up and sideways and back and forth. Jason needs to sleep at some point. We can't afford the daycare for 5 kids for the summer months. Let's not even get started about the school year and even contemplating placing the kids in "regular" school, aside from the fact that it has been reinforced by doctors, therapists, psychologists/phychiatrists that homeschooling is in fact the best thing for them.

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Where would I get a job that would let me leave multiple times a week for various appointments? Not to mention the phone calls each week to come pick up James because he "won't behave". I'm trying to do stuff at home. ChaCha. EBay. I found this search engine called SwagBucks. You earn points (bucks) and can cash them in for gift cards and payments to PayPal and the like. I figure it's a way to at least earn some money toward Christmas.

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All of this is to simply say we are trying. Trying our hardest to make ends meet in a very difficult time. It's not just a difficult time for us, however it kind of feels like it.

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We keep getting told that our kids are worse than we thought possible. We got a dx for Jayden. her IQ is 78. Average is 90-110. She couldn't even get in to a regular school in Forrest Gump's system (his IQ was 75) unless I did the principal the way his momma did. I don't think Jason would appreciate that too much, do you? She is always going to struggle to understand spoken and written language. Or maybe it's that she is born to speak a different language, one we don't know of yet? I was told that even the worksheets I've been having her work on are probably too much for her and we need to go even more relaxed in her schooling. That came from the psychologist that did her testing.

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Izzy most likely is autistic. He's trying to speak more now that he's in OT. His words aren't any clearer. He says the middle of the words, the softest parts, the parts that require the least use of his tongue. He is gibbering away all the time now. It doesn't make any sense to the rest of us, but at least he's trying. Hopefully we'll be able to get him in to a special autism program in the fall.

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My ped told me that our 2nd income should be from SSI for the kids. She also does not see how I could work outside the home. The hard part is convincing the SSI people that there is a need for them. That the difficulties I see every day are severe enough to impact them as adults. When you meet Izzy, it's obvious there is something going on with him, but not with James and Jayden. You really have to get to know them to pick up on it. That normality is deceiving and can be the downfall for the SSI. How do I explain to them what is going on? I have to pick up that defeatest attitude that my husband has been carrying around and portray it to the SSI Determination Board. It goes against so much that I see in the kids, but I understand it needs to be done. Apparently, I need to try harder. We've tried twice with James and have been told both times he isn't "severe enough". Jayden is the next one I'm trying for. Then Izzy. Then James again. I'd like to hire a lawyer to do it. But I think I need to be in the appeals part of it first.

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Well, I suppose that is all for tonight. We have a therapist/family aid/case manager/someone coming tomorrow. There is someone coming at least 2-3 times a week for various things. There are that many appointments as well each week that I take the kids to. So I have to go pick up the living room now, so that it will stay picked up (hopefully) until she gets here at 10. I am hoping that if Izzy watches a movie or two first thing he'll keep his destructive mess making tendencies in check. Here's hoping at least.

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Prayers and blessings everyone. Remember, that while you are in it, it seems like it is the worst possible thing and that no one is going through it, or has ever gone through it, nearly as badly as you are. Take yourself out of the perception and you'll see it really could be so much worse.

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I wanted to add the footnote that all photo credit goes to JD Rhodes Photography. All rights reserved. Copyrighted 2010 and all of that. Please don't use my photos (as I am one of the JD Rhodes) unless you have permission. Thanks.

5 comments:

the cat said...

(((J)))) The family photos make this post so bittersweet and heartwrenching. You are such a good mom.

Todd said...

I wish I had some words of wisdom, but alas, I don't. In the pictures you all at least *look* happy, so you must be doing something right. *hugs*

Captain Dumbass said...

You are in definite need of a lottery win or the death of a distant and bizarrely wealthy relative. Good luck.

Serial Mommy said...

Captain, sadly Jason's grandfather just passed, however I really don't think that we'll inhereit anything from him. Otherwise, we have no relatives that we don't know about that would even come close to leaving us anything.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

It looks like you had a little slice of happiness for the photo shoot.

I totally understand what you're saying about having to represent your children as worse off than what you believe in your heart; that said, I hope it works.

It's so frustrating that some people get SSI for being drug addicts and others that should qualify, don't.