I often wonder if she's a girly girl and planing a huge pink princess type blowout for her 16th birthday. I often wonder if she's more like me, tomboy and blue loving, wanting a party with just a few close friends. Either way, I don't know. I know where she is, I could shove myself into her life and try to find out. That isn't the best way to handle it. Instead sitting here wondering is the way to go.
She turns 16 today and I regret that I'm not there with her, celebrating this once in a lifetime super exciting event.
I have always said that I live my life with no regrets, that all that has gone on has been for a purpose, for a reason and that regretting it is wishing my life to be different than it is. That's only true to a point. I've come to realize that it also sounds like I'm not apologizing for my mistakes. I also once stupidly said that I don't apologize because it doesn't accomplish anything. I realize now that it does accomplish something, it lets the other person know that I admit that I am wrong and sometimes, that may be all that is needed, or can be done.
I often wonder what kind of young woman she has grown up to be. I am sure that she is moral and kind and brilliant. Maybe she's musically talented, though I don't know if she would play an instrument or not. Maybe she likes bright colors and flowers and lets her personality show through that way.
I fully believe that my mother has never forgiven me for cutting myself off from my daughter. She was the first grandchild and her namesake. She was very special to my mom, as it seems only one other has been since. My mom doesn't understand the why's or how I could possibly do that to her/to us. For her, it was the best thing, for me it was the worst. What else does it matter if it was the best for her?
I wish I had more recent pictures of her. So I could put them up along with the ones I have of her when she was younger. While she is no longer my daughter in name, she is my daughter in heart.
Prayers and blessings everyone. Hold your loved ones close. You just never know if there may come a time when you have to do what is best for them and worst for you.