Thursday, March 20, 2008

I've been here, but not really.

I've been playing with the blog, if you can't tell, but I haven't posted in quite a bit of time. I wonder why that is? I'd think of great things to blog about as I was supposed to be falling fast asleep, and then come morning, they'd be long gone out of my head, with the dreams I am sure I had just dreamt and could no longer recall. Things have been "weird" for me lately. I really can't put my finger on it. That's not entirely true. OK, fine, not true at all. Jeez, you guys are like the Spanish Inquisition! :D


It's been babies. That's what has been taking my time, my mind. And some other stuff too, but babies is where I'll start. Jason wants to keep trying for another baby. I don't know if I really want to do that. I'm tired and worn out. I was told I'd have to test as early as possible so they could make sure that things are "going as they should" and there is ALWAYS the risk of something just not going right at all. I don't know if I even want to attempt to go through all of that again. I'd love another baby, I really would, but at what cost? And isn't Izzy a good note to end on? Do we really NEED another child? Jason's family line is continued through Izzy. Afterall, he IS a boy and he IS named Dean.

A cute little girl to dress up and be frilly with. An adorable little boy looking so cute and stealing his daddy's heart. Those are images I have stuck in my head, that I'm obsessing over. And yet, I watch our other children grow and mature. As they age and become more themselves than us, I realize I've got great kids. Really awesome kids. Even the one with issues is better behaved than most withouth "issues".

Izzy is becoming a ham, he's a clown. His personality is blossoming and growing with the days. He's stubborn and willful and silly and so funny. He'll do anything to get a laugh. Jayden is downright beautiful. She is amazingly so, and so determined to not be smart too, though she's failing that miserably. James is smart and insightful. The things he thinks on, things I would never dream to consider. He keeps me on my toes with his questions. Katy Beth with her brain. She is a gorgeous beauty. She is going to make the boys beg and cry for her attention. Though I have a feeling she'll be more interested in her book than the likes of them.

I know that once you have another, you can't imagine your life without them. That's how it's supposed to work. We have plenty of pics of our life before Izzy, however it's like looking in at someone else's life. There are so many who desire children so dearly. So many who want and cannot have for one reason or another. Are we being greedy by continuing this path? Are we setting ourselves up for more heartache and hurt?

Jason has been on a quest lately to find "himself". To find his guardian animal, his totem I guess is what he said. He's trying to find a peace within himself. I can't help but wonder why now? What makes now any different, any better of an opportunity than before?

Lately, I've been so tired and worn out I can barely function. I don't have the energy to do the basic every day things, let alone go on a spiritual search for the "me" that is missing. I've been trying to exercise regularly, though that resulted in me GAINING 5 pounds. What is up with that? And now that I've "rested" a week, I've gone back down in my weight.

Jason told me I was a "good wife" on Saturday. He said that it was because I was taking all the kids to the park to play and not making him go with us, allowing him some much needed "alone" time. Though he has said it at other times. I don't feel like a good wife. I don't do those "wifely" things that most women do. I don't clean. I barely keep up on the laundry. I'm horrible with managing money.

Speaking of money, I've been doing a really crappy job lately, so of coarse that has been weighing on me as well. I told myself at the beginning of the year that I would do better. I'm not. I am going to stop carrying my debit card. I am going to start using cash to pay for things. That way, I can't spend what I don't have. I need to keep up on our savings. I need to start saving more for the kids. I need to budget MUCH better. Between Jason and I we make enough, even without the added bonus of the child support, that it shouldn't be such a stupid struggle for us. But it is, and it's my own doing. Why haven't I just handed it over to Jason? Pride. Shame. Fear. I keep saying I CAN do it. I'm ashamed of it, that I can't do it. I'm afraid of his reaction. No, he has NEVER given me reason to fear, however old habits die the hardest, kicking and screaming the ENTIRE way.

If this is truly like my journal, I should be posting more often, and I am going to try to do that. It's now almost 1:30, and I feel my lids getting heavy. I must retire and try again tomorrow. After all, that's all we can do, right?

No comments: