Happy Sweet 16

I often wonder if she's a girly girl and planing a huge pink princess type blowout for her 16th birthday. I often wonder if she's more like me, tomboy and blue loving, wanting a party with just a few close friends. Either way, I don't know. I know where she is, I could shove myself into her life and try to find out. That isn't the best way to handle it. Instead sitting here wondering is the way to go.

She turns 16 today and I regret that I'm not there with her, celebrating this once in a lifetime super exciting event.

I have always said that I live my life with no regrets, that all that has gone on has been for a purpose, for a reason and that regretting it is wishing my life to be different than it is. That's only true to a point. I've come to realize that it also sounds like I'm not apologizing for my mistakes. I also once stupidly said that I don't apologize because it doesn't accomplish anything. I realize now that it does accomplish something, it lets the other person know that I admit that I am wrong and sometimes, that may be all that is needed, or can be done.

I often wonder what kind of young woman she has grown up to be. I am sure that she is moral and kind and brilliant. Maybe she's musically talented, though I don't know if she would play an instrument or not. Maybe she likes bright colors and flowers and lets her personality show through that way.

I fully believe that my mother has never forgiven me for cutting myself off from my daughter. She was the first grandchild and her namesake. She was very special to my mom, as it seems only one other has been since. My mom doesn't understand the why's or how I could possibly do that to her/to us. For her, it was the best thing, for me it was the worst. What else does it matter if it was the best for her?

I wish I had more recent pictures of her. So I could put them up along with the ones I have of her when she was younger. While she is no longer my daughter in name, she is my daughter in heart.

Prayers and blessings everyone. Hold your loved ones close. You just never know if there may come a time when you have to do what is best for them and worst for you.

He Started School

Izzy started school on the 27th. He rode the bus there and back on the first day. He looked a little lost when I put him on the bus, but he seems to have quickly figured it out. He won't be riding on Thursdays because of his OT, but otherwise he does every day. He came home with candy from their Halloween party on Friday, along with a cold. He's very snotty and messy and has graciously shared with the other kids. I don't know if he'll be going in the morning or not. I am going to call and ask for their opinion. I think he'll be staying home for a day or two to make sure he is over the worst of it, basically meaning his nose is no longer running like a leaky faucet. I do have some pics to share, I need to edit them. They'll be up later today (as it is now technically Monday).

We did nothing for Halloween. The kids watched a couple of movies and Jason made up little baggies (snack size) candy for them. Considering that baggie is more candy than they usually have in a month's time, they were pretty happy about it. The high temp today was 49. It was definately a stay at home and veg out kind of day.

We start school officially tomorrow (well technically today). I'm still figuring out all of the lessons and there are some more materials I'd like to get. I do want to get the ball rolling and get the kids into the groove of it.

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you all have had a safe and happy Halloween.

Craft Giveaway

It's not a craft I'm making, it's one I'd like to make. I entered a contest to win one of these bracelet kits. I figure I can have Jayden help me out with them and she could give them to friends. Admittedly, if I knew how to make them, I wouldn't need the kit. I have plenty of stuff around here to make just about anything with.

I love favecrafts and the newslettes that I get in my email. I admit that I save them all there, for easy reference. Yes they all of the crafts that are listed are on the main site and I could search for them. Sometimes the ease of scrolling through the email and getting the ideas that way is nicer. I may be at a loss for an idea and I'll get the email and have an "AHA!" moment right there.

If you craft in anyway, I highly suggest you sign up for the newsletters. Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you have a fun filled and crafty weekend.

According to the BBC

I got this list from Unmitigated.

The BBC believes that most people will only have read, on average, 6 of these 100 books. Let's see how I stack up, shall we?

1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen (all Jane Austen books are on my to be read list)
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien (I will totally admit that I tried to read this book and I just couldn't do it)
3. Jane Eyre - Charolotte Bronte (again it's on the list to be read)
4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee (in fact, James is going to be reading this one this year, he just doesn't know it yet)
6. The Bible
7. Wuthering Heights (on the list to read)
8. 1984 - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa May Alcott (I've read all of her Little Women and Little Men books)
12. Tess of the D'Ubervilles - Thomas Hardy (Never heard of it before)
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller (never heard of it)
14. Complete works of William Shakespeare (Partially, and honestly they are plays and are meant to be seen performed, not read straight through)
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier (never heard of it)
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk (never heard of it)
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger (on my list)
19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger (on my list)
20. Middlemarch - George Elliot (never heard of it)
21. Gone with the Wind - Margaret Mitchell (and the sequel Scarlet)
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald (on my list)
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy (thought of it, it's a bit of an intimidating read)
25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh (heard of it in passing, not enough to be interested thoug)
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky (Ugh, that just SOUNDS like work to read)
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck (and East of Eden)
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll (and Through the Looking Glass)
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy (thought of it)
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis (wouldn't this count as one of the Chronicles of Narnia?)
36B. Because of the repeat, I'm substituting The Jungle - Upton Sinclair
37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres (never heard of it)
39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Aurthur Golden
40. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41. Animal Farm - George Orwell (I went through an Orwell phase just before freshman year of high school, I was a geek, I spent a chunk of my summer reading classic books)
42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45. The Woman in White
46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. Far From the Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding (I know this is a popular in high school and I'm not sure how I ever got around it and I'm pretty glad that I did)
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
51. Life of Pi - Yann Martell
52. Dune - Frank Herbert (Never had the desire, but Jason has read the entire series)
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon (good book on getting an inside look from the perspective an Asperger's mind)
60. Love in the Time of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck (on my list)
62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas (it's on my list)
66. On the Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70. Moby Dick - Herman Melville (in all my reading of classics I never had the desire to pick this one up)
71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes from a Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Aruthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - AS Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kuzua Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance - Rohnton Mistry
87. Charlotte's Web - EB White (along with The Trumpt of the Swan and Stuart Little)
88. The Five People You Meet in Heaven - Mitch Albom (along with For One More Day and Tuesdays with Morrie is on my list to read)
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthor Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. The Three Muskateers - Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare (I've seen it performed, does that count, and isn't this part of the complete works of Shakespeare?)
98B Due to duplication, I'm substiuting my own The Scarlet Letter - Nathaniel Hawthorne
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl (and the follow up Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator and James and the Giant Peach. I also have a collection of his short stories meant for adults)
100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

How many of those books have you read? How many do you think should be on the list? Have you even heard of all of them?

Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you are able to work on your own reading lists this week.

Izzy

The past 4 years have been a rollar coaster with Izzy. From the moment of his impending birth and the fact that it took 3 days for that to happen all the way through to this moment now at 1:08 in the morning when he is wide awake and standing next to me it has been an interesting ride.



He has definately done things the hard way as it's said. Maybe he just needed to do them in a way that would definately be memorable. Whatever it was, it will definately not be forgotten any time soon.



Spending almost his entire first year hopped up on drugs left him agreeable and happy. It also made figuring out what was going on with him later more difficult because everyone would always point back at that first year and say "Oh, it's just a carry over from that, he'll catch up soon enough".



I know his pediatrician mentioned in passing once at least a year ago, if not more, the possibility of autism, and if I thought that might be the case. I was firm in my statement that no, that couldn't be it. I was familiar with autism after all, simply because of all that James has gone through (Asperger's and ASD are both parts of the same spectrum of disorders) and Izzy just wasn't anything like James in behavior.



It wasn't until this past May that I actually considered the validity of the "Autism Question" as I'll call it. Jayden's therapist, who spent a grand total of MAYBE 10 minutes a week with Izzy said that she felt he was autistic and that he may benefit from a special local autism program. I didn't like the woman anyway, so as is my way, I told her off in a barely veiled "polite" manner.



What she said stuck with me. It just wouldn't let go no matter how much I told it to go to hell and that it couldn't possibly be the case. Then I did what I usually do and went looking for answers. The thing about answers is that when you get them, they may not always be what you want out of them. What I was finding was that what was going on with Izzy very well could be autism.



Now that I knew about the possibility I went to the pediatrician and asked what to do next. So she told me. I put in the request for an evaluation through the local agency that handles that stuff county wide. I met with them for the original appointment in June. The evaluation was scheduled for the end of August. A very long wait for a final answer, and a very frustrating one at that.



At that first appointment the woman told that based solely on what I said there that it seems like Izzy is autistic and that he would qualify for the program. From that point on, I told people that he most likely had autism. We didn't know for sure, but we were looking for the answers and waiting for that day at the end of August that would hopefully yield them.



That day was August 26. I took Izzy at 9 in the morning to the school where we met with the team. There were 4 people on the team. For just over 2 hours they took turns playing with Izzy and talking with me. Getting as much info as they could through observation and from what I had to say. They left for 10 minutes. When they came back they had the answer. I had been told that they may need to do a home visit or two, and I was expecting that, but they told me that they wouldn't need to, that they knew then what was going on.



Izzy is autistic. He'll be attending the special program 5 days a week for 1/2 days, most likely in the afternoon. This is a year round program. It is run by the county wide agency, not the school district. He is going to remain in this program until they decide to "mainstream" (I really hate that concept, but I won't get started on that now) him and then he'll come home to be schooled. At that point, we'll keep extra services, if they are needed, going.



I know a lot of parents would be absolutely devestated with this diagnosis. I was expecting it. I am relieved to finally have it because now things can move forward with meeting his needs in the best possible way.



Prayers and blessings everyone. Don't despair if you get news that isn't usually seen as the best. Take it and know that with that knowledge you can do what is best and turn it around for the better. I know, that's so glass is half full all we need is love hippy stuff, but I honestly believe that.



All pictures are copyrighted by JD Rhodes Photography in the year of 2010. Please don't take them or use them for anything. That's just not a nice thing to do and you could get in some big trouble for it. Thanks.

Pink Frog Dress

I made this dress for Jayden and she wanted her pics taken while wearing it. As I'm rather proud of the work I've done on it and I think she looks absolutely FAB-U-LOUS I willingly oblidged.





I don't really know why, but I like this picture. Jason would be able to say lots of fancy camera terms, but to me, it's just visually appealing and it's not even like she has a big grin. Of coarse, Jayden really isn't a big grin kind of kind. She's always been a bit more on the serious side. She's either serious or goofy it seems.



Thankfully our yard out front provides a decent backdrop for photos, it doesn't require a special trip to the park or anything like that.





I like profile shots like this. I think it allows you to see some other aspects of the personality of the person than what you usually get from a direct on shot.



Jayden loves to make faces at the camera, the way that I do too. It's like it's own magnetism of some sort. We see a camera and we either try hard to ignore it or we pull a face.





I have the fabric cut out for another dress of the same pattern. That one is much different in color. It's got a classic blue rose theme going. I'm hoping I'll get to it soon, but I was thinking of making something cute for Abbey first.



Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope that you have a wonderful day. As a side note, all photos are property of JD Rhodes Photography. Please don't take them without permission. That violates some serious laws, not to mention that is just mean.

Laying It All Out There.

Lately it has come to my attention that I am not at all well liked or received by members of my family, be they by birth or marriage. There has been a lot of critique about how I do things around my house, the choices I've made regarding my children's education, whether I work outside the home, how I spend the money we do have, and other assorted things along that same path. So I've decided to lay it all out there for ya. After all, no one can really know anything until you know the full story, right?

Let me start off with my schedule for this week. Keep in mind that Jason works full time 3rd shift. So that means he has to sleep at some point during the day. We have it set up that he goes to bed between 1 and 2 in the afternoon on the days he works. On the days he has off, that can be pushed back to 4 or 5 if absolutely necessary. He gets about as much sleep a day as I do, which is between 6 and 7 hours. However he has to do it while the kids are at home. He's not a heavy sleeper like I am so it can get a bit wearing. On his nights off, I have him go to bed as soon as he can and then he sleeps through the night until I go to bed around 1 in the morning. He deserves it.

This week I had Monday free, which was nice, but rather unusual. Honestly, the only day a week I get free is Sunday, and on occasions it's Saturday. Though if James gets the scholarship for the art class he wants to take, there goes Saturday mornings. Oh wait, Jason goes to donate plasma twice a week, Wed and Sat mornings. He does that to help bridge the gap with his income STILL being $1.20 less than what he was making before he was laid off almost 2 years ago. The only way he was able to get full time was to go to 3rd shift, which also meant an immediate $1 extra an hour for shift premium, or the gap would be more like $2.20 an hour. While 3rd shift sucks, it made financial sense for our family to do it that way.

This week I have nothing on Tuesday morning until 11:30 which is Jayden's tutoring. Because of the severity of her phonological disorder, she needs a specialized tutor. We get a reduced rate for her tutoring, however it still costs us $30 a week out of pocket. When dealing with a budget as tight as ours is, $30 is a lot of money. We are lucky if we get child support from my ex each week to help cover that. Tuesday afternoon James has therapy at 3. Jason has Tuesday off so after James' therapy, he'll go to bed. I may ask him to stay awake long enough for me to cook him fried chicken (something he and I have been craving) before sending him off to bed for the night until 1 or 2 in the morning (at the earliest). Keep in mind I need to drive to both of these appointments and they both last for an hour and I can not take any of the other kids with me.

In the middle of the 2 appointments we have Bette, who is a parent aide and comes once a week, at 1:30. She'll be here for an hour. She frequently spends her hour here with one on one time playing with Izzy so that I can take that time to do some housework in a different room.

On Wednesday morning at 10 we have a developmental eval for the twins. It is taking place here at home. Because of the special needs of the others, it was highly recommended that we do this, so we are, just to set minds at ease all around. Jayden again has tutoring at 11:30. Because I think the eval and the tutoring will overlap a little, I believe that Jason will have to finish up the eval while I take Jayden to tutoring. Jason will go to donate around 8:30 or 9 in the morning so he can be home in time for me to leave to take Jayden where she needs to be.

On Thursday morning Izzy has the first part of his eval done. I have to take him to the school to do it. It will easily take 2-3 hours. There will be a couple of follow up visits to the house within the next couple of weeks to watch him in his home environment. Then it will take at least a couple more weeks (if not longer) to put it all together and come to a final conclusion and diagnosis. Jason works Thursday night and will head to bed as soon as I get home from that. Usually Thursday mornings are spent at OT with Jayden and Izzy, but it was cancelled because of the eval this week. Next week we'll go back to OT for the two of them at 10, which lasts for an hour.

At noon on Friday Jayden has therapy. As part of her diagnosis it was found that she has quite a bit of depression going on. I also wanted her to work with someone who has experience with working with siblings of kids who are on the autism spectrum, as we know James is and believe Izzy to be. Therapy will last for an hour and again, I have to drive her there and can't bring any of the other kids with me. Jason works Friday night and will go to bed as soon as I get home.

On the nights that Jason works, I wake him up between 7 and 8 so he can get up and take a shower and have some dinner and spend some time with us as a family before he leaves for work shortly after 9. He gets to work about 30-40 minutes early, but he has said that it gives him time to get in to the "work frame of mind". I can appreciate that.

James will be starting OT of his own. The OT that we use is getting the authorization from the kids' insurance so they can set up his first appointment. She has a group in mind for him to come with and hopefully that time will work with our already busy schedule.

James' sensory stuff has been very out of whack lately. He isn't sleeping well, he's overly and very easily annoyed with common every day things. He finds Jayden to be extremely annoying and regularly tells her to "shut the fuck up" and that he will "kill her if she doesn't shut up already". Each time he tells Jayden to be quiet or to shut up, he loses a day of video game time. He is still expected to do his chores, however there is no reward for the day. Jayden processes by talking her way through it and it isn't fair to her to expect her to be quiet for the sake of James. Unfortunately, he will have plenty of times in his life where the stimuli around him will annoy him and he needs to learn to cope. Learning to cope with his little sister talking seems like a good place to start. OT will hopefully help him figure that out.

Are you tired yet looking at my schedule for the week? In what I see as an ironic twist, this week is relatively calm. Next week has even more in it, and the kids' therapies haven't been scheduled yet. Add in a med check with the psychologist, therapy for me, and the unscheduled as of yet therapy for the kids and it's just chock full. Throw in the occasional check up for one of the kids with their regular ped or a doc check up for me and it's almost insane.

Are you looking at it and wondering when I get a chance to run errands? I fit what I can in when I am already out for appointments for the kids. If I need to bring a kid that isn't the appointment, like needing someone to try on shoes or clothes or get glasses fit, I make a trip home and trade out kids. I try to set aside a morning to go grocery shopping on my own. I have Jason pick up things while he's at work already, like milk and bread and dish and laundry soaps.

Our afternoons are spent mostly at home. That doesn't mean we sit around and do nothing, sadly that is far from the truth. We have 2 case managers that come at least once a month. There is also the weekly parent aide. We are looking in to being able to get a cleaning aide to come 2-3 times a week to help me keep up on the housework. I know that our aides will increase once Izzy is in the specialized program.

What? I need help with the housework? Don't I have ALL afternoon to dedicate to that? Yes, and no. With the way the house is laid out, doing any work in the kitchen is very disturbing to Jason, who is trying to sleep in the very room attached to the kitchen, so dishes are out. It's why I wake him BEFORE I start cooking dinner each night. I don't usually cook during the day. That doesn't mean that the kids don't eat, it just means I'm not making hot meals for them. The older ones know how to use the microwave and are allowed in the kitchen one at a time to make their meals. The one at a time rule keeps arguments and the noise level down. Did I mention that Jason usually sleeps with ear plugs in?

Jack and Abbey still, thankfully, nap in the middle of the afternoon. While they do that, I have the kids help me pick up the living and dining rooms. Sadly, almost as soon as it is cleaned up, Izzy comes along and takes things back out and throws them all over. It's not unheard of for him to take things from downstairs and throw them around upstairs or vice versa. Izzy has no real concept of "play" and how to interact with things. He also has no patience to sit there to learn. I can take some time in the afternoon to work with him, but it's not enough unfortunately. It's another reason why I feel a specialized program is the right fit for him.

Oh, and Izzy is almost completely non-verbal. Meaning he has about 3 words he says, but only when he REALLY wants them. His signs that he knows are mostly used only after prompting. A lot of his time is spent crying and throwing tantrums because he simply can't make himself understood or he wants to do things that we stop him from doing, like taking all of the books off of the shelves or throwing things out the window. We had to box up all of the DVD's and get them out of the living room because he would constantly throw them around the downstairs. It seems that the more noise it makes while he does it, the more he enjoys it. He loves to throw his rescue heros across the dining room table simply because they are hard plastic and it's a wood table. It's things like this that also keep Jason from sleeping well.

Jack and Abbey are now at the age where they are not happy being contained in their pack n play or crib. They don't spend a majority of their day sleeping. They want to be out crawling and walking (which Jack is getting better at every day) around. We block off the doorway to the front hallway and the doorway that leads to the back part of the house and let them have free range roam over the living and dining rooms. This requires direct supervision by me. It means I can't be off cleaning the office or using the computer (even to do ChaCha which earns us some extra money) or in the kitchen cleaning or even taking laundry to the basement. It requires that we keep the living and dining room floors very picked up and clean. They have started climbing and have discovered how to get to the books on the shelf and love to take them out and throw them around. Climbing on the tuner and changing it from what is on is fun for them because it gets a reaction out of everyone in the room. We already have the windows usually closed because of Izzy, but with them crawling around also means that fans are not going. Unless we have the individual a/c units in the windows (and it's getting too chilly to do that) it is very stifling in these rooms because of the lack of air flow.

Aside from Jayden's tutoring and the shows that I have the kids watch on Netflix, we aren't doing any schooling right now. The shows they watch are History Channel specials and things like Mythbusters and Extreme Engineering. Jayden has taken a liking to Sid the Science Kid and the one with the reading team kids, I can't think of the name. We will start "normal" schooling once Izzy starts school. With him gone for a good chunk of the day, we'll be able to spend our afternoons with fewer distractions and interruptions from the work at hand. I'm already working out history and geography lessons, how I want to teach them both so it's at their individual level and yet doing the teaching at the same time. I've started prepping James so he knows that part of his reading time will be spent either reading to Jayden, or having her work on reading to him. I'm developing the best way to teach spelling and handwriting without it being a fight. I know James' focus in math this year will be multiplication, division, and fractions. Jayden will work on addition and subtraction. I want to use life lessons that teach science and math and reading, but I also want to do specific science experiments and work on the scientific process. I think we'll focus on natural science, but also touch on chemical science with chemical reactions like Mentos and Diet Coke. This will be the first year that James will be expected to complete a book report. They will both be working on their creative writing skills. They are anxious to learn and to a point, I'm going to let them lead the way. I'll offer the topics and see where they can go with it.

Izzy really likes Blues Clues and has learned to say clue. He interacts with the program. I am uncomfortable having the t.v. on all of the time. Unfortunately, Izzy has gotten destructive to the point that if we don't keep him directly occupied with either a movie or t.v show he really likes or direct interaction with an adult, he "entertains" himself by tossing, throwing, and destroying anything he can get his hands on. This especially includes throwing things at the twins and he has a pretty accurate aim.

Because of the things that have been said, it has greatly affected how Jason and I are planning to spend our holidays. Things that we would normally do, like host Thanksgiving dinner, just are not going to happen this year. Jason will probably have to work that night and I'll probably go to my mom's. At least at her place, while she may not understand the why's and how's of everything we do, she is always supportive and caring. She and I may have our differences, but I know that when it boils down to it my mom is ALWAYS there and it's NEVER conditional, even if she doesn't like who I'm married to, and I know that first hand from my previous marriage.

Our lives may not be ideal by anyone's standards. They may not fit the mold that was set out in front of us as to how it's "supposed" to go, but it is OUR life. We are doing the absolute best that we can with what we are handed on a daily basis. It would seem that would be the best that you could hope for, but it seems to not be enough. I guess the part that pisses me off the most is the fact that it upsets me that so many negative things have been said about me and it actually does bother me. It reinforces the faults that I already see within myself and the people doing the saying have no first hand knowledge of what it's like to be here, where Jason and I are, living our lives on a day to day basis.

I think I have covered it all from A-Z. I am certain I've stirred a pot, but honestly, it's beyond the point of making a difference any more.

Prayers and blessings everyone, even to those that don't like me.