Thursday, April 10, 2008

The Funny Thing About Depression.

All right, I admit it, there really ISN'T anything funny about depression, however that's how the statement goes. "The funny thing about..." and then you fill in your word of choice. Depression isn't a feel bad all the time never ending kind of thing. It has highs and lows. Sometimes you are at a high and you feel pretty damn good and then you are at a low and wonder what the hell was the point of waking up.

Right now, I'm in a mid to mid-high range. I think the weather break has helped. I also think just accepting it and taking it a day at a time has helped too. I just want to be "better". However, I don't even know what "better" IS. What would I do if I were better? How would I behave? Would the things that matter to me now still matter? What about the people? Would they still be as important to me?

There are so many fears associated with being "better" that I resist it. I know many people do. It's why you put off going to the doctor for as long as possible. You don't know what "better" will bring, and being as you are now isn't so bad. You adjust yourself to the "issues" associated with whatever ails you and you keep on going about your day.

So I've been told that exercise will help you feel less depressed. So I've been trying to exercise regularly. I know that losing some weight (a good 75-80 pounds at least) would really be beneficial to my health. I HATE exercise. It sucks. It requires so much effort. I have yet to see any actual benefits from it. I'm not really feeling "better" and the scale certainly isn't moving down. In fact, that horrid scale is moving UP. UGH.

I haven't reached 300 pounds yet, but it is slowly creeping up on me, much to my disdain and fear. Jason still finds me sexually attractive, which I completely don't understand. I feel like a big blob. He wants to jump my bones however. I ask him how he feels to know that I've gained about 50 pounds since we've been together. His response is "well, that's fine. You should work on it though, so you can be healthy. That doesn't change my attraction to you however." Damn man is so thoughtful and considerate. He won't even call me a blob.

I'm messed up, I acknowledge that fact. Now, how do I get to the point where the messed up isn't so directly influencing my life? What steps do I take so that a healthier and happier me has control of the reins? Do I read that horrid self-help book that that one therapist kept trying to shove on to me? I HATE self-help books. I honestly feel that if you need to read a book on how to help yourself, you should be locked up somewhere. Why read about it when you can go out and live it? Self-help books are so droll and boring anyway. How can a person actually get through one? The one that was being recommended to me even had a an accompianing workbook. How silly is that?

I don't know if I'm upset with Jason or not and his HUGE reluctance to go back to school. He wants a job where he can make more money, better support his family. Yet he is so unwilling to do the one thing that would make that a possibility. A reality. The degree he has now, while it IS a Bachelor's Degree, it is also pretty useless. He didn't learn how to make money taking photos, he just learned how to take photos. Which he does very well I might add. However, it's certainly NOT something he can support a family on.

My step-dad had a stroke about 3 weeks ago. It was a "minor" one. How you can have a "minor" anything when it comes to the brain I don't know. He is recovering well. Going to OT and has started back on his meds (the ones he should have been on all along). Generally taking better care of himself. My mom is tired. So very very tired. To her, my step-dad is like Jason. He was for her. She started dating him for herself. Not because she wanted someone to parent her kids. Not because she was alone. But becuase she wanted to. That is exactly what I went through with Jason.

Jason was for me. He was my friend with benefits. My get to know you guy. My one to go out and have fun with without the responsibility or worry of anyone else but myself. When he and I started dating, I kept the kids away from him. I didn't want him to get attached to them before me. If we were to seperate, I didn't want him to stick around because of them either. Slowly it developed in to more. I fought it too. I fought it like no other. The absolute dedication he showed to me frightened me. He didn't care. He wanted me, he needed me, he LOVED me. Truly, honestly, completely.

NOONE had EVER done that before. It had always been for getting me in to bed. Getting attached to my kids. That's what kept them around. It was never real and honest. I was always in control of myself. I knew I could let them leave and I would heal. I would cry and mourn their loss, but I would get over it. However, Jason was and still very much IS different. My biggest fear is losing my husband. I know he'll never leave of his own choice. So if I were to lose him, it would be in a very permanent way. I don't know how I will be able to keep going if that were to come to pass. I hope every day that it doesn't.

Depression is a crapper because it makes you not care. Not care about your life. Not care about what happens to your loved ones. Not give a flying rat's ass about a damn thing. You quit your job. You blow your money on crap. You sabotage your life. After all, what does it matter? Life is crap anyway.

I'm trying so very hard this time around to not do those things. I am trying to look at it all and go "now wait a minute, what the hell are you thinking?" I don't really like my job, after all, no one grows up to say "I want to work at Wal-Mart when I grow up". However I STILL have my job, which is a big difference than previous depressive boughts. I still have my husband because I haven't gone out and done things to sabotage our relationship. I still have my kids because I haven't sent them off to bum fuck egypt because I screwed up my life.

The depression is residual from the crap I went through as a kid. It is also genetic. So I'm fighting it on two fronts. How is that even fair? On the one front, I don't know if I'll ever be ready to face those demons. On the other, there is no facing anything, it's just how I am. Like James. He's "programmed" the way he is, no fighting it. He can take meds to help with it, but there is no real changing it.

Why don't I do depression meds? I could, I supposed. Aside from the fact that I'd have to pay for them out of pocket because I have no insurance, I don't like how they make me feel. I don't feel "better" while taking them, I just feel more tired. I've almost fallen asleep while driving when I was taking those meds. It was about 3 in the afternoon, and I had slept the night before, so that wasn't an issue.

So now I keep writing and working through it all. It's going to ramble. It may not be consistent in the frequency of posting. However, I'm going to try to work it out. Every day is a new day. I just need to take advantage of the new day as much as I can.

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