Sunday, April 13, 2008

My Living Nightmare

I have to apologize to my readers in advance. This post isn't going to be nice. It's not going to be sweet and endearing. It's not going to be even remotely funny. There is something that I need to do. I need to write it all out. I am going to warn you that it will be graphic. If you are upset easily by things you read, please don't read this. This all has been IN me for so long, I really have to get it OUT in some way.

My living nightmare was from the age of about 4 to about 7. Preschool to 2nd grade. This will probably be a little jumbled. It's how I remember the events. I was very young. So I don't remember them all. I don't remember surrounding circumstances. I only remember bits and pieces. The more mild bits and pieces I'm sure, and after you read, you'll understand why that is a scary thought. I'm putting this out there in an effort to get it out of me. In hopes that by getting it out, I can heal.

I warn you again, this will be graphic and very unpleasent. Please don't read it if you may get upset. And don't leave me nasty messages if you do read it and get upset. I warned you, you proceed at your own risk. You may think I'm kidding now, when I'm done, you won't anymore.

My mom married again. She had divorced my dad, and was with a new guy. His name was Gus. He had 2 kids, Teddy and Lynette. They lived with their mom and they were teenagers. The age I remember Teddy to be was about 16, when I was about 6, and Lynette was right around 14 at that same time.

We had to call him Dad. I feel like it was forced on me to do it, though I think my mom would say it was our choice. I feel like it wasn't. Like it was what we were told that we would do.

He always smelled like beer. To this day, I STILL can not tolerate that smell. I know that's partially why Jason doesn't drink more of it. The guy was an alcoholic.

I was a little kid. I had trouble with wetting the bed. To remedy this problem, Gus made me wear a diaper, at the age of 4. I couldn't take it off. He had to do that for me. It was embaressing to say the least. To this day I ask myself "what business did a grown man have doing that?" When I say I couldn't take it off, I mean I couldn't take it off, at all, ever. Not to use the bathroom. HE had to do it for me. I was completely potty trained by that time. I just had the occassional accident at night. Yet, here I was, being required to wear a diaper. I have a sense that something more took place. Something "inappropriate". I can't remember for sure though.

I have a lot of that about this time in my life. A lot of impressions, but no memories. It's like the shadow of a memory. I want to say "this happened" however, I question whether that is my actual memory, or me imposing my thought on to it. I do have plenty of actual memories however.

I vaguely remember the wedding. My mom and us three kids. Gus. Country music. Feathers in our hair. Maybe my new step-siblings were there.

We lived in a lot of different places. A few that I actually remember are in the same area that I live in now. Around the corner and down the street.

I remember a time from when I was in pre-school. My brother, sister, and I were goofing around in the car. I accidently pulled the nob off of the radio. I started crying. I knew what would happen because of that. Gus had NO understanding of the word "accident" and he especially didn't care about young kids just goofing off. He ALWAYS wore a leather belt. And he used that belt on us, A LOT. To the adult I am now, it seems like he liked it, as a child then, there is no way I could have associated that with the situation. I did know that doing ANYTHING wrong, real or perceived, would get you beaten with that belt. And he ALWAYS made it hurt. He ALWAYS made you scream and cry.

We always thought Lynette was so nice, she was the only one who was nice to us. My mom, come to find out, didn't like her. She wasn't honest. Maybe she stole things? Mom has only ever said "that girl sucked. She would climb out the window to go screw her boyfriend when she was supposed to be at home with you guys". I think that sums her up.

Teddy wasn't around much, at least not that I remember. When he was, he was cool. He'd play with us, wrestle around with us, that kind of thing. However, Teddy had a secret. One he shared with me. One he completely denied when he was confronted with it as an adult. He liked me. He liked me in a way that wasn't appropriate at all.

I was about 6 or 7. We lived in a 2 story house. My walls were butter yellow. To this day I can NOT have yellow walls in my home. The outside of the house can't be yellow either. I think the house we lived in was yellow at the time, but we lived so many places, I can't be sure. Yellow and brown. With a long staircase and a railing. A railing that Gus would have us lean over and beat us with his belt.

It was summer time. Or at least late spring. It was warm out at least. The paint that was peeling on my wall was shaped like a witch, pointy hat and all. The room had some weird shapes to it. Slanted ceiling over the closet. I had bunk beds. I had the top bunk.

Teddy would climb up on my bunk and lay down with me. I liked Teddy, so it was ok. I wasn't supposed to tell he was up there, I'd get in trouble and Gus would beat me. And I liked Teddy, so I wouldn't tell. Teddy would pull out his penis and have me touch it. He'd kiss me. I liked him, and I wanted him to be happy with me. I wanted someone to be happy with me. I remember the weight of him laying on top of me. I remember the pain of him inside of me, at least part of the way. Teddy never put himself in my vagina, I don't know why, it was always anally. I'm sure there had to of been blood, but I don't know how that was remedied.

Gus had this thing about us girls going to bed without our panties on. If our panties were dirty, we couldn't wear them, and we were to go without. This horrified me for some reason. I remember putting on "dirty" panties after being told to not wear any. The panties were ones I had been wearing during the day. I got beaten very severely for wearing those "dirty" panties.

Gus didn't just use his belt. He liked his hands and fists too. If he got too frustrated, or just didn't have time to "set us up", he'd just smack us. My mom told me that I once got smacked so hard across the head that I flew across the room. My crime was simply unfolding a piece of folded bread and butter. That's all. To this day, I don't eat my bread and butter folded.

Gus used to bathe my sister and I. He wouldn't allow my mom in the room, or she was at work, or something like that. He'd close the bathroom door. He'd soap us up really well, making sure to wash ALL of our bodies. To this day, I don't like taking a bath.

One night, I was allowed to fall asleep downstairs in the recliner. It was hot and the recliner was in front of a fan. It was MUCH cooler. In my sleep, I knocked over a bird cage with my foot. The bird cage was next to the recliner. The bird got out and flew out the window. I was severly beaten for that.

I shoved my brother off of my top bunk. He wouldn't get down. It was my special place, and he was supposed to get down if I didn't want him up there, but he refused. He leaned over and fell head first on to the floor. Mom had to take him to the E.R. for stitches. Gus tried to get me to show him how I had shoved Jack off, but there was NO way I was going to put my hands anywhere on him and shove like that. I was severly beaten for that as well.

My life for 4 years was one beating after another. Sometimes I somewhat deserved it, like shoving my brother off of my bed. Most times, I really didn't. There was a time I was sick. I was in either 1st or 2nd grade. My sister brought home my home work. I looked at it in the car on the way home. I was a kid who LOVED school. It was an escape every day. I was eager for my school work. I got beaten for looking at that school work in the car.

There was once, where my mom was gone. She was at work, or shopping or something. My sister and brother were around, but I'm not sure where. It was shortly after Easter, I think. I wanted some of my candy, and it was warm outside. I went upstairs to ask Gus, who was in his bedroom, if I could have my big swirly lolipop. I knocked and he grunted, so I opened the door. He was laying bed, with a magazine, and masturbating. He didn't yell. He just looked at me and kept on doing what he was doing. He asked me what I wanted, and I told him I wanted my sucker. Amazingly, he said I could have it. I expected yelling and him throwing things at me for interupting him. I enjoyed that sucker like it was the last I'd ever have. I was certain I'd be beaten for walking in, though I don't remember if I was or not.

There are things I do now, as an adult that I don't understand. I must sleep with my feet covered up and tucked in, and the rest of my body, up to my arms, covered. It doesn't matter how hot it gets outside, I will use a sheet if I need to, but I must do it. When I've asked myself why I do this, I just get a sense of "hiding from them". I have no idea who "them" is.

I'm deathly afraid of being suffocated. I can't have anything on my face, ever. No blankets, veils, hair, nothing. When Teddy would wrestle with us, he'd like to cover me up in a blanket and hold me under until I would cry and beg to be set free because I couldn't breathe well.

I've talked to my sister about these events in my life. She has confided in me the things that took place with her. Teddy never did to her what he did to me. However, Gus did similar things. My sister has told me that she walked in on Gus masterbating as well. Instead of telling her to leave, he had her "kiss it".

My mom didn't know these things took place. She knew about the beatings, but not the other parts. When she was first told when I was 15, she didn't believe me, she thought that I had made it up as a way to get attention, to get out of being in trouble. I feel like my mom has always felt that I'm an "attention seeker" and that things with me were always blown out of proportion so that I would be more likely to be noticed.

My brother also remembers some of these things. He never was assaulted sexually, however he did witness the assault on occassion. He is almost 3 years younger than I am. My sister is a just over a year younger than I am. We were all so young to have such crappy lives already.

If you've made it this far in this post, I'm sorry you've just suffered through reading that. I'm sure I'll go back and read it myself, looking for typos or the like. Life events as children do shape who you will be as an adult. It's that simple. I've never shared any of this with an audience of more than one. There are very few people, up to now, who knew of all of the details that I have written out here. I've been thinking of doing this for a few days now. And now that I have, I need to hit "Publish Post" before I go back and erase it all and just type in "never mind".

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

First and foremost anyone who can dare to be offended by this seriously needs to get a life. The whole "it wasn't your fault" thing goes without saying. I am glad you are able to get this out. I have not found the courage to share my story with anyone, and I doubt that I will ever be able to be as courageous as you.