It's All Beginning to Sink In Now.

Jason and I talked. I should start a whole little blog called "Jason and I talked". I digress. There was an incident yesterday while James was at program. It was pretty bad. For some reason this led to Jason and I discussing the upcoming school year. Oh wait, I know what led to that. James. And His Big Mouth. James has this brain malfunction where he opens his mouth and just says what he thinks. OK, a lot of people have that. However, this is more extensive. He doesn't know when he's pissed someone off and just keeps spouting off the stupidity. That led to James angering some pretty BAD kids and he got himself beat up. Thankfully he wasn't physcially hurt. His glasses got a little bent.

James had quite a few issues last year with school. Almost all of it was behavior related. He was suspended for a full 12 days. That isn't counting the number of times I had to go pick him up early from school. That happened about once every 2 weeks or so. Or the times I would get phone calls from the staff asking me to talk to James and MAKE him do as he needed to. Those happened, on average, at least twice a week. And if ONE phone call was made in the day, it was usually at least 3.

This next year, I don't want to deal with this. This utter stupidity of the school system and their absolute inability to handle James. I don't want the headaches, anger, and frustration from dealing with their close minded every kid fits the same form and if they don't they shouldn't be here crap. James had two teachers. His mainstream classroom teacher and his resource room teacher. Most often, he handled himself well in the mainstream classroom. There were times when I would get calls from his resource room teacher. Though not nearly as often as from the "behavior staff".

The "behavior staff" and I butted heads more times than I can count. On the Wed. before Thanksgiving, they wanted to suspend him for leaving class. He was leaving class because he was trying avert having a melt down because he was angry and frustrated. I told them No I'm not picking him up and No you are not suspending him. The man on the other end couldn't believe I had said no. And then he hung up on me. By the way, Don't EVER Hang Up On ME. Especially when I am discussing my child. So I called his teacher. THEN I called the principal. James wasn't suspended.

The woman on the "behavior staff" would call me to tell me to come get James. And should go on about what he did and how it was bad and how it made her angry and blah blah blah. Um, you are supposed to be trained as someone who handles children with behavior difficulties and you are bothered by a little 9 year old kid telling you off? Jeez lady, grow some balls. James has this phrase he uses for all adults, people in charge. "You People". Now this "professional" lady thought he was using a racial slur. She asked me if he knew what it meant. I laughed. I informed her it was anyone in charge. That, no, he doesn't care if you are black, white, or purple, if you are telling him what to do, and you are anyone but me or Jason, but mostly me, he won't do it most often. That's just James. That's his disorder. You can't medicate that out of him.

So in light of all these issues, I am going to homeschool James. Behavior Plans aren't working for him. The Resource Room isn't working for him. What works best for him is to have him as isolated as possible. To not have to interact with the other kids unless he wants to. Well Hell, I can do that here at home.

There also has been the concern over Jayden. Her teachers just can't get her to DO her work. To work in a way so she is learning. She is easily distracted by everything around her. Also, if she doesn't want to do it, much like her brother, she won't. She pulls a different card than him. It's not a behavior issue. It's simply "I can't". Apparently, the teachers take that as it is. I have been told the entire year this past year about everything Jayden just can't seem to do. Here's the kicker here folks. YES, SHE CAN. I've put her to the test. Everything they told me she can't do, yes she can. I look at her and say "I don't want to hear you can't. You have to do this. You don't have a choice." Screw explaining the why of it right now. She's 6, she doesn't even COMPREHEND the why of it really, she just sees that mom told her to do it, so she's doing it. So Jayden is going to be homeschooled as well.

Oh, have I mentioned I'm not an organized person at all? Thankfully, I have the Four or More Mommies. Many of them are homeschoolers and they are an amazing resource. They have all kinds of info for me to take and use as need be. One of the great things about homeschooling is I can work at the pace of the kids. We don't need to spend all day doing their work, unless that is how long it takes them to complete their assignment. I can do direct rewards if need be. They are also much more likely to do the work because it is ME telling them to do it and they have been trained since birth to do as Mom and Dad direct.

So in the next couple of months I will be working on organizing our homeschool "stuff". Figuring out lesson plans and gathering teaching aids and materials. I'll be using my printer and going through lots of ink. Picking up school supplies on the cheap when they go on sale. And hoping and praying I don't lose my mind. And that I can get through to them, that I CAN teach them and they WILL learn. That's the most intimdating part of all right now.

Homeschooling does open us up a little. We were staying here in Kalamazoo because of The Promise. However, homeschoolers don't qualify. The kids will go to a 2 year college, then transfer to a 4 year if that's what they want. So Jason will be able to expand his job search area. He wants to be making more money. About $10K more a year would really give us a cushion that we need. It's still a rather low income, but hey, we already live frugally. That small amount will allow us to make sure that we live within our means, and not be so reliant on outside factors, like child support. Will we be staying Kalamazoo? I don't know. As of right now, yes. However if Jason finds a job in Holland or Battle Creek or St. Joe or....well, you get the idea, we'll move. It's what is best for the family, so we'll do it.

It would be sad to leave this house. Leave my gardens. The hard work I put in to the girls' room. However, a long commute for Jason is not an option. We tried that once. After a year, it wore us out. Both him and I. We want to stay on this side of the state. Within about an hour of where we are now. That will keep us still close to his family south of us, and all of my family to the north of us. Jason wants to be able to start taking monthly, or even bi-weekly trips to see his folks. They are getting up there in age, at both of them being over 70 now. We can't afford that right now. We can barely afford our trips to pick up Katy Beth. So his job search continues. And I start homeschooling.

Life is always full of change. I think the kind of people we are is determined by how we handle that change.

Where oh Where has Jamie Gone?

I know, I haven't gone anywhere, from here at least. However, I did take a leave of absence from the March Mommies. Why? Well, the reason is multi-fold really.

First off, the custody thing with Katy. I needed to focus on that, and I just wasn't. While the March Mommies are great, I using them as a distraction. Only but a handful even knew I was doing the custody thing with Katy. On the other hand, the other board I post on regularly, Four or More Mommies, they all know about it and get regular updates. Ironically (or is that coincidentally?) one of the March Mommies also happens to be a Four or More Mommy. However, I digress.

Another reason, Pregnancy. With a capital P. With this last time that I became pregnant, there were some others on the March Mommy board who joined me in that wonderful journey. However, they remaind pregnant, where I did not. This has made me angry and resentful. Not really AT them, but at their fortune to remain pregnant, or my misfortune, or however you want to look at it.

Simply put, it's not fair and that pisses me off. Yes, I realize life isn't fair. I've lived that lesson time and time again. There have been so many things in my life that just wasn't fair. I've gone through them all, trekked right on through and carried on to the other side. That doesn't mean I wasn't angry and resentful and all that stuff.

Birth is meant to be a happy time. It's stressful and worrisome, sure, but it should happy and blessed too. My anger and resentment should not be a factor with those women who, as we speak, are partaking in the last month or two of pregnancy bliss and discomfort. For some it may be the last time they do it. For others, just a point in the timeline of making their family "complete". They do not need to worry nor suffer through my angry attitude.

There is one woman on the March Mommies who recently was told that her only child is a miracle, that she may never be able to experience pregnancy again. Not through anything of her own doing, but an unknown factor of her husband. I sympathize with her pain. To be given the blessing of a child whom you adore and desire so strongly another, only to not have desire come to be. Prayers and blessings to you my friend.

There is another woman where her March Baby saved her life, literally. She had been told she had "fibroids" and while she was pregnant with her March Bundle they grew and became very uncomfortable. She was told the hormones of her pregnancy were causing the "fibroids" to grow and once her baby was born they would gradually shrink back on their own and cause her no more pain. This was not the case. At the beginning of this year, the "fibroids" hadn't shrunk, in fact they had gotten bigger and were causing her more pain. Her doctor tested them. She had Uterine Cancer. They had to do a hystorectomy (is that spelled correctly?). Her March Baby would be her ONLY baby. From what I understand, that was the plan of her and her husband all along, to have just one. However, to have that option removed from her, when she was just about my age (just a little younger, maybe a little older, but within 5 years either way) is heart wrenching and soul searching. It's not fair at all. She has gone through chemo. They did surgery, and it appears as though all the cancer has been removed. It does make you wonder if the extreme surgery would have been needed if tests had been done originally. That doesn't matter now, for what is done is done. Prayers and blessings for her on her long and painful recovery. The emotional scars will take much longer to heal than the physical.

These women have reasons to be angry and resentful too, I guess that's my point. I know a few others who do as well. Who have suffered only miscarriages, with no babies to show for their pain. Who desire children with all their hearts and souls and have not been granted them.

Why am I making this post? I don't really know. It was in my head and now it's here. I'm supposed to be healing. Writing my thoughts out so that I can work through the feelings. Today I happened to be thinking about it being July. And how far along I would be in that pregnancy that didn't last. It would be about the finish line now. That hurts and makes me sad. Makes me wonder what that baby would have been like. A boy? A girl? Big like Izzy?

There is a song by The Beatles called "I Will". Every time I hear that song I think of those babies that were lost. Simply put, Paul is singing about how he will wait forever without knowing your name if he must, but he will always love you. Yep, I understand Paul. Probably not in the way he meant it when he was writing it, but it speaks to me. There are some days where just hearing that song will make me want to cry, and some where I do cry, and then most where I just sigh and think.

So today it's Prayers and Blessings to all of you women who can understand my hurt. And to all of you who are expecting babies. Cherish those babies, because, unfortunately, no matter how you plan, life has a direction all it's own.