Thursday, July 3, 2008

Where oh Where has Jamie Gone?

I know, I haven't gone anywhere, from here at least. However, I did take a leave of absence from the March Mommies. Why? Well, the reason is multi-fold really.

First off, the custody thing with Katy. I needed to focus on that, and I just wasn't. While the March Mommies are great, I using them as a distraction. Only but a handful even knew I was doing the custody thing with Katy. On the other hand, the other board I post on regularly, Four or More Mommies, they all know about it and get regular updates. Ironically (or is that coincidentally?) one of the March Mommies also happens to be a Four or More Mommy. However, I digress.

Another reason, Pregnancy. With a capital P. With this last time that I became pregnant, there were some others on the March Mommy board who joined me in that wonderful journey. However, they remaind pregnant, where I did not. This has made me angry and resentful. Not really AT them, but at their fortune to remain pregnant, or my misfortune, or however you want to look at it.

Simply put, it's not fair and that pisses me off. Yes, I realize life isn't fair. I've lived that lesson time and time again. There have been so many things in my life that just wasn't fair. I've gone through them all, trekked right on through and carried on to the other side. That doesn't mean I wasn't angry and resentful and all that stuff.

Birth is meant to be a happy time. It's stressful and worrisome, sure, but it should happy and blessed too. My anger and resentment should not be a factor with those women who, as we speak, are partaking in the last month or two of pregnancy bliss and discomfort. For some it may be the last time they do it. For others, just a point in the timeline of making their family "complete". They do not need to worry nor suffer through my angry attitude.

There is one woman on the March Mommies who recently was told that her only child is a miracle, that she may never be able to experience pregnancy again. Not through anything of her own doing, but an unknown factor of her husband. I sympathize with her pain. To be given the blessing of a child whom you adore and desire so strongly another, only to not have desire come to be. Prayers and blessings to you my friend.

There is another woman where her March Baby saved her life, literally. She had been told she had "fibroids" and while she was pregnant with her March Bundle they grew and became very uncomfortable. She was told the hormones of her pregnancy were causing the "fibroids" to grow and once her baby was born they would gradually shrink back on their own and cause her no more pain. This was not the case. At the beginning of this year, the "fibroids" hadn't shrunk, in fact they had gotten bigger and were causing her more pain. Her doctor tested them. She had Uterine Cancer. They had to do a hystorectomy (is that spelled correctly?). Her March Baby would be her ONLY baby. From what I understand, that was the plan of her and her husband all along, to have just one. However, to have that option removed from her, when she was just about my age (just a little younger, maybe a little older, but within 5 years either way) is heart wrenching and soul searching. It's not fair at all. She has gone through chemo. They did surgery, and it appears as though all the cancer has been removed. It does make you wonder if the extreme surgery would have been needed if tests had been done originally. That doesn't matter now, for what is done is done. Prayers and blessings for her on her long and painful recovery. The emotional scars will take much longer to heal than the physical.

These women have reasons to be angry and resentful too, I guess that's my point. I know a few others who do as well. Who have suffered only miscarriages, with no babies to show for their pain. Who desire children with all their hearts and souls and have not been granted them.

Why am I making this post? I don't really know. It was in my head and now it's here. I'm supposed to be healing. Writing my thoughts out so that I can work through the feelings. Today I happened to be thinking about it being July. And how far along I would be in that pregnancy that didn't last. It would be about the finish line now. That hurts and makes me sad. Makes me wonder what that baby would have been like. A boy? A girl? Big like Izzy?

There is a song by The Beatles called "I Will". Every time I hear that song I think of those babies that were lost. Simply put, Paul is singing about how he will wait forever without knowing your name if he must, but he will always love you. Yep, I understand Paul. Probably not in the way he meant it when he was writing it, but it speaks to me. There are some days where just hearing that song will make me want to cry, and some where I do cry, and then most where I just sigh and think.

So today it's Prayers and Blessings to all of you women who can understand my hurt. And to all of you who are expecting babies. Cherish those babies, because, unfortunately, no matter how you plan, life has a direction all it's own.

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