I think I love you

And a correction. Apparently, Pioneer Woman doesn't live in Wyoming, she lives in Oklahoma. Ok, you've got to forgive me on that one. Wide open spaces, cattle ranching, the ENTIRE middle of the country is basically that, so I could have said Texas or Montana and been about right too.

Anyway, with my anniversary approaching next Tuesday, and I have to work of coarse (at least it's a 5-9 shift) I wanted to share something from when Jason and I were dating. It's a sweet memory, though king of goofy as well, go figure. It's the first time Jason told me he loved me.

I was living with my brother in the house he still has. I had the room that is now Allen's room. Jason and I were laying in my bed some Saturday afternoon in September. Mid-End of September I think, but don't quote me on it. And I can't even guarentee it was a Saturday. My bed, at the time, consisted of a futon mattress on the floor. Very rough on the body, but at least it wasn't just blankets on the floor.

We were laying there cuddling. Cuddling was a new thing to me. No one had ever really wanted to cuddle with me before. They just wanted The One Thing and then got up and left or rolled over and fell asleep. To me, I had always felt like my purpose was for The One Thing and all that lovey dovey touchy feely crap wasn't for me. Jason was trying to change my mind. He was taking it slowly, however it was COMPLETELY against his nature to not be that way.

I wanted to talk. I'm a talker, if you can't tell. There was something that I wanted to say. I really liked this guy. This sweet caring thoughtful loving understanding guy. I mean REALLY liked. He knew it too. I could tell when he looked at me. I could get lost looking at those dark brown eyes. It was (and still is) like they smile at me, and I can't help but smile at a smile, even in memory. I worked up my courage. Having recently been rejected by my ex-husband, I was vulnerable. Well, not recently recently, he and I had been seperated since the February before, but it still felt so RECENT. I suppose it didn't help that our daughter was only about 4 months old at the time.

I kept my back to him, with his arm holding me, wrapped around my stomach with my back to his belly. This position has always made me feel so safe and so taken care of with Jason, it's no wonder that I felt safe enough to bare my soul.

"I think I love you" It was barely audible. I held my breath, waiting anxiously for a reply. He smiled. I could tell he smiled. I always could tell when he was smiling, even when he wasn't looking at me, to this day I still can. I don't know how, but I can. Then he said "that's good because I know I love you."

I almost started crying, however I wasn't to the point of feeling safe enough with him to allow him to see me cry. I almost got up and ran out of that room. There was nothing scarier than having HIM say he KNEW he loved me. No doubt, no question about it, guarenteed 120% KNEW he loved ME. I layed there for so long, with him just holding me.

When we talk about this event now, he tells me he knew I thought about running. He knew it was scary, but he had to be honest. He had to let me know.

By the way, to this day, I'm so very thankful I didn't get up and leave. It was the best choice I had made in quite some time. And it's definately one of the best choices I've ever made in my life.