Peter and Paul

I'm so tired of robbing Peter to pay Paul. Yes, things are getting paid, but it's in such a convoluted way that it's very stressful and tiring on my part. I'd love to hand it all over to Jason, except....

Except what Jamie?

Well, there's 2 things really.

1. I'd feel like I'd lost all control again. And while I KNOW that isn't the case, that doesn't stop the feelings.

2. Jason gets really depressed when dealing with the money. He really looks at it and the reality of life sucking and how much it costs sets in and it's really crappy to deal with, on both of our parts.

3. I'm pretty sure he'll get VERY pissed at me for how it's done. OK, maybe not pissed, but I really don't want to deal with his anger at my ineptitude.

Ok, it was 3 things.

Let me elaborate.

I know that Jason isn't "everyone else". I get that. I've been with the guy for almost 6 years, married for damn near 3 of those. However, the experiences and drama and pain from "everyone else" has made their mark. I felt so out of control of my money, my ability to take care of myself ever since Chris (Katy's dad) forever ago. I was just beginning to find my feet again, to really feel safe with myself when Jason came along. Gods know he wasn't a bad thing, he was the answer to a prayer I never even voiced aloud, however I wasn't ready for him either. He took me by surprise and I'm still acclimating myself to him, and I'm pretty sure him to me.

Yes, Jason would learn to "deal" with the responsibility of the money. Yet listening to him complain, more than he already does about it, is not exactly my idea of a cake walk. Even if it were cakes I didn't have to bake and decorate. I probably underestimate him. I'm sure I do actually.

I have no idea how he'd react. I have to assume he'd be pissed. However, he has always handled our financial issues much better than I ever imagined, let alone given him credit for. Previous experience taught me that when I screw up financially, the other one gets angry, very very angry.

Now, I was never taught how to budget. What things cost. How to plan out a savings. Nothing like that. Not from my mom. Not from my dad. Maybe they tried to teach me and I wasn't listening. I just know it didn't sink in to my thick ass skull. So I'm HORRID at all of it.

I've made improvements, however I still feel like I'm robbing Peter to pay Paul. I just look at the money Jason and I make and how much we have to pay and I just want to cry. I feel like we are getting no where. I know it's my fault too. At least partially. I know when to stand up and take my blame, and this is one of those times.

So now I get to try to figure out how to make more money. How to dig us out of a rut that I stuck us in, at least partially. EBay? Sure, if I had more motivation and organization. It's difficult to make money consistently on EBay. You have to be a lot of things that I just am not right now. I'm amazed I have one job, and have had it for as long as I have, let alone adding EBay all the time to it. I'm lucky to post a couple of lots a week. There isn't making any real extra money from that.

What about work from home options? Are there really any out there that pay what you are worth? Are there any that aren't a scam? I had one once where I took inbound phone calls for the 1-800 numbers for the informercials on T.V. I can't even remember the name of the company that I did that with. When I went back to them (when I could remember the name) they said they didn't need anyone where I live. Well hell.

I thank the Gods that we are healthy and doing OK. We could be doing so much better if I could just figure it all out. On paper it looks great, but it's putting it in to practice that I'm falling short.

Oh, and handing it all over to Jason is a bit of a cop-out. It's like saying "here, I screwed this all up, now clean it up for me". How is that fair to him, or to me? How do I find the middle ground? I realized today, while checking out all the old people, that if I were to die suddenly, Jason would have no real clue as to what was going on with the bills, with the incoming money, none of it. How is that fair to him? And what if he were to pass? How would I get by with just my part-time money from Wal-Mart and whatever Homer deems to send me?

We need to sit down and have an honest open discussion about this. However, I don't see that happening any time soon. Through all inhibition on my part.