Friday, May 2, 2008

Lets go for a ramble.

Nope, that's not a rumble, that's a ramble. Let's see where this post takes us, shall we? Please be prepared for a long and meandering walk through the thought process that is at best disorganized.

Today is technically May 2, though I'm still on May 1. I'm waiting for my hair to fully dry so I can head off to bed. I dyed it today. I'll be adding highlights tomorrow. Maybe I'll post pics.

I have a few online friends. I've never met these women in person, but I speak to them as though I've known them for years. I have known them for years, I met most when I was pregnant with Izzy, so that's about 3 years now. We talk about all kinds of things. This evening I've been having a conversation with a woman who lives out in the Washington State area, right on the coast. We were talking about my depression, and lack of motivation. What would motivate me to "heal"?

Up to now, I've been dealing, but not really healing. It's much easier to just cope with everything than to figure out how to fix the underlying issues. Yesterday I "flipped out" on Jason. Flipped out is the technical term that he used when talking to Jenn about it. I was trying to get the cake decorated while the lasagna baked before we headed down to Audra's place for dinner. I realized that my leaf tip was at Jenn's house, and I had her petal tip. Oh holy hell. I asked Jason if he would run to the store to pick one up for me while I stayed home to do what I could on the cake. He looked at me, from his position laying down in the bed with a magazine and said "No, what the hell do you need that for?" That response just sent me over the edge. I was trying so hard to get the stuff done before we had to leave. He told me no, and I needed that tip in order to finish the cake. I couldn't bring a half finished cake. I couldn't just make something else in the hour I had before it was time to go. I started crying, and the screaming and crying. I went myself to meijer and got what I needed. When I got home, he was talking with Jenn online trying to figure out what he had done, what was wrong with me, how to fix it.

I love Jason dearly, I really honestly do, however he just doesn't get it. Sure, he's dealt with depression off and on throughout his life as well. He just mopes for a while, and gets over it. It doesn't help that the past week he has been sick. He's not sure if it's allergies or a cold or what, but he's been miserably cranky and more of a pain than usual.

I'm not helping matters either. I just have no motivation to do the basic things each day. Getting out of bed each morning is a chore, and if I didn't want those kids to be gone all day, I wouldn't get up. As it is, they've missed quite a bit of school this year because of my slacking. I'm not keeping up on any kind of housework. I'm not working on any projects consistently. Jason told me tonight that part of my issue was the computer.

I have to agree with that assesment. If I weren't sitting on the computer a good chunk of the day, I'd be sitting somewhere else. I've been known to spend very little time on the computer through out the day and I still don't get much accomplished. I don't have the motivation, I just don't care enough to do it, to get it done.

If that's coping, can you imagine how my life was when I wasn't coping? Scary thought isn't it? There was a time when it was so much worse for me. It's getting better.

I feel like my life is perfect right now. It's in the perfect place. I've got a great husband. The bills are getting paid pretty consistently. We have a little money left over to get stuff we need and want. The house is pretty decent. The kids, for the most part, are better behaved than most. Izzy is learning to talk, it's going slowly, but he's getting the hang of it.

Yet, I feel so overwhelmed. So swamped with it all. So much to be done, so much NEEDS to be done, and I can't find the time or the effort to do it all. I have to work. So I'm not home all nights to be able to cook for Jason and the kids, to make sure their meals are somewhat healthier than mac n cheese and ravioli from the can. I work late hours so I'm tired when I get home, but not ready to sleep, so I stay up late in to the night, making getting up even harder. Jason is so helpful around the house, but it's not how I would do it, however if he didn't do it, it wouldn't get done. Why can't I just do it myself? I don't know, I just don't care, but that's not quite true, I do care, I just don't care enough to do it. How messed up is that?

All of these thoughts make me think. They also help me realize that I'm tired and it's almost 3 in the morning. I need to head off to bed. The kids need to be up early for school, and I need to be up all day to deal with Izzy. Then I get to work all night. Saturday and Sunday I work all day. Ugh is what I have to say about it all.

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