Tuesday, July 15, 2008

To Comment or Not To Comment, Part 2

My explanation, my thought process, my reasoning, what I wanted to say got too long for a comment, so another post it has become.

To answer your question, yes it would make a difference if you had a "name" associated with your comment. It wouldn't have to be your real name. Gods know Serial Mommy isn't mine, it's in fact Jamie. If there were a name I could say "George/Anthony/Michael/Bob this is for you" instead of directing it toward EVERY annonymous soul out there. I like a name. A name gives you a face. When I speak, I like to speak to a face, a person.

Jason doesn't like James much. Here's the big secret. Neither do I. I love that boy dearly, as I do all of my children, however, more often than not, unfortunately, I don't like him much. If I were a kid, or he were an adult, he is not the kind of person I would hang out with. He's not the kind of kid I would encourage other kids to hang out with. I am relieved that he has the social ineptitudes he does because I don't want to deal with other kids' parents when James hurts the kid in some way.

Does this mean James will go and physically hurt the kid? Honestly, maybe. While I'm around, that becomes a distinct improbability. James purposely does things to piss people off. He does things, says things to hurt people. He honestly does not care about anyone else. The way that the wires are crossed in James' brain makes him not form the bonds that you and I take for granted. James loves his cat, a statment he has professed himself time and again. However if Ringo were to accidently scratch him, James has no problem with kicking the cat across the room. He will have no remorse about the act. When asked why he did it, his answer, quite simply is "He scratched me. " It doesn't matter that the cat didn't do it with intent.

The frustrations of life and parenting build up. There are days where it just doesn't seem worth it. When Izzy is screaming at the top of his lungs because he wants something and doesn't have the ability to communicate it. When Jayden is crying at one little thing or another. When James has only snide and hurtful comments coming from his mouth and is more than willing to shove and push others around. When stress over money and making ends meet collide.

With the way Jason's and my schedules go for when we work, there are many days and nights where we are, essentially, a single parent. Admittedly, I spend a great deal more time with the kids on my own than Jason does. Jason allows me the weekends to sleep in. Every other day of the week, they are who wake me. Jason is up anyway because of habit from waking early for work the rest of the week. Sunday was a morning where I got to sleep in. I woke to Izzy screaming at Jason. When James yelled at Izzy, it became too much for Jason. It's that simple.

I suppose if I sat and dwelled on the idea that James is so fucking screwed up, I'd think it was sad too. There are many many days where it pisses me off. He got fucked. He looks like a "normal" kid. He doesn't have any obvious malformations, aside from his very small size. He's not in a wheelchair or walking with a limp or blind or deaf. He is not what is considered "disabled". Medicating him only works to an extent. Along with limiting his intake of sugar. Short of a lobatomy, there isn't anything other than medication that medically can be done for him. As of right now, he doesn't even qualify for Disability Assistance.

My son is a very good looking guy. He's smart, and funny. He's a talented artist and amazing at math. His brain is like the proverbial sponge. He remembers things amazingly, second to only myself in our family, and I'm sure some day he'll surpass me. However, all of those over adjectives that people like to see about others just don't apply. He isn't nice, thoughtful, considerate, or caring. That's not me being a mean old bitch. That's me stating the simple facts. I have to look at it as simple facts. It's how it is and no matter of crying and ranting and raving will change it.

My point is simply this, my life may be sad to you, my son may be "sad", someone to pity. But don't waste your time feeling that way. We don't, and we live the life every day.

6 comments:

Melanie said...

Far from sad, I think you're brave and honest.

Charlie/ aka anonymous said...

K, well I added a name for you.

i never said your life was sad. you appear to be a strong woman. my original comment stemmed from seeing you say that your husband did not like your son- the only "abnormal one" for lack of a better term. later you went on to say there were says where he liked none of them, hence my apologies in my last comment. from the description in your original blog i thought you meant that it was specifically james that he did not like and specifically james being singled out.

there ARE days when people get on my nerves. but i dont see how someone can dislike a child who is the way he is due to circumstances beyond his control. ive been in a similar position as james, 'disliked' by people who should like/love me. that made me feel really shitty.

cockingasnook said...

I'm not sure having a name is much of an improvement.

Charlie, if you don't understand the difference between loving your children and sometimes not liking them very much, I have to wonder if you are a parent.

Serial Mommy, I believe there is a feature on blogger that allows you to ban anonymous posters. Or any other posters you choose.

And, btw, you don't sound sad to me. Nor does your situation. It's what you have been dealt and it sounds to me like you are coping well -- certainly with more grace than I would have.

Nance

Mommy to Ander and Wife to Box said...

My name is Kristy...and I read your blog everytime you post. And I think you said what you have to say quite well.

Charlie/ aka anonymous said...

cockingasnook-

apparently you did not understand what i said in my last comment. feel free to read it again and again until you understand that i apologized for misunderstanding what serial mommy wrote. i never said serial mommys life was sad at all, so please stop putting words in my mouth.

serial mommy, feel free to take cockingasnooks suggestion to block me, as it is your blog after all. just understand i meant no harm, i just misinterpreted what you wrote. however, i would thought that opinions were welcome, since this is a public blog...

Serial Mommy said...

honesty is all i have, it's that simple. and thank you charlie for giving a name, i have a cousin named charlie, it's a good name. i won't be setting it so annonymous people can't leave a comment. and mis-interpreting what i write, well i don't know what to say about that. i've always felt that i write clearly and concisely. maybe you haven't read previous posts where i laud the amazement and wonder that my husband is? he is here, by choice every day. james' natural father lives on the other side of the state, he barely even calls to talk to james, and he doesn't see him at all, but maybe once a year. this year, for the summer, he wanted him only one week, instead of two and when he found out james is on growth hormones and that it is a shot, he didn't want him to visit at all. that's sad. he's an ass. and it will only cause pain for james when he gets older. jason doesn't like james for who he is, but how he behaves. there are plenty of days where he likes him just fine. by treating james as "normal" and expecting the same things of him, giving him the same disciplines, we are not excluding him...to us, who james is and how his behavior is are two different things, as they are with everyone.