Saturday, July 12, 2008

The (Not So) Chosen One

I'm all about equal treatment. The rules should be the same across the board. If Bob can't go fishing, then neither can Sue or Joe. It's that simple to me.

This morning, Jason smacked James. For what you may ask? He left his bowl of cereal on the table while he was going to take care of the milk, which he has been yelled at (by me) before for leaving out. Jason smacked James because he should have "known better" to not leave a bowl that would make a huge mess, like a bowl with cereal and milk in it, out where "Izzy can reach it". I smacked Jason in the back of the head. Then I yelled at HIM.

Izzy is the one who should have gotten smacked, if anyone really deserved it. Izzy is 2 now. He's no longer a baby. Jason said "James should know better". I said "Izzy needs to learn better, you don't get to smack James just because you don't care for him and then allow Izzy to do as he pleases. Discipline goes for everyone in this house, not just everyone except "The Chosen One.""

You don't get to pick and choose your children. It just doesn't work that way. There are many men out there who decided they don't want to be dads for whatever reason. However, when you make a commitment to be there, and you follow through and ARE there, then you need to accept ALL of the children for who they are.

Izzy is Jason's baby. He is Jason's only child, however he is also very much Jason's baby. Jason hates hates hates to see Izzy growing and changing. He laments Izzy not being small (not that Izzy was ever super small to begin with) and cuddly and not mischevious, naughty, nor demanding. He hates that Izzy is beginning to really explore his world and really test his boundries. He's 2 after all.

Jason really does not like James. I understand his sentiment. There are many times where James drives me bonkers, and many other times where I just don't like him much. However, for Jason, I am convinced that it is an all the time thing. Yes, James is the son of another man. Yes, James has serious issues that we, as his full time parents, must contend with on a daily basis. However, it was Jason's choice to be here, to remain involved with me and my children. He tells me he couldn't leave, but that also means he can't leave my children. He can't play favorites to "his" son over "mine". That is something that I will not allow.

Jason's doing laundry right now, and I'm here typing this out. He may not be happy that I shared this with all of the internet world, but at this current moment, I really don't care. I need to let the anger and frustration out in a way that makes sense, in a way that isn't just screaming.

I love Jason dearly. I'm sure there are many things about me that he wishes I wouldn't do, that I would change, or that he could change about me. This, what happened today, has always been something about Jason that I don't like. Most days it is fine. Then there are days like today.

I really want Jason to find some kind of outlet. Maybe I should sign us up for therapy? It's really aggravating to me. When he gets upset and frustrated, he takes it out on the kids. Yes, I know, everyone does that. Lately, it seems like it is a lot more frequent. I know it doesn't help that Izzy has taken to screeching in a high pitched make your nerves crawl way when he doesn't get what he wants or can't get us to understand what it is he does want. And I also understand that James is a rather annoying pain in the ass. And Jayden is a whiny drama queen. I get all of that.

They are not the cause of his frustration. I can pretty much guarentee that. If it's me, he should talk to me, hell yell at me if he needs to. He's frustrated about money. About how he doesn't make enough. I can't make the job market better. I can't magically have the "perfect job" instantly appear for him. Hell, I don't even know what the "perfect job" for him is. He's thought about going to get his teaching certificate. What he keeps being told by colleges is that he needs to get his Masters in education.

He never wanted to go back to school once he finished. He didn't go to get a degree he could use in the future, he went to please his parents. He didn't think about his long term financial stability, he also planned to NEVER have a family, have a wife and kids. Now he is being told, that in order to pursue something that he may very well enjoy, and would have a bit of financial security attached to it, he has to go back.

And in the mean time, he needs to find another job. His current job is great, he likes it well enough. At least he has a job, and that is awesome in today's financial market. However, he's making pretty much as much as he ever will. He'll keep getting a raise every year at his review, however it'll be 25 cents at most. I get more than that on my annual raises. On Sundays, I make more than Jason does because we get $1 premium for working Sunday. While Jason says that it doesn't bother him, he's lieing. The only full time cashier positions at Wal-Mart are over night. I have let it be known that if an overnight cashier position does open up, I'd like it. Jason has already stated that if I were to do that, he'd quit his job, and maybe get a part time job, or go back to school.

The problem with all of that is this, it's what if's. It's not what is happening right now. Right now, our income makes the ends meet on a good month. On a not so good month we are screwed 6 ways from Sunday. While we can try to change the situation, increase the income flow in some way, it's really not working. My EBay auctions just are not selling. I think once school is closer to starting, if I were list some of Katy's old things, they would sell. I also have a box of baby things that would sell well I think.

Everything happens for a reason. I've always believed that. You may not recognize the reason until 10 minutes or 10 months or 10 years later, but eventually it will be made clear to you. With the miscarriage that took place this past November/December, I now understand the reason. We literally can't afford another person to clothe and feed right now. While we would get it figured out, it's a relief (in a way) that we don't have to. There isn't the worry about me taking time off of work to have the baby, or if I would have even kept my job while I was pregnant.

I know that my posts tend to ramble from one thing to another. And they are long. But I get it all out and work it all out and I can go from there. Thanks for sticking with the post til the end.


Anonymous said...

It's sad that your husband would even hit james, especially when he has developmental problems. its also sad that he doesn't like him. poor james.

Serial Mommy said...

who are you to judge what my husband does when you won't even leave your name? everyone is entitled to their own opinion, however come out and say it like a real person, don't hide behind an annonymous comment.

Anonymous said...

What difference would it make if i left my name when you dont even know me? and i did not judge your husband. i just said the situation is sad.