Monday, July 28, 2008

Will Someone Please Give Me My Sanity Back?

James is being an absolute PILL today!!

First they couldn't find their library books, and then they found them and we were going to walk to the library, I told James he could ride his bike if we had the bike lock. We have a bike lock, but I don't have the key for it, I'm not risking having his bike stolen because he wants to ride it, so he absolutely melts down. So no library, which upsets Jayden because she really LIKES to go to the library.

James isn't going to program today because of his behavior. Getting to leave is like a reward to him. I told him I'm taking away ALL video games and he has been noes and toes to the wall for the past 40 minutes. Crying and carrying on the entire time. I just gave him a sandwich and he bitched that I didn't spread out the jam enough.

He's complaining how his feet hurt from standing. I used to stand in the corner for 8-10 hours, I highly doubt an hour or two will kill him. He wants to go upstairs and take a nap. While that would be great, I'm not giving in to what he wants. He does this kind of shit all the time. He throws fits and throws fits and throws fits until he gets sent to his room so he can sleep, which is how he makes up for the time he should have been sleeping because he came down stairs at 6 in the morning to play video games. I'm going to have Jason lock the video games away and not in the usual places.

James is behaving just like my 2 year old. I'm SO tired of this. He thinks this family should revolve around him and what he wants at all times. He's 9 1/2, he's old enough to understand that isn't how it works. Yes, he has a disorder or twelve. However he CAN control himself. Him behaving like this sets everyone else off too, with too much crying and carrying on.

I feel like I CONSTANTLY have to be a hard ass. I can't let up, at all, ever and it's so VERY VERY tiring. I just want him to go away, for a few days, no, that's not true, I want him to go away for a few months. I'm so tired of his bull shit and how it affects every other person in the house. How it puts us all on edge and it really affects my relationship with all the other members of the family.

Am I thinking twice about homeschooling? No, not really. Yes, he goes to school and I get a break, however then I have to deal with the ignorant ass "behavior team" and how they bitch to me about how he is. When I talk with them, it's like listening to a little kid complain about how their friend treated them. Buck up and do your fucking job already people, you don't become a member of the "behavior team" and expect the kids to be peaches and cream, for christ's sake.

I'm tired. I'm worn out. I want my son to be a "normal" 9 year old kid. This entire "world revolves around me and if it doesn't I'm going to behave like an inconcolable 2 year old bullshit" is just that, bull shit. It stinks like it. It gets stuck on your shoes like it. It gets in to your house and infuses itself in to all of your belongings like it.

I have to rant here because I can't rant at him. As much as I would love to, it would accomplish nothing. I would love to gag him and toss him in a closet. But I won't. Aside from the fact that that would be VERY illeagal, it's not how to handle the problem. It won't find a solution, it just elminates the source of the irritant for a bit.

How did my parents not lose their ever loving minds raising me and my brother? Having James is like having me and my brother rolled up in one person, and some extra shit thrown in for good measure.

I really hate Homer at times like this. He wouldn't be nearly this bad if Homer hadn't of neglected him for a year and half while he was there. I kick myself for ever allowing James to go live with Homer. I know I'm not the one that neglected him, I was trying to make sure he was taken care of, and Jayden. I couldn't care for newborn Jayden and 3 year old very immature James at the same time. I knew I didn't have it in me. And now I'm paying the price for that. And it's not fair. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to James.

A couple of weeks ago, when James spent however long it was yelling at me, we called Homer. Homer said I could drive James out to him, however I'd just have to go get him again in a week. There was no way James would survive living with Homer. Homer told me he would go to jail for abuse or killing him. That there was no way he could handle caring for James on a daily basis and he was amazed that we could. What a fucking cop out. What a fucking asshole. How do I do it? I don't have any fucking clue, but if I didn't do it, who the hell would? It's not like I can just drop him off some place and say "I'm done with this bratty pain in the ass kid, it's your turn now". Jesus Fucking Christ.

That's cop out parenting. Where do I sign up for that? I mean, really. I want to be like all the other dead beats out there. They don't take care of their fucking kids, whether they live in the same damn house together or not. Leaving state. Not buying new clothes for the kids. Not paying their child support. Not giving their kid the time and attention they need. Not disciplining, and not praising. Let's ALL do that! Yeah! We can all be grown ups who focus only ourselves and what WE want to do! Leave the fucking kids to themselves. But we gotta keep having the kids so we can keep getting our state aid or child support or income tax deduction! Who the fuck cares if we are screwing up their generation? Didn't our parents do that to us, shouldn't we carry on the fucking tradition?

That's all BULL SHIT by the way. Heaping MOUNDS of BULL SHIT. Get off your asses and be FUCKING PARENTS! Discipline, praise, care, nurture, mold. Take care of the children. They didn't ask to be born. They didn't ask to be here, with you, as their mother, as their father. You could have prevented their birth. A simple piece of laytex and there you go. Laytex allergy? They have lamb's skin for you. Stand up, do your JOB as their PARENT. These kids don't need friends. They PARENTS.

THAT is how I do it every day. How I wake up and deal with the bull shit that my son dishes out. He is my son and I am his mother. I am here to take care of him, and that's all there is to it. There are days when I wonder what the HELL I am thinking? And then there are days I feel so very blessed. Often those days are the same day. I'm sure at some point today, I'll see my blessing. I always do.

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