Sunday, May 18, 2008

Prayers for a Friend

I had a rather inane post all ready in my head. Then I got some devastating news. My dear friend, Anna has had a heartrending tragedy strike. Her precious daughter, who was just 5 months old, passed away this morning. Darling Isabella was born prematurely at around 24 weeks gestation. She spent many many weeks in the NICU. She was finally able to go home on Easter weekend. She had been having continuous difficulties with her breathing because of her prematurity. This morning she stopped breathing and after an hour the doctors were still not able to bring her back. My heart is torn to shreds from this news. Many prayers and blessings for you Anna, and your family while you travel through this difficult and sad place. I, as well as many others I know, are here for you in your time of sorrow and heart ache.

Friday, May 9, 2008

I think I love you

And a correction. Apparently, Pioneer Woman doesn't live in Wyoming, she lives in Oklahoma. Ok, you've got to forgive me on that one. Wide open spaces, cattle ranching, the ENTIRE middle of the country is basically that, so I could have said Texas or Montana and been about right too.

Anyway, with my anniversary approaching next Tuesday, and I have to work of coarse (at least it's a 5-9 shift) I wanted to share something from when Jason and I were dating. It's a sweet memory, though king of goofy as well, go figure. It's the first time Jason told me he loved me.

I was living with my brother in the house he still has. I had the room that is now Allen's room. Jason and I were laying in my bed some Saturday afternoon in September. Mid-End of September I think, but don't quote me on it. And I can't even guarentee it was a Saturday. My bed, at the time, consisted of a futon mattress on the floor. Very rough on the body, but at least it wasn't just blankets on the floor.

We were laying there cuddling. Cuddling was a new thing to me. No one had ever really wanted to cuddle with me before. They just wanted The One Thing and then got up and left or rolled over and fell asleep. To me, I had always felt like my purpose was for The One Thing and all that lovey dovey touchy feely crap wasn't for me. Jason was trying to change my mind. He was taking it slowly, however it was COMPLETELY against his nature to not be that way.

I wanted to talk. I'm a talker, if you can't tell. There was something that I wanted to say. I really liked this guy. This sweet caring thoughtful loving understanding guy. I mean REALLY liked. He knew it too. I could tell when he looked at me. I could get lost looking at those dark brown eyes. It was (and still is) like they smile at me, and I can't help but smile at a smile, even in memory. I worked up my courage. Having recently been rejected by my ex-husband, I was vulnerable. Well, not recently recently, he and I had been seperated since the February before, but it still felt so RECENT. I suppose it didn't help that our daughter was only about 4 months old at the time.

I kept my back to him, with his arm holding me, wrapped around my stomach with my back to his belly. This position has always made me feel so safe and so taken care of with Jason, it's no wonder that I felt safe enough to bare my soul.

"I think I love you" It was barely audible. I held my breath, waiting anxiously for a reply. He smiled. I could tell he smiled. I always could tell when he was smiling, even when he wasn't looking at me, to this day I still can. I don't know how, but I can. Then he said "that's good because I know I love you."

I almost started crying, however I wasn't to the point of feeling safe enough with him to allow him to see me cry. I almost got up and ran out of that room. There was nothing scarier than having HIM say he KNEW he loved me. No doubt, no question about it, guarenteed 120% KNEW he loved ME. I layed there for so long, with him just holding me.

When we talk about this event now, he tells me he knew I thought about running. He knew it was scary, but he had to be honest. He had to let me know.

By the way, to this day, I'm so very thankful I didn't get up and leave. It was the best choice I had made in quite some time. And it's definately one of the best choices I've ever made in my life.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008


Holy hell. Look at that number. Let me write it out again. $317.99. That is the cost of ONE of James' meds PER MONTH! It's the Risperdal. My guess is that there isn't a generic to it yet. However, that seems RIDICULOUSLY high! He has Medicaid, and it covers the full amount, thankfully. I can't imagine paying that each month.

This brings me to a political thing I guess. What do people do without insurance? Take me for example. The kids are covered by Medicaid. Our state is good about trying to make sure that kids are covered. Jason also has insurance. For just him, it costs him about $6 a week. Which is great. However to add just me, it would cost an additional $97 a week. We can't afford that. We just can't. So I go without insurance. With the stimulus check, I'm hoping to pay for my annual exam. I guess next year I'll know how much it will cost and I'll save up for it.

That's ridiculous. Having to save up so I can get basic preventative medical care. I don't ever see a "regular" doc. Part of the reason I won't do therapy is the out of pocket cost. I *might* qualify for reduced or free services, but there is no guarentee. And when you go to an agency that accepts those kinds of arrangements, the therapists don't stick around long.

I'm not covered by insurance. If I needed a medication like James does, I'd go without honestly. There is no way I could afford that. And no, it's not because I work at Wal-Mart. I get paid more at Wal-Mart than I would if I worked at Meijer, Target, or K-Mart.

I was talking to Jenn tonight. For her job alone, she makes quite a bit more than Jason and I do combined, and that's including my child support. And then she has her husband's income on top of it. And they feel the pinch of the economy, and they don't have the added expense of kids (at least not the human kind). They don't feel it as badly as some, however they do feel it. I've have more than one person ask me "how do you guys make it on so little?". Well, did you read the Peter and Paul post? That's how. We also live in an area where the cost of living is less than other parts of the country.

Would nationalized insurance really solve anything? I don't know. However, something has got to give. Law suits against doctors force their insurance to go up. So they are forced to raise their prices. Insurance companies charge an arm and a leg because the doctors are raising their prices. It's a vicious cycle of everyone just trying to make it by.

By the way, that's the cost of the med with tax added.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

When did glass become a main ingredient in soil?

Today is a beautiful day. It's currently 77 degrees out there. Bright and sunny. So I get it in to my convoluted head to go out and Rake the Front Yard. You'll see why in a minute why that is capitalized. I digress. I go out, and look around. Oh yeah, won't take any time at all. Um, yeah right. I rake. And I rake. And I rake. For an hour I rake. And I'm only about a quarter done with the front. However my hands have blisters, so holding the rake is painful. Is that a good enough reason to stop?

So the yard needs to be raked so we can get all the sticks and crap out of the yard so that we can mow it. Once it's mown, we can put down grass seed. Toward the end of the season in the fall, we'll put down Weed and Feed so that it will have time to work in to the soil during the cold months.

James and Jayden are home today. Sometimes I seriously think I should homeschool with as often as they are home. However that whole lack of organization thing comes back in to play. Anyway, they want to earn video game time so I have James weed a flower bed and then they both are picking up sticks and piles of leaves. They are tossing the stuff over the fence in to the veggie garden area where it will then be raked back to the composting area.

Makes it sound like we have acres upong acres of land. By no means are we Pioneer Woman and living on a cattle ranch in spacious Wyoming. We have a very large lot for city folk however. Unfortunately for us, most of the back yard is paved. Ah well, that's a project for a different year, let alone a different day.

Let's get back to the project at hand. I have blisters on my hands. Did I mention that already? If so, you understand how much I was doing. If not, well it's now been told. We have been digging in our dirt, which is really good soil, to make flower beds. The front is almost completely planted. I bought some shady flower mix for right up next to the house where it doesn't get much sun and under the big pine out front. In order to spread the seed, it needs to be raked. Damn, back to the raking!

So in our digging for flower beds, we discoverd lots and lots of glass. While raking up next to the house today, I discovered even more glass. So we come to the question in my title. When did glass become a main ingredient in soil? Why is it that when I am raking up sticks and pine needles and cones and dead grass my pile makes a clink clink sound? How did all the glass get there in the first place and why was it never cleaned up? These, I'm afraid, are questions that will never be answered. I can only hope that as we take care of our yard that the glass will become non-existent.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Peter and Paul

I'm so tired of robbing Peter to pay Paul. Yes, things are getting paid, but it's in such a convoluted way that it's very stressful and tiring on my part. I'd love to hand it all over to Jason, except....

Except what Jamie?

Well, there's 2 things really.

1. I'd feel like I'd lost all control again. And while I KNOW that isn't the case, that doesn't stop the feelings.

2. Jason gets really depressed when dealing with the money. He really looks at it and the reality of life sucking and how much it costs sets in and it's really crappy to deal with, on both of our parts.

3. I'm pretty sure he'll get VERY pissed at me for how it's done. OK, maybe not pissed, but I really don't want to deal with his anger at my ineptitude.

Ok, it was 3 things.

Let me elaborate.

I know that Jason isn't "everyone else". I get that. I've been with the guy for almost 6 years, married for damn near 3 of those. However, the experiences and drama and pain from "everyone else" has made their mark. I felt so out of control of my money, my ability to take care of myself ever since Chris (Katy's dad) forever ago. I was just beginning to find my feet again, to really feel safe with myself when Jason came along. Gods know he wasn't a bad thing, he was the answer to a prayer I never even voiced aloud, however I wasn't ready for him either. He took me by surprise and I'm still acclimating myself to him, and I'm pretty sure him to me.

Yes, Jason would learn to "deal" with the responsibility of the money. Yet listening to him complain, more than he already does about it, is not exactly my idea of a cake walk. Even if it were cakes I didn't have to bake and decorate. I probably underestimate him. I'm sure I do actually.

I have no idea how he'd react. I have to assume he'd be pissed. However, he has always handled our financial issues much better than I ever imagined, let alone given him credit for. Previous experience taught me that when I screw up financially, the other one gets angry, very very angry.

Now, I was never taught how to budget. What things cost. How to plan out a savings. Nothing like that. Not from my mom. Not from my dad. Maybe they tried to teach me and I wasn't listening. I just know it didn't sink in to my thick ass skull. So I'm HORRID at all of it.

I've made improvements, however I still feel like I'm robbing Peter to pay Paul. I just look at the money Jason and I make and how much we have to pay and I just want to cry. I feel like we are getting no where. I know it's my fault too. At least partially. I know when to stand up and take my blame, and this is one of those times.

So now I get to try to figure out how to make more money. How to dig us out of a rut that I stuck us in, at least partially. EBay? Sure, if I had more motivation and organization. It's difficult to make money consistently on EBay. You have to be a lot of things that I just am not right now. I'm amazed I have one job, and have had it for as long as I have, let alone adding EBay all the time to it. I'm lucky to post a couple of lots a week. There isn't making any real extra money from that.

What about work from home options? Are there really any out there that pay what you are worth? Are there any that aren't a scam? I had one once where I took inbound phone calls for the 1-800 numbers for the informercials on T.V. I can't even remember the name of the company that I did that with. When I went back to them (when I could remember the name) they said they didn't need anyone where I live. Well hell.

I thank the Gods that we are healthy and doing OK. We could be doing so much better if I could just figure it all out. On paper it looks great, but it's putting it in to practice that I'm falling short.

Oh, and handing it all over to Jason is a bit of a cop-out. It's like saying "here, I screwed this all up, now clean it up for me". How is that fair to him, or to me? How do I find the middle ground? I realized today, while checking out all the old people, that if I were to die suddenly, Jason would have no real clue as to what was going on with the bills, with the incoming money, none of it. How is that fair to him? And what if he were to pass? How would I get by with just my part-time money from Wal-Mart and whatever Homer deems to send me?

We need to sit down and have an honest open discussion about this. However, I don't see that happening any time soon. Through all inhibition on my part.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Lets go for a ramble.

Nope, that's not a rumble, that's a ramble. Let's see where this post takes us, shall we? Please be prepared for a long and meandering walk through the thought process that is at best disorganized.

Today is technically May 2, though I'm still on May 1. I'm waiting for my hair to fully dry so I can head off to bed. I dyed it today. I'll be adding highlights tomorrow. Maybe I'll post pics.

I have a few online friends. I've never met these women in person, but I speak to them as though I've known them for years. I have known them for years, I met most when I was pregnant with Izzy, so that's about 3 years now. We talk about all kinds of things. This evening I've been having a conversation with a woman who lives out in the Washington State area, right on the coast. We were talking about my depression, and lack of motivation. What would motivate me to "heal"?

Up to now, I've been dealing, but not really healing. It's much easier to just cope with everything than to figure out how to fix the underlying issues. Yesterday I "flipped out" on Jason. Flipped out is the technical term that he used when talking to Jenn about it. I was trying to get the cake decorated while the lasagna baked before we headed down to Audra's place for dinner. I realized that my leaf tip was at Jenn's house, and I had her petal tip. Oh holy hell. I asked Jason if he would run to the store to pick one up for me while I stayed home to do what I could on the cake. He looked at me, from his position laying down in the bed with a magazine and said "No, what the hell do you need that for?" That response just sent me over the edge. I was trying so hard to get the stuff done before we had to leave. He told me no, and I needed that tip in order to finish the cake. I couldn't bring a half finished cake. I couldn't just make something else in the hour I had before it was time to go. I started crying, and the screaming and crying. I went myself to meijer and got what I needed. When I got home, he was talking with Jenn online trying to figure out what he had done, what was wrong with me, how to fix it.

I love Jason dearly, I really honestly do, however he just doesn't get it. Sure, he's dealt with depression off and on throughout his life as well. He just mopes for a while, and gets over it. It doesn't help that the past week he has been sick. He's not sure if it's allergies or a cold or what, but he's been miserably cranky and more of a pain than usual.

I'm not helping matters either. I just have no motivation to do the basic things each day. Getting out of bed each morning is a chore, and if I didn't want those kids to be gone all day, I wouldn't get up. As it is, they've missed quite a bit of school this year because of my slacking. I'm not keeping up on any kind of housework. I'm not working on any projects consistently. Jason told me tonight that part of my issue was the computer.

I have to agree with that assesment. If I weren't sitting on the computer a good chunk of the day, I'd be sitting somewhere else. I've been known to spend very little time on the computer through out the day and I still don't get much accomplished. I don't have the motivation, I just don't care enough to do it, to get it done.

If that's coping, can you imagine how my life was when I wasn't coping? Scary thought isn't it? There was a time when it was so much worse for me. It's getting better.

I feel like my life is perfect right now. It's in the perfect place. I've got a great husband. The bills are getting paid pretty consistently. We have a little money left over to get stuff we need and want. The house is pretty decent. The kids, for the most part, are better behaved than most. Izzy is learning to talk, it's going slowly, but he's getting the hang of it.

Yet, I feel so overwhelmed. So swamped with it all. So much to be done, so much NEEDS to be done, and I can't find the time or the effort to do it all. I have to work. So I'm not home all nights to be able to cook for Jason and the kids, to make sure their meals are somewhat healthier than mac n cheese and ravioli from the can. I work late hours so I'm tired when I get home, but not ready to sleep, so I stay up late in to the night, making getting up even harder. Jason is so helpful around the house, but it's not how I would do it, however if he didn't do it, it wouldn't get done. Why can't I just do it myself? I don't know, I just don't care, but that's not quite true, I do care, I just don't care enough to do it. How messed up is that?

All of these thoughts make me think. They also help me realize that I'm tired and it's almost 3 in the morning. I need to head off to bed. The kids need to be up early for school, and I need to be up all day to deal with Izzy. Then I get to work all night. Saturday and Sunday I work all day. Ugh is what I have to say about it all.