Being sick and totally dependent on Jason to take care of me yesterday just reminded me of how much I hate that. I have a very independent streak, it's like a smack to the face when I just can't do it on my own. Yes I know it comes from all the crap from when I was a kid and I know Jason doesn't mind, he feels it's what he should do, but that doesn't make it any easier. It reminded me of when these babies will be here. I'm going to need SO much of his help. Even if we do have a vaginal birth, taking care of two tiny babies is going to be hectic to say the least.
Jason and I have "reversed" roles in the house, at least stereotypically. I am very much the "man" with the discipline and all of that and he is very much the "woman" with the caring and nurturing. There are times when it bothers me, I feel like I *should* be more caring and all of that, but it seems like I just don't have that in me. Maybe I do and I'm underestimating myself, or I just don't know how to "access" that part of me, who knows?
Jason tells me I worry too much. I worry about taking care of the babies. I worry about how they will be born. I worry about all the other kids and things that are going on with them. I worry how we are going to be able to afford a 2nd car. We are going to need one, especially if Jason gets the job he interviewd for on friday. However we just don't have it in our finances to buy one outright and we REALLY don't have the credit to be able to afford a decent car payment, let alone the extra money to make the payment.
It doesn't help that I am so tired all the time. This pregnancy is really taking it's toll that way. That usual "2nd trimester energy" just is not here this time around. I'm also getting a lot of those 3rd trimester difficulties happening now. I'm having a hard time walking a lot, or even just standing still. I keep my water intake really high so that I don't retain water, I would like to be able to wear my wedding ring til the end of the pregnancy. I'm even having difficulty going from sitting to standing and bending over is a serious JOKE! I have about 16 weeks left, that's figuring I deliver around 38 weeks, and I can see all these issues becoming more prevelant.
I'm wondering if I should just say "screw it" to planting a garden this season, which thankfully we can't even do for another couple of weeks because I'm definately not ready to do it right now! All that sitting on the ground and bending down and all of that, it makes me cringe at the thought. I hate the fact that all the housework is now on Jason's shoulders. I'm trying to get the kids to help out. There are still plenty of things that I need to do, but the day to day upkeep is up to Jason. He doesn't want me walking up and down the basement steps for the laundry. When I fell and sprained my ankle earlier this year it scared the bejeesus out of him. I have difficulty getting up to the upper level because Izzy keeps throwing his toys down the stairs, even though I make him pick them up, and I trip over them all and Jason doesn't want me falling down THOSE stairs. The office still needs to be rearranged and painted. The dining room is in a state of chaos while I figure out how things are going to go in there. The living room is a mess because I'm trying to find all of the baby clothes we have stashed in 14 different places and get them all in to one giant plastic tub so I know what we have and what we need.
Being sick yesterday just made me realize how reliant I really am on everyone else to help me get this stuff done. OK, I'm done being pregnant now, can we skip the next 4 months and just get to the end already? At least with the babies out, I'll be able to walk on my own. I swear, in the next month it's going to get to the point where I need one of those motor scooter things at Walmart when I go shopping. I suppose it's a good thing james always wants to push the cart! I'll just need to plan my shopping trips when I will be more likely to get a scooter and make sure I take at least James with me. Oy Vey.
Prayers and blessings everyone, if you made it this far through my ramble and rant. Some days, I just need to write out all the randomness that comes to mind, and lately, unfortunately, it isn't the most happy of things. I hope you are all having happier and easier days than what you found before.
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