Saturday, June 13, 2009

A Disclaimer, Of Sorts

I need to do this. Here is why. There is a lot going on in my real life right now. I used to use this blog to unwind it all, reformat it, and get on with my merry day. I got to a point where it was all negative, and I realized that, so I tried harder to focus on the positive. However, I knew I could still come, vent it out, talk to myself outloud basically, put it all in perspective, and go on.

I've stopped doing that. I've stopped because I don't want to accidently upset some one in my real life. While the post may not be about them personally, it might be about a member of their family, and their need to defend that person would jump up, understandably, and things would get "dicey" to say the least.

I need everyone to understand that I love my husband and my children dearly. They are the center of my world and while I may find them frustrating and annoying and things about them I just don't like, that doesn't make them any less meaningful to me.

As far as extended family goes, on both sides of the line (meaning in-laws and my own) it is difficult for me. The relationship I have with my mother is tenuous. When I've tried to speak to her about how I feel, I get a rather terse reply about not taking my "misplaced anger" out on her. Her inability to even acknowledge how I feel, let alone accept that the anger is not misplaced (and odds are exactly how she feels about her own mother based on what I've been told) is difficult for me. My sister annoys me to no end. While I question some of my brother's choices, he's doing all right for himself and his family and he and I get along all right.

With my in-laws, honestly I don't know them well enough. I have never really made the attempt to do so either. I'm sure they know more about me than I know about them. They are "Jason's Family" and as far as I see, he can interact with them the majority of the time. He has this same policy about my own family. He knows very little about my own family, and he is very content to keep it that way. Jason's family has become mine by the simple fact that he and I are together. They are like the distant cousins you know you have, and only rarely interact with who live on the other side of the country. Ironically enough, I'd rather interact with them, and we honestly do more frequently, than with my own family, with the exception of my brother.

I know I'm rambling, and I'll bring it back to the point. That point is that Jason is my support network. I have a close friend, another kind of close friend, my therapist, and this blog to add to that network. I see my therapist once every couple of weeks because that is what we can afford. My friends have their own lives as well. While I talk to one with much more frequency than the other, I try not to dump it all on them.

That leaves this blog. I'm not looking for reader input. I'm not trying to make money doing this. Or to become famous in a weird internet phenom sort of way. I have this blog so I can post about my day to day life. So I can keep it straight in my head. The good, the bad, the ugly, the sweet. I come here to vent my frustrations with the goings on in my life, with the people in my life. Those people may include family members from both sides. I'm not out to personally attack anyone. I'm not out to accuse anyone of anything. I'm here, to write it out and try to make sense of the trials and joys that I am given on a daily basis. I may not post daily. Sometimes things are too overwhelming to even think straight. Sometimes they are just too busy. Sometimes I'm just too caught up in the moment. However, boil it down and that's what it is. My blog, about my life, about the things going on with my life, and the people that are in my life, in one way or another. It's all of the experiences, even the ones that might upset someone reading simply because they may want to jump to the defense. That's how it's going to be again.

Prayers and blessins everyone. I hope this finds you well in your life and handling your stress as well as you can.

1 comment:

Rambleman said...

Good blog, it really was. I haven't been writing in mine because I decided "no news is good news", and when there IS real good news, sometimes I post it, sometimes not. M

Anyway, you may have just gave me the reason to start writing again. So thank you.