I need to start this off by saying that Jason is a wonderful husband. He tries very very hard to care for all of us. This post may come off as a ripping of him to shreds, but it isn't. This is about me, and how I'm handling things right now. I just wanted to make that clear before anyone starts saying "well your hubby should do more" and all of that.
Since yesterday evening, I've felt like I just can't. I can't do this. I can't take care of this house. I can't take care of these kids. I can't take care of two newborns. I just can't.
I look at everything around me. All the mess and chaos. The kids running around like crazy. The three year old who relishes in mess making and disobedience. The oldest son who is having some seriously emotional difficulties right now. The 7 year old girl who acts up and has the worst attitude just to get attention that she feels she isn't getting. The husband who is working to try make ends meet, but making much less than he used to and we're sitting here keeping a float, but many times it's just barely. My body seems to be giving up on me as well. It's taking too much of me to just pick up the floor or get things put away or cook dinner. It's like I have one task I can do a day, so I better choose wisely. Unfortunately, this house doesn't run on just one task a day, it's many.
I feel like I'm in a constant battle with this house. To get the kids to pick up after themselves. To get the laundry organized and washed and folded and dried. To get the kids to help me clean up after themselves. To try to earn extra money using the computer. To figure out what to make for dinner and actually get it made sometime before 9 at night. To organize and reorganize for the babies that will be coming in just about a month from now.
What am I trying to say with all of this? I don't know. I don't expect it to all just magically go away or fix itself. I keep hearing "you should be taking it easy" and "don't do too much". Well damnit, if I take it easy and don't too much who the hell is going to do it for me? Jason? He can't be expected to do it all alone. Not to mention he works 4-5 days a week, 8 hours per shift. Things seem to fall "more" apart when he isn't here. I can't ask him to stay home so I can keep a handle on things, now can I?
I feel like I'm losing my mind, slowly but surely. Yes, I still go to therapy. This is a new thing however, so talking about with her hasn't happened yet. She did ask me last time I was there what do I do to destress? I don't have an answer. She pointed out that in order to keep my cool, which is the best way to deal with James it seems, and manage everything else, it builds up stress and I need a way to get rid of it all. I don't have a way. I never thought of needing a way.
Apparently, sitting here and crying amongst the mess isn't going to help me destress or help get it all taken care of. It doesn't help me feel any better either. If I'm feeling like this, and I'm the "together" one in the relationship, the "strong" one, the one that "doesn't panic", how must Jason be feeling? How do I find the acceptable middle where I'm "allowed" to be overwhelmed and actually SHARE that with Jason and not worry about it freaking him out as well? I feel like that as long as I'm strong, he can be too, but once I start to slip, it's all over for him.
Yes, I understand he's a grownup. Yes, I understand he's a "big boy" and that he realizes his daily responsibilities. Why is it that his sanity relies on me being sane? Why does it seem that I can't rely on his sanity to keep me sane? Why is it that when I need to break down, I need to keep it to myself because he just wants to "fix" what is upsetting me? I just want the reassurance that when I need him to lean on, he's there. Just BEING THERE.
It seems, from my view anyway, that all of this is affecting him not nearly as much as it does me. He doesn't think "oh, we need to wash all the baby clothes and get the laundry all caught up and make sure the kids are doing their school work and eating decent meals and maybe I should leave these coins/books alone and go see what the rest of the family needs". No, it seems like he is thinking more "oh, yeah, I should do some dishes and I'm tired from working all day so I'm going to lay in bed and read and give my wife some space even though it's obvious she's upset because I know she doesn't want me to fix anything anyway." I KNOW that this is because men and women think differently. I KNOW it's because our focuses are in different places. This doesn't make him inadequate in what he does do. It doesn't make him a "bad" husband. He just doesn't see it like I do, he doesn't think of it as I do, so to him things are running pretty smoothly.
I think I'm done for now. I just needed to get part of that out. I now have to get back to living this life. James' med scrip needs to be dropped off and I need to go pick up something for dinner for tonight so the kids don't have to choose between mac n cheese and sandwiches. I need to put together a load of laundry. I need to label some plastic tubs of clothes so that when we need what is in the tub, it's easier to figure out what that is. If needed, I'll take them to the basement myself. It's all the same as yesterday, and it's not going away any time soon.
Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope your days find you much less overwhelmed than I am at the moment.