Well, technically it is now July 28. The section is scheduled for Friday morning, the 31st, at 10. What is that, 3 days? Holy Hell. I'm getting nervous. This is major surgery people. I've had surgery before, sure, but it was TOTALLY unexpected. I didn't plan on falling and landing in such a way with James landing on me in such a way that my ankle would dislocate and break in three places and need surgery.
I've been induced before, sure. I've even known the date in advance. Those times, I had a good idea of what to expect. How things would go. What to do with the ONE baby once I got home. Sure it took adjustment, but I was COOL.
This time, I'm getting major surgery. I'm also bringing home TWO babies. I feel like I may end up juggling them or something. Like it's all a joke. Haha, made you look! Admittedly, I do worry about that. Only bringing one home. Yes, I KNOW I worry too much.
After the babies are out and home with me, I always look at them and wonder how it was that I even existed before they were there. How is it that I had a life that consisted of BEFORE them? This time it will be doubly so. I'm excited for it. I am anxious to see their faces. Nuzzle them close and hold them tight. Yeah, I know I sound sappy. Blame it on the hormones, OK?
I have my mind set that I am going to do this breast feeding thing. That I will give it a good effort. Maybe the baby wearing will help. I've got a really good breast pump. A good support system. I'm here all the time anyway. We'll see how it goes.
This week is supposed to be the finishing up of things that need to be done. Doing the last of the baby laundry. Cleaning up the office so I can use the crib if need be. Making sure that the bags for Izzy and myself are packed. Settling questions like "Should I wear jeans home from the hospital or a sundress?" I'm kind of waiting on the forcast to come out to answer that one. What movies do I bring to the hospital with me? Should I toss some excedrin and ibprofen in my bag, just in case?
Those are all questions I can answer. Then there are the ones that I can't answer. What am I going to feel like after the surgery? Everyone says it hurts like hell. However I'm already in pain 90% of the time - the other 10% is when I'm so passed out sleeping that I don't know if I'm in pain or not - anyway, so how would this be any different? Sure, it'll be a different KIND of pain, but pain is pain is pain. What about the meds they are going to give me, how will those affect me? I've never taken percocet or narco before. I'll have a morphine drip for shortly after the surgery. I've never had that either. The ONE time I've had morphine, that I can remember at least, was when I was in labor with Katy and all it did was make me sleepy. I probably had it after my other surgery, but I don't know for sure.
How will Izzy handle the new babies? James and Jayden will do pretty well I think. Katy Beth can practice her babysitting skills. Izzy is the one I worry about. He's just now starting to make more "conversational" noise, what if this causes him to shut down and shut up? How well will Jason handle the stress of it? Up until they are born, it's all me doing the taking care of them, they are IN me after all. He worries so much about making sure we have what we need that I wonder what having 2 more "mouths to feed" will do to him. I admit that the breast feeding comes in to play here again. It is more than the mouths that need to be fed however. It's the butts that need diapers and the backs that need clothes.
I do worry about me too. I'm prone to depression. Stress affects my milk production. Will I be able to care for two little babies who are up at all kinds of weird hours and still keep my cool with James? Will I do OK with recovering from the surgery while chasing down Izzy and caring for the new little ones? I wasn't kidding when I said my world would completely change once they arrive.
I know the blessings outweigh any of the negatives. I believe that too. I know that I will get through simply because it's what I do. I live it one day at a time and go from there. That doesn't keep the worries at bay, but it does put it in perspective. I think there is a good reason that we don't know what tomorrow will bring. How could we focus on today if we knew that tomorrow would change it all?
Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you are able to keep perspective today, no matter how your world may be changing tomorrow.