Friday, February 13, 2009

What Concerns Me Now

I know that come July/August my babies will be born however they are meant to be. Either by c-section or vaginally. I've given birth to my fair share of children vaginally. I've had epidurals. I've done it med free. I've done it naturally. I've done it with cytotec. I've done it with pitocin. I've always used a mid wife. I've never had a c-section. I've also never had twins.

To me, having twins will be like having any other baby, just mulitply all that newborn adjustment stuff by 2. I will be utterly exhausted and dead on my feet for the first 2 weeks to a month.

Linda has generously offered to take James and Jayden for the first 2 weeks after the babies come. Jason's sister has said she'll take the older three for us while we are in the hospital having the babies. I'm going to assume it will be a planned birth, no matter how they come, because that's just how all of my others (with the exception of the very 1st) have been. These babies may surprise me and I'll go in to labor on my own. M.F. Jenn has offered to stay here at the house until a member of the family (either mine or Jason's) can get here to be with the kids, then she is coming up to the hospital. She will be our liason to the rest of the world. Otherwise, this birth, our last birth, will be just Jason and I for the first day. It's how I want it. Jason agrees with me.

So we have family and friends in place to help us during and after the birth of these anxiously and desperately wanted babies. They are the surprise and blessing that we have so needed after over 2 years (we started trying in September of 2007) of heart ache and disappointment.

I'm starting now to plan the things we'll need for my recovery from the birth and the taking care of these two babies. After surgery support belts, twin nursing pillows, extra car seats, new dressers, more beds. It seems like the list keeps growing and growing.

I now have to take in to consideration what I will need to help me recover from surgery. It is not guarenteed that surgery will take place, however I want and need to be prepared on the off chance that it will. Having 2 babies instead of one increases the odds that surgery is more likely.

The thought of having a c-section nearly brings me to tears. I hate the thought of it. I'm reading about recovery rooms and having the babies go somewhere else for a couple of hours. How I'll need a special support belt and making sure my jammies don't rub my overly swollen belly the wrong way. How I'll need meds to keep the gas at bay and make me have soft poo so it won't hurt so much. How I will have ME to worry about taking care of on top of these two beautiful new babies. How I will feel like I've just been run over by a train and I'll have difficulty even wiping my own bum for the first day and how I'll need help doing it, help I would request from a nurse, as I would be too humiliated to ask even Jason.

I worry how these difficulties will affect how I bond with my new babies. Will I insist on Jason staying by my side while in recovery or send him to our babies even though I know I'd prefer him to be with me simply because I'd feel so vulnerable and out of it.

There's the bottom line right there. When giving birth before, I knew that my body WOULD do what it needed to in order to birth my babies. That I was in control of it, well as much as one can be in that situation. Even though I needed to be hooked up to meds to get things going, once it started on it's own, once my body caught up on the fact of what was going on, I would push those babies out and they would be there, with me, and I would be strong for having done it.

With surgery, I am putting my birth, my children's birth in the hands of someone else. In the hands of someone I barely know. That person will be responsible for bringing those babies out of me and in to the world. I will not be pushing them out. I will not be the strong one, the one in control. I will be completely vulnerable and unable to prevent or stop or change anything going on. I have fears, nightmares, of the doc giving me a tubal "while he was there" even though that is not what I want, even though Jason is getting a vasectomy and that is our chosen way to go about our birth control.

With Izzy, my epidural really didn't take. I'm sure it took the edge off, but the pain was still very much there. I worry that they'll have to knock me completely out for the birth of my children, my last children, my miraculous never been in the family before twin babies. This is an absolutely devestating thought to me. It frightens me in a way that only the thought of Jason or one of the other kids dying does. I know my babies would be safe, but I wouldn't even see them come in to the world, be aware of their first breaths and cries and noises.

These are my last babies and I need to be there for that. I need to be awake and aware of their moments of birth, of those happenings just after they take their first breaths, the hour or two just after they are born when they are acclimating themselves to this big outside world. When what they first see and understand and sense is Mom and Dad and how we will always be there. That we are who they come to when they have needs that must be met.

These thoughts and feelings have been building up for 2 weeks now, since we found out we are having twins. I'm sure you will see quite a few more posts like this from me over the next few months. Please just kind of go with it. If you don't want to read my ranting and rambling, feel free to skip it, I know I'll never know the difference. Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you have a wonderful and happy weekend.


Jenn Benn said...

I will wipe your bum if you need me to. That's what friends are for. Now i do not promise not to make fun of you or make you laugh but bum big deal!

Serial Mommy said...

that's quite all right jenn i think that i'll be able to wipe my own bum once i get home...

Shukr said...

yep, i can relate to these worries. i had a vaginal birth in the end, but worried up to the last minute of 'twin 2' being born that surgery was on the cards as they say.

you're doing fab to be processing it all so clearly and thoroughly