I'm going to try to do something a little new and different. I want to have more positive posts about my life as well as still the venting. So I'm going to dedicate one day a week to being thankful right here. Thankful Thursday. Let's see how it goes.
Today I am thankful for my home. For the money that pays the bills to keep the lights on and the water flowing and the internet humming. I'm thankful that both Jason and I have jobs because in this economy, especially in this state, those are hard to come by. I'm thankful for Jason's recent raise. I feel that they looked at my husband and gave him a raise that reflected his true value and worth to his company. I'm thankful for the time with all of my children together. They are wonderful and amazing and bright and I laugh and smile at them and with them each day.
When I stop to think about it, I'm thankful for a lot. A lot more than I listed even. It's so easy to get caught up in the drudgery of the day to day. The tiny fights and arguments and things that just make you wonder what the hell you are bothering for. I think it's important to stop and look out your window and see the grass growing or the wind blowing or the rain falling and realize that there is so much more out there that could be wrong, that it's nice to say "It's good what I have".
Lately I've been finding I need to find an inner peace. I need to be happier with what is right here in front of me, because it truly is wonderful and fulfilling. By keeping calm myself, my home runs more smoothly. There are less arguments and bickering because everyone else doesn't have the added stress of yelling and dissatisfaction.
I'm being honest with myself, honest with the kids. If they want something we don't have, that we don't have the money to get, I tell them. They appreciate the honesty and accept the answer. They understand what it means when I say "I'm sorry, we can't do that, I figured we would all like to have electric lights and running water so I paid the bills instead".
I used to take the money and spend it willy nilly. The bills were getting paid, but haphazardly. It was healthy for any of us. We were always at risk of losing it all, and the entire blame would have been mine. My life had been in survival for so long. Jason is stability, he has been since we have been together. However, I created instability to keep that survival mode going. After all, I didn't know anything else.
A calmer, slower, more secure life is what we all need, what we all desire. Be acknowledging in myself that I was creating the havoc, creating the chaos, I can now work on changing it. It won't happen over night. Habits are hard to break, and some more than others. However, I need to try. I need to try for the sanctity and security of my family, of my home, of my marriage, of myself.
Prayers and blessings to all you readers of my words, of my words. May peace and security and thankfulness find you too.