Monday, September 8, 2008

Swimming at Sea, Searching

I don't know what I'm searching for. I'm searching for "myself" really, but what in the hell does that actually MEAN? Is it defined, or just experienced. Is it what I do, or how I live, or what I think? Am I defined by my politics, my religion, my life choices?

I'm a wife, a mother, a woman. I've always thought of myself as somewhat artistic and rather creative. I am a writer too. Writers are people who share, who want others to know what is going on with them, whether it's fiction or fact, it's all going on inside of them at that time.

Do my politics make me who I am? What about my religion, or lack thereof? I'm one of those people that I consider myself to be traditional in the aspect of my own family. However, when it comes to someone else's family, what goes on is up to them and who am I to tell them otherwise. After all, it's them that has to get up with daily, not me.

Who am I in reference to my children, my husband? What is Wife and Mom? How is it that they perceive me, and is it how I want to be preceived, remembered?

Jason told me tonight that he is happy that I am at home now. I make things run smoother around here, make things easier for him. That's great, I'm glad I can do that for him. Does that mean I shouldn't work ever again? So that I can keep things "easier" for my husband?

Who am I as a wife? How do be a strong woman without stepping on my husband's toes, making him feel like less of a man in the process? That's been my big concern lately. I want to be a "good wife". However, I have yet to figure out what the hell that exactly is. Is she someone who is modest and doting and catering and never challenging? Does she cook and clean with no complaint, popping out babies to his content? Is she one to sit back and allow her husband to shine, and ignore her needs and wants at the same time?

I don't agree with that. I can't be meek and modest and mild. It's just not in me to be that way. There is no way I can be doting and catering and never challenging either. If I think what you have said, or what you think, or how you behave is stupid, or I don't agree, I'm going to say it. Why keep it bottled up? That can only lead to resentment. I'm not looking for salvation through my husband. I'm not trying to find God through him either. If I want salvation, I'll go straight to the source on my own, thank you very much.

The cooking and cleaning with no complaint. I'll cook, and I'm working on the cleaning, however complaint comes with the territory. After all, no one really likes to clean. Unless you are one of those type A personalities. I'm not. Neither is Jason thankfully.

I know I want my husband to be happy. I want my children to grow up well rounded and to be "good" people, caring and thoughtful of others. I also want them to be successful in their own lives, in their own homes. Meaning I want them to make enough money to not live with me for the rest of their lives.

Jason tells me he is happy. Especially now that I'm home. I'm still up in the air about being home. I feel the need to be here, but I'm going to miss leaving, going to work, being out and away for a few hours a week. During that time at work, I was Jamie. I wasn't Mom or SweetHeart or Cook or Maid or Babysitter. I was Jamie, and it was nice.

I'm sure I'm still Jamie. However, I'm also all of those other things when I'm home. I'm searching for the balance of Jamie and all those others. How do I fill so many needs, so many shoes, and keep myself in the end. I don't want to be 52 and wake up and say "Hey, where the Hell am I and how the Hell did I get here?" and have it be in a negative way. I want to enjoy my life to the fullest, and grow and explore as each day goes by. When I'm 52, I don't know where I'll be, I don't know what I'll be doing, but I want to know that I enjoyed it all while I got there. I know there will be difficult times, I don't live in a Utopian world after all, however, for the sum of all of it's parts, I want life, my life that I am living, that I am sharing most directly with my children and husband, to be one of joy and fulfillment. One that I know will bring me a smile when I think of it.

Prayers and blessings everyone. Wish me luck on this journey. I'm sure I'm going to need it. Tomorrow there will be a new post on my other blog. Remember, don't go there unless you are OK with reading stuff in "adult situations".

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