Sunday, September 21, 2008

Why Do I Do the Thing That I Do

Why do I share what I do? All about James and my marriage and the financial issues we have and all of that? A lot of that is just me talking to myself. I know that other people read me. I get on average about 85 hits a week. So with figuring all the people I know reading this and me doing all my editing, that's still about 40 or so folks who I only know of through the internet. And I may not even "know" them. They may have found me through some unusal avenue like a Google search. The parts about James I share because I want to let others out there know, who have kids similar to him, or even very different, but still really needy in some way, that they aren't alone. They are not the only one who deals with it all, even though it feels like it some times.

James has been a real pill lately. The video game obsession seems to be worsening. Saturday was the culmination of a week of oddness. He totally freaked out because he was going to have to try a little harder to get the jelly out of the jar and put it on his sandwich. This lead to the usual "no one loves me" and "I'm just a slave to you" rants. This time he added "you are not preparing me for the world!" and "my life doesn't matter to you!".

I honestly am at a complete loss where these ideas come from. We don't have cable, or even local T.V. Everything he watches is on DVD, so I know what he is watching and things like that just aren't in there. This is paranoia from the deepest depths of somewhere unknown.

To top it all off, he told us he hears voices in his head. He said that he memorizes the voices of anyone who has ever talked to him. Then those people keep talking to him in his head. Sometimes he can make them say what he wants, or to stop talking, but not usually. I did a little bit of research, and schizophernia symptoms are quite a bit like what he is going through. Well crap.

I will be calling his therapist on Monday. I know he has an appointment with her this week. I think it is on Wednesday. I'm going to tell her what he said about the voices and hope that she may be able to make a little more sense of it all. James is in therapy so that, I'm hoping, he will at least acknowledge that everyone else has feelings and that he needs to take those in to consideration when dealing with people. Right now, he doesn't. However, his therapist seems to be at a loss as to what to do with James as much as Jason and I are. She can't even begin to get him to talk about feelings in general, let alone how they relate to other people.

Can you feel my frustration? My anger? My hurt? My worry? Most of all, my worry. When James was screaming at me, all I kept thinking was "I need to get out of here. I think I need to call my mom". I went out on the front porch and did just that. James just kept on screaming. You can send him to a different room, a different floor of the house, it won't matter at all, he'll keep screaming once he has started.

My mom suggested doing a spiritual cleansing. I talked to Mom before James told us about the voices. Once his "episodes" are all done, he's "normal" again. Willing to talk to us and that kind of thing. There is no telling when he will have an episode, nor what will set him off.

All of this is just saying "you aren't alone. I'm here going through all of this too." Maybe it will help someone just to know that the isolated feeling they have, especially when dealing with their special needs child isn't so isolated after all. There are others out here, in the big bad world, coping day to day too.

Prayers and blessings to you all. It's now 4:41 on Sunday morning and I have yet to go to bed. Izzy is awake, the little heathen. He has been for about an hour now. I was just getting ready to go TO bed when he got up. Now I'm waiting for him to either pass out or for Jason to get up so I can find some sleep. Katie Ann is coming over later today with her wedding dress and what not, and I want to be more awake than the walking comatose when she gets here. Odds are, it will be Jason getting up when I can go to bed, not Izzy falling asleep, the stinker. I hope you all have a great rest of your weekend. Oh, and I updated the other blog. Added the 1st part of one story, and a rather short spur of the moment it just dawned on me so I had better write it down while I'm thinking of it story.

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