That was the message yesterday morning at church. Wow. That's what I've got to say about it. It was so fitting and so right. I will be going back to this church. Do I think that I will ever consider myself a "Christian" as others do? I don't know. I do know that I need to keep an open mind, and an open heart. I'm going to listen, to learn, to be inspired. To be reminded that the sun WILL shine, I just need to hold on.
Another thing the Pastor said was that every failure is not final, but only a step to finding the right answer. Get up, dust yourself off, and go again. This next time may or may not work, however you won't know until you do it. It amazes me that this is the opinion I've had my ENTIRE life. I have always felt that way. It's why self help books bother me so much. Why sit there reading how to improve yourself when you could be up and DOING it?
Today is a new day, and these are the cards I have been dealt. Now to do with them the best that I can.
I have always wondered about people who have said "God is talking to me". What are they talking about? How can they hear God talking and I can't? I've seen the beauty of Mother Earth. I appreciate the effort of Her labors. However, Father Sky/God has NEVER taken time out of his schedule to show me I matter, let alone spoken to me.
I am wrong however. He has spoken. Not in words. It's a feeling, in my heart, in my head. I just never shut up long enough to listen to what I was being told. My joy and pain and everything in between is Him talking to me.
I'm to the point now where it has been shouted so loud in to me that I had to listen. Ironically, it was in the form of an older man, who handed me a card and said "you have to come to church on Sunday" who got me to shut the hell up.
It's always amazing to me when you find what you didn't realize what you were looking for. Jason has been an amazing husband. He's a wonderful, caring, and thoughtful man. Of coarse we argue a little, we have our differences. We aren't the same person, so it stands to reason that we will disagree on things. The simple fact that I smile when I think of him tells me that he is RIGHT for me. However, I wasn't looking for him when he found me. I was looking for someone to date, to have fun with, and then move on from. I never moved on, and for that, I am eternally greatful.
I didn't think I was looking for a church. The last thing I thought that I needed was CHURCH. To me, that word does not bode well. Fire. Brimstone. Imperfection and unworthiness thrown at me at every opportunity. The ones that are "Good Christians" when in fact they are very embodiement of "Hypocrictical Christians". Every experience I had with church up until yesterday was that way.
That is, up until yesterday. Every thing was so uplifting, so joyous, so happy. That just is not the experience I was used to. It just went to show me that no one is the same, and that goes for churches too. That everyone has their own perception of worship. I believe the churches I attended before, the members that I interacted with were there to say they went, to say they were following "God's Commandments" by going. That by just being there, they were doing as they should and that is all that mattered.
Yesterday, those people who were there so very early in the morning, were there because they believed. They were there by choice, and joyously so. Such a refreshing and heart opening change from before. Next Sunday, I'll be going back, and I'm going to continue to do that until....well, until whenever. I'm not sure where this is going or how it will all end up. However, I'm going to let it play out it's course. After all, how will I know unless I do it?