I've decided.

I'm going to start doing something Jason really doesn't want me to. He really can't give me reasons why, though I have my suspicions. It won't be an easy thing for me at all. I'm not going to particularly like it. When it comes to things I really don't like, I avoid them like the plague. However, it's gotten to the point where I can't do that any more. It's interfereing with me, with my family, with my relationships with everyone. Ironically, I'm not even sure what IT is. I can see it, I know it's there, but to say what it is, well, that is another fete indeed.

What is it I'm going to do? Therapy. Ugh. Go once a week, or every couple of weeks and talk with someone about what is bothering, what issues I'm having with life and try to get to the root of it all to maybe, just maybe, find some healing.

Why doesn't Jason want me to do this? This thing that may, or may not, find some healing and help improve who I am overall? I don't know for sure. However, what I THINK is that he wants to fix me himself. He loves me, he cares for me and about me. Maybe he feels that whatever is "broken" or "off kilter" he can remedy?

We've been doing it like that for quite some time. It's done some good. Hell, it's done a lot of good. I'm to the point where I need something more than just late night talks with the "Hubster". This doesn't mean I don't want those talks any more. Far from it. However, even after them I'm not finding the answers I need.

I know there are plenty who would say "turn to God". You have to believe that God is an entity out of your control in order for that to work first. I think my belief is that God is really ourselves. Sacrilidge! I know, I know. However, the mind is a mighty powerful thing, and we all have the abilities to change ourselves. Wouldn't prayer just be a form of self focus and meditation? However, I once again digress.

Jason does not have the life experiences that I do. He grew up in a completely different way than I did. Jason has never done some of the things that I have. He has never handled situations that I have. We have our lives together now. We got here from two very different points of direction.

Jason gets depressed. Maybe even more so than some people. When he was in high school and college he felt like an outsider, and did young kid kind of things, like drinking and fooling around with drugs. When he went home at night, he had a stable and loving environment to sleep soundly in, knowing that when he woke up the next, it would still be there and there was no threat to it, not really. Yes, he had trials and tribulations and the people around him did to, but it was NOT remotely traumatic, EXCEPT that his mother had breast cancer (which she beat) when he was in high school.

My life up to Jason was the anti-thesis to stability. It was chaos, pure and simple. Even as a child, I didn't know what to expect or when. There were years when I suffered through physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, some of them when I was at a very young age. There are many days when I sit down and look at myself and say "how the hell can I give my children what I never had, what I can only think of?"

Now don't go saying I'm blaming my parents here. Yes, they made mistakes, hell, they are people too. However, they did the best they could, or at least in theory they did. I'm not a judge. I do not get to say "You were wrong!" I wasn't in their shoes, thinking their thoughts, living their lives for them. I can only know what I know through experiencing and sharing my life with theirs. My perceptions may, or may not, hell most likely definatly not, be the whole story.

I'm done blaming myself on my past, my parents. It's time to let it go. To learn the lessons and let it lie. Every day, I get older and all of that gets 1 day further away from who I am right now, from who I was then. I need help in this journey. Guidance. Something that, while it will hurt Jason's pride, I know he can't give to me. Sometimes, he is the issue. That's honesty at it's best. I know there are times when I'm the issue for him. He has said as much.

There are so many things I want to do, want to be. Jason has no idea how to go about doing them. His response is simply "so do it". I run highly with self destructive behavior. I see it in me, I have recently begun to really recognize it. How I change it is another thing entirely. Do I want to change it? You'd think the answer would be yes. I know it SHOULD be yes. It makes me wonder though. By the way, it's not sex. When I was younger, that was part of it. Now, it's not.

Have you ever noticed how you are scared of change? What really is so intimidating about? It's just different, that's all. It's unknown. It is not how we have been doing things all along. When things are broken, wouldn't you want to fix them, even if the answer is something new and different and vastly unfamiliar? That's the kicker. Sometimes, broken is better simply because it isn't new. You can function in broken, you know what to expect (to an extent) and that makes it easier and less intimidating than new and different. However, it's STILL broken.

And that is where I need help. I need to find out how to get out of broken. How to brave the new and different and fixed. What if I don't like who I am? What if....well, that list could go on and on. It's not time to think of what if I do but to focus on what if I don't? I've never stopped to think of that part of it before. I need to. I won't fix the broken, change the ways, learn the new, unless I really grasp what could happen if I just leave it broken.

I try every day to get James the help he needs to be healthy and happy and grow up to be a good strong man who can care for himself, and maybe a family. Why would I fight so hard for him and not myself? Wouldn't it make sense that a fixed Mommy could better help the broken Son?

With that, I will leave this. I'll update on the therapy. Let you know how it goes. Share what I'm learning. Maybe it will help someone else. Prayers and blessings everyone.