Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Tired and Angry.

Yeah, that sums me up lately. Not really sure why. Read the previous post to find out what I'm going to do about it.

Sure we have money stress. Everyone does right now. It's how it goes, the cycle of life and all of that.

I'm tired and worn out and angry about it. Jason is feeling the brunt, but he also isn't helping it.

Ok, before I go any further, you need to understand that this isn't just a "Jason Bashing" thing. I write about all kinds of stuff. I love my husband dearly, with all of my heart. Lately, we've been having issues. Me with being angry and tired all the time and him with just being tired all the time. I feel that if he went for the sleep study using the machine, he'd sleep better. He doesn't want to be reliant on a machine to sleep. Damn stubborn man. On the upside, I'd be able to turn off the fan because the noise of his machine would work the same as the fan does for me.

I've been swearing a lot, and boy do I mean a lot. Last week fucking sucked. It's really personal, and super sensitive, so it's not something that I am going to share publicly. Those directly involved in my life know about it. It involved James and me and all kinds of crazy shit happened afterward.

I must rant against overzealous govermental types who are so so willing to convict before the facts are in and don't take the time to listen and understand to those they are trying to convict. I know karma will come back on them (her) but it's hard to keep that thought some times, especially when I'm the one being wrongfully persecuted. Thankfully, this time at least, the police weren't involved.

Which brings me to something else. What the HELL is wrong with my son?? Why can't he "function" like "normal" people? Admittedly, I often wonder what normal is. However, this just CAN'T continue! Lately he has decided that he wants to be a cat when he grows up! A CAT! And he's serious! What the fuck is that??? He goes around rubbing on people, purring, and hissing at them. UGH!

Welcome to my life and how I live it. I do have to ask, do you ever get to the point where you say "what the fuck is the point anymore?" and you just screw it up even more just because it's pointless? I know, it's self destructive. I get that. I really want to fix that way of thinking.

I feel like I'm getting no support from Jason. He wants a clean house, so I work on it. Last week was fucked, but other than that, I've been doing a pretty good job. Even with a cleaner house, he's always too tired. Too tired to be with us, his family. He wants to go off and lay in bed and read or sit in the office and play on the computer with the door closed. I don't even get the luxery of closing the damn door to the bathroom when he is home and he can go close the office door, for hours??? When I'm sitting on the computer, working on ChaCha, real work, paying work, I still have to get up and go break up fights and cook dinner and keep Izzy from tearing things up while he lays his ass in bed reading or sleeping or both! I get two days a week where I honestly get to sleep in with no worries. And more often than not, I'm woken up by a 2 year old screaming because Dad just isn't getting it or I'm woken by Dad screaming at the 2 year old or the kids because he's so damn frustrated with it all.

Yes, I'm angry. I started this post with that statement. I'm also tired. Worn out, bones deep weary, dragging ass sleep all day and all night TIRED.

I'm an insomniac. Sleep does NOT come easily to me at all. It is very very rarely deep and restful for any significant amount of time. I've tried medications. They either don't work well enough to put me to sleep, or I wake up groggy as hell. Either circumstance makes them not worth it. Falling asleep is hard for me. Staying asleep is even harder.

Oooh, I know. I can send the kids to "real" school and take a nap every day with Izzy. Yeah, that will work SO well. I'll be getting regular calls from the school about James. I'll be wondering if Jayden is actually learning anything because of her stall tactics. It seems like adding another headache to the mix, not alleviating one.

I can go back to work. Jenn told me last night I was happier when I worked. Part of me was. Ironically, nothing was being dealt with when I worked. I would come home and the kids would have eaten mac n cheese for dinner 4 nights in a row and Jason was barely eating at all. Jason would clean the main part of the house. Wait, he would pick up the main part of the house. The upstairs would get worse and worse. James and Jayden would just run around, watching movies and sleeping all day. Izzy would be constantly catered to or ignored, depending on Jason's mood. He would try, but he has said himself he prefers me at home, even if money is tighter. I might have been happier being out of the house when I was working, but when I was at home, it was just that much MORE I had to deal with.

If Jason gets around to reading this, he doesn't read this blog regularly, he will be upset that I didn't go to him about it, didn't talk to him about it. It wouldn't matter if I did, he'd just fall asleep. We are at an impasse. I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to make my end better, but I can't do his part for him. I'm amazing and talented, but that goes beyond my abilities. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if I actually felt like he wanted to be awake and spending time with us.

Prayers and blessings everyone. Try to find your inner peace. I think we all need that right now, more than ever.

1 comment:

Kristine said...

Sounds like my husband - when he can't cope, he yells (sometimes breaks something) or shuts down. Drives me nuts. Others in his family have ADD or manic depression. I wonder if he's bipolar too . . .