I went back to therapy today. As Jenn said "How did it feel to be shrunk?" I suppose that is a relevant term.
How did it feel, how does it feel? Odd, that's for sure. It's an hour, or little over all focused on ME. How I'm feeling. What I'm thinking. How I'm doing. I feel like I should be hanging up a mirror and admiring myself or something. It all seems rather narcissistic.
I have homework from therapy. I know, weird right? She wants me write letters to my mother that I would never send. Talking about myself as a child and how I felt and the needs I feel weren't meant and all of that. My initial reaction is to say no. I mean, after all, it's in the past, isn't that where it should lay? Last time I tried to get out my feelings about all of that, my mom and I didn't speak for almost 3 months. Yeah.
Apparently I have a low level of self worth. It seems to stem from feelings from when I was a child. Um, OK. Sure, I do buy it. However it all seems rather selfish to do all of this. What exactly will it accomplish. Obviously, I'm not sending the letters, or sharing them with anyone but Deb (the therapist) or Jason. I'll do it, but who knows where it will get me?
Apparently I'm not TRULY depressed. I probably have some depression, like borderline. I can see that. Also quite a bit of anxiety that may be masking itself as ADD symptoms. If that is the case, then I've been anxious my entire life. I suppose as we go along, we'll figure out which it really is, huh?
Therapy is a study in selfishness I am coming to find out. Or at least how I perceive selfishness to be. It's all self centered and self focused and Me Me ME. It's a bit sickening.
That being said, I realize the need in me to go. Jason is an amazing husband. Supportive, loving, caring, all that super good stuff. I can't get him to leave no matter what (that whole self worth thing again). Trust me, I've tried, he just digs his heels in more. Whatever is going on in this messed up head that is on my shoulders needs to be fixed before I actually succeed in chasing him away.
Well, I am off to knit or write or do ChaCha or something like that. Prayers and blessings everyone. I hope you have a wonderful holiday week.