Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Everyone is Reading.

It seems that everyone is reading. People you never thought were reading. People you never thought WOULD read.

Here's the thing about writing and talking. You can say and read the exact same things. They will always come off as different.

This is my space, where I come to write it out. Instead of keeping the anger, joy, frustration, pride, happiness or whatever in, I come to let it out. This is very much an open book to my life, to EVERYTHING that I am feeling, to everything that I am thinking and going through. It isn't unusual to find a post about 6 different things all at once. There is a reason one of my keywords is "I digress" and "random crap".

Apologies are better in person. They go over better that way. There are times when someone comes across something that wasn't intended to be shared with them, at least not at that time, in that form. Sometimes writing it out helps rephrase and reform the thoughts and allows the person to find the best way to approach whatever it is.

Now, I'm going to be specific.

Marian, you and I have never really gotten along. I understand that. I accept that. I know that Jason, the man that I love with all my heart and being, is your baby. I understand how you can feel that he is being "taken away" from you because he now lives his very own grown up life somewhere that isn't 5 minutes away. I understand your love for your son because I feel that way for all of my children. The ones who live here, and those that don't.

I DO feel it is a violation of privacy to move things around in my kitchen or bathroom or any other room of the house. I like the disorganized sense of it. Ironically, it brings me peace. That being said, I was not intending on attacking you with my posts. Jason and I had NO idea that you read this blog. If we had even thought of it, and we honestly didn't, what I wrote wouldn't have been phrased that way, or possibly wouldn't have appeared at all. It was a vent, a voicing of my own frustration. I was asking for suggestions, though I hadn't really received any, on ways to best approach you about how I feel.

I didn't know how to say to you "Marian, please stay out of my cupboards. If you want to know something, please ask me. I will answer you honestly and completely. I feel that you going through things is an invasion in to my personal space. You may find things that I am not ready to share with you because it isn't the right time to do it. I was raised to answer direct questions honestly and that if it's behind a door, cupboard or room or car or whatever, it's private. Please stay out of those spaces. Please don't wash the dishes after the meal. I take offense with it. It feels like you are saying that it's not done right with how I (or Jason) do it. I understand you were trying to say "Thank you for the meal" however you are a guest in my home and Jason and I are quite capable of cleaning up on our own. Thank you".

Now, saying it like that comes off as bitchy and crass, doesn't it? How is it different that I put a lot of stuff out here, on the internet, for all to read and I have a problem with someone going through my things at home? I am choosing what I am putting here. I'm not taking photos of the inside of my cupboards, or my dresser drawers or the inside of my van, or any other super personal space like that. You won't see copies of receipts (not so you can actually read them at least) or my last name listed, or that of the kids. When you come to my home, you are in my home. You are there, in person. It is open to you, to walk around, to sit on my couch, to eat the dinner I cook, to go upstairs and see where the kids spend a lot of time. We keep the things we don't want to share behind closed doors. What I write here isn't anything that I wouldn't say or show you in person. It may be in rough form, but it is what I would share willingly.

Marian, Jason loves you, and no matter who he is married to, he will always care for you and Dave. You are his parents and are irreplaceable that way. I don't know how to ease your feelings of losing him. I will most likely feel similar when my own children go to have their own lives. I do feel that way about the ones that aren't here.

This does not mean that you are not welcome here, in my home. If anything, we want to see you more. We can't afford to come down there all the time, raising a family is expensive, as you know, and there are bills to pay. We would like you come up for dinner here occassionaly, though we understand the situation with Dave and his dad and Uncle Don. Unfortunately, sometimes life keeps the ones you want closest to you apart.

I also know that you may not understand why we do certain things the way that we do. Homeschooling, me not working, the stuff with James and Katy and Vyky, the way we parent and discipline, and the whole ball of wax. It is all very different then how anyone else does it. That is because we are different than anyone else. We do try to do what is in the best interest of our kids, and of our family as a whole.

I know that you and I will not always see eye to eye. We are two very different people who have Jason in common. We both love him as much as we possibly can. Jason is the best thing to ever happen in my life. I've gone through so much hardship and crap and hurt and failure. You did right when you raised him, and thank you for that. He is an amazing and wonderful and caring man. He loves me, and my children. He accepts me, and mine, as we are. He has embraced our life and how we live it. I promise I try my damndest to make him happy. Thank you for entrusting him to me.

Prayers and blessings everyone. Remember, you can't choose your family, not really. They are all different than you, and while you may not like them much, they are yours so cherish them for who they are.

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