The Day Before

I'm sure that you all are out there, just getting ready for the big feast that shall descend upon our country tomorrow.

Last minute cleaning and grocery shopping. Ironing and meal planning. Figuring out who is going to sit where at the big table and all of that stuff. Me, I'm trying to decide if I'm going to make a pumpkin roll or not.

Jason said Audra was bringing pumpkin pie. That's great, and I appreciate the contribution. My question is this, is it JUST the pumpking pie? Is it only ONE pie? Because if it is, that's not nearly enough dessert for everyone. After all, in my household alone I have 7. Yep, you read that right, 7. Emily is joining us for the holiday.

An accident occurded today. One that James almost took the fall for, but the girls got a fit of conscience and came clean. They were goofing around in the closet and Emily got knocked in to the window. The glass broke. Now, I'm not so angry about the glass being broken. Accidents happen. What upset Jason and I the most is that until it became apparent that James was going to get in trouble for it, they "didn't know how it happened".

After they came clean, I tried to explain to them that it was important to tell us what happens WHEN it happens and in FULL. We can't best assess the situation if we don't know all of the circumstances. They were told not to play in the closet. Jason cleaned up the glass. I'm clumsy and I would have cut myself at least once. He put plastic sheeting over it. Thankfully, when storm windows were originally fitted for the house, one was put over that window. It's not a window that opens, it is there for looks more than anything. I am going to call around on Monday and try to find out how much it will cost us to replace the glass.

I told Jason that I wasn't quite sure what Jenn was doing with her free weekend, but I hope she enjoys the time. He said she was doing a little jig and it didn't matter much because she was "free" for the four days. I sent an email out to the in-laws to let them know we were having an extra child in the mix. Jason jokingly said he wouldn't have said anything and waited to see if they noticed! Hehe, our house is RATHER chaotic, so who knows how it would have gone?

My darling 2 year old has taken to waking in the middle of the night and not wanting to return to slumberland until 2 or 3 in the morning. This is VERY frustrating to me. Every time, it seems, that I think of getting up and heading to bed, in walks Izzy. Jeez child!

I had the oddest dream this morning. For some reason, I was living in an assisted living home, one meant for the mentally challenged. I know I say it so PC, but saying "retarded" has always bothered me. In my dream, we all took the home's bus to the library. They wanted me to wear special shoes. They were supposed to make me walk "correctly" or something like that. I felt so out of place, so lost and confused. It's like I belonged, but I felt like I had another "life", one I should have been living. The final straw for me was when we were all getting ready to leave. Apparently we were picking up extra people there at the library and bringing them home with us. I had it, I couldn't take it any more. They wanted me to wear the shoes that I hated. They were ugly and uncomfortable for me. I told them I wouldn't be getting back on the bus, that I was leaving and going my own way. That is when Jason woke me up.

I told him about the dream. About how it made me feel so "broken". He said "Do you know the difference between Apple and Microsoft?"
"Uh, no"
"One reads the numeric code from front to back, and one reads it from back to front."
"So which one is back asswords?"
"Microsoft. Bill Gates did it as a way to avoid infringing on a patent held by Steve Jobs. It makes the computer run slower, but it also enabled him to get a lot of contracts and eventually knock out Apple as a true competitor."
"Um, ok"
"Jamie, you are like Microsoft. Your brain works just as well, it's just wired to run differently than other people's. That doesn't make you broken, it makes you different."

While that is an odd analogy. Though it makes a lot of sense. I guess my brain doesn't want to infringe on the patents of others. Maybe it allows me to be more creative. Maybe it keeps me overly optimistic when so much would bring others down. Maybe it allows me to look at my kids and really enjoy them running around and acting like true heathens. It certainly makes me who I am.

I'm having difficulty coming to terms with this concept of "true self". I'm sure there will be plenty of posts about it. I'm also sure there will be plenty of things going on that I don't post. At least not right away. They may feel to personal or too fresh. I may not have it in me to go in to it once again. Oh, and from this point on, my therapist shall be known as Deb, The Bitch. She pushes hard, and she expects something back, and I think that is good. It really makes me stop and think and respond in an honest way. That can only be healthy.

This won't be an easy road by any means. There is going to be a lot of stuff I don't want to own up to, I don't want to look at, I don't want to remember. That being said. In order for me to get to a healthy point, to be the best Wife and Mother, I need to be the best Jamie. And that is going to suck. And be so worth it.

Prayers and blessings everyone, I hope you have a wonderful and blessed holiday.